It looks like Heather Locklear was set up the day of her DWI arrest — the woman who called 911 is a former Us Weekly staffer who was stalking the actress. According to TMZ

Jill Ishkanian, who allegedly hacked into Us Weekly’s computer system to locate celebs after she left the mag, was following Locklear. Ishkanian watched the actress go to a market. When Heather got in her car, Ishkanian called 911, even though the car wasn’t even moving at the time.

Now get this — sources say immediately after Ishkanian called 911, she called a paparazzi agency to give them the heads up Heather was about to be popped. TMZ obtained those photos, not knowing it was Ishkanian who set the ball in motion.

And it gets worse. Ishkanian apparently is the only witness who says Lockelear was driving erratically and that she was drunk, even though it’s already established she was not under the influence of alcohol.

Jesus Christ. The only way this story could get more ridiculous is if it involved a one-armed man and a former Toon hellbent on revenge.

More details have been released on Heather Locklear’s DWI arrest over the weekend, along with several shitty low-grade pics (like the one above, which shows Heather literally falling out of her a cop car) of the arrest as it occurred. The The Daily Mail says

Locklear was seen revving her engine loudly and repeatedly reversing over a pair of sunglasses in a car park in Santa Barbara. Police made the 47-year-old balance on one foot to see if she was sober - but she had to steady herself on a road sign.

A witness reported that [Heather] had stopped on a nearby highway and left her car, apparently stumbling into traffic.

To complicate matters and ensure she definitely gets off scott-free, a California Highway Patrolman was snapped taking pictures of Heather with his personal cell phone. TMZ says

Officials say the video and photos are being turned over to the D.A.’s office as evidence and nothing was improper about the officer using his cell phone to document the arrest. But we spoke with several others at CHP who say officers shouldn’t be using their personal cellphones, especially when a celeb is the suspect.

That’s right, ladies. Famous or not, never let a cop take a candid picture of you with his personal cell phone. Unless he’s willing to forget about the half-smoked joint in the ashtray and the .10 you just blew so long as you pull down your top and show him your tits. That’s what we in the business like to refer to as “discretion.”

Amy Winehouse is staring down another arrest after punching a dancer at the $1400-a-ticket End Of Summer Ball in London last week. Police fear that she may, in fact, be rabid at this point, and the only way to make it stop is to let her have it Old Yeller-style. The Sun reports

Sherene Flash, 30, said junkie Amy punched her in the eye after she asked to take the star’s picture. Amy then ran off, crying out: “Life can’t go on. I can’t do this any more.”

A pal said: “Sherene asked Amy if she could take a photo. Amy was OK at first, but when Sherene asked if a friend could get in the shot, Amy lashed out.”

A source said: “[Amy] was getting distressed. There was a lot of grabbing and flashbulbs were going off. She was startled.”

Amy is also alleged to have struck the official photographer for Thursday night’s event.

Remember those “this is your brain on drugs” commercials they used to run back in the nineties? The ones with the egg frying in the cast-iron skillet? I imagine Amy’s brain is kinda like that. Only add a couple of shots of the egg being worked over a cheese grater and pounded with a croquet mallet and fed to angry bear by a midget in top hat on a unicycle. Any questions?

It’s not looking good for Christian Bale.

Everyone was hoping that the Batman actor might have been arrested yesterday for verbally assaulting his mother and sister — what with England’s silly Class 4 and 5 “verbal assault with an intent to cause alarm” clauses — but no dice. It looks like there was actual physical contact between him and his mother. TMZ reports

We’re told Bale pushed his mom out of the way during an altercation. She was not hurt and did not fall down. There’s a division of opinion on whether the contact was a “push” or a “brush.”

Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I mean, who hasn’t wanted to push their nagging mother out of the way of the door so they could walk out of the room during an argument? So, it looks like this was all a big misunderstanding. Christian doesn’t have an unpredictable and violent temper. Right? Um, not exactly. TMZ goes on to say

Bale was on the set last Friday shooting “Terminator 4.” During a scene, the director of cinematography screwed up a shot — at least in Christian’s mind. Bale went ballistic, screaming “I will kick your ass” along with other choice remarks. Several hundred people heard the outburst — including Military Police — which was described as “intense.”

We’re told Bale was “extremely tired and having a bad day.”

Okaaay… I guess… so maybe the day of the assault was just another “bad day” for Christian. He’s not like that all the time. *crosses fingers* Right? The Daily Mail says

Christian can have a terrible temper. Instead of lashing out at his wife, he sometimes lashes out at people around him.’

Jesus, I give up. The only thing I got is that his mom was a former circus clown. And if there’s one thing my grandpa always told me, it’s that you can’t trust circus folk. He also told me that you couldn’t trust the Japanese and that redheaded people are lazy and that black people run faster than white people because they have an extra bone in their foot, so I wouldn’t exactly call him to the stand or anything. But hey, at least it’s something.