The D.A. will not be filing charges against Joe Francis for his attack on Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole in an L.A. nightclub last August. I repeat, will NOT be filing charges. I’m guessing that like me, the D.A. spends most of his free time huffing glue and paint thinner. TMZ says

The D.A. [states] that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation” [and] thought “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.”

And how is Joe Francis is taking the news that he gets off scott-free? By suing Jayde for battery, assault, negligence, slander, libel, false light and a partridge in a pear tree, naturally!

According to the lawsuit, Francis claims he was innocently walking through a crowd of people at “Guys and Dolls” nightclub in Hollywood, when Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole suddenly struck him in the head, threw a drink on him and stated, “I’m going to kill you!”

Francis claims he saw Jayde reaching for a bottle, [and] “in fear and apprehension of being struck a third time and that Nicole was going to carry out her threat to kill him,” Joe grabbed Nicole’s hair in “self-defense.”

Joe claims Nicole fell to the ground because she “lost her balance on her high heels.”

I’ve never personally had a yeast infection, but if I did, I imagine the discharge would look and smell a lot like Joe Francis. That guy is a cuntwipe of the highest order. I’m surprised he doesn’t leave a sticky white trail and burning feminine itch wherever he goes.

See Jayde naked here and here.

Remember Mel Gibson’s 2006 DUI arrest where he went on an anti-Semetic tirade and called one of the arresting officers “sugartits?” No, you don’t, because it never happened. Cue the Dale Gribble “shh-shh-shah!” TMZ says

Mel Gibson’s 2006 DUI is now officially off his record… after Judge Lawrence Mira just signed legal documents in Malibu.

Mel’s lawyer, Blair Berk, requested the motion to dismiss on September 21 after Mel successfully completed the terms of his three-year probation.

Boy, if Lady Justice were a real person, that blindfold would have been yanked down into gag restraint and she’d be in the fetal position still bleeding from the anus. I’ve already lived through my wedding night once, thank you very much. No sense in subjecting the legal system to it, too.

David Letterman admitted on CBS’ “Late Show” last night that he had been the victim of a $2 million dollar extortion attempt by a producer at “48 Hours” stemming from his sexual encounters with several women currently in his employ. Letterman, of course, has been married to Regina Lasko since March, after dating her for 23 years, but in his defense, she looks like she should be in construction, or the very least a member of the East German Hammer Throwing Team. According to Variety

On the show, Letterman sat down behind his desk and [said he had] received a package three weeks ago from someone who claimed to have information about alleged sexual relations he has had with female employees of the “Late Show.”

“I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says, ‘I know that you do some terrible, terrible things. And I can prove that you do these terrible things.’ Sure enough, contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things,” Letterman said.

The host said the alleged extortion suspect claimed he planned to write both a movie screenplay and a book based on what he knew — that Letterman had engaged in sex with staffers.

Letterman said the individual threatened to go public with the allegations unless Letterman paid the person $2 million.

The host, under advisement of his attorney, met with the man on three different occasions. According to Letterman, the suspect even made it clear he knew what he was doing was illegal.

Letterman told his audience that he then contacted the Manhattan District Attorney’s Special Prosecution Bureau. The meeting with the D.A. led to a sting operation, in which Letterman met with the individual and handed the person a fake $2 million check. That person was arrested on Thursday.

$2 million? Are you kidding me? In this economy? If the extortionist had kept it reasonable, say, $500,000 and maybe the property rights to Paul Shaffer, he would have his money and his little muppet, too. Now all he’ll have to keep him company are Angelo the Serial Stabber and the nickname “Cream of Meat.”

Kim Kardashian on the show last night:

Lindsay Lohan had a pretty low-key weekend, first having a warrant issued for her arrest for violating her probation on Friday, then partying until four in the morning and fucking a famous octogenarian on Saturday, and finally coming home Sunday morning to destroy property during a lovers’ quarrels with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. People Magazine says of Friday’s events:

Lindsay Lohan’s attorney says [the arrest warrant] stemming from [Lindsay's] 2007 DUI conviction was “born out of a misunderstanding which I am confident I can clear up next week.”

And of Saturday:

Lohan’s latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m., Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholson’s house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.

And of Sunday:

Lohan’s bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronson’s house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.

The only true crime in all this is whatever the hell Lindsay did to her lips. Either Sam Ronson punched her square in the mouth during the fight, or Lindsday Loan got an upper lip full of Juvederm. Or maybe eating Sam Ronson’s puss is the equivalent of locking lips with a car battery. How the hell should I know. What am I, psychic?

Hi guys and dolls, it’s Sonya. Sorry to pull the ol’ rug out from under you, but Abby is taking one more week off to recoop, but I can promise you she’ll be back all bright eyed and bushy tailed next week. Oh, and I apologize in advance if the posts seem to be a bit later than usual–I’m on the West Coast and so my head is barely peeking out of the covers when all you East Coasters have already been up for a few hours. But don’t worry, I can’t really sleep in. I have four animals that all demand to be fed as soon as the sky starts getting light, plus a five year old. Anyhoo.

A whole week after singer Chris Brown was busted for smacking his bitch up, he finally managed to issue a public “apology” I’d say better late than never, but Chris has perfected the art of apologizing without actually admitting wrongdoing. New York Post elaborates:

The R&B singer, who was busted after allegedly beating his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna, said he was “sorry and saddened” - but also bashed the media for mostly getting the story “wrong.”

Brown, 19, took a full week to make the statement, which doesn’t even mention Rihanna by name. Nor does it give his version of what happened Feb. 8 between him and the 20-year-old singer in Los Angeles.

“Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired,” Brown said.

“I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones, and I am committed, with God’s help, to emerging a better person.”

“Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong,” Brown said, without pointing out specific examples.

Yeah, uh-huh. There’s not much that drives me up the wall about these celebrity types as when they do something stupid/illegal and drag God into it. I’m pretty sure the big G-O-D doesn’t sit up there chatting with JC and the Holy Spirit, and he turns to them and says, “Yo, that Chris Brown, he’s my bro. Yeah, so he beat up that Reena or Rhinoceros or whatever that dumb broad’s name is, but man, she deserved it, yo. Bitch was provoking him. I’ve got his back. Me and Chris, we’re like this!“, as he crosses his gigantic glowy index and middle fingers.

Juuuuust don’t see it happening.

Though there are yet to be any named sources, it does seem pretty clear at this point that Rihanna was indeed the victim of the beating for which Chris Brown was arrested Sunday evening and charged with felony domestic assault.  Plenty of details are now emerging, but they have yet to be confirmed by clearly identified sources.

TMZ listed a vague cite of “law enforcement sources” in their report on the extent of Rihanna’s injuries:

Law enforcement sources have now gotten specific with us… police took pictures of Rihanna’s injuries and they are “horrific.”

As we reported, the photos show major contusions on both sides of the singer’s face — there is serious swelling and bruising. Her lip is split and her nose bloody. We have now confirmed there are bite marks on one of her arms and on several fingers.

And we now know this… Rihanna claims Brown struck her with his fists and that’s what did the damage. There was no object used in the alleged attack.

Rihanna refused treatment at the scene, but before she left cops took photos. We’re told the photos alone are “devastating proof of abuse.”

And we’ve learned it was not Rihanna who called 911. Someone in the area heard her screams and called.

The NY Daily News cited an equally vague “police source” describing Rihanna’s cooperation with the LAPD:

Rihanna is providing “ongoing” cooperation with detectives, who are building a domestic violence case against Brown, a police source told the Los Angeles Times.

A key to the case could be a witness in Los Angeles’ affluent Hancock Park neighborhood who called 911.

Brown, 19, and Rihanna, 20, started fighting inside his car, got out and continued arguing on a block of million-dollar homes.

“The screaming woke up my neighbors, but I slept through it,” said Leslie Erika Klein, 62, who lives on the block. “My son saw them tow away the silver Lamborghini.”

“I hope she’s okay,” Klein added. “It’s a shame.”

Okay, look… I’m not quite sure how to put this without accidentally insinuating something, which is not my intention at all.  I am not remotely alleging that this incident didn’t happen; I would merely like to point out that it took place just two days ago and thus far, the single identified source is an old lady who slept through the disturbance and says that her son told her he saw a car get towed away.  The only described witness (the person who called 911) has yet to be named.

Basically, while the interwebs are all a-flutter with scuttlebutt, I just want to be the boring one who reminds you that these details are still just rumours until confirmed by someone — anyone at all, really — directly connected in any way with the events in question.

Rihanna at Saturday’s Grammy Salute to Industry Icons, before the incident:

Ahoy, mateys!  It’s Sarah.  Since it’s Fleet Week and Abby’s off supporting the troops, I’ll be conducting this crazy train for the week.  It should be fun for everyone, especially since I was so hungover yesterday that I think I broke my immune system and now I have what I suspect might be a viral cocktail of Swine flu and Ebola.  All aboard!

Speaking of swine, Chris Brown was arrested last night.  He turned himself into the LAPD at 7:15pm after fleeing the scene of an “altercation” around 12:30am Sunday morning after the pre-Grammy gala honouring Clive Davis.  Brown was booked on felony battery charges, released on $50,000 bond and issued a court date for March 5th.  Police are not identifying the victim, but witnesses say she’s Brown’s girlfriend Rihanna.  Brown and Rihanna were both scheduled to appear at last night’s Grammys, and both called in sick at the last minute.  From the NY Daily News:

R&B singer Chris Brown was arrested Sunday night by Los Angeles cops for allegedly beating up a woman, and insiders identified the victim as his superstar girlfriend Rihanna.

Sources said Brown beat sexy singer Rihanna, 20, after they fought in his car following a pre-Grammys party.

“She got out of the car to walk home. He got out to stop her,” said a source. “Things got physical. He hit her, possibly more than once. She had multiple bruises.”

A security guard at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles told the Daily News Sunday night that he saw Rihanna being taken for treatment at the hospital.

“She’s been released,” said guard Rodderick Brown.

The “Umbrella” singer and Chris Brown, 19, were both scheduled to perform at the Grammys, but pulled out at the last minute.

The Los Angeles Police Department would not identify the woman who was attacked, citing confidentiality.

With all these unidentified sources, I’d take the victim’s rumoured identity with a grain of salt.  Also, consider that the NY Daily News might be out of their goddamn minds because Chris Brown looks like he has some combination of Hydrocephaly and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but at one point in that story they called him “sweet-faced”.  I mean, seriously.  Sweet-faced compared to what?  The unholy offspring of Mike Tyson and Rocky from Mask?

Chris Brown and Rihanna at Saturday night’s Grammy Salute to Industry Icons, before the incident (they arrived separately, but left together):

Kelly Osbourne was arrested yesterday for allegedly slapping some broad in a Soho nightclub last summer. The Daily Mail says

Witnesses claim [Osbourne] flew into a rage after gossip columnist Zoe Griffin said her fiancé, Luke Worrall, was stupid.

Griffin is said to have taunted Osbourne, 24, that Worrall, 19, did not know what an earthquake was. The incident occurred in the Punk nightclub in August.

Call me naive, but I did not see Kelly Osbourne as the violent type. She struck me as more of a “chasing sour cream around a dinner plate with nacho while standing in line at the buffet for the third time” kind of girl. Perhaps that’s what they mean when they say “you can’t judge a book by its cover.” No matter how fat and disgusting its cover might happen to be.

At the Fox All Stars Party with her family:

Remember the show “Trading Spaces”?  With the switching houses and the uglification and lowering of your friends’ and neighbours’ property values?  Well anyway, Doug Wilson, one of the designers from that show, was arrested last night for DUI in Illinois.  From E! Online:

According to a spokeswoman for the Decatur County Jail, Wilson was pulled over at approximately 1 a.m. after he failed to yield to a police vehicle, which had its lights and sirens wailing.

The cops took the interior designer into custody and charged him with all sorts of infractions: aggravated DUI, driving on a suspended license, failing to yield the right-of-way to an emergency vehicle and unlawful transportation of alcohol. He was booked into Decatur County Jail and released on $1,000 bond a few hours later.

I didn’t really like that lame “Trading Spaces” show and I barely remember who this dude even is, but this story is funny/not funny because seriously — what is with all these idiot celebrities tooling around wasted the week of New Year’s?  Who does that?  There are cops everywhere the week of New Year’s!  It’s the worst time of year to engage in illegal vehicular shenanigans!  Besides, famous people should have plenty of money to hire drivers every damn day of their lives, so I don’t understand why they’re always getting arrested for DUI.  I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that 98% of celebrities are functionally retarded.

Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI in Arizona last night.  From People:

Police say they noticed Barkley, 45, running a stop sign in the Old Town section of Scottsdale at about 1:30 a.m. Officers pulled Barkley over, took him to a nearby mobile command post, and administered a blood test after declining to submit to a breath test, according to Gilbert, Ariz., police Lt. Eric Shuhandler.

Barkley was issued a citation for driving while impaired and released pending the results, which normally takes about a week, Shuhandler said.

I don’t really know much of anything about Charles Barkley because I don’t give a shit about basketball, but here’s the other noteworthy blurb from People’s story about this:

Barkley, who gained notoriety for a quick temper and blunt language during his years as an NBA player, represented the United States in the 1992 and 1996 Olympics. In October, he announced that he would be a candidate for governor of his home state of Alabama in 2014.

I see.  This explains everything.  An arrest record could only help someone running for public office in Alabama, after all.

I don’t think anyone really gives a crap about Matt Dillon, but apparently it’s still newsworthy that he was arrested for driving like the back end of his car was on fire and he was trying to race away from it.  From People:

On Tuesday night, the actor, 44, was pulled over in Newbury, Vt., after state troopers clocked him driving 106 mph in a 65 mph zone.

Dillon, who was driving a rented 2009 Chevy Impala, was taken to a station in nearby Bradford, where he was photographed, fingerprinted and given a citation.

Honestly, the most surprising part of this story is the fact that a Chevy Impala can even get up to 106 mph.  Who knew?  I am admittedly no automobile expert, but I thought Chevy Impalas were powered by bottle rockets and hamsters in wheels.

It looks like Heather Locklear was set up the day of her DWI arrest — the woman who called 911 is a former Us Weekly staffer who was stalking the actress. According to TMZ

Jill Ishkanian, who allegedly hacked into Us Weekly’s computer system to locate celebs after she left the mag, was following Locklear. Ishkanian watched the actress go to a market. When Heather got in her car, Ishkanian called 911, even though the car wasn’t even moving at the time.

Now get this — sources say immediately after Ishkanian called 911, she called a paparazzi agency to give them the heads up Heather was about to be popped. TMZ obtained those photos, not knowing it was Ishkanian who set the ball in motion.

And it gets worse. Ishkanian apparently is the only witness who says Lockelear was driving erratically and that she was drunk, even though it’s already established she was not under the influence of alcohol.

Jesus Christ. The only way this story could get more ridiculous is if it involved a one-armed man and a former Toon hellbent on revenge.