Amanda Bynes’ daddy has stepped up to the plate to publicly declare that his daughter was NOT drunk the night she side-swiped a cop car and was subsequently arrested for DUI. Whatever you say, jackass. According to People Magazine:

“She was not drunk,” Rick Bynes [said]. “I was told that she blew a zero on the Breathalyzer. She didn’t have a single drink that night. My daughter doesn’t drink.”

Rick claims the the cop who arrested Amanda was at fault for pulling out in front of the actress as she was turning at the West Hollywood intersection where she was cited. Rick adamantly says his daughter was not impaired, explaining that she was arrested because “she was upset and very emotional.”

Adding that Amanda was released with no bail, Rick went on to say, “She is a good girl. She just chooses not to work, and because of that, people go after her.”

He’s right, you know. Those of us who “choose not to work” are constantly villainized. It’s all “drain on society” this and “abusing the system” that. That’s why we drink.

Outside the West Hollywood police station:

You’ll remember I told you yesterday about Nic Cage’s son Weston being handcuffed and hospitalized on a 5150 hold after he tried to roundhouse kick his personal trainer in the face while dining at a Hollywood restaurant. Well, now there’s video of the incident in question, but it doesn’t exactly corroborate the story that was given to TMZ — instead of Weston going apeshit on his trainer and having to be subdued, the video shows the trainer whaling on Weston while he lies there motionless on the sidewalk. And to add insult to injury, the man punching Weston in the face 13 consecutive times wasn’t so much his “personal trainer” as he was “his former high school wrestling coach turned bodyguard.” As in Weston’s bodyguard. Radar Online says:

Kevin Villegas, the man who beat up Nic Cage’s son Weston, was his high school wrestling coach and had been hired to protect the actor’s son.

The brutal beating was caught on video and is now the subject of a police investigation.

Weston needed eight stitches for facial injuries and is being evaluated for head and brain trauma.

“He deliberately provoked Weston,” one source said of Villegas. “And he wouldn’t stop even though people were telling him to. He could have easily subdued [him, but instead he] took advantage of Weston because he knew he was in no condition to defend himself at that time.“

Beaten by your own bodyguard. Wow. I didn’t know irony could pull down your pants and taunt you like that. It’s really the most vicious of all the rhetorical literary devices.

Former Sports Illustrated model and “Planet of the Apes” star Estella Warren is in jail today after hitting three parked cars while driving drunk in L.A. last night. But wait — it gets better! After she was arrested for DUI, she then kicked the arresting officer and even managed to escape police custody by shimmying out of her handcuffs. I believe the term we’re looking for here is “balls-out.” TMZ says:

Warren was driving [just before midnight] in L.A. when she struck 3 parked cars in her Toyota Prius. Warren drove away but cops spotted her and placed her under arrest for driving under the influence, though not before she resisted and kicked an officer.

Warren was taken to the police station in handcuffs, and during the booking process she managed to get out of her handcuffs and then run out the back door! Warren was quickly recaptured.

Warren is being booked for felony escape, assault, hit and run and DUI.

As one law enforcement source [said], “She was really hammered.” Warren’s bail has set at $100,000.

You’d think Estella would be happy that she proved her agent wrong by actually getting arrested in this town after “Kangaroo Jack,” but no. Some people just don’t appreciate irony.

Oh, look — Estella’s boobs!:

Despite surveillance videos that show him drunkenly staggering around a tattoo shop and shoving his wife because he couldn’t remember where he lived, 47-year-old Nicolas Cage will not be charged in connection with his April 16th arrest for domestic abuse and disturbing the peace arrest in New Orleans. Boy, color me surprised. Radar Online says:

“The New Orleans District Attorney has confirmed that no charges of any kind will be pursued against him,” Cage’s attorney Harry Rosenberg told People. “After their investigation, the DAs refused all charges against Nic and the matter has been closed.

“We are pleased that the process led to the correct result, despite inaccurate media reports, and that Nic has been cleared and all charges have been dropped.”

Well, it’s not like they had a slam-dunk case against him or anything. All they had were eye-witnesses, and surveillance videos, and a blood alcohol test, and a mugshot that shows he was too fucked up to open his eyes. You can’t just pull a case out of thin air like that. They’re district attorneys, not magicians!

Nicolas Cage didn’t just shove his wife around the night of his drunken arrest in New Orleans last week — it seems he also found time to drop his 5-year-old son while staggering around and shouting belligerently. And people say you can’t multi-task when you’re drunk! TMZ says:

According to the police report, Cage’s wife Alice told police she and Nic had been arguing on the night of April 15 “due to his intoxicated state” when they went to pick up their son from a friend’s house.

Alice and Nic continued to argue until they arrived at their home — at which point “Mr Cage fell while holding their son. The fall caused the 5 year old to suffer a minor abrasion to his left knee.”

But a witness told cops he saw “Mr. Cage pull the male child to the ground by his hand.”

According to the report, “A child abuse detective was notified.”

Cops say they wanted to interview Cage’s son — but Alice wouldn’t let that happen.

Honestly, I’m just surprised that child protective services hasn’t been called to Nic Cage’s home sooner. He named the poor kid Kal-El, for chrissakes. Kal-El. As in Kal-El, Superman’s birth name on his home planet in the DC universe. If that’s not child abuse, I don’t know what fucking is. He could kick his kid in the balls every day of his life and it still wouldn’t be as painful as being named after The Last Son of Krypton.

2011 is starting off with a bang for the Favre family. And by “bang” I mean  the explosive diarrhea kind of bang. Seems that Brett Favre isn’t the only fuck-up in the family. People Magazine says,

Just days after NFL star Brett Favre was sued for sexual harassment, his younger sister, Brandi Favre, was arrested Wednesday for allegedly manufacturing crystal meth at a condo in Mississippi.

Brandi Favre, 34, who lives in Pass Christian, Miss., was charged with manufacturing methamphetamine and generation of hazardous waste, both felonies, according to the local Sun Herald newspaper.

Undercover agents raided the condo in Diamondhead, Miss., after buying meth from two suspects at a gas station off Interstate 10. The apartment had “an overwhelming odor [with] smoke and fumes,” and meth was found cooking in the bathtub, a police sergeant said.

Favre and two other suspects in the condo were arrested. All five suspects were taken to the Hancock County Barn for decontamination and then charged. They were due in court Thursday.

Brandi Favre reportedly has a history of trouble with the law, including prior charges for shoplifting and unlawful use of a weapon.

With a previous history and now two felonies under her belt, I doubt Brandi will be home for Christmas this year. They can just do what my family does whenever someone’s in the pokey; glue their mugshot to one of those standees. You don’t have to buy them a present and you don’t have to remember to talk to them. It’s better than the real thing!

If you’re gonna tell the cops that the purse they found drugs in isn’t yours, you might wanna check and make sure you didn’t take pictures of yourself holding said purse and post them on your Twitter. Case in point: Paris Hilton. People Magazine says:

About a month and a half ago, Paris Hilton couldn’t help but brag about her sparkly new designer handbag.

“Love My New Chanel Purse I got Today. ,” she wrote on her Twitter page under a photo of the purse.

That Tweet may now being coming back to haunt her.

A photo of the heiress during the traffic stop just prior to her arrest last weekend in Las Vegas shows Hilton clutching a black Chanel purse that looks very similar to the one she swooned over on Twitter.

When a small baggie of cocaine allegedly fell out of her purse, she told police that she borrowed it from a friend.

And while we’re at it, if you’re gonna spend an ungodly amount of money on an overpriced designer purse, you might wanna try buying one that doesn’t look like it came out of a display case in the back of a Vietnamese nail spa. I’ve seen more convincing Chanel bags at Freaknik.

Jennifer Aniston has gotten a restraining order against a man who drove cross-country to meet her armed with a knife and a roll of duct tape. I guess some people just don’t appreciate the finer points of romance like I do. TMZ says

Jason Peyton was found on July 15, “laying-in-wait in a location he believes Aniston frequents with a ‘sharp object, a bag, a roll of duct tape and written messages about [Aniston].”

Peyton spent 8 days trying to find her and when he was taken into custody cops found carved messages in the paint of his car saying, “I LOVE YOU JENNIFER ANISTON.” According to the documents, “Peyton is an obsessed, mentally ill and delusional stalker — with a history of violence and criminal stalking — who drove cross-country in his delusional ‘mission’ to locate and marry [Aniston], with whom he believes he is in a relationship.”

As for Peyton’s violent past — it includes stabbing himself and hitting his mother with a golf club.

Peyton, who has been institutionalized before, was ordered to take antipsychotic drugs but authorities say he stopped taking them in March.

I don’t know what she’s thinking here. That’s probably the most meaningful relationship she’s had in the last six years. The ones with “Imaginary Brad” and the Beanie Baby Christmas Bears collection don’t count.

Leaving LAX yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

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Some cop pulled some quality Chief Wiggum-style police work when he mistook some cocaine in Lindsay Lohan’s possession for a breath mint. Says CelebrityFix of the incident,

Lindsay Lohan may have escaped a lengthy jail sentence because a police officer mistook her cocaine for a breath mint, according to a leaked police report.

The Santa Monica Police report from Lilo’s drink driving arrest in 2007 reveals that the officer who searched her thought he found a mint. He then threw it in the trash, contaminating the evidence.

“Now we know why Lindsay Lohan’s 2007 DUI case may have plea bargained so quickly,” writesTMZ.com after uncovering and publishing the report.

Apparently the officer “discovered a folded Clinique sun care card with an unknown substance caked on to the surface of the card in Lohan’s right rear pocket.”

“Some of the white substance fell to the floor,” writes the officer. “I used my foot to see what had fell but thought nothing of it. I did not recognise the substance attached to the card and initially thought the substance was a wet crushed breath mint.

“I put the card into the jail trash can next to the booking windows.”

The officer then admits, “I was looking at the floor and began to recognise the substance as resembling powder cocaine.

“I then recovered the card from the trash.”

The cop says the coke was in the trash for about two minutes before he put the card in an evidence envelope, then scooped up the coke that had fallen to the floor and placed it in a separate evidence envelope.

Who was this cop that he didn’t assume anything on Lindsay’s person could safely be assumed to be drugs? The “mint” being in a Clinique package didn’t seem a little strange? Yeah, I’m not buying it. Lindsay gave him an incentive to “accidentally” drop the evidence in the trash. Exhibit “B”: White powdery residue on Johnny Law’s dick.

Going to see “Eclipse” in LA:

Lindsay Lohan will not be arrested upon her return to the U.S. (boo!) because she has already made bail and the arrest warrant has subsequently been recalled. TMZ says

Earlier today the judge set the bail at $100,000. We’re told Lindsay’s people promptly plunked down $10,000 (the standard 10%) to secure the bond and the judge then recalled the warrant — meaning Lindsay will not be arrested.

Lindsay and her lawyer will be in court on Monday at 8:30 AM. The judge will then set a date for a probation violation hearing.

The probation hearing ought to be pretty interesting, given that French police revealed that Lindsay never reported any “stolen passport” to them — despite her lawyer’s claims to the contrary at yesterday’s hearing. TMZ says

According to French cops, they have no record of any police report filed by Lindsay as far back as Tuesday, when the passport mysteriously and allegedly went missing.

During the court hearing this morning, LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley said LiLo reported the missing passport to authorities.

In the illustrious words of Homer Simpson — “D’OH!” I don’t think Sir Walter Scott could have said it any better himself.

A bench warrant has been issued for Lindsay Lohan after she missed her mandatory DUI hearing in Los Angeles today. Apparently the “volcano and stolen passport” excuse doesn’t hold up well in a court of law. TMZ says

Judge Revel set bail at $100,000 and said Lindsay can post bail and remain free until the next court hearing, IF she does the following:

- drink no alcohol
- wear a SCRAM bracelet
- submit to random drug testing at least once a week

[Lohan's lawyer argued that] there was no reason to require drug testing, but the judge noted that Lindsay was charged in 2007 with being under the influence of cocaine.

Judge Revel said Lindsay knew she was going to jail if she violated probation and knew she needed to get court approval before missing her alcohol ed classes.

If the judge [at the next hearing] determines Lindsay did indeed violate her probation, she could be jailed for 180 days.

Lindsay’s lawyer argued that she was in Cannes “on business” (not vacation, like the judge suggested) promoting her new movie and had every intention of returning in time for the hearing before she was thwarted by malcontent passport thieves. So why didn’t the judge take into account the role her strong work ethic and commitment to responsibility played in this unfortunate event? Um, probably because of this:

Lohan went to Cannes amid rumors that she would play 1970s “Deep Throat” porn star Linda Lovelace in an upcoming biography film. But no official announcement has [yet to be] made.

Well, I don’t see what the big deal is. I thought running away to France when there’s a warrant out for your arrest was just par for the course. It’s certainly worked wonders for Roman Polanski for the last thirty years. If it’s “turning tail and running” or “sticking your head in the sand” you want, then France is definitely the place to be. That’s why “We Brake for Cowards and Sex Offenders!” is their national motto. Otherwise they wouldn’t put in the brochure.

“Working” hard at a yacht party in Cannes last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

I remember Jenna Jameson accusing husband Tito Ortiz of beating her like it was yesterday. But really, it was more like two weeks ago. A lot can happen in two weeks. Like the entire lifespan of a Monarch butterfly, for example. The Dow Jones Industrial Average could rise and fall 1,000 points. Your sour cream could expire. My point is, two weeks is practically an eternity. I just hope the Domestic Relations Courts see it that way when they realize he’s violating the restraining order she took out against him.

One the beach in L.A. with their twins (15 more pics after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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