Lindsay Lohan might not have gone to jail for the DUI she got last year, but not fulfilling the terms of her probation could just do the trick. TMZ says

Judge Marsha Revel made it clear to Lindsay late last year, she must attend alcohol ed courses once every 7 days. The judge was explicit … if Lindsay did not comply with the terms of probation, she was going to jail.

The school in which Lindsay enrolled is required by law to inform the court only if the student is MIA for 21 days. The school has not reported an attendance violation because Lindsay frequently waited until the 21st day to attend classes.

Bottom line — Lindsay met the school’s requirement, but squarely violated the judge’s order.

Naturally, Lindsay doesn’t see it that way. According to the NY Daily News

“Though there have been occasional weeks when Lindsay has missed her alcohol treatment class, she has always managed to make up the class the following week by attending two classes,” her lawyer said. “We contend that Ms. Lohan is in substantial compliance with the conditions of her probation.”

[But] Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Marsha Revel [told Lindsay] in December, “The [alcohol treatment classes] have to be done once a week. Right now the other things will take second place, and this will take first place.”

I’m sure Lindsay was just so busy not having a job and stealing shit and maxing out her credit cards that she just forgot all about her court-ordered alcohol treatment classes. There’s just so much going on her life right now, bless her heart. She can’t keep burning the candle at both ends. Otherwise what will she use as dildo during an impromptu coked-fueled orgy? Nothing, that’s what!

In New York this weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

More of those stupid Tyler Shields pics:

Even though Jenna Jameson claims that she has two torn ligaments after boyfriend Tito Ortiz’ alleged abuse yesterday, she still wants to get back together with him and live happily ever after in the house that methamphetamines built. Radar Online says

She said, “All I know is I’m in love with Tito and I hope to work it out. I’m devastated. I miss Tito.

I think couples therapy is highly imperative in this case. He hasn’t apologized yet because he’s not allowed to contact me, but I know he’s willing to work on it. He’s dealing with a lot right now, but he needs to learn to deal with it in a different way.”

But her story has started to unravel like a stripper’s g-string after a yeast infection — first, she told photographers that he didn’t beat her (video here), but a few hours later she decided he did, in fact, beat her (video here). According to TMZ

When we first saw Jenna last night — around 8 PM — she adamantly stated that Tito did not lay a hand on her.

But a few hours later — around 10 PM — the story had changed, and Jenna repeatedly referred to Tito as a “wife beater.”

So what happened in the time span between her stories? Well, one minor thing — around 9:30 PM — Tito held a press conference in which he insinuated that Jenna’s injuries were the result of her alleged addiction to OxyContin

When confronted with the discrepancies between her two stories, Jenna reportedly yelled, “Yeah? Well, it takes one to know one, cocksucker!” before she flashed her tits and started crying hysterically, then side-stepped into a parked car and vomited on its hood. No, wait… actually, that might have been me. Once the arresting officer gives his official statement I’ll get back to you ASAP.

Randy Quaid and wife Evi showed up at criminal court in Santa Barbara about two weeks too late yesterday for a hearing regarding charges they defrauded San Ysidro Ranch out of $10,000. According to People Magazine

“The judge said they showed disrespect by prior failures to appear and by flashing Randy’s Golden Globe award in court the last time around,” [the] Santa Barbara District Attorney said, referring to the couple bringing Randy’s best-actor trophy for the 1988 miniseries LBJ: The Early Years to a hearing.

The Quaids posted bail of $100,000 each and left the jail facility in the afternoon after three hours in custody.

Only a fucking actor would bring in a goddamn trophy he got from work and think it’d get him out of felony fraud charges. Hey, I got a blue ribbon in the sack race on Field Day in third grade once, does that mean I don’t have to submit to a sobriety test? Here’s my “Most Valuable Player” certificate from Wal-Mart that entitles me to a free kid’s meal at Luby’s, so my arrest is null and void, right? Plus this coffee mug and matching mousepad say “World’s Foxiest Grandpa,” right there in black and white! You can’t argue with personalized ceramics and low-density rubber composites. The defense rests, your honor!

“Melrose Place” actress Heather Locklear was arrested for hit-and-run last Saturday. The victim? A roadside No Parking sign. TMZ says

Deputies found a knocked over “no parking” sign and obvious signs of a car that went up the curb, striking the sign.

Deputies confirmed through investigation that the car in question was Locklear’s black BMW.

Deputies then went to Locklear’s home, saw damage to the BMW that was consistent with the collision, and arrested her for hit-and-run. A court date has been set for May 17.

Wow, the L.A.P.D. sure are a crackerjack police squad. That No-Parking-sign whodunit could have left tens of people parking on the wrong side of the street for weeks. I know I’ll rest a little easier now that the celebrity menace responsible for this atrocity has finally been brought to justice. Mostly because I’m really a Street Sweeping Every Third Thursday of the Month sign with kids to feed.

On the set of Melrose Place a few months ago:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Salut, mes porcelets!  It’s Sarah.  As Sonya told you last week, Abby’s on vacation until after New Year’s and I’ll be with you until then.  Are you excited?  Well don’t be, because so far today is seriously the most boring thing in the entire universe.  There is absolutely nothing of any interest going on, so I guess that means we have to talk about how Charlie Sheen got arrested on Christmas morning in Aspen.  I know nobody really gives a shit about Charlie Sheen, but he used to be kinda famous so I guess this technically counts as news.

Anyway, Charlie Sheen and his wife, Brooke Whatsherface (that’s her legal name), were staying in a rented house in Aspen for Christmas, and at 11am Sheen was arrested on charges of felony second-degree assault, felony menacing, and misdemeanor criminal mischief.  Incidentally, what the HELL is “felony menacing”?  Is that, like, inappropriate scowling?  To an illegal degree, apparently?  I can only hope that somewhere in the police report are the words, “Subject was skulking and hulking at a felony level.”

What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, Charlie Sheen got arrested for pushing his wife around.  There’s really no more to this story, but if you’re clinically retarded enough to be super interested in the most boring crazy person on earth, you can read more about Charlie Sheen’s arrest on Radar Online.

The D.A. will not be filing charges against Joe Francis for his attack on Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole in an L.A. nightclub last August. I repeat, will NOT be filing charges. I’m guessing that like me, the D.A. spends most of his free time huffing glue and paint thinner. TMZ says

The D.A. [states] that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation” [and] thought “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.”

And how is Joe Francis is taking the news that he gets off scott-free? By suing Jayde for battery, assault, negligence, slander, libel, false light and a partridge in a pear tree, naturally!

According to the lawsuit, Francis claims he was innocently walking through a crowd of people at “Guys and Dolls” nightclub in Hollywood, when Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole suddenly struck him in the head, threw a drink on him and stated, “I’m going to kill you!”

Francis claims he saw Jayde reaching for a bottle, [and] “in fear and apprehension of being struck a third time and that Nicole was going to carry out her threat to kill him,” Joe grabbed Nicole’s hair in “self-defense.”

Joe claims Nicole fell to the ground because she “lost her balance on her high heels.”

I’ve never personally had a yeast infection, but if I did, I imagine the discharge would look and smell a lot like Joe Francis. That guy is a cuntwipe of the highest order. I’m surprised he doesn’t leave a sticky white trail and burning feminine itch wherever he goes.

See Jayde naked here and here.

Remember Mel Gibson’s 2006 DUI arrest where he went on an anti-Semetic tirade and called one of the arresting officers “sugartits?” No, you don’t, because it never happened. Cue the Dale Gribble “shh-shh-shah!” TMZ says

Mel Gibson’s 2006 DUI is now officially off his record… after Judge Lawrence Mira just signed legal documents in Malibu.

Mel’s lawyer, Blair Berk, requested the motion to dismiss on September 21 after Mel successfully completed the terms of his three-year probation.

Boy, if Lady Justice were a real person, that blindfold would have been yanked down into gag restraint and she’d be in the fetal position still bleeding from the anus. I’ve already lived through my wedding night once, thank you very much. No sense in subjecting the legal system to it, too.

David Letterman admitted on CBS’ “Late Show” last night that he had been the victim of a $2 million dollar extortion attempt by a producer at “48 Hours” stemming from his sexual encounters with several women currently in his employ. Letterman, of course, has been married to Regina Lasko since March, after dating her for 23 years, but in his defense, she looks like she should be in construction, or the very least a member of the East German Hammer Throwing Team. According to Variety

On the show, Letterman sat down behind his desk and [said he had] received a package three weeks ago from someone who claimed to have information about alleged sexual relations he has had with female employees of the “Late Show.”

“I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says, ‘I know that you do some terrible, terrible things. And I can prove that you do these terrible things.’ Sure enough, contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things,” Letterman said.

The host said the alleged extortion suspect claimed he planned to write both a movie screenplay and a book based on what he knew — that Letterman had engaged in sex with staffers.

Letterman said the individual threatened to go public with the allegations unless Letterman paid the person $2 million.

The host, under advisement of his attorney, met with the man on three different occasions. According to Letterman, the suspect even made it clear he knew what he was doing was illegal.

Letterman told his audience that he then contacted the Manhattan District Attorney’s Special Prosecution Bureau. The meeting with the D.A. led to a sting operation, in which Letterman met with the individual and handed the person a fake $2 million check. That person was arrested on Thursday.

$2 million? Are you kidding me? In this economy? If the extortionist had kept it reasonable, say, $500,000 and maybe the property rights to Paul Shaffer, he would have his money and his little muppet, too. Now all he’ll have to keep him company are Angelo the Serial Stabber and the nickname “Cream of Meat.”

Kim Kardashian on the show last night:

Lindsay Lohan had a pretty low-key weekend, first having a warrant issued for her arrest for violating her probation on Friday, then partying until four in the morning and fucking a famous octogenarian on Saturday, and finally coming home Sunday morning to destroy property during a lovers’ quarrels with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. People Magazine says of Friday’s events:

Lindsay Lohan’s attorney says [the arrest warrant] stemming from [Lindsay's] 2007 DUI conviction was “born out of a misunderstanding which I am confident I can clear up next week.”

And of Saturday:

Lohan’s latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m., Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholson’s house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.

And of Sunday:

Lohan’s bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronson’s house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.

The only true crime in all this is whatever the hell Lindsay did to her lips. Either Sam Ronson punched her square in the mouth during the fight, or Lindsday Loan got an upper lip full of Juvederm. Or maybe eating Sam Ronson’s puss is the equivalent of locking lips with a car battery. How the hell should I know. What am I, psychic?

Hi guys and dolls, it’s Sonya. Sorry to pull the ol’ rug out from under you, but Abby is taking one more week off to recoop, but I can promise you she’ll be back all bright eyed and bushy tailed next week. Oh, and I apologize in advance if the posts seem to be a bit later than usual–I’m on the West Coast and so my head is barely peeking out of the covers when all you East Coasters have already been up for a few hours. But don’t worry, I can’t really sleep in. I have four animals that all demand to be fed as soon as the sky starts getting light, plus a five year old. Anyhoo.

A whole week after singer Chris Brown was busted for smacking his bitch up, he finally managed to issue a public “apology” I’d say better late than never, but Chris has perfected the art of apologizing without actually admitting wrongdoing. New York Post elaborates:

The R&B singer, who was busted after allegedly beating his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna, said he was “sorry and saddened” – but also bashed the media for mostly getting the story “wrong.”

Brown, 19, took a full week to make the statement, which doesn’t even mention Rihanna by name. Nor does it give his version of what happened Feb. 8 between him and the 20-year-old singer in Los Angeles.

“Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired,” Brown said.

“I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones, and I am committed, with God’s help, to emerging a better person.”

“Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong,” Brown said, without pointing out specific examples.

Yeah, uh-huh. There’s not much that drives me up the wall about these celebrity types as when they do something stupid/illegal and drag God into it. I’m pretty sure the big G-O-D doesn’t sit up there chatting with JC and the Holy Spirit, and he turns to them and says, “Yo, that Chris Brown, he’s my bro. Yeah, so he beat up that Reena or Rhinoceros or whatever that dumb broad’s name is, but man, she deserved it, yo. Bitch was provoking him. I’ve got his back. Me and Chris, we’re like this!“, as he crosses his gigantic glowy index and middle fingers.

Juuuuust don’t see it happening.

Though there are yet to be any named sources, it does seem pretty clear at this point that Rihanna was indeed the victim of the beating for which Chris Brown was arrested Sunday evening and charged with felony domestic assault.  Plenty of details are now emerging, but they have yet to be confirmed by clearly identified sources.

TMZ listed a vague cite of “law enforcement sources” in their report on the extent of Rihanna’s injuries:

Law enforcement sources have now gotten specific with us… police took pictures of Rihanna’s injuries and they are “horrific.”

As we reported, the photos show major contusions on both sides of the singer’s face — there is serious swelling and bruising. Her lip is split and her nose bloody. We have now confirmed there are bite marks on one of her arms and on several fingers.

And we now know this… Rihanna claims Brown struck her with his fists and that’s what did the damage. There was no object used in the alleged attack.

Rihanna refused treatment at the scene, but before she left cops took photos. We’re told the photos alone are “devastating proof of abuse.”

And we’ve learned it was not Rihanna who called 911. Someone in the area heard her screams and called.

The NY Daily News cited an equally vague “police source” describing Rihanna’s cooperation with the LAPD:

Rihanna is providing “ongoing” cooperation with detectives, who are building a domestic violence case against Brown, a police source told the Los Angeles Times.

A key to the case could be a witness in Los Angeles’ affluent Hancock Park neighborhood who called 911.

Brown, 19, and Rihanna, 20, started fighting inside his car, got out and continued arguing on a block of million-dollar homes.

“The screaming woke up my neighbors, but I slept through it,” said Leslie Erika Klein, 62, who lives on the block. “My son saw them tow away the silver Lamborghini.”

“I hope she’s okay,” Klein added. “It’s a shame.”

Okay, look… I’m not quite sure how to put this without accidentally insinuating something, which is not my intention at all.  I am not remotely alleging that this incident didn’t happen; I would merely like to point out that it took place just two days ago and thus far, the single identified source is an old lady who slept through the disturbance and says that her son told her he saw a car get towed away.  The only described witness (the person who called 911) has yet to be named.

Basically, while the interwebs are all a-flutter with scuttlebutt, I just want to be the boring one who reminds you that these details are still just rumours until confirmed by someone — anyone at all, really — directly connected in any way with the events in question.

Rihanna at Saturday’s Grammy Salute to Industry Icons, before the incident:

Ahoy, mateys!  It’s Sarah.  Since it’s Fleet Week and Abby’s off supporting the troops, I’ll be conducting this crazy train for the week.  It should be fun for everyone, especially since I was so hungover yesterday that I think I broke my immune system and now I have what I suspect might be a viral cocktail of Swine flu and Ebola.  All aboard!

Speaking of swine, Chris Brown was arrested last night.  He turned himself into the LAPD at 7:15pm after fleeing the scene of an “altercation” around 12:30am Sunday morning after the pre-Grammy gala honouring Clive Davis.  Brown was booked on felony battery charges, released on $50,000 bond and issued a court date for March 5th.  Police are not identifying the victim, but witnesses say she’s Brown’s girlfriend Rihanna.  Brown and Rihanna were both scheduled to appear at last night’s Grammys, and both called in sick at the last minute.  From the NY Daily News:

R&B singer Chris Brown was arrested Sunday night by Los Angeles cops for allegedly beating up a woman, and insiders identified the victim as his superstar girlfriend Rihanna.

Sources said Brown beat sexy singer Rihanna, 20, after they fought in his car following a pre-Grammys party.

“She got out of the car to walk home. He got out to stop her,” said a source. “Things got physical. He hit her, possibly more than once. She had multiple bruises.”

A security guard at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles told the Daily News Sunday night that he saw Rihanna being taken for treatment at the hospital.

“She’s been released,” said guard Rodderick Brown.

The “Umbrella” singer and Chris Brown, 19, were both scheduled to perform at the Grammys, but pulled out at the last minute.

The Los Angeles Police Department would not identify the woman who was attacked, citing confidentiality.

With all these unidentified sources, I’d take the victim’s rumoured identity with a grain of salt.  Also, consider that the NY Daily News might be out of their goddamn minds because Chris Brown looks like he has some combination of Hydrocephaly and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but at one point in that story they called him “sweet-faced”.  I mean, seriously.  Sweet-faced compared to what?  The unholy offspring of Mike Tyson and Rocky from Mask?

Chris Brown and Rihanna at Saturday night’s Grammy Salute to Industry Icons, before the incident (they arrived separately, but left together):