The Quaid boys continued their quest to make mother proud this month, with Dennis “the Handsome one” narrowly avoiding a DUI last night after getting plastered at Phillipe restaurant. Wait, did I just say “narrowly avoiding a DUI?” Because I meant “being handed a fucking get out of jail free card by a kiss-ass L.A. cop.” TMZ says

The actor could have been hit with DUI since he did get behind the wheel of of his car while the motor was running and turned the wheel for a split second. ([Legally], if the motor is running and you’re behind the wheel, you can get busted for a DUI). Cops eventually told Quaid to get out of the car — and he took a cab home.

We’re told the decision to bust is at the officer’s discretion, which in this case, saved Quaid’s ass.

So the cops stopped him just in the nick of time. Good for them. Had it been you or me, they would have set up a road block a quarter mile down the road, put our ass in handcuffs and impounded our ‘79 Pinto. I guess that’s what we get for not starring in “Enemy Mine” and “Gorp.”

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Thirty-one years after he was convicted of raping this thirteen-year old girl, director Roman Polanski was finally arrested last night in Switzerland, where he was to be honored at a Zurich film festival. The Daily Mail says

On arrival at Zurich Airport, police swooped on 76-year-old Polanski.

Polanski has been on the run from the U.S. since 1978, a year after pleading guilty to unlawful sex with teenager Samantha Geimer. Before [he could be] sentenced, he fled to Paris, where he has lived since. He has not set foot in the U.S. for 31 years.

Switzerland’s extradition treaty with the U.S., signed in 1990, means Polanski, a French citizen, may be flown to Los Angeles where he faces a long prison sentence.

For those of you who don’t know the details of his crime:

Roman Polanski was 44 when he conducted a private photo shoot with [the 13-year old girl] for the French edition of Vogue. Polanski performed various sex acts on her after giving her champagne and drugs.

Polanski was initially charged with rape by use of drugs, perversion, sodomy and lewd and lascivious act upon a child under 14.

On February 1, 1978, while awaiting sentencing, he left the U.S. [for] France, where he held citizenship, beginning a 31-year fight by the U.S. authorities to bring the director to justice.

An extradition request filed by U.S. officials was denied by the French.

So in addition to harboring smelly cheeses and general disdain, France is also apparently a safe-haven for child rapists and therefore understandably outraged by his arrest:

French culture minister Frederic Mitterand said he was ‘dumbfounded’ by the filmmaker’s arrest.

Mr Mitterrand said he ’strongly regrets that a new ordeal is being inflicted on someone who has already experienced so many of them.’

And yesterday his ministry said French President Nicolas Sarkozy was ‘following the case with great attention and shares the minister’s hope that the situation can be quickly resolved.’

Yes, poor, poor, Roman Polanski. His parents were killed at Auschwitz and his wife was murdered, so that apparently gives him license to pump eighth grade girls full of barbiturates and sodomize them in a hot tub. Like that old Levitical law says, “an eye for an eye.” I’m sure “an eye for a prepubescent asshole” still falls under the umbrella of the Torah.

Dita von Teese modeling her new WonderBra line because she’s not 13:

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested yesterday in Texas on burglary, defrauding an innkeeper and conspiracy charges after they failed to pay the San Ysidro Ranch in Santa Barbara the thousands of dollars they owed after an extended stay. This isn’t the first time the pair has been accused of the dine-and-dash approach to swanky hotels, either — TMZ says they also stiffed Bel Air Hotel in L.A., among other places. Presidio County Sheriff’s deputies said

Randy assaulted [the police] both physically and verbally and resisted arrest, but [we] will not file charges. The Sheriff’s office is in touch with officials in Santa Barbara County, who want Randy and Evi extradited.

When asked for a statement, Randy said, “Well, I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn’t you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn’t big enough. Well, I didn’t want to ask you, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?” Clark W. Griswold was reportedly unavailable for comment.

UPDATE: After Randy and Evi posted bail, the two sent a copy of a cashier’s check supposedly made out to the San Ysidro Ranch along with a handwritten statement claiming their innocence to TMZ (see that paper here).

Fug mug shots:

The “stars” — and I use that term loosely — of the new CW show “The Vampire Diaries” were arrested last month for flashing motorists off of an I-75 overpass. The NY Post says

The undead stars don’t just suck blood and turn into bats — they also flash people from overpasses in a small town in Georgia.

“The four actresses from the show were out just doing some stunt pictures, but because of the way they were acting and carrying on on the bridge, we had quite a few 911 calls,” a spokeswoman for the Monroe County, Ga., Sheriff’s Office [said].

The cops arrested the photographer, along with actresses Nina Dobrev, 20, Sara Canning, 22, Kayla Ewell, 24, and Candice Accola, 22, for disorderly conduct. They were released after paying $4,000 in fines.

Well, last time I checked, “CW” didn’t stand for “classy women.” I’m pretty sure it stands for “crap weasel.” Then it all makes sense.

Mug shots of all involved, plus one of Nina Debrov in Nylon magazine and a couple of Kayla Ewell in a bikini last year:

Michael Douglas’ son Cameron was busted yesterday with enough meth for an entire trailer park and most of the topless revue at Clancy Truck Stop ‘n’ Go-Go off I-81. TMZ says

Cameron Douglas was arrested in New York City for possession of methamphetamines with the intent to distribute. The 30-year-old actor was taken into custody by federal authorities earlier today.

It’s not the first time Cameron has been busted for drugs. Back in 2007 he was charged with felony possession of a controlled substance after cops found a syringe with liquid cocaine in a car he was in.

My mom always use to say, “A little meth never heard anybody.” At least, I think that’s what she was saying. It was hard to understand her sometimes because most of her teeth had fallen out and her gums were riddled with sores and she was usually shouting it from her makeshift hammock in the corner of the shed where she lived so the government couldn’t listen in on her thoughts anymore.

And now for some sexy Jennifer Aniston leg action on the set of “The Bounty” to cleanse the palate:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News, Splash News

90’s supermodel and one of the very first ever Victoria’s Secret Angels Karen Mulder was arrested in Paris yesterday after allegedly threatening to kill her plastic surgeon. The Daily Mail

The 39-year-old is being held in the French capital following ‘vicious telephone calls’ directed at the female medic.

Mulder asked for a previous operation to be reversed. A detective said: ‘She was screaming and shouting about the operation and became extremely threatening. There were repeated calls to the female surgeon who was extremely scared.’

But this isn’t the first time Karen’s gone bat-shit insane:

In 2001 she claimed she and other models had been used as sex slaves by senior politicians and policeman, even falsely claiming she had been raped by Prince Albert of Monaco.

She attended a psychiatric hospital suffering from chronic depression, blaming it on drug addiction… [and a] year later attempted suicide by taking an overdose of sleeping pills.

And even when presented with the above information — her compulsive lying, manic mood swings and tendencies for self-harming — 10 out of 10 males surveyed still said they would try to put their penis inside her. I believe the technical term for this phenomenon is “boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” You probably learned about it on the playground in grade school.

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Danielle Staub was granted a temporary injunction today against the release of a sex tape in which she stars with her former boyfriend. Give it another two weeks and it’ll be all over the interwebs for free. TMZ says

Her lawyer filed a complaint alleging [former boyfriend] Stephen Zalewski, who also appeared on the reality show, invaded her privacy and has caused her and her young daughters emotional distress.

Zalewski told Star magazine, “I’m definitely weighing my options as far as selling [the tapes] and getting them out there … She cost me so much money, why shouldn’t I make a few dollars?”

In other slut-related news, you might remember that her ex-husband claimed Danielle worked as a prostitute before being arrested for her role in an extortion plot masterminded by her Colombian cartel dealing boyfriend, all of which she categorically denied. Well, hey, guess what:

The Smoking Gun has obtained copies of FBI court documents from that bust.

The documents state that [Staub] was working as an escort when she became involved with local cocaine kingpin Daniel Aguilar. In June 1986, Daniel had [Staub] take a kilo of cocaine to Carmen Centolella, who was supposed to sell the drugs to four men. When [Staub] arrived, she was accosted by the men [and held] at gunpoint before fleeing with the cocaine.

When Aguilar learned what had happened, he orchestrated Carmen Centolella’s kidnapping. Centolella was beaten while he was held at Aguilar’s house for three days, during which phone calls were placed to his father demanding $25,000 ransom. According to the documents, [Staub] placed the first call to the father, during which she “threatened injury or death” to his son.

The FBI made their arrests and two months later — facing a possible sentence of 20 years in prison — [Staub] agreed to plead guilty to a single felony count of extortion and received to five years probation, in exchange for testifying against Aguilar. According to the documents, he was later sentenced to 15 years behind bars.

You know, I always wondered what Ron Burgundy meant by the term “smelly pirate hooker.” I don’t wonder anymore.

While Farrah Fawcett, who is currently enduring her second bout with colorectal cancer, lapsed into unconsciousness at a Los Angeles hospital last night, her son was busy getting busted for smuggling meth onto jail property. It’s what any dying mother would want, really. The NY Daily News says

A cancer-stricken [and unconscious] Farrah Fawcett was fighting for her life Sunday night as relatives gathered at her bedside. The former “Charlie’s Angels” star, now 62, has been in an undisclosed hospital since Thursday.

Adding to the family drama was yesterday’s arrest of her son Redmond O’Neal on charges he tried to smuggle drugs into a county jail. O’Neal, 24, was busted when he drove a friend to [visit a buddy currently incarcerated in] a detention facility in Santa Clarita, Calif., and guards found drugs on him at a checkpoint.

I can’t think of anything more appropriate to do while your mother’s on her deathbed. Getting arrested for soliciting sex from an underage transvestite or plowing through a sidewalk full of orphans piss-drunk and high is a close second. It sure beats the hell out of flowers and prayers, anyway. Why does everything have to be so goddamn clichéd?

UPDATE: People Magazine says Farrah is now awake and doing better, while her son remains an insufferable douche.

UPDATE II: It was heroin and Xanax that the insufferable douche was caught with, not meth. Yeeeah regrets the error and Ryan O’Neal’s facial hair.

Vintage Farrah:

Here’s a fun fact: Florida’s major industries are tourism, citrus fruits, phosphate mining, and crazy people. Seriously. Find a story about someone doing something really stupid/weird, and chances are they’re from Florida. Is it the humidity? Does it mess up the electric impulses being fired in the brain? Case in point:TMZ reports,

A man claiming he was “meant to be” with Shawn Johnson was arrested early Tuesday morning after trying to sneak on to the set of “Dancing With the Stars” — and cops say he had two loaded guns and duct tape in his car.

Johnson’s mother, Teri, has just filed a petition for a restraining order against the man, 34-year-old Robert O’Ryan. The restraining order seeks protection for 17-year-old Shawn, her mother, her father and her “Dancing” partner Mark Ballas.

According to documents filed by Johnson, “The LAPD searched [O'Ryan's] vehicle and located a loaded .45 handgun, a loaded shotgun, and materials classically used for kidnapping including duct tape, zip ties, a map to the victim. Also found were love letters, clippings and other information on the victim.”

According to the documents, O’Ryan told police “He had packed all his belongings and permanently left Florida to drive out here to be with [Shawn Johnson], he believes that she speaks to him personally through the television set and through ESP and that they will have a child together, he stated he would be with her no matter what.”

According to the CBS incident report, the whole thing started Monday afternoon when a CBS employee noticed O’Ryan jumping a fence and entering a hallway in the East Studio. Private security confronted him and asked for ID — and that’s when O’Ryan produced an expired concealed weapons license. When guards asked if he had a weapon on him, O’Ryan admitted to having 2 guns in his car. At that point, the guards alerted the LAPD.

It’s just a big misunderstanding, really. He thought she was talking through the TV set through ESP, but she really was just on ESPN. Ba-doom, BAH!

The father of John Graziano — the young marine left in a vegetative state after Nick Hogan’s 2007 car crash — was arrested yesterday for hiring a hit man to kill his estranged wife. Edward Graziano reportedly attempted to pay the hit man with a personal check and a thirteen-dollar gift card to a local pizzeria. You can’t make this shit up. According to TMZ

According to police, Edward Graziano told an undercover officer posing as a “go-between” to a hit man that he wanted to have his wife Debra killed. Perhaps most troubling — cops say Graziano wanted her killed in an automobile accident.

Graziano allegedly paid for the hit with $1,100 cash, a $1,000 personal check and a $13.06 gift card to Westshore Pizza.

$13.06 in coupons may not sound like much, but you have to take into consideration that Westshore pizza joint makes a killer Sicilian-style pie. They use real pecorino cheese and everything. I’d say that’s gotta be worth at least one human life, maybe two if they bypass traditional dough for focaccia. It’s not really fair to judge ’till you know all the facts.

Adnan Ghalib was charged with three felonies yesterday after running over a man who was attempting to serve him with legal papers on behalf of Britney Spears. TMZ reports

The L.A. County District Attorney has charged Adnan with assault with a deadly weapon, battery, and hit and run — all felonies.

One law enforcement source says Ghalib hit the [process server], who landed on the hood, and then continued driving. The server jumped on the hood of Ghalib’s Mercedes to avoid being pinned against a trash truck.

Cops and paramedics were called. The victim broke his wrist and suffered cuts and bruises.

Prosecutors are asking for bail set at $110,000. If convicted, Ghalib could get seven years in prison.

Unfortunately, Adnan could not be charged with felony possession of mega-douchey chin pubes, as genital stylings worn on the face are not yet a crime in the U.S. It’s just one more example of another ne’er-do-well managing to slip through the cracks of the American penal system. But if it’s any consolation, the next time I use the words “penal” and “crack” in reference to Adnan, they’ll mean something else entirely. Maybe there is some justice in this world after all.

Kanye West was arrested in England this morning after an altercation with a photographer outside a pub in Newcastle.  From the Associated Press:

LONDON (AP) — Rapper Kanye West was arrested after a fracas outside a nightclub but released without charge, British media reported Friday.

The Press Association news agency and others reported that that the 31-year-old rapper was detained early Friday after an incident involving a photographer outside the Tup Tup Palace bar in Newcastle, northern England.

Police said only that a 31-year-old man had been arrested on suspicion of assault after an incident at a nightclub. They said he was later released without charge. British police do not usually identify suspects who have not been charged.

The Tup Tup Palace said West visited the club after his gig in Newcastle Thursday but could not confirm the arrest.

A spokeswoman for West did not immediately return a call seeking comment.

West was arrested last month at Los Angeles International Airport after he was filmed struggling with a paparazzo. He was not charged.

Honestly, at this point it’s really only “news” if Kanye West shows up anywhere and fails to do one of the following:

a) Cry like a little bitch
b) Assault someone
c) Rant to anyone who will stand still long enough about how awesome he thinks he is

If a full day ever went by without ANY of those things happening, I’m pretty sure it would herald the dawn of the Apocalypse.