Obscenely pregnant Jessica Simpson just signed an estimated $3 million deal with Weight Watchers to lose the post-pregnancy weight and become a news spokesperson for their weight loss program. According to Page Six:

Sources tell us the blond star has been fielding offers from a number of weight-loss programs, [but she ultimately chose to go with Weight Watchers].

One source said, “The deal is in place, and after having her baby, she’ll start with Weight Watchers to lose her baby weight.”

So it actually behooves her to put on more weight before the baby comes because then her post-pregnancy weight loss will seem all the more drastic. It will inspire fatties everywhere to believe the secret to looking like a slightly less bloated Jessica Simpson is measuring portions and assigning points and ordering from the WW section of the menu at Applebee’s, when the reality is it will be the personal trainer, the personal chef, a prescription for Adderall and Ambien, illegally obtained human growth hormone and $10,000 worth of liposuction and that will make Jessica Simpson look like she did before the baby and Krispy Kreme wrecked her body.

With fiance Eric Johnson and sister Ashlee and her son Bronx in New York yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I’m sure tens of you have spent many sleepless nights racking your brain and wringing your hands, wondering where it all went wrong in Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz’ marriage. The obvious answer is that Pete’s a total fag, but it turns out that wasn’t the only impetus behind the split. Us Magazine says:

“Ashlee has been out late partying for the past few months,” says one insider. Specifically, the singer-actress hangs with a crew of pro skateboarders in San Clemente and returns home at sunrise.

Fall Out Boy rocker Wentz, 31, “started getting burnt out” by those antics. On the road with his band, he “would constantly check in on Ashlee, and he’d have his friends call the house and her cell to make sure she said she was where she said she was going to be,” an insider explains. “He felt like he couldn’t trust her.”

But that’s not the story her friends are telling. According to them, it was Ashlee who was staying at home while Pete was out partying it up with his douchebag friends. Page Six says:

“Ashlee has been unhappy for a while. Pete continued living the life of a rock star, hanging out late, going to clubs, posing for the paparazzi… She wants her life and her career back.”

She wants “her career back?” Sorry, but you can’t get something back that you never had in the first place. I think it has something to do with the Law of Conservation and the fact that Ashlee Simpson sucks.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Well, isn’t this the day for the death of true love. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have announced their split. Says Digital Spy,

Ashlee Simpson has filed for divorce from husband Pete Wentz.

According to the court documents, Simpson has cited “irreconcilable differences” as the legal reason for the split. The 24-year-old is seeking spousal support, reports TMZ.

“After careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to file for divorce,” the couple said in a statement.

They added: “We remain friends and deeply committed and loving parents to our son Bronx, whose happiness and well-being remains our number one priority. We ask that everyone honour our privacy as we navigate this next phase of our lives.”

Simpson is seeking primary physical custody of 2-year-old Bronx with visitation for Wentz. She also hopes to drop the moniker Wentz from her name.

The pair married in May 2008. Their official date of separation is to be determined, according to the court papers.

Yes, yes, “irreconcilable differences” indeed. The problem was that there was one too many vaginas in the marriage. And no, I’m not talking about Ashlee’s.

In happier times:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

This must be one of those elves that didn’t make it to Valinor. I bet they left her at Grey Havens and then laughed and high-fived each other as they sailed away to the Undying Lands.

Ashlee Simpson at the Decade of Denim:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Ashlee Simpson’s hair has been blonde, brown and red, but it’s never been short before. Until now. Pete Wentz posted the above picture on his Twitter and wrote:

New blonde pixie haircut is cute! Cute hair mama!

I’m sure he loves it. Now she has the exact same hairdo and eye makeup he does. When they’re doing it from behind, I bet it looks just like he’s having sex with himself. Only it’s his Bizarro self, because she has blonde hair. Otherwise it might get a little weird.

With her old hair last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Ashlee Simpson is probably saving a fortune by sharing husband Pete Wentz’ hair dye. Not to mention what they save sharing makeup and styling tools and feminine hygiene products! Playtex: because we’re not you’re husband’s tampon.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Ashlee Simpson’s suckitude seems to have no bounds — she’s just been fired from the CW’s “Melrose Place.” According to Star Magazine

Executive Producer Todd Slavkinoth confirmed that both Ashlee and her costar Colin Egglesfield will be leaving the series.

He added they took the news “like professionals,” saying: “When you go into a show you never know what’s going to evolve and what the possibilities are. But because they knew ahead of time [that leaving was a possibility], it wasn’t a complete shock.”

Their final appearances will be in January.

Well, the good news is that Ashlee is just as good an actress as she is a singer. The bad news is that Ashlee Simpson couldn’t sing her way out of a wet paper bag if it were floating down a river in the middle of a hurricane. And I don’t even know what that means. That’s just how much she sucks.

At the launch party for the series:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin

Remember when Ashlee Simpson got pregnant and tried to tell us it was because Pete Wentz inserted his Tab A into her Slot B?  Well, listen, I don’t want to shake the foundations of anyone’s reality or anything, but Pete Wentz wears more eyeliner than I do, minces around in ladies’ jeans, has a pixie haircut, and pitches a baseball like he’s flinging rose petals at a Miss America coronation.  I think Ashlee Simpson has some explaining to do, because you’d have an easier time getting viable sperm out of a Bratz doll than from Pete Wentz.

Sporty Spice throwing the first pitch at the Dodgers game:

Jessica isn’t the only Simpson girl who likes her booze — little sister Ashlee got shit-faced at a nightclub over the weekend for the third time in two weeks. Pacific Coast News says

The slim “Melrose Place” star looked very tired as she left popular night spot [Bardot], stumbling on her way out. Ashlee’s friend helped the star out as she clambered into their car, making sure she kept Ashlee’s skirt under control so she didn’t suffer an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction.

Boy, I sure wish I’d had my own personal leg closer back in college. It probably would’ve saved me a case of chlamydia and a couple of bastard children. Toss in professional hair-holder-backer/turn-her-on-her-side-so-she-doesn’t-aspirate-her-own-vomiter and I’d have been practically invincible freshman year.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Ashlee Simpson showed up at the “Power of Leather” event in Times Square this week Botoxed beyond belief and with a lip full of Juvederm. One of the side effects of that much Botox is the unfortunate “drooping eyes,” (example here), and Ashlee’s got it bad. She needs to be careful with that stuff. I bet it’s hard to lipsync convincingly when you can’t move a muscle in your face.

With husband Pete Wentz:

On Tuesday, while Ashlee Simpson posted a photo of four-month-old Bronx Mowgli on Twitter, husband Pete Wentz was in Vegas getting drunk with a bunch of strippers. According to Star Magazine

The Fall Out Boy bassist — who was without his wife of nearly one year — partied hard with about 50 band members, dancers and pals (including Girls Next Door star Holly Madison) following a sold-out show at the Palms Casino Resort on April 5.

“Everybody was going absolutely crazy,” an eyewitness tells Star. “People were even drunkenly playing makeshift Slip ‘n’ Slide with a mat and lubricant. And Pete was in great spirits. He was dancing and… grinding up against the dancers.”

At one point he was “dancing on a pool table with the girls,” the partygoer adds.

There has to be some mistake here. Pete’s just one of the girls. And we all know how girls are when they hang out together — waylayed by their desires and bi-curious impulses and forced to surrender themselves to naked-pillow-fights-turned-daisy-chains. If it wasn’t true, they wouldn’t have put it on the internet.

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson posted the supposed “first official picture” of new baby Bronx Mowgli on Pete’s Friends of Enemies website, along with a plea for you to donate money to several different charities… none of which are Suicide Prevention or Support for Proposition 8. Ding ding ding ding ding! That should have thrown up the first red flag for you right there. Then there isn’t even eyeliner or an ill-fitting anime t-shirt anywhere on the baby. Second flag. Yep, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me. I’m like Nancy Drew of the gossip world, if Nancy Drew had early stage liver disease and a socially crippling fear of robot overlords. And I know a fake when I see one!