Ashlee Simpson is probably saving a fortune by sharing husband Pete Wentz’ hair dye. Not to mention what they save sharing makeup and styling tools and feminine hygiene products! Playtex: because we’re not you’re husband’s tampon.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Ashlee Simpson’s suckitude seems to have no bounds — she’s just been fired from the CW’s “Melrose Place.” According to Star Magazine

Executive Producer Todd Slavkinoth confirmed that both Ashlee and her costar Colin Egglesfield will be leaving the series.

He added they took the news “like professionals,” saying: “When you go into a show you never know what’s going to evolve and what the possibilities are. But because they knew ahead of time [that leaving was a possibility], it wasn’t a complete shock.”

Their final appearances will be in January.

Well, the good news is that Ashlee is just as good an actress as she is a singer. The bad news is that Ashlee Simpson couldn’t sing her way out of a wet paper bag if it were floating down a river in the middle of a hurricane. And I don’t even know what that means. That’s just how much she sucks.

At the launch party for the series:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin

Remember when Ashlee Simpson got pregnant and tried to tell us it was because Pete Wentz inserted his Tab A into her Slot B?  Well, listen, I don’t want to shake the foundations of anyone’s reality or anything, but Pete Wentz wears more eyeliner than I do, minces around in ladies’ jeans, has a pixie haircut, and pitches a baseball like he’s flinging rose petals at a Miss America coronation.  I think Ashlee Simpson has some explaining to do, because you’d have an easier time getting viable sperm out of a Bratz doll than from Pete Wentz.

Sporty Spice throwing the first pitch at the Dodgers game:

Jessica isn’t the only Simpson girl who likes her booze — little sister Ashlee got shit-faced at a nightclub over the weekend for the third time in two weeks. Pacific Coast News says

The slim “Melrose Place” star looked very tired as she left popular night spot [Bardot], stumbling on her way out. Ashlee’s friend helped the star out as she clambered into their car, making sure she kept Ashlee’s skirt under control so she didn’t suffer an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction.

Boy, I sure wish I’d had my own personal leg closer back in college. It probably would’ve saved me a case of chlamydia and a couple of bastard children. Toss in professional hair-holder-backer/turn-her-on-her-side-so-she-doesn’t-aspirate-her-own-vomiter and I’d have been practically invincible freshman year.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Ashlee Simpson showed up at the “Power of Leather” event in Times Square this week Botoxed beyond belief and with a lip full of Juvederm. One of the side effects of that much Botox is the unfortunate “drooping eyes,” (example here), and Ashlee’s got it bad. She needs to be careful with that stuff. I bet it’s hard to lipsync convincingly when you can’t move a muscle in your face.

With husband Pete Wentz:

On Tuesday, while Ashlee Simpson posted a photo of four-month-old Bronx Mowgli on Twitter, husband Pete Wentz was in Vegas getting drunk with a bunch of strippers. According to Star Magazine

The Fall Out Boy bassist — who was without his wife of nearly one year — partied hard with about 50 band members, dancers and pals (including Girls Next Door star Holly Madison) following a sold-out show at the Palms Casino Resort on April 5.

“Everybody was going absolutely crazy,” an eyewitness tells Star. “People were even drunkenly playing makeshift Slip ‘n’ Slide with a mat and lubricant. And Pete was in great spirits. He was dancing and… grinding up against the dancers.”

At one point he was “dancing on a pool table with the girls,” the partygoer adds.

There has to be some mistake here. Pete’s just one of the girls. And we all know how girls are when they hang out together — waylayed by their desires and bi-curious impulses and forced to surrender themselves to naked-pillow-fights-turned-daisy-chains. If it wasn’t true, they wouldn’t have put it on the internet.

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson posted the supposed “first official picture” of new baby Bronx Mowgli on Pete’s Friends of Enemies website, along with a plea for you to donate money to several different charities… none of which are Suicide Prevention or Support for Proposition 8. Ding ding ding ding ding! That should have thrown up the first red flag for you right there. Then there isn’t even eyeliner or an ill-fitting anime t-shirt anywhere on the baby. Second flag. Yep, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me. I’m like Nancy Drew of the gossip world, if Nancy Drew had early stage liver disease and a socially crippling fear of robot overlords. And I know a fake when I see one!

Pete Wentz went into serious detail about his “amazing sex life” with wife Ashlee Simpson during an interview on the Howard Stern Show yesterday. This is usually the part where you hold my hair back while I kneel in front of the toilet. According to E! Online

He spares no detail about the first time they had sex—including the place, the mirrors and what he was thinking: “Oh, my God, you are banging the girl of your dreams. We have such a sexual chemistry,” Pete continues.

However, now that they have a 2-week-old baby, not so much. Instead, “We do other fun stuff. She’s not ready down there.” Yes, he really said “down there.”

Other fun facts about their sex life that we probably shouldn’t know—but do now—include the specifics of Ashlee’s boobs: “She’s a C, but I think with the breast milk it’s a D.” And that she’s up for anything (really, anything): “Let’s just say my wife likes me to have a good time.”

Last time I checked, “good time” didn’t mean “two hours of crying and passive anal sex with a dildo.” The correct term for that is actually “Cub Scout Camp Out.” Get it right, dummy.

Promoting Fall Out Boy’s new album ‘Folie à Deux’ and nose hair in Times Square yesterday:

Photo source: SPLASH NEWS

All aboard today’s summer supererogative, the S.S. Ashlee Simpson Pregnancy Boobies. I didn’t really think there was any way to make Asshat tolerable, but bigger boobs are certainly an improvement. Also an improvement? Cement shoes and a swift current. But there’s no sense in getting greedy, now is there? I guess I’ll take what I can get.

After months of uninterested speculation, newlyweds Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz finally confirmed that she is pregnant with their first child. BO-RING. Significantly less boring? The bee made entirely of Legos that Pete gave Ashlee as a wedding gift. According to Splash News, Pete commissioned Nathan Sawaya to create the insect sculpture because

Because it is romantic of course. In Hindu myth, Kama, the god of love, has a bow… made up of bees. In the ancient Greek world, the bee symbolized the soul. And the Roman god of love is often pictured with bees or being stung.

I made this bee for a boy who wanted to give his girl a special wedding gift. They are a fun couple as evidenced by their Alice in Wonderland themed wedding.

I figured the bee had more to do with his crying. See, in Egyptian mythology, bees grew from the tears of the sun god Ra when they landed on the desert sand. “Pete Wentz” and “tears” go together almost as well as “Pete Wentz” and “vagina,” but unfortunately, there weren’t any references to female genitalia in the ancient mythology of the bee.

Looks like Joe Simpson’s shameless begging paid off — despite their recent split, Tony Romo was on hand to escort maid of honor Jessica Simpson down the aisle at little sister Ashlee’s wedding this weekend. People Magazine says

Simpson and her NFL-star beau were spotted together Friday… during Ashlee’s rehearsal dinner, held at Jessica’s Beverly Hills home. “They were very cozy and cute together,” said a source close to the couple. “She was in an amazing mood and so happy her sister was getting married.”

As for Saturday’s wedding and Alice In Wonderland-themed reception, Romo [and Jessica] “were kissing and holding hands throughout the night. He was very sweet to her. They were very much a couple.”

Joe Simpson likes to fancy himself as some kind of clever pirate, commandeering his daughter’s lives and steering them toward his own fiscal success. The reality is he’s like a retarded puppeteer who mostly uses his sock puppets for jerking off and keeping his hand cool while he shoots himself in the foot.

Ashlee Simpson is all set to get married to boyfriend Pete Wentz this weekend. Squeal! Us Weekly says

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a “top secret” location. “Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice.” On Saturday, “all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location.”

In lieu of cash, you could probably just send the happy couple boxes of tampons and Lady Bics. You know, something they can both use for years to come!

Ashlee with friends in L.A. on Sunday: