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Ashley Greene

This is how you do the asymmetrical trend wrong. The dress makes it look like Ashley Greene’s head is on crooked, or like she put her head through the arm hole and didn’t realize it. But you can’t just blame Pierre Balmain for this. Fingers should also probably be pointed at her colorist.

Style

The Metropolitan Museum of Art hosted its annual Costume Institute Gala Benefit last night, and this year’s theme was “PUNK: Chaos to Couture.” Or as I like to call it, “Posers on Parade.” You should have no problem finding their queen. She’s wearing the traditional plumed mohawk headpiece and everything.

Check out the rest of this year’s worst-dressed in the gallery above!

Beauty

Between Hurricane Sandy and Octomom, I feel like I owe you an apology for yesterday. So here it is, in Ashely Greene form. Believe me, no one’s more disappointed in me right now than me. I’m going to go up to my room now and think about what I’ve done. And also probably do some bong hits and maybe call my ex-boyfriend a bunch of times and hang up. BRB.

Get Ashley’s vintage halter bikini look with this bikini from Tommy Bahama.

Ashley Greene is a beautiful girl, so I don’t know why Marie Claire would make her pose like she’s got an impacted bowel and then photoshop her face into a Venetian mask. She’s got all the warmth and expression of a department-store mannequin. Or an ice sculpture. Or Nicole Kidman.

Get a brightly colored leather blazer here from Free People.

Ashley Greene always looks so elegant and refined. I can totally see why she was cast as Jackie O in that new Kennedy biopic. She’d also make a good Patella in Venusian Vampire Vixens, my new original screenplay about these vixens from Venus who — wait for it! — are also vampires. I’m currently hand-writing it out on the backs of the notices the sheriff taped to the door informing me that she’d taken out a restraining order against me. That way she’ll know who it’s from.

Ashley’s wearing a Michael Kors dress and Giuseppe Zanotti platform peep-toe pumps, but it you don’t have five grand to blow on an outfit, there’s a Moschino version of her dress here and just-as-pretty-but-half-the-price House of Harlow pumps here.

Arriving to Jimmy Kimmel Live yesterday:

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News

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