The December issue of Maxim is finally on the newsstands, so here are the first round of shitty low-res scans of Ashley Greene’s inside pictorial. Ooh, speaking of Ashley Greene, that reminds me — what’s the difference between a girl who stars in Twilight and a girl buying tickets to see Twilight? About forty pounds and a couple of boxes of Manic Panic. Zing!

“Twilight’s” Ashley Greene has two different covers for the December issue of Maxim. I guess it’s some kind of marketing ploy to get you to buy two copies of the same magazine, but I’m not sure the the public is going to go for that kind of fuckery in today’s economy. Unless one of the covers is scratch-and-sniff and the other one is 3-D and topographically correct, I ain’t buyin’. Masturbation isn’t an art; it’s a science! And I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to pay for science. I’ll save that for the hippie liberals and their left-wing agenda.

Putting the “tight” in Twilight over the last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

These pictures of Twilight’s Ashley Greene are like a year old, but all the other cool kids are putting them up, so far be it from me not to follow suit. Besides, lots of things get better as they get older. These pictures might have been aged in an oak barrel in an underground cellar in France for the last 12 months for all I know. I’m pretty sure I could charge you extra for that.

I was out of town visiting my redneck family over the weekend (thanks to Sonya and Sarah for covering for me these past few days!), and while I was downloading these pictures of Twilight’s Ashley Greene naked, my uncle peered over my shoulder and said, “Woo-wee! Looks like somebody done caught herself a case of the nekkids!” And I thought to myself, “Can I say it any better than that?” The answer is no. No, I can’t. My uncle’s like the fucking Poet Laureate of Appalachia. So take off your hat and show some respect in the presence of greatness, bitches!

UNSEXY UDPDATE: So lawyers are real boner-killers.

This is Ashley Greene at the Rock & Republic Robertson store opening.  Ashley Greene is in those Twilight movies, where she plays Alice Cullen.  Twilight sucks hard like a Dyson vacuum, but you know what doesn’t suck?  Cleavage.  Everybody loves breasts, right?  Right.

I do have one question, though.  Why is Ashley having so much trouble just standing still?  Why the hell are all these Twilight chicks so damn clumsy and awkward looking?  When they’re in dirty jeans, Chuck Taylors & sloppy hoodies they do an okay job of keeping themselves upright, but stick ‘em in a dress and a pair of heels and all of a sudden they’re like giraffes with fetal alcohol syndrome.  How is it possible that every one of these bitches always looks like she’s about to tip the fuck over?  They can’t all be stoners, can they?  Listen, there’s nothing wrong with smoking up once in awhile, but there is a TIME and a PLACE for rendering yourself the mental equivalent of a squirrel after a frontal lobotomy, and public appearances for YOUR JOB are not it.

Whatever.  Boobs:

Ashley Greene is still a nobody until that stupid Twilight movie comes out on November 21st, so naturally, here she is slutting it up as hard as she can without actually removing any of her clothing in Maxim.  I would make fun of her in other ways, but I don’t know a single other thing about her and I seriously can’t be bothered to find out.  In one week these horrible Twilight people are going to be everywhere and they probably won’t shut up even if their lives depend on it, so I suggest you just enjoy little Alice Cullen here while she’s not talking.