I was scanning the headlines this morning for celebrity DUI’s and upskirts and happened across this super-disturbing story about a three-year-old boy (photo here) who “absorbed” his partially-developed twin brother in utero — and still has the fetus in his abdomen. The twin apparently had eyes and hair and bones, but no organs. It’s like a goddamn Stephen King book or something. The Daily Mail says:

Surgeons were today preparing to operate on a three-year-old boy to remove the body of a ‘parasitic twin’ growing inside his stomach.

Isbac Pacunda was left with the rare condition after absorbing his would-be sibling inside the womb.

Doctors in Peru say the partially formed fetus has eyes, bones and hair on the cranium, but did not develop a brain, lungs, heart or intestines.

It weighs a pound and a half and is nine inches long.

A neonatologist at Rainbow Babies and Children’s Hospital in Cleveland said conjoined twins [cannot survive] when one twin absorbs the other.

Thinking that there could be an undead sibling lodged inside you is terrifying. Of course, it’s terrifying any time you find a lump somewhere on your body, but I’d still rather it’d be a cancerous tumor than what’s left of my organ-less twin sister. They only thing that can shake off that kind of creepy is more sexy outtakes from Ashley Greene’s Men’s Fitness photo shoot. Luckily, I came prepared.

It was rumored that “Pan Am” was already given the ax because it sucks and nobody watched it, but ABC says it still plans to continue it for another season. You have Ashley Greene’s hotness to thank for those additional 10 episodes, because it was the only reason that crappy show made it past the pilot. And don’t think she doesn’t know it, either. Radar Online says:

“Ashley came rolling on to the [Pan Am] set acting like a queen bee,” an insider [said].

“She was stuck-up with the crew and acted like appearing on TV amounted to slumming. She referred to herself as a ‘real movie star,’ and said she was sure her guest stint would boost ratings.”

The 24-year-old actress was [also] completely cold to her costars.

“Ashley didn’t want to socialize with Christina Ricci or Kelli Garner, the stars of the show,” the source says. “They had organized a welcome lunch for Ashley, but she blew them off. That was extremely off-putting to everyone.”

You can’t look like she does and not be a bitch. The world is her fucking oyster, man. If I looked like that, the only acknowledgement you’d ever get from me is maybe a fart in your general direction. I wouldn’t even make eye contact.

Outtakes from her photo shoot for Men’s Fitness:

Ashley Greene looks absolutely smokin’ hot on the cover of the December issue of Mexican Esquire. Ha ha… Mexican Esquire. This shit almost writes itself sometimes. Mexican Esquire must be where you go once you’ve been passed over by Haitian Vanity Fair and GQ Estonia.

According to Gerard Depardieu, that little incident where he pissed in the aisle of an airplane wasn’t his fault. He claims that he has prostate problems and so, you see, HAD to whip out his dick in front of everyone and pee. Says TMZ,

Gerard Depardieu is finally explaining why he peed on the floor of an Air France plane this week … blaming the whole thing on prostate issues … but insisting he “offered to clean up the mess.”

Gerard’s traveling companion on the flight, Edouard Baer, has released a statement on Depardieu’s behalf, saying, “[Gerard] has prostate problems and it was very worrying and humiliating for him.”

Baer claims he gave Gerard a bottle to pee in while the two were on the plane … but the bottle quickly overflowed …and when the flight attendant refused to let the actor use the lavatory because the crew was preparing for take-off, Gerard decided to finish on the floor.

The rep insists Gerard is “upset” about the situation — adding, “He was also stone-cold sober at the time. This is not the way he usually behaves.”

Last time I checked,  you normally have a hard time getting any pee to come out when you’re having prostate problems, not an overproduction of urine. If he had just admitted, “Hey, what can I say? I am French, zis is zee way I bee-have”, then everyone would just had nodded their heads in understanding and not thought anything of it. You expect  a Frenchman to be rude, just like you expect them to be gigantic pussy-cowards. Goes with the territory.

It was either pictures of Ashley Greene or anatomical diagrams of an enlarged prostate. Guess which one won out?

So the Teen Choice Awards weren’t a TOTAL loss. Ashley Greene and Blake Lively both showed up. I wouldn’t kick either of them out bed for eating crackers, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Well, actually… I don’t know what that means. Does it have something to do with playing monkey-in-the-middle? I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason there would ever be chicks in bed with me.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The tags said that these pics of Ashley Greene were taken as she arrived at the Ferragamo fashion show in New York yesterday, but she just as easily could have been shooting an ad for Gillete or making a shampoo commercial. Those legs! That hair! If you ever needed a reason to cut, ladies, this is it. Bitch.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Fresh from her 7-month long period of being a beard for dating Joe Jonas, Ashley Greene has practically bulldozed into the arms of a non-gay member of the opposite sex. Says Us Magazine,

Ashley Greene didn’t exactly go into mournful hiding on Thursday, when reps confirmed her breakup from Joe Jonas.

Instead, the Twilight star, 24, celebrated St. Patrick’s Day at Phebe’s Tavern in NYC with another famous musician: Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill. (JustJared reports that the duo also hung out with Greene’s father, Joe, at the downtown pub.)

Greene (who wore holiday-appropriate skinny green jeans in the pics) Tweeted about her celebratory day, but didn’t mention her male companion.

“Good food. Good friends. Great day. Now I’m at home watching beauty and the beast haha. Super cool.” She and Followill, 24, were the subject of romance rumors in late 2009.

It probably was super cool to watch a Disney movie without Joe dithering beside her, “Oh my gawd, this is like, my favorite part! It always makes me cry”, while fanning his eyes with his hand.

They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but that’s just because hell hasn’t met a teenage girl who’s just been dumped just yet. Believe me, they’re much worse. I know. I used to be one. And despite all the rumors of bulimia and cutting and drug use, the real reason Demi Lovato is in rehab is because she threatened to kick Joe Jonas’ new girlfriend’s ass in front of like 30 people in the airport. Did I mention this was after she had already kicked her backup dancer’s ass in front of like 30 people in the airport? Awk-waaard! People Magazine says:

“When tour management found out [that she had been partying the night before], they talked to Demi,” says the source. “Demi reacted badly and perceived that someone on tour had told on her.”

When Lovato and other tour members were on an airplane that same day, Lovato confronted the young dancer, whom she thought [was] to blame for telling on her. “There was a short, physical altercation,” says the source, adding that it was “one-sided.”

And of the whoopin’ she threatened to give Ashley Greene, E! Online says:

Demi also made verbal threats to Joe’s new squeeze, Ashley Greene, who was at the airport as well and witnessed her meltdown. A second eyewitness also corroborated the confrontation between Lovato and Greene.

According to a someone close to the Lovato family, the airport altercation was the “catalyst” to Lovato deciding to “take responsibility” for her actions.

To be fair, I rarely go to the airport without getting into some kind of altercation. Post 9/11, you can’t do anything in the Delta hub without somebody with an M-16 dragging you away by your zip-tie handcuffs and tazing you until you shit your pants. Also, there’s a bar every fifteen feet. If they didn’t want you to drink, they shouldn’t have put so many of them in one place.

Sweaty Ashley Green in spandex:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

There were lots of celebrities doing the red carpet thing at the MTV Video Music Awards last night. Like “Twilight’s” Ashley Greene, who looked fantastic. She’s like some kind of sexy present in that dress. And speaking of sexy presents, my birthday is coming up, soooo… if any of you were wondering, this is exactly what I want. But I want the one with the real kung-fu grip. And also any cowgirl/sexy nurse accessories she might come with.

TONS more red carpet pics after the jump:

Katy Perry:

Ke$ha:

Lady Gaga:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

(more…)

Ashley Greene and Miley Cyrus got all wet and wild in Paris today while filming their new movie “LOL” (I guess S-H-I-T had one too many letters). You’ll note that French people are way cooler about people splashing around in their fountains than mall security are. Maybe it’s because none of them had also vomited and shit themselves.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Miley Cyrus broke out some serious dance moves with Ashley Greene at the VIP Room in Paris, France this weekend. Like “The Marionette,” as seen above. Finally, a move both 18th century puppet masters and victims of cerebral palsy can embrace! It’s just a shame it took this long for them to find a common ground.

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PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Joe Jonas continues to make headway with his “I’m Joe Jonas, and I’m Heterosexual” campaign, this time by being conspicuously photographed with Twilight actress Ashley Greene. The Daily Mail says:

The couple were spotted leaving Greene’s LA apartment yesterday morning, doing a spot of shopping at a nearby mall and grabbing a cup of coffee together.

Greene, 23, and Jonas, 20, were first linked last month after they dined together at The Ivy in London and also attended a Kings Of Leon gig together.

Despite their string of dates in recent weeks, friends of the stars claim they are ‘just friends.’

Well, one thing’s for sure — that whole “Joe Jonas purity ring thing” was absolute genius on the part of his PR people. It provides a legitimate excuse for accessorizing and for not touching her vagina, all in one fell swoop. Leave it to those fuckers at Disney to find a legal loophole around a good fag joke.