Joe Jonas continues to make headway with his “I’m Joe Jonas, and I’m Heterosexual” campaign, this time by being conspicuously photographed with Twilight actress Ashley Greene. The Daily Mail says:

The couple were spotted leaving Greene’s LA apartment yesterday morning, doing a spot of shopping at a nearby mall and grabbing a cup of coffee together.

Greene, 23, and Jonas, 20, were first linked last month after they dined together at The Ivy in London and also attended a Kings Of Leon gig together.

Despite their string of dates in recent weeks, friends of the stars claim they are ‘just friends.’

Well, one thing’s for sure — that whole “Joe Jonas purity ring thing” was absolute genius on the part of his PR people. It provides a legitimate excuse for accessorizing and for not touching her vagina, all in one fell swoop. Leave it to those fuckers at Disney to find a legal loophole around a good fag joke.

The 2010 Teen Choice Awards happened last night and will air on Fox tonight at 8pm, in case you’re into wasting your time. Having awards handed out by teens means that shitty movies like The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, and Jennifer’s Body get picked. If you’re interested in how many awards Justin Bieber got, and other reasons you should weep for the future generation, you can check out the whole awards list here. It being the Teen Choice Awards also means that there were a lot of people I have never heard of, but here’s some that I do recognize:

Kristen Bell:

Cat Deeley is a freaking giraffe and I wouldn’t even reach her shoulders:

I had no idea who Destinee & Paris were, so I looked them up and Wikipedia describes them as: “Destinee & Paris (formerly known as Clique Girlz and Clique) are an American girl group consisting of sisters Destinee and Paris Monroe.” I think I just died a little inside. Plastic girl on the left seems to have shiny boobs and is possibly wearing a body stocking.

(more…)

Lindsay Lohan has been in jail for only a week, but she’s missing her family.  Boo. Hoo. Says Digital Spy,

Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley has said that the actress misses her family while behind bars.

The 24-year-old is currently serving two weeks of a 90-day sentence at the Century Regional Detention Facility in California.

However, she was barred from seeing family and friends last weekend because of a limit on the number of visitors allowed by the prison.

“It was hard for her not to see her family over the weekend,” Holley told People.

“She obviously wants to see her family.”

Holley added that she hoped to have Lohan out of jail by the end of this week.

“We hope to know something soon,” she said.

And by family, she means Daddy Coke, Mom Vodka and Brother Random Cock. You could probably throw in a little Aunt Pussy in there as well.

Here’s pictures of Ashley Greene leaving the gym, because orange jumpsuits aren’t flattering on anyone:

Twilight’s Ashley Greene looks super-hot in this new photo shoot for Jack magazine, and I think we can all agree — never in the history of the printed word has there been a more aptly named periodical. Not counting the short-lived “FAP Monthly” and last year’s “Beat Your Meat Times,” of course. They were in a league all of their own.

These are the pics of Ashley Greene that didn’t make the cut for December issue of Maxim magazine. Something else that didn’t make the cut? Harry Potter’s wiener! Get it? You know, because he’s uncircumcised? Ha ha! Yeah, I don’t know why I even try anymore.

Marie Claire succeeds in making the only hot piece of Twilight ass look as androgynous as possible in their next month’s issue. FAIL. Look, if I wanted to see some eunuch stare soulfully into space, I’d go punch a Jonas brother in the breadbasket when he wasn’t looking. And once was quite enough for that, thank you very much. Apparently, bodyguards are legally allowed to carry tasers now.

Ashley Greene in the March 2010 issue:

Ashley Greene is everywhere lately because ain’t no escaping any o’ them Twilight fools, but at least she’s better than Kristen Stewart.  Ashley doesn’t incessantly bite her lip like she’s trying to eat her own face from the inside out, and she also generally looks like she washes her hair at least once a week.  More importantly, Ashley has been slutting it up as hard as she can recently, which makes my job easier because you pervs are insatiable and it’s winter and the only other ladies flitting around half naked today are Victoria Silvstedt, who is an actual whore (as in literally a prostitute) and Rachel Zoe, who looks like she’s been dead since about 2006.

More photos from Ashley Greene’s “skinsuit” body paint shoot for SoBe Life Water, which will be featured in the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (you can see a video of the shoot here):

This is Ashley Greene in a body paint “skinsuit” on the Turks and Caicos islands for a new SoBe commercial.  Photos from the shoot will appear in the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

The 22-year-old actress modeled two of make-up artist Joanne Gair’s hand-painted SoBe skinsuits which were inspired by the new, exotic SoBe Lifewater 0 calorie flavors — Cherimoya Punch and Strawberry Dragonfruit. The skinsuits take their design cues from the SoBe bottles – from the painted scales right down to SoBe’s signature lizard.

Ashley shared, “Being a part of the SoBe skinsuit shoot in the Turks and Caicos was amazing. It took the artist 12 hours to paint the SoBe scales on each skinsuit, but it was totally worth it. It’s an experience I’ll never forget.”

Oh and hey, if you like half-naked ladies and gambling (and who doesn’t?) you can enter SoBe’s “Zero Calories, Zero Inhibitions Vegas Sweepstakes” which runs from now until Friday, January 29 on SoBe.com. One winner and three friends will receive tickets to the invite-only 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition launch in Las Vegas.

Ashley Greene (of the Twilight movies) went to a New Year’s party, and somehow the personal photos she took at the party ended up on the webernets.  Maybe because she’s an attention whore and she leaked them herself, or maybe one of her friends is a moneygrubbing backstabber who sold them, or JUST MAYBE it’s because you were a very good camper all last year and Santa brought you a belated surprise.  I guess Santa’s kind of a prude, though, because these pictures are really tame.  Or maybe Ashley learned her lesson after the last time some of her pictures got leaked, and now she keeps her clothes on.  I bet she even takes baths in footie pajamas.

The December issue of Maxim is finally on the newsstands, so here are the first round of shitty low-res scans of Ashley Greene’s inside pictorial. Ooh, speaking of Ashley Greene, that reminds me — what’s the difference between a girl who stars in Twilight and a girl buying tickets to see Twilight? About forty pounds and a couple of boxes of Manic Panic. Zing!

“Twilight’s” Ashley Greene has two different covers for the December issue of Maxim. I guess it’s some kind of marketing ploy to get you to buy two copies of the same magazine, but I’m not sure the the public is going to go for that kind of fuckery in today’s economy. Unless one of the covers is scratch-and-sniff and the other one is 3-D and topographically correct, I ain’t buyin’. Masturbation isn’t an art; it’s a science! And I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to pay for science. I’ll save that for the hippie liberals and their left-wing agenda.

Putting the “tight” in Twilight over the last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

These pictures of Twilight’s Ashley Greene are like a year old, but all the other cool kids are putting them up, so far be it from me not to follow suit. Besides, lots of things get better as they get older. These pictures might have been aged in an oak barrel in an underground cellar in France for the last 12 months for all I know. I’m pretty sure I could charge you extra for that.