I was starting to actually like Justin Timberlake here lately, so I was relieved to find out that he’s been seen cavorting around town with Ashley Olsen so I could go back to hating him again. It’s what I do best. Us Magazine says:

One insider close to the pair (spotted together at the Greenwich Hotel, a Saturday Night Live afterparty, two Broadway shows and a polo match outside the city) [says]: “They are hooking up.”

Adds another source of the unexpected twosome, “They’re really trying to keep it on the down-low.”

Ashley Olsen is always dressed like someone who should be carrying around magic beans and leading a goat around town by the nose. Unless Justin Timberlake needs a hen that lays golden eggs and a sack of gold coins, he has no business dating someone this unattractive.

The last time I saw someone dressed like this, she was sitting on the steps of St. Paul’s Cathedral,  covered by pigeons and saying, “Feed the birds, tuppence a bag.”

Crazy bird ladies Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen at the premiere of “The Union”:

She of the perpetually-pursed lips Mary-Kate Olsen says she and sister Ashley had hard-knock lives as little tykes. CelebrityFix says,

Former child star Mary-Kate Olsen has talked about her tough showbiz upbringing, describing herself and her twin sister as “little monkey performers”.

The Olsen twin grew up in front of the cameras alongside her famous sister Ashley, and she now admits it was sometimes tough.

The 24-year-old told US Marie Claire magazine, “I look at old photos of me, and I don’t feel connected to them at all… I would never wish my upbringing on anyone.”

“But I wouldn’t take it back for the world,” she added.

Mary Kate also revealed that her sister helps her to deal with her fast-paced lifestyle, acting and running their fashion house, The Row, in New York.

“Sometimes Ash and I have to bring each other back, or push each other more,” she said.

“It’s really helpful to have another half; we’re constantly checking in with each other.”

Of course you wouldn’t take it back, silly. You can beat me over the head with a stick, put a vest and fez on me and yell, “Dance, monkey, dance!”, but as long as I’ve got multiple twins of Benjamins, it’s all good. It’s all good.

Back in June at the CFDA Fashion Awards. Don’t ask me to tell you who’s who:

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen always manage to dress 40 years older than they really are. The Twin on The Right (who knows who’s who?) looks like she skinned a black Wookiee, and the one on the left made nice use of plaited Christmas wrap for her jacket. They’re always so freaking somber, too. They must have the personality of a dish of lukewarm vanilla pudding.

At the premiere of Nine:

Not only does Ashley Olsen think her shit don’t stank — she also thinks it won’t make you sick, either. According to Page Six

Ashley Olsen [left] the bathroom at Regal Cinema in Union Square without washing her hands after seeing “Revolutionary Road.”

E. coli bows to no man, people. E. coli doesn’t care if you’re a “celebrity.” E. coli doesn’t care that you once boned the bassist from Sugar Ray in alcohol-and-ecstasy filled stupor in Amarillo in 1998, which you know for a fact actually did happen because one of your friends found the footage on the internet and put it on their MySpace. Oh, no. All E. coli cares about is your asshole and finding the quickest way to get there. Much like the bassist from Sugar Ray in 1998.

At the opening of the new “Mango” store in SoHo:

Dozens of female celebrities and actresses — from the Olsen Twins to supermodel Cindy Crawford — get almost-naked in photographer Timothy White’s new book “Hollywood Pinups” ($39.95, Collins Design). Actress Angie Harmon, seen above, gets the most naked of all, but not just because naked hot chicks are awesome. The collection of naughty photos is actually a charitable endeavor — 100% of the proceeds go to fight global poverty. And, it seems, to aid those without an impetus to masturbate. Statistics indicate it’s the biggest problem currently facing males age 14-73 in our nation today! Won’t you do your part and get naked, too? I say it’s time to stop being part of the problem and start becoming part of the solution, ladies!

Lindsay Lohan didn’t like Ashley Olsen chatting up her lesbian gal pal Samantha Ronson at that Hawaiian Tropic Zone gig this past Saturday. According to Page Six

“Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, ‘Get your 15-year-old ‘Full House’ ass away from my girlfriend.’”

That’s the worst “Full House” burn I’ve ever heard. If you really want your Full House insult to sting, you need to incorporate characters from the show, like “Quit being such a Saggot” or “I wouldn’t fuck you with Uncle Joey’s dick.” BURRRN, baby!

If Pete Doherty’s nipples didn’t melt your panties earlier, ladies, allow me to present a little hot tongue-on-tongue Jared Leto/Ashely Olsen action. Us Weekly says

Ashley Olsen, 21, and Jared Leto, 36 — who dated briefly in 2005 — turned heads while holding hands at the Art of Elysium gala in L.A. on Jan. 12. “They looked like a couple and they were making out,” a witness tells Us.

Think “Ethran, warlock of the Coven of Rasehmen” sucking face with a 45-year old diabetic meth addict turned truck stop prostitute. Then punch yourself in the stomach a couple of times, shove a trout in your mouth and finish up with a thorough dusting cigarette butts and eyeliner. It’s pretty much the same thing as making out with the two of them, only minus the pussy emo soundtrack and the dead animal skins.

Ashely doing a little Sabbat shopping with the coven last month:

PETA has devoted an entire website to bashing the Olsen twins — cleverly deemed “Hairy-Kate” and “Trashley” Trollsen — for wearing fur. And because a whole website wasn’t enough, their “Trollsen” MySpace begins

Hi, we’re Hairy Kate and Trashley Trollsen, and like most trolls, we live under a bridge and wait for furry animals to walk by so we can skin them and wear them as hats. Because we’re celebrities, we don’t have to live by the same rules that ugly people like you do, and if we want to wrap ourselves up in someone else’s skin, or drape our bodies in the rotting remains of someone’s family, we totally can! And boy, do we ever.”

PETA’s other ideas included writing rhyming insults on Mary-Kate’s locker and tripping Ashley in the cafeteria after study hall. But Plan B was still pretty good, too!

Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Renaud Corlouer photoshoot:

I’m not sure what’s going on here. I think Ashley Olsen is about to pee standing up. Or else she’s trying to be sexy. In the same way that Fergie singing about her humps is sexy or getting kicked in the balls is sexy. Or that could be an anorexic Max Headroom having trouble pinching a loaf. It’s hard to tell from far away.

More of the “sexy” show after the jump.

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