It’s like my mom always said — subtlety is for pussies. That’s why you should always remove your g-string using only the heel of your lucite platforms and take lots of bird’s-eye pictures of your own tits and post them on the internet. Coco: because waving a red flag in front of your vagina is just a little too cerebral!

Katie Holmes sported the world’s most unflattering pair of denim shorts on the set of her new straight-to-DVD movie “The Romantics.” Really, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a severe case of White Man’s Ass. It looks like her buttocks were pounded out using the broad side of a snow shovel.

With “True Blood’s” Anna Paquin yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

It usually takes billions of gallons of water and hundreds of thousands of years to form a crevasse as broad and deep Kim Kardashian’s ass crack, but she somehow managed it in just 29 years. Amazing, isn’t it? She’s like a real life Grand Canyon! With the right equipment, you could probably go spelunking in there. I bet she charges extra for that.

Leaving Brittany Gastineau’s birthday party this weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jennifer Love Hewitt has jumped on the pole dancing class bandwagon, seen here leaving the Sheila Kelley S Factor class in Encino, CA.  It really seems to be the new trend, doesn’t it? But I was doing it way back in elementary school when I discovered they had installed one in the new playground. I never could figure out what the big fuss was.  If my little boy classmates wanted to spend their lunch money on me, that was their problem, not mine.  School principals are so narrow-minded. They called it “indecent and a disgrace to our fine institution”, I called it crushing my entrepreneurial spirit. Bastards!

Mischa Barton and some little friend of hers were walking to the Bowery Hotel yesterday, and Mischa was… well, she was certainly filling out her dress.  She busted one of her ass seams:

I don’t get Mischa Barton.  She’s certainly not fat, but she’s not very well toned and she picks out the world’s most unflattering outfits.  She’s got great bone structure, but her hair’s a damn mess and she spackles her eyes like she’s a blind crack whore.  I just don’t get it.  But whatever it is, she’s outta the psych ward now so I want her to knock it off and try harder.

Prince Albert is old and bald and boring (he’s the one in the middle, in the black shirt) so nobody gives a shit about him.  But he’s technically a celebrity because he’s royalty, and he went to some beach volleyball thing, so he’s kindly providing a really convenient excuse to post this picture of a volleyball playin’ lady with her ass hangin’ out.  You pervs owe Prince Albert a thank you.

Sharon Stone gave the paps a little up-skirtage while vacationing in Sardinia this week. Although I’m not sure if it technically qualifies as an “upskirt” since she’s the one doing it to herself. Not to mention that there’s bathing suit underneath. And she’s 51. And scratching her ass. By my calculations, that’s at least four cases for disqualification right there.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin

The always-delightful Coco Austin put up the above pictures of the stunning ensemble she wore to an “event” in Maryland over the past weekend. I don’t know what kind of event it was per se, but I’m guessing something really regal and dignified, like high tea with a real-life archduke and duchess. Or maybe a Big-Bootied Bitches Butt-Banging Bounce-Off. Coco: because you can’t spell “classy” without “ass!”

In Smooth Magazine:

A friend of mine recently introduced me to her boyfriend, and when he asked me what I did for a living, I replied, “It’s hard to describe, really… kind of a tasteful melange of social satire… you might call it a ‘provocative commentary’ on the dynamics of the culture of celebrity.” And then she said, “She puts up pictures of famous people’s tits all day.” Well, fuck her. I also put up pictures of famous people’s asses. Seriously, why do some people have to make things so one-dimensional sometimes? Jerks.

Ali Larter picking up change in a short dress and falling victim to the monological imperative:

It’s good to know that if “Entourage” ever gets canceled, Adrien Grenier can always find a job saving you hundred of dollars on car insurance. GEICO: so easy a caveman can do it!

Nice crack goatee, Sasquatch:

I don’t want to go pointing fingers here, but I’m pretty sure Droopy could sue Kate Gosselin’s ass for copyright infringement. That’s a blatant ripoff right there.

Vampire shitfest “Twilight” took home five awards at the MTV Movie Awards last night while “Slumdog Millionaire” walked away empty-handed, confirming everyone’s suspicion that the next generation is full idiot twats that could benefit from a good tear-gassing. But despite the lack of mass-released lachrymatory agents, the show was still salvaged by “Bruno” actor Sacha Baron Cohen’s descent from on high ass-first into rapper Eminem’s unsuspecting face. Us Weekly says

Dressed in white wings and feathers and suspended by cables, he flew around the Gibson Amphitheatre [and] happened to land on Eminem, with his bare buttocks in the rapper’s face.

A visibly upset Eminem yelped. “Get the [fuck] off me!”

“Nice to meet you,” Cohen replied.

Eminem’s bodyguards then proceeded to pull Cohen off the rapper.

“Hey, don’t touch me! I’ve already got a boyfriend!” he yelled.

Once Cohen was off Eminem, the rapper jumped up and stormed out of the theater with his bodyguards.

Ooh, I bet that’s just like what the apostles saw when Jesus ascended into heaven. Except, you know, with more taint and freshly-waxed ball sack.