I don’t like Kelly Brook’s new blonde hair or her huge Linda Richman glasses or her ugly crochet swimsuit, but she’s still in a bikini. It’s really the best thing that’s happened all damn day.

In Rio last week:

The only person who takes more pictures of Lindsay Lohan than the L.A. central booking is Terry Richardson (here, here and leering behind her like a child molester on a bender here), and that’s only because he’s a notorious pervert who gets off on taking pictures of girls’ tits, and showing her tits is the only thing Lindsay’s good for these days. It’s a match made in crippling daddy issues/sexual predator heaven.

It’s usually Sofia Vergara’s rack that gets all the attention, but I’d like to point out that she also has a magnificent derrière. Mostly because I just wanted to say “derrière.”

In an earlier post, I may have insinuated that Rihanna was a bit of an attention-whore. I was wrong. She’s actually a huge attention-whore. I’m glad we finally got a chance to clear that up.

In Hawaii with her friends (via Twitter):

Funny thing is, that’s technically a one-piece, meaning I could’ve worn Rihanna’s swimsuit during mixed bathing at Bible camp. You know, if I didn’t have to wear a long-sleeved shirt and a wide-brimmed hat to keep my psoarisis from flaring up in the sun.

Photographer Kate Orne clearly knows that subtlety is for pussies. Just like condoms and seatbelts.

Thumbs 1-7 from the Kate Orne photoshoot; thumbs 8-15 from New Look Lingerie photoshoot:

Remember those hot Latina models that spent the week frolicking around in tiny bikinis in Miami? Yeah, well, they did it again today, but this time in even smaller bikinis. So by my calculation, if trends continue as indicated, they should be completely nude by next Tuesday. Don’t worry, I’ve already cleared my calendar.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Here are some pics of Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor in a bikini in Miami. Oh, wait… on second thought, that might actually be one of the Williams sisters. It’s hard to tell from that angle.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I had  choice of posting high-quality pictures of Miley Cyrus in a bikini, or these blurry pictures of Kate Beckinsale in a bikini. I went with my gut and picked Kate. And by “gut”, I mean “the one that didn’t have Chiclets for teeth and a touch of the ‘tard”.  I think I can say with assurance that I did the right thing.

They’re only blurry because I was panting on the lens:

Since those (now removed) nude photos of Scarlett Johansson were leaked Wednesday, her camp has been on the war-path to have the culprit tracked down and prosecuted, and have called the FBI in on the hunt. Says TMZ,

The scofflaws who hacked Scarlett Johansson’s cell phone … and then leaked several nude pics — are in the crosshairs of the FBI, and we’re told the Feds already know the identity of the main culprit.

TMZ broke the story … Scarlett contacted the FBI yesterday after the pics — one which features her bare breasts and another showcasing her behind — were leaked to several websites.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the FBI is “honing in” on the group of hackers and know the identity of at least one of them — and we’re told it’s the ringleader.

Our sources say the hackers have done their dirty work on the cell phones of other celebs, including Vanessa Hudgens, Jessica Alba, Lindsey Vonn, Ali Larter and Emma Caulfield.

It’s nice to know that the FBI is there to protect us from the terrifying threat of boobies. Now I can sleep peacefully at night knowing I’m not going to be pummeled in my sleep by a devious set of breasts. Actually, I’m not worried about that happening, it’s more like hoping.

With Taiwanese actress Shu Qi at a Moët & Chandon event in Shanghai:

Scarlett Johansson’s cell phone was hacked back in March, and there were rumors nekkid pictures were forthcoming. Well, here they are. Enjoy Scarlett’s nipples and ass crack for the next .05 seconds, which is how long it will take before her lawyers threaten to break my kneecaps and make me take them down.

UPDATE: The fuzz got to us, so we had to take the pictures down.

If I had an ass like Paz Vega’s, I’d never fucking wear pants. And I’d enter every room ass-first. I’d decorate it with Christmas lights and oil it three times a day and charge people a dollar to make a wish on it. The rest of the time I’d just stand in front of a mirror admiring it from different angles.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures