Remember when Perez Hilton got punched right in his big fat puss at the Much Music Awards earlier this week? Remember how he called Will. I. Am “faggot” and “motherfucking liar” and swore up and down that it was Will. I. Am who assaulted him? Yeah, not so much. Turns out the man who struck Perez was Will. I. Am’s road manager Polo Molina, and now Perez is filing a civil lawsuit against him. TMZ says

Hilton is suing Polo Molina for battery and an intentional infliction of emotional distress. The suit wants payback in excess of $25,000.

Hilton’s attorney released the following statement:

“Perez Hilton files this lawsuit to protect his freedom of speech and seeks legal redress against those who have physically assaulted him because they do not like his review of their album. Whether you love Perez or hate him, he is entitled to his freedom of speech without fear of physical violence. This lawsuit will make the statement that violence is never the answer.”

And now, Perez is apologizing — not to the man he wrongly accused of assault; not to the woman he called a “fugly bitch” and on whom he routinely draws wieners; not to GLAAAD for his using of a homophobic slur; not to Isaiah Washington for publicly campaigning for his termination from “Grey’s Anatomy” for having said the word “faggot;” and not to Jesse Metcalfe for writing that Metcalfe deserved the beating he got outside a Hollywood night club last year — but to himself, for being such a poor helpless victim. He writes on his site:

I am speaking out because I realize that the last few days have been more hurtful to me - and many others - than the repeated blows I suffered to my head in Toronto this past weekend.

I am sorry that any good work I have done for promoting equality may be tainted by me reclaiming a hurtful word - that’s been personally used against me and the gay community - to hurt someone that was verbally attacking me. It was stupid.

The “F” word will never be uttered from my lips again. I challenge [others] to remove it from their vocabulary as well.

I should have been the bigger man and walked away from an unfortunate situation. Instead, I chose… to stand up for myself and only made things worse by how I - under pressure, anger and extreme emotion - handled the situation.

I am NOT apologizing to GLAAD. I could care less about them, my former employers.

I am apologizing to the gay community and to all the people who have ever emailed me to thank me for all that I have done to fight for gay rights over the last few years.

I will be donating any money collected from my lawsuit against Polo Molina, road manager for the Black Eyed Peas, to the Matthew Shepard Foundation.

And I will continue to speak out for equality and support the great work done by LGBT organizations, such as LAMBDA Legal and HRC.

Sincerely,
Perez

I really think the cab driver in “Old School” said it best: “I recommend you stop being such a faggot.” It’s the very same advice I gave my kid when I dropped him off at summer camp.

Good news for all my Jack Bauer fans out there — Kiefer Sutherland won’t be going to jail for assaulting Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough at the Met’s Costume Institute Gala Tuesday night, even though he’s currently on probation stemming from his 2007 DUI arrest. According to the NY Daily News

Sutherland will be charged with third-degree assault for the attack on designer Jack McCollough [and] will be issued a desk appearance ticket for the misdemeanor - meaning he won’t be jailed and will be free to travel before he’s arraigned.

Jail, no jail — whatever. I don’t think any of that really matters. What’s important here is that I would let Jack Bauer pound my ass like a Chinaman laying railroad ties. The end.

More hot Jack Bauer goodness:

Victoria Principal, the woman who played Pamela Ewing on the hit TV show Dallas, is being sued for assault, false imprisonment and emotional distress by her former maid, Maribel Banegas. TMZ says

Banegas claims she had taken the dog for a walk — when she returned home to an enraged Victoria who couldn’t understand why it took so long.

Banegas explained the dog wouldn’t poop, but Victoria wasn’t [satisfied]… and fired Maribel on the spot. Maribel asked for her final check and Victoria went upstairs, allegedly only to come down with a gun, “which she then pointed and aimed” at the maid.

Victoria “verbally threatened to kill plaintiff”… and asked another housekeeper who was present “to stand aside in order that she could kill the plaintiff.”

Expect Victoria to countersue when it’s revealed next season that the whole maid incident, like Bobby Ewing’s death, had just been a dream.

UPDATE: TMZ is saying that Victoria Principal has filed a counter lawsuit, admitting she did pull a gun on her former maid, but only after the maid flew into a rage and “struck and injured another maid in the house, [kidnapped] Victoria’s small dog and [demanded] money.” I can’t prove it, but if there’s anything countless hours of daytime television have taught me, it’s that Stefano DiMera is probably behind it. And also that I might have an evil twin intent on stealing my baby and raising it as her own. It happens more often than you would think.

Victoria’s Secret models Miranda Kerr and Bar Rafaeli at the Costume Institute Gala because they’re not old and disgusting:

It looks like Amy Winehouse may get her comeuppance after all — she’s been formally charged with assault for punching a fan in the face at a charity ball last year. According to the Daily Mail

Amy Winehouse has been charged with common assault after allegedly punching… dancer Sherene Flash, who had asked if she could take a photograph of her.

This is believed to be the first time Winehouse, 25, has been charged with an offense.

She has been arrested and investigated after incidents including drugs and assault claims, but police have dropped the cases.

British prosecutors must be even stupider than the ones in L.A. if this is the first time they’ve managed to actually charge Amy Winehouse with anything. For Chrissakes, there’s video of her snorting cocaine right in the middle of her goddamn concert. And then there’s that footage of her snorting it again in a London pub. And don’t let’s forget the video of her snorting ecstasy and cocaine and smoking crack during a party at her Camden flat. That’s just fucking pitiful, mates. Come on. Even Shaquille O’Neal manages to hit a free throw every sixth or seventh time at the stripe.

Heading to Shelfridges last night:

Since reconciling with Chris Brown in the days after her beating, Rihanna has in effect “gone missing.” She has not made contact with family or friends in the last two weeks, and her parents are growing increasingly worried and desperate to get in touch with her. Rihanna’s father told Us Weekly

I can’t get to her. Her mother can’t get on to her, her brother told me she changed her email. Somebody has a stranglehold on her. I’ll text the old numbers she had, and I call them. One girl answered, and she said, “This is not Robyn’s number anymore.” I asked, “Do you work for Robyn? Do you deal with Robyn?” And the girl hung up, so I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I’m lost.

[In her last text to me] she said, “Daddy, I miss you.” And that’s it. And I could not reply. I saw a number and texted back, “I miss you too.” And I didn’t get another reply from her.

This sounds an awful lot like when Katie Holmes inexplicably went missing in the weeks before she married Tom Cruise. Maybe Chris Brown isn’t just a woman-beater, but also a closet Scientologist. A Misogynist Scientologist, if you will. Statistics indicate that even “Pedophile Kitten-Rapists” and “Birthing Porn Necrophiliacs” are viewed as less repugnant.

Happier times performing in Milan before the beating:

Chris Brown chose not to enter a plea yesterday to the two felony charges stemming from his vicious beating of singer Rihanna late last month. TMZ reports

The judge granted Brown’s request to move the arraignment to April 6th. It is unclear why [he] wanted to postpone the case — possibly to conduct further investigations or possibly to strike a plea deal.

Based on our information, it seems Brown wants to avoid a trial at all costs because the picture of Rihanna taken one day after the incident — which has not been seen anywhere publicly — is unbelievable.

Every time you think this story can’t get any worse, new details in the case emerge. TMZ gave a brief synopsis of the investigating detective’s notes yesterday, but after having read the actual police report myself, I’m afraid they didn’t do it justice. Directly from the detective’s notes (picking up after Brown attempted to push her out of the car and punched her in the mouth):

Brown resumed punching Robyn F and she interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face. She then bent over at the waist placing her elbows and face near her lap and in attempt to protect her face and head from the barrage of punches being levied by Brown. Brown continued to punch Robyn F on her left arm and hands, causing her to suffer a contusion on her left triceps that was approx 2 inches in diameter and numerous contusions on her left hand. Robyn F attempted to send another text message to other personal assistant Melissa Ford. Brown snatched the cellular telephone out of her hand and threw it out of the window to an unknown street. Brown continued driving and Robyn F observed his cellular phone in his lap. She picked up the cellular phone with her left hand, and before she could make a call, he placed her in a head lock with right hand and continued to drive the vehicle with his left hand.

Brown held Robyn F close to him and bit her on her left hear. She was able to feel the vehicle swerving from right to left as Brown sped away. He stopped the vehicle in front of [address] and Robyn F turned off the car removed the key from ignition and sat on it. Brown did not know what she did with the key and began punching her in the face and arms. Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F left and right carotid arteries causing her to be unable to breath. She began to lose consciousness. She reached up with her left hand and began to attempting to gauge his eyes in attempt to flee herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and released her. While brown continued to punch her she turned around a place her back to against the passenger door. She brought her knees to her chest and placed her feet against Brown’s body and began pushing him away.

Brown continued to punch her on legs and feet causing several contusions. Robyn F began screaming for help. And Brown exited the vehicle and walked away. A resident in the neighbor heard Robyn F’s plea for help and called 911, causing a police response.

God help him if that picture does leak. See pictures of her blood spattered inside Chris’ car here.

Chris Brown was formally charged with felony assault in a Los Angeles courtroom today for his February 8th beating of girlfriend Rihanna. TMZ reports

The L.A. County District Attorney has just charged Chris Brown with felony assault and making a criminal threat, also a felony. Brown will be arraigned today at 3:30 PM in downtown LA.

Given there were allegedly visible injuries, the crime of making criminal threats is punishable by up to nine years in prison.

Incidentally, LAPD detectives’ notes from a search warrant in the case were released today, and it’s worse than you initially thought. TMZ says

According to the notes, Rihanna read a three-page text message on Brown’s phone from a woman. An argument ensued and Brown allegedly tried forcing Rihanna out of the car but couldn’t because she was wearing her seat belt.

Brown then allegedly shoved Rihanna’s head against the passenger window. When Rihanna turned to face him, Brown punched her, then continued punching her while driving.

Blood spattered all over Rihanna’s clothing and in the interior of the car. Brown allegedly told Rihanna, “I’m going to beat the [shit] out of you when we get home. You wait and see.”

Rihanna called her assistant and left a message saying, “I am on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there.”

Brown then replied, “You just did the stupidest thing ever. I’m going to kill you.”

According to the report, Brown continued to punch Rihanna, bit her on her ear, her fingers and put her in a headlock — she almost lost consciousness.

Dear God. Surely this was the first time something like this had ever happened, right? Um… not exactly. According to The National Enquirer

[Rihanna] used makeup to cover up a bruised eye last summer, and confessed to pals that 19-year-old Brown had punched her.

Asked why she stayed with him, Rihanna told her friends: “When he hurts me, he’s a beast, but then he turns into my angel!”

I don’t know who I hate more right now. Chris Brown for being a woman-beating asswipe, or Rihanna for going back to him every time. He looks like Radio’s evil twin cousin and she’s like the retarded mouse that keeps going for the cheese in spite of the electric shocks. The only way this story has a happy ending is if Evil Radio eats Mouse Rihanna and then dies from Rat-Bite Fever. The end.

Despite the fact that he did this to her face, Rihanna is now balking at pressing charges or testifying in the case against Chris Brown since she reconciled with him.  She is no longer cooperating with police, according to the Sun UK:

The 21-year-old is refusing to help with their investigation after rekindling her romance with the singer.

But detectives may still have a case against Brown, 19, and will hand their file to the Los Angeles County District Attorney later this week.

A police source said: “Rihanna says she doesn’t want to testify against him. She has had a change of heart and doesn’t want the case to proceed.

“However detectives are still building their case based on what she originally told them and accounts of witnesses.

Oh, but it gets better (if by better, you mean unfathomably worse).  Rihanna may have secretly married Chris Brown at Sean “Poof Doody” Combs’ mansion in Miami last weekend.  This is from Star, so keep in mind that there’s probably a 95% chance that it’s at least halfway made up:

…the couple had a tearful face-to-face meeting at Diddy’s $14.5 million Miami mansion, during which an emotional Chris apologized, begged for forgiveness and proposed to her on the spot.

“All she’s ever wanted was to be with him forever,” a source tells Star. “Rihanna is looking for the husband-and-two-kids deal before she turns 25. She believes in fairy tales, and she wants to live hers with Chris. She was totally up front and confessed to him, ‘I can’t live without you.’”

The pair wasted no time making Rihanna’s fairy tale come true. They even called a minister to the mansion on exclusive Star Island!

Ugh.  Okay, even if this is actually true, I refuse to talk smack about Rihanna because the psychology of the abused woman is a dark and complex web, but Jesus H. Christ on a crumpet, where the shit are her handlers?  Totally discounting the eleventy million other reasons this is a bad fucking idea, at the very least it’s an incredibly poor business decision as far as the future of her career is concerned.  The backlash started once word got out that she was even accepting his phone calls.  If she really did marry his ass, things are going to get very ugly.

Star’s “Secret Wedding” cover:

Chris Brown, whose arraignment is scheduled for tomorrow, looking chagrined and chastised in Miami, like he learned a valuable and life-changing lesson:

Apparently multiple contusions and death threats aren’t enough to keep true love apart — Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together again. According to People Magazine

The pair have reunited almost three weeks after Brown, 19, allegedly battered the singer. The on-again couple are currently spending time together at one of Sean “Diddy” Combs’s homes.

Adds a source: “While Chris is reflective and saddened about what happened, he is really happy to be with the woman he loves. They’ve reached out to each other.”

Funny story: When Chris initially “reached out” to her, Rihanna’s first instinct was to cover her head with her forearms and cower in a little ball on the ground. But I’m sure they all had a good laugh about it once she realized he wasn’t going to beat her within an inch of her life this time.

P.S. It seems Chris Brown can’t be within three feet of a girl without wanting to give her a knuckle sandwich (again here).

Nicky Hilton made a citizen’s arrest over the weekend after being assaulted by a vagrant. Or as I like to call him, my own personal hero. According to TMZ

It happened at 5:00 AM outside the IHOP in West Hollywood. Law enforcement sources tell us a male transient pushed her to the ground. Nicky got up and promptly made a citizen’s arrest. Someone called the cops and the suspect was arrested. She was not injured.

Nicky herself held the assailant at bay while the cops came.

You’ve gotta be careful when making a citizen’s arrest. Like that time I went to the beach with a megaphone and a duffel bag full of plastic tarps and arrested anyone I saw that had no business wearing a bikini. Turns out being fat in a bathing suit isn’t actually illegal. And it also turns out that forcibly wrapping people in plastic qualifies as “assault.” You’d think you’d be covered under the Good Samaritan law, but no. There’s just no justice in this world anymore.

UPDATE: Check out the vagrant’s mug shot after the jump

At Fashion Week with her cum stain of a sister:

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Kelly Osbourne was arrested yesterday for allegedly slapping some broad in a Soho nightclub last summer. The Daily Mail says

Witnesses claim [Osbourne] flew into a rage after gossip columnist Zoe Griffin said her fiancé, Luke Worrall, was stupid.

Griffin is said to have taunted Osbourne, 24, that Worrall, 19, did not know what an earthquake was. The incident occurred in the Punk nightclub in August.

Call me naive, but I did not see Kelly Osbourne as the violent type. She struck me as more of a “chasing sour cream around a dinner plate with nacho while standing in line at the buffet for the third time” kind of girl. Perhaps that’s what they mean when they say “you can’t judge a book by its cover.” No matter how fat and disgusting its cover might happen to be.

At the Fox All Stars Party with her family:

Amy Winehouse somehow managed to dodge another assault charge after dumping a glass of water over a woman’s head while on holiday in St. Lucia. The Sun says

A source claimed: “Her attack on this guest was the last straw. She walks around in the same grimy bikini bottoms each day with her boobs on show, gets drunk, gropes waiters and is rude to male staff. [All the hotel staff] wants Amy to disappear. She’s hardly the most popular guest.”

Her spokesman said of the water incident: “Amy misunderstood a conversation and wrongly believed a slight was made. The matter has been resolved.”

Ironic choice of weapons, don’t you think? After all, water was all it took to kill her kind in “The Wizard of Oz.” Now might be the time to invest in a good raincoat and a legion of Winkies!