Heather Locker hasn’t had the best couple of years, what with the going to rehab for pain pills, being arrested for a hit and run, getting a DWI, and being forcibly hospitalized by her family, but there are new claims that her engagement to former “Melrose Place” co-star Jack Wagner was called off after things got physical in their front yard. Radar Online says:

“A huge argument erupted [between Heather and Jack] as they insulted each other’s families,” a source exclusively told Star. “As Heather went to her car, Jack lunged at her, trying to grab her. Her reaction was to swing.

“She caught Jack with a right hook across his face, knocking him to the ground.”

The police arrived and after speaking to them both they realized the gash across Wagner’s face was caused in self defense.

The first thing that went through my mind after reading that was “Huh huh… you got your ass kicked by T.J. Hooker. Wuss.” I’m not even gonna waste a good tampon joke on this asswipe. Beavis and Butt-Head wouldn’t stand for it.

My favorite episode of the new season:

Terrence Howard’s estranged wife Michelle got a restraining order against him this morning after claiming Terrence “constantly beats her and threatens to kill her.” Good thing my dog can’t file restraining orders, then. TMZ says:

Michelle Howard filed court documents claiming Terrence began beating her up just 7 days after they were married in January 2010, [claiming] Howard “slugged me across my face and neck” … and threatened to throw her off a balcony.

Michelle claims the violence continued throughout their marriage — with Terrence allegedly:

– smacking her in the face and chipping her tooth with his wedding ring
– throwing her down to the ground in a parking lot
– telling her, “I’ll hit a woman quicker than I’d hit a man”
– Saying, “If you tell anyone about my personal business, I will kill you and no one will ever know
– Screaming, “Bitch, walk home. That’s my car, I pay for it.”

Terrence, of course, vehemently denies the charges, and for what it’s worth, he’s gotta couple of charges of his own:

Terrence filed legal papers… claiming Michelle had been threatening to “release private materials to 3rd parties for her own personal financial gain” unless he paid her money.

Sources connected to the case [said] the material in question includes a video of Howard singing naked in the shower.

I bet we’ll all have a good laugh once everyone realizes the “third party” she’s seeking is America’s Funniest Home Videos. They’re the only people I could ever see having a vested interest in this. Seriously, the only way I’d ever pay to see a video of Terrence Howard singing naked in the shower is if at the end, somebody threw in a couple of ferrets and held the curtain shut.

With his wife in Cannes earlier this year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I guess that Sober Valley Lodge was a fucking sham, man. TMZ says:

[Charlie Sheen's ex-wife] Brooke Mueller was arrested last night in Aspen, Colorado on suspicion of felony cocaine possession.

Police found Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife inside a nightclub called Escobar after she allegedly assaulted some woman at a nearby drinking establishment.

In addition to cocaine possession, Brooke was also booked on a misdemeanor 3rd degree assault charge.

She was released from the Pitkin County jail this morning on $11,000 bond.

This is exactly why you don’t hire Charlie fucking Sheen to be your sober coach. You wouldn’t hire Roseanne Barr to be your nutritionist or Adolf Hitler to teach anger management, would you? Dumbassery at its absolutely finest.

25-year-old Shia LeBeouf can’t hold his liquor for shit (see here and here), but he still makes it a point to get belligerently drunk wherever he goes. Including Canada, where he’s currently filming “The Company You Keep” and getting his ass kicked in street fights. Radar Online says:

The actor managed to get in not one, but three fights in the early hours of Friday morning. According to an eyewitness, Shia appeared visibly drunk.

“He got into a confrontation with a couple of people,” the witness said. “He took a few punches to the face. He was obviously pretty intoxicated.”

Shia had to pulled away from a bar patron by security when the pair clashed inside the Cinema Public House just after 12:30 a.m. However, once outside, the patron ripped off his shirt and unleashed a one sided attack on the star.

[The patron] ran up to Shia hitting him to the ground with at least three punches to his head… then Shia just put his hands up and gave up,” the witness said.

Photos taken over the weekend [show] a sore and sorry Shia sporting grazes and swelling to his left side of his face.

He gets drunk, starts fights, and then gets his ass kicked. So what. That’s every Christmas I ever had growing up. In other dumbassery-related news, rapper Soulja Boy was arrested in Georgia this morning after cops pulled him over for a traffic violation and found a shitload of weed, guns and cash in the car. TMZ says:

21-year-old rapper — real name DeAndre Cortez Way — was popped early this morning by Temple Police Department officers in Temple, GA at 3:15 AM.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Soulja was riding in an Escalade with 4 other men, which was originally pulled over for a traffic violation.

We’re told … during the stop, cops found a “substantial amount” of marijuana and cash inside the vehicle.” Soulja and the 4 other men were all arrested. Soulja is still being held in Carrol County Jail.

Law enforcement sources tell us officers also found guns inside the car — though it’s unclear if any of the men had the proper licenses to be in possession of the firearms. We’re told an investigation is underway.

One source with knowledge of the situation tells us there was roughly $70,000 in cash and drugs in the car. all 5 men were arrested on charges of possession of marijuana, possession with intent to distribute, and possession of a firearm during the commission of a crime.

Boy, what are the odds that a Cadillac Escolade full of black guys would yield a cache of illegal weapons and drugs? That almost never happens!

You’ll remember I told you yesterday about Nic Cage’s son Weston being handcuffed and hospitalized on a 5150 hold after he tried to roundhouse kick his personal trainer in the face while dining at a Hollywood restaurant. Well, now there’s video of the incident in question, but it doesn’t exactly corroborate the story that was given to TMZ — instead of Weston going apeshit on his trainer and having to be subdued, the video shows the trainer whaling on Weston while he lies there motionless on the sidewalk. And to add insult to injury, the man punching Weston in the face 13 consecutive times wasn’t so much his “personal trainer” as he was “his former high school wrestling coach turned bodyguard.” As in Weston’s bodyguard. Radar Online says:

Kevin Villegas, the man who beat up Nic Cage’s son Weston, was his high school wrestling coach and had been hired to protect the actor’s son.

The brutal beating was caught on video and is now the subject of a police investigation.

Weston needed eight stitches for facial injuries and is being evaluated for head and brain trauma.

“He deliberately provoked Weston,” one source said of Villegas. “And he wouldn’t stop even though people were telling him to. He could have easily subdued [him, but instead he] took advantage of Weston because he knew he was in no condition to defend himself at that time.“

Beaten by your own bodyguard. Wow. I didn’t know irony could pull down your pants and taunt you like that. It’s really the most vicious of all the rhetorical literary devices.

Former Sports Illustrated model and “Planet of the Apes” star Estella Warren is in jail today after hitting three parked cars while driving drunk in L.A. last night. But wait — it gets better! After she was arrested for DUI, she then kicked the arresting officer and even managed to escape police custody by shimmying out of her handcuffs. I believe the term we’re looking for here is “balls-out.” TMZ says:

Warren was driving [just before midnight] in L.A. when she struck 3 parked cars in her Toyota Prius. Warren drove away but cops spotted her and placed her under arrest for driving under the influence, though not before she resisted and kicked an officer.

Warren was taken to the police station in handcuffs, and during the booking process she managed to get out of her handcuffs and then run out the back door! Warren was quickly recaptured.

Warren is being booked for felony escape, assault, hit and run and DUI.

As one law enforcement source [said], “She was really hammered.” Warren’s bail has set at $100,000.

You’d think Estella would be happy that she proved her agent wrong by actually getting arrested in this town after “Kangaroo Jack,” but no. Some people just don’t appreciate irony.

Oh, look — Estella’s boobs!:

Despite surveillance videos that show him drunkenly staggering around a tattoo shop and shoving his wife because he couldn’t remember where he lived, 47-year-old Nicolas Cage will not be charged in connection with his April 16th arrest for domestic abuse and disturbing the peace arrest in New Orleans. Boy, color me surprised. Radar Online says:

“The New Orleans District Attorney has confirmed that no charges of any kind will be pursued against him,” Cage’s attorney Harry Rosenberg told People. “After their investigation, the DAs refused all charges against Nic and the matter has been closed.

“We are pleased that the process led to the correct result, despite inaccurate media reports, and that Nic has been cleared and all charges have been dropped.”

Well, it’s not like they had a slam-dunk case against him or anything. All they had were eye-witnesses, and surveillance videos, and a blood alcohol test, and a mugshot that shows he was too fucked up to open his eyes. You can’t just pull a case out of thin air like that. They’re district attorneys, not magicians!

Paris Hilton’s boyfriend Cy Waits was attacked yesterday as he and Paris were walking into an L.A. courthouse to testify against a man who allegedly tried to break into her house last year. FUN FACT: the man who attacked Cy also tried to break into Paris’ house last year! Weird, huh? Amazing how many people all want to break in and disembowel Paris Hilton, including yours truly. TMZ says:

The suspect, James Rainford, was popped in front of Hilton’s pad in the Hollywood Hills back in October after sneaking on to her property and then getting in to an altercation with Paris’ private security.

Today, Rainford smacked Waits in the back of the head as Cy and Paris were walking into a hearing where Paris was set to testify against a different man who allegedly sneaked on to her property and pulled out a knife last year.

We’re told Cy’s bodyguard immediately apprehended Rainford and turned him over to LAPD.

I’m sure the first thing that crossed your mind when you read that was, “What is Cy fucking Waits doing with a bodyguard?” Jesus, what a waste of a job. The only protection that dude needs comes in the form of condoms and a shot of penicillin.

Arriving at the courthouse:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Nicolas Cage didn’t just shove his wife around the night of his drunken arrest in New Orleans last week — it seems he also found time to drop his 5-year-old son while staggering around and shouting belligerently. And people say you can’t multi-task when you’re drunk! TMZ says:

According to the police report, Cage’s wife Alice told police she and Nic had been arguing on the night of April 15 “due to his intoxicated state” when they went to pick up their son from a friend’s house.

Alice and Nic continued to argue until they arrived at their home — at which point “Mr Cage fell while holding their son. The fall caused the 5 year old to suffer a minor abrasion to his left knee.”

But a witness told cops he saw “Mr. Cage pull the male child to the ground by his hand.”

According to the report, “A child abuse detective was notified.”

Cops say they wanted to interview Cage’s son — but Alice wouldn’t let that happen.

Honestly, I’m just surprised that child protective services hasn’t been called to Nic Cage’s home sooner. He named the poor kid Kal-El, for chrissakes. Kal-El. As in Kal-El, Superman’s birth name on his home planet in the DC universe. If that’s not child abuse, I don’t know what fucking is. He could kick his kid in the balls every day of his life and it still wouldn’t be as painful as being named after The Last Son of Krypton.

Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage was arrested in New Orleans late Friday night for assaulting wife Alice Kim after getting so drunk that he couldn’t remember where he lived. Bystanders called the cops after watching him attempt to forcibly drag her down the street to a residence that was not their own. Local police said in a statement:

“Cage and his wife were standing in front of a residence that he insisted was the property the couple was renting.

She disagreed, and Cage grabbed her by the upper arm and pulled her to what he believed was the correct address. The actor then began striking vehicles and later attempted to get into a taxi.

At that point, an officer who had been flagged down by onlookers drove up on the couple and ordered him out of the cab, which prompted Cage to start yelling. The officers subsequently took Cage to Central Lock-up.

The officer [noted] that Cage was heavily intoxicated [and] charged [him] with one count of domestic violence and one count of public drunkenness.

And here I thought Nicolas Cage couldn’t sink any lower than he did with Wicker Man. That mug shot alone is probably worth like seven Captain Corelli’s Mandolins and three Bangkok Dangerouses at least.

After much huffing and puffing and making like they’re gonna blow her house down, the Riverside County District Attorney has decided not to file charges against Lindsay Lohan for assaulting a Betty Ford staff member late last year. TMZ says:

Sources tell us the D.A. believes there is “insufficient evidence” to prosecute Lindsay.

The Palm Desert Police Department had been investigating the confrontation between Lindsay and former staffer Dawn Holland, but ultimately the D.A. felt the firepower wasn’t there.

So Lindsay only has one criminal case in play now.

So this gets swept under the rug and she pays absolutely no consequences for it whatsoever. Shocking. Fortunately, her felony grand theft case is still pending, and her window of opportunity for taking a plea deal has already closed, so she’ll be putting her fate into the hands of people who were too stupid to get out of jury duty. She better pray none of them saw “I Know Who Killed Me.”

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael was arrested last night after beating up his new girlfriend. TMZ says:

Lohan’s girlfriend filed a report with the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department claiming they got into an argument that turned physical… and she had some visible marking from the alleged incident.

Cops went out and tracked down Lohan — and arrested him on suspicion of domestic violence.

Lohan will be charged with domestic violence, false imprisonment, preventing the reporting of victimization.

I hope his girlfriend got a couple of slaps in for his jeans being so goddamn tight. Seriously, what the hell? And don’t lets forget the understated elegance and panache that a muscle shirt brings to the table. It’s a look only an out-of-work porn star circa 1982 could love.

Lindsay at JFK with her mother last week:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures