Kanye West was arrested in England this morning after an altercation with a photographer outside a pub in Newcastle.  From the Associated Press:

LONDON (AP) — Rapper Kanye West was arrested after a fracas outside a nightclub but released without charge, British media reported Friday.

The Press Association news agency and others reported that that the 31-year-old rapper was detained early Friday after an incident involving a photographer outside the Tup Tup Palace bar in Newcastle, northern England.

Police said only that a 31-year-old man had been arrested on suspicion of assault after an incident at a nightclub. They said he was later released without charge. British police do not usually identify suspects who have not been charged.

The Tup Tup Palace said West visited the club after his gig in Newcastle Thursday but could not confirm the arrest.

A spokeswoman for West did not immediately return a call seeking comment.

West was arrested last month at Los Angeles International Airport after he was filmed struggling with a paparazzo. He was not charged.

Honestly, at this point it’s really only “news” if Kanye West shows up anywhere and fails to do one of the following:

a) Cry like a little bitch
b) Assault someone
c) Rant to anyone who will stand still long enough about how awesome he thinks he is

If a full day ever went by without ANY of those things happening, I’m pretty sure it would herald the dawn of the Apocalypse.

Remember the name Maria Esther Castillo — you’re going to be hearing it a lot today. Ms. Castillo found herself duct-taped to her seat after striking a flight attendant and assaulting the disabled during a flight to Chicago. The Chicago Tribune says

[Castillo] struck a flight attendant on the buttocks with the back of her hand [and] fell onto the head of a blind passenger and later started pulling the person’s hair. Ankle cuffs kept slipping off Castillo, so the flight crew and two passengers were forced to use duct tape to keep her in her seat, the complaint states.

Maria Esther Castillo is charged with resisting arrest and interfering with the operations of a flight crew aboard United Airlines Flight 645, from Puerto Rico to Chicago.

This just confirms my father’s belief that duct tape can be used in nearly every situation. Reattaching an amputated limb, replacing your windshield, silencing a witness — all of it. And don’t let’s forget the body hair removal perks that come with a quality adhesive! Maria Ester Castillo got that luscious Latina body hair ripped out right by the root for free. United Airlines can now boast free in-flight ankle waxing with every belligerent outburst! United — come fly the hair-free skies.

We all remember Akon, don’t we? You know, the rapper that dry-humped a high school freshman onstage at one of his concerts in May of last year. The same guy who’s staring down criminal charges for shot-putting another fan into the crowd a month later. Well, he had another concert in South America this weekend, and see if you can guess what happened. Was it:

A) An open forum and discussion on The Collected Poems by Sylvia Plath;

B) Got pantsd by a fan;

C) Punched some bitch in the face; or

D) Both and B and C

Yep, there’s something you don’t see everyday. A rapper with violent misogynistic tendencies. Next you’ll try telling me he has an arrest record as long as his arm and absolutely no appreciation whatsoever for the alienation motifs in Sylvia Plath’s poetry. Balderdash, sir!

Amy Winehouse spent her Saturday night partying in Camden, and by “partying” I of course mean “punching windows and bare-knuckling security gates.” Sounds fun, doesn’t it? According to The Daily Mail

Amy started running with a mystery pal to live music bar Stables. Before she got to the club she slumped down outside a shop, then jumped up to slam her fist into the shop’s metal security blind. She arrived home in a distraught, tearful state with red marks on her face. Her hands were filthy and one of her fingers was blackened from punching the grill.

Who could blame her? We all know how much smack security gates talk. It’s all, “Who you lookin’ at, bitch?” this and “That’s right — keep walkin’” that. I just try to avoid them now. And don’t even get me started on ATMs or newspaper stands. They might try to tell me I’m a “paranoid schizophrenic” with “delusions” and that I “need to take my thorazine,” but they don’t fool me for a minute. I know a trouble-maker when I see one.

Rejoice! Your faith in Christian Bale can now be restored — his mother and sister filed those unfortunate assault charges earlier this week after he refused them a $200,000 loan. It’s all starting to make sense now! According to The Sun

The women said sister Sharon needed [$200,000] to help her bring up her three children. Christian was asked to loan [it to] her but refused and that caused an almighty row. Sources close to Bale said Jenny inflamed the situation by hurling insults about his wife.

[His mother and sister say] they did not want any publicity. But they say he bullied them. They are both devastated that it has come to this but want him to be taught a lesson.

You can always count on relatives to show up at an inopportune time and start demanding money. Especially in my family, where the monetary demands occasionally come with a court-ordered paternity test. Did I mention I’m from the South? Woo doggie! Cue the banjo music and the moonshine jug any time now.

At the Dark Knight premiere in Spain (1 & 2) and in London:

It’s not looking good for Christian Bale.

Everyone was hoping that the Batman actor might have been arrested yesterday for verbally assaulting his mother and sister — what with England’s silly Class 4 and 5 “verbal assault with an intent to cause alarm” clauses — but no dice. It looks like there was actual physical contact between him and his mother. TMZ reports

We’re told Bale pushed his mom out of the way during an altercation. She was not hurt and did not fall down. There’s a division of opinion on whether the contact was a “push” or a “brush.”

Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I mean, who hasn’t wanted to push their nagging mother out of the way of the door so they could walk out of the room during an argument? So, it looks like this was all a big misunderstanding. Christian doesn’t have an unpredictable and violent temper. Right? Um, not exactly. TMZ goes on to say

Bale was on the set last Friday shooting “Terminator 4.” During a scene, the director of cinematography screwed up a shot — at least in Christian’s mind. Bale went ballistic, screaming “I will kick your ass” along with other choice remarks. Several hundred people heard the outburst — including Military Police — which was described as “intense.”

We’re told Bale was “extremely tired and having a bad day.”

Okaaay… I guess… so maybe the day of the assault was just another “bad day” for Christian. He’s not like that all the time. *crosses fingers* Right? The Daily Mail says

Christian can have a terrible temper. Instead of lashing out at his wife, he sometimes lashes out at people around him.’

Jesus, I give up. The only thing I got is that his mom was a former circus clown. And if there’s one thing my grandpa always told me, it’s that you can’t trust circus folk. He also told me that you couldn’t trust the Japanese and that redheaded people are lazy and that black people run faster than white people because they have an extra bone in their foot, so I wouldn’t exactly call him to the stand or anything. But hey, at least it’s something.

Batman actor Christian Bale had assault charges filed against him yesterday while in London for the British premiere of The Dark Knight. But here’s the shocker: the charges were filed by his own mother and sister. According to The Sun

He is alleged to have lashed out on Sunday night at Park Lane’s Dorchester Hotel where he has a suite. Mum Jenny, 61, and sister Sharon, 40, who lives in Dorset, went to a police station in Hampshire yesterday to lodge the allegation. The matter was referred to the Met Police. Detectives… are expected to quiz the Wales-born actor today.

I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Christ, I’d pay fifty dollars American to get smacked around by Christian motherfucking Bale. A hundred if he kept the Batsuit on. His mother and sister should be thanking him for the privilege, not bitching to the cops like a couple of ingrate stepchildren. Pearls before swine, I tell ya. Stinging, hand-print-leaving pearls before swine. Some people just don’t know how lucky they are.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Christian has been arrested and taken in for questioning.

Going for her third unprovoked assault in less than two weeks, Amy Winehouse turned on her bodyguard and whaled him right in the kisser last night. The Daily Mail says

Returning home from one of her regular Camden haunts, Amy hit her waiting bodyguard directly in the face. And by the looks of things he felt the full force of her hand, grimacing in pain as she went in for another blow.

It’s like that famous fight in ‘51 when tiny little white guy Rocky Marciano beat defending heavyweight champion and black behemoth of a man Joe Louis. Only instead of a heart of gold and a tenacity never-before-seen in the boxing ring, you’ve got unchecked paranoia and a bloodstream full of crack cocaine. The left hook is about the same, though. All she’s really missing is the giant belt.