Over a year and a half after it happened, Rihanna is finally opening up about the beating Chris Brown gave her in next month’s issue of Glamour magazine. She says in the interview (via Reuters):

On the ordeal with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown: “I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the
next day.”

On her message to young women: “My story was broadcast all over the world for
people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women.”

On how she made it back: “My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and everyone has been there for me. But at some point you are there alone. It’s a lonely place to be — no one can understand. That’s when you get close to God.”

Another time you get close to God? When you wake up bleeding from the anus in a drainage ditch off I-40 without any pants or memory of the last three days and there’s two men in overalls with shovels standing over you. Let me tell you, Jesus and I were never closer.

The D.A. will not be filing charges against Joe Francis for his attack on Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole in an L.A. nightclub last August. I repeat, will NOT be filing charges. I’m guessing that like me, the D.A. spends most of his free time huffing glue and paint thinner. TMZ says

The D.A. [states] that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation” [and] thought “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.”

And how is Joe Francis is taking the news that he gets off scott-free? By suing Jayde for battery, assault, negligence, slander, libel, false light and a partridge in a pear tree, naturally!

According to the lawsuit, Francis claims he was innocently walking through a crowd of people at “Guys and Dolls” nightclub in Hollywood, when Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole suddenly struck him in the head, threw a drink on him and stated, “I’m going to kill you!”

Francis claims he saw Jayde reaching for a bottle, [and] “in fear and apprehension of being struck a third time and that Nicole was going to carry out her threat to kill him,” Joe grabbed Nicole’s hair in “self-defense.”

Joe claims Nicole fell to the ground because she “lost her balance on her high heels.”

I’ve never personally had a yeast infection, but if I did, I imagine the discharge would look and smell a lot like Joe Francis. That guy is a cuntwipe of the highest order. I’m surprised he doesn’t leave a sticky white trail and burning feminine itch wherever he goes.

See Jayde naked here and here.

There were reports earlier this week that David Hasselhoff had been hospitalized for an “ear infection,” which, as it turns out, is actually a PR agent’s way of saying “he was piss-fucking-drunk.” The Hoff had to be rushed to London’s Capio Nightingale Hospital on Monday after bashing a doctor in the face in drunken rage. The Sun says

The bender began at the weekend at Simon Cowell’s posh birthday party. [Hasselhoff] got smashed and was escorted out of a side door and back to the hotel.

A source said: “On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”

Hasselhoff then lashed out when he was confronted by the physician - accidentally decking Dr Paul Ettlinger.

Well, they were kind of asking for it, don’t you think? I mean, you don’t cage a wild beast and then expect it to come with you willingly. You have to coax it out gently with a trail of savory morsels and treats. In this case, tiny Jagermeister bottles and pictures of boobs. That’s the only way I managed to get my husband out of the drainage ditch the night before our wedding.

Remember when Joe Francis was accused of attacking Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole at Guys and Dolls back in August? Her lawsuit claimed that Francis assaulted her by “pulling on her hair from behind and violently throwing her to the ground like a rag-doll,” leaving her with a “black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, bruised arms and legs, and ripped-out hair.” To which Joe Francis responded

“Jayde Nicole is an absolute and total liar. Her prior statements about the incident are not only slanderous and defamatory, but actionable.

The only thing that Jayde Nicole is famous for is having a tattoo of the word ‘respect’ above her vagina… for which we all know she has none of.”

Yeah, not so much. The security footage from that night clearly shows Francis walking up to Jayde from behind, grabbing a fistful of her hair, then yanking her to the ground and sweeping the floor with her. Exactly like she said. Jesus, Joe Francis is such a faggot. Only vindictive drag queens and women in beer commercials fight like that. I’m surprised his maxipad didn’t fall out in the melee.

NSFW Playboy pics:

Tila Tequila made a point to display her Shawne Merriman-inspired bruises for all the paps’ cameras in her first public appearance since the alleged beating on Sunday. Big fucking deal, right? A couple of lateral bruises on the upper arms. Psshhht. I’m pretty sure Nicole Brown Simpson would have called that shit “foreplay.”

San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman of the was taken into custody over the weekend after allegedly choking media whore Tila Tequila at his home. TMZ says

San Diego Sheriff’s deputies responded to a call [Sunday] morning at 3:45 AM [in which] Tila claimed [to have been] “choked and physically restrained” by Merriman after she tried to leave his residence.

Tila was transported to a local hospital while Merriman was taken into custody. [He] is accused of battery and false imprisonment.

Merriman denied all the charges against him, claiming that Tila was “extremely inebriated” and he had only tried to prevent her from leaving because she was in no state to drive a vehicle. He said in a statement

“On September 6, 2009 the San Diego Sheriff’s Department responded to a citizen’s complaint that was initiated by Tila Nguyen (aka Tila Tequila). I was taken into custody based upon that complaint. At the time, I was concerned about her welfare given the intoxicated state she appeared to be in and I encouraged her to stay until safe transportation could be provided.

We would all do our best to help a friend if we considered their actions to be detrimental to their personal safety. I in no way caused any harm to Ms. Nguyen, however, paramedics were called and she was examined but no injuries were reported. She was released and has since returned to Los Angeles, California.

There have been no charges filed against me. I want to thank the San Diego Sheriff’s Department for their professionalism. I will continue to cooperate fully with the Department, and I look forward to clearing my name regarding these false allegations. I want to put this behind me so I can continue to focus on a successful season for the San Diego Chargers.”

Look, if you want to make a Leprechaun grant you a wish, all you have to do is catch it. Choking is only necessary if they’re trying to get a hold of your marshmallow cereal.

With a big snake in Polish CKM:

In response to the snippet of the Larry King interview that aired yesterday in which he claimed not to remember hitting Rihanna, Chris Brown is now on the offensive (pun intended!) and claiming CNN purposefully edited his responses to make him look bad. He said in a personal statement

“There have been reports on the Internet that I didn’t remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight.

That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like 4 or 5 times.

The first four times I gave the same answer — which was that I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, “Do you remember doing it?” and I said, “No.”

Of course I remember what happened. But it was and still is a blur. I still can’t believe it happened because it is not me or who I am.”

I don’t know why CNN would give the impression that he didn’t remember the hitting her. Except, you know, that he said that. I also don’t know why they would imply that he was wearing a faggoty-ass sweater and bow tie that made him look like Carlton fucking Banks. Except, you know, that’s what he was wearing. All I know is that CNN better start getting their facts straight before they go skewing a story to make a guy look bad. Chris Brown ain’t exactly afraid to hit a bitch, you know.

Girls Gone Wild douchebag Joe Francis “punched and kicked” Playboy’s 2008 Playmate of the Year Jayde Nicole in an assault at an L.A. nightclub last night. TMZ says

According to [Jayde's boyfriend Brody] Jenner, he and Jayde were at the club celebrating his birthday, when Jayde saw Francis hitting on an ex-girlfriend of his (Francis’), Jenner says “unrelentingly.” Jayde felt he was harassing the woman — whom Jayde and Brody know — and she threw a drink on Francis.

Jenner says Francis then pulled Jayde’s hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her. Security broke it up and Francis got dragged away — Brody followed.

Jenner then saw Joe, punched him in the face, and then someone tased him and he fell to the ground. Francis left the scene.

Jayde [says] she will press charges against Francis. Jayde has a black and blue cheek, her face is swollen, she has a bruised left rib and her lower abdomen is sore. Some of her hair also got pulled out.

Wow. Just… wow. Give me a moment to collect my thoughts here. I might need to pace around with my fingers interlocked behind my head. I mean, are we talking about Joe Francis here? The same Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild? Because that Joe Francis is always such a class act. Really, he’s never shown any indication that he has anything other than the utmost respect and admiration for women. This is all just coming straight out of left field.

Old NSFW Playboy pics:

Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bodyguard assaulted a man who dared to take their picture while they were on vacation in Dubrovnik yesterday. NY Daily News says

The couple’s bodyguard had a scuffle with a Croatian paparazzo Tuesday night, tossing the photog’s tripod into the sea. Jay and his muscle gave paps the finger while speeding off in their motorboat.

A rep for the rapper declined to comment.

You know, if this had taken place in the United States instead of Croatia, and Jay-Z were white and the paparazzo were black, this would qualify as a “hate crime” and Jay-Z would get a minimum of six years in a state penitentiary. But it’s an Eastern Bloc nation and Jay-Z’s the black guy, so all that Croatian dude will get is a big “fuck you.” Celebrity justice at its finest!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Rage-fueled supermodel Naomi Campbell is at it again! According to the NY Daily News

Naomi has been accused of attacking a photographer and putting him in the hospital during a holiday in Italy with her billionaire boyfriend. The photog claims: “First she hit with her bag, screaming at me, and then she tried to slap me. I managed to avoid her - but her nails still got my eye.”

Although formal charges have not been filed, it stands to reason that Naomi did assault the photographer. Like this time she assaulted a stewardess on British Airways. Or this time she scratched up her therapist. Or this time she chucked a cell phone at her housekeeper. Hey, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, watch out, because it might just be Naomi Campbell in a duck costume. I wouldn’t go poking it with sticks or making eye contact or anything.

On holiday in Italy with billionaire boyfriend Mikhail Prokhorov:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Remember when Perez Hilton got punched right in his big fat puss at the Much Music Awards earlier this week? Remember how he called Will. I. Am “faggot” and “motherfucking liar” and swore up and down that it was Will. I. Am who assaulted him? Yeah, not so much. Turns out the man who struck Perez was Will. I. Am’s road manager Polo Molina, and now Perez is filing a civil lawsuit against him. TMZ says

Hilton is suing Polo Molina for battery and an intentional infliction of emotional distress. The suit wants payback in excess of $25,000.

Hilton’s attorney released the following statement:

“Perez Hilton files this lawsuit to protect his freedom of speech and seeks legal redress against those who have physically assaulted him because they do not like his review of their album. Whether you love Perez or hate him, he is entitled to his freedom of speech without fear of physical violence. This lawsuit will make the statement that violence is never the answer.”

And now, Perez is apologizing — not to the man he wrongly accused of assault; not to the woman he called a “fugly bitch” and on whom he routinely draws wieners; not to GLAAAD for his using of a homophobic slur; not to Isaiah Washington for publicly campaigning for his termination from “Grey’s Anatomy” for having said the word “faggot;” and not to Jesse Metcalfe for writing that Metcalfe deserved the beating he got outside a Hollywood night club last year — but to himself, for being such a poor helpless victim. He writes on his site:

I am speaking out because I realize that the last few days have been more hurtful to me - and many others - than the repeated blows I suffered to my head in Toronto this past weekend.

I am sorry that any good work I have done for promoting equality may be tainted by me reclaiming a hurtful word - that’s been personally used against me and the gay community - to hurt someone that was verbally attacking me. It was stupid.

The “F” word will never be uttered from my lips again. I challenge [others] to remove it from their vocabulary as well.

I should have been the bigger man and walked away from an unfortunate situation. Instead, I chose… to stand up for myself and only made things worse by how I - under pressure, anger and extreme emotion - handled the situation.

I am NOT apologizing to GLAAD. I could care less about them, my former employers.

I am apologizing to the gay community and to all the people who have ever emailed me to thank me for all that I have done to fight for gay rights over the last few years.

I will be donating any money collected from my lawsuit against Polo Molina, road manager for the Black Eyed Peas, to the Matthew Shepard Foundation.

And I will continue to speak out for equality and support the great work done by LGBT organizations, such as LAMBDA Legal and HRC.

Sincerely,
Perez

I really think the cab driver in “Old School” said it best: “I recommend you stop being such a faggot.” It’s the very same advice I gave my kid when I dropped him off at summer camp.

Good news for all my Jack Bauer fans out there — Kiefer Sutherland won’t be going to jail for assaulting Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough at the Met’s Costume Institute Gala Tuesday night, even though he’s currently on probation stemming from his 2007 DUI arrest. According to the NY Daily News

Sutherland will be charged with third-degree assault for the attack on designer Jack McCollough [and] will be issued a desk appearance ticket for the misdemeanor - meaning he won’t be jailed and will be free to travel before he’s arraigned.

Jail, no jail — whatever. I don’t think any of that really matters. What’s important here is that I would let Jack Bauer pound my ass like a Chinaman laying railroad ties. The end.

More hot Jack Bauer goodness: