Chris Brown denied he was referencing the 2009 beating he gave former girlfriend Rihanna in his new “freestyle” remix of Kanye West’s god-awful “Theraflu,” but it seems the lyrics “Don’t fuck with my old bitch it’s like a bad fur/ Every industry nigga done had her/ Shook the tree like a pumpkin just to smash her/ Bitch is breaking codes, but I’m the password” pissed Rihanna off enough to unfollow him on Twitter (he later followed suit and unfollowed her, too. So there!). Digital Spy says:

Brown addressed the controversy in a Twitter post on Thursday.

He wrote: “Assumptions! I didn’t say any names so if u took offense to it then its something you feel guilty about.”

Yes, that’s right. It’s something YOU feel guilty about. Because you had so much to do with it. Seriously, your issues are really bringing everybody down. It’s time you accepted some responsibility for your actions.

Remember how Lindsay Lohan said she was home watching TV the night a patron at the Smoke & Mirrors nightclub claimed to have been assaulted by her? Yeeeah… that was a lie. The cops now have The Standard Hotel’s surveillance video in which Lohan can clearly be seen inside the club on the night in question. Radar Online says:

“Investigators obtained the surveillance video from the Smoke & Mirrors nightclub at The Standard Hotel and it clearly shows that Lindsay was there on the night of the alleged assault,” a law enforcement source [said]. “The investigation is still ongoing… two other witnesses besides the alleged victim filed police reports, including the bouncer of the nightclub.”

And because it worked out so well three days before, Lindsay Lohan went back to the Standard Hotel last night, and you’ll never guess what happens next. TMZ says:

Lindsay… got into it with ANOTHER woman, and it ended with LiLo on the receiving end of a flying drink.

Lindsay’s friend drove her car to the hotel — LiLo was in the passenger seat. The driver pulled into the parking garage and hit another car. Lindsay then called her dad, Michael and he dutifully showed up.

He took Lindsay inside the club and the two hung out for hours … we’re told without any alcohol.

A woman in the booth next to theirs made a snide comment about Lindsay showing up with her dad. Lindsay then got up and screamed at the woman, “Shut the fuck up.” That’s when the drink drenched the actress.

Michael then grabbed his daughter and made a beeline for the door.

Captain Sober’s been at either Coachella or The Standard Hotel every night this week, not drinking and not doing drugs and not shoving girls who are prettier than she is. Like in this photo, for instance. She’s not totally geeked up here. It’s probably just the flash making her eyes do that. And this one? She’s not drunk. I bet the shutter speed was too slow. And as for this pic with Snoop Dogg, well, maybe she’s got pinkeye in both eyes and an Asian great-grandmother. We really shouldn’t jump to conclusions.

At Jeremy Scott’s Coachella party:

Lindsay Lohan vehemently denied that she got into a shoving match with a girl at The Standard Hotel nightclub last week, claiming she was at home watching the 700 Club in her jammies or some shit like that when this unfortunate incident took place. Except the club has surveillance video, and the woman she shoved has already turned over photos of her injuries to the cops. D’oh! Radar Online says:

[The allegedly injured patron's attorney said]: “My client has given the West Hollywood Sheriff’s Department pictures of injuries that were inflicted by Lindsay Lohan. We are anxious to see the surveillance video which we feel will prove that Lindsay was at the nightclub and the evidence will speak for itself.”

“[My client] did nothing to provoke Lindsay, and she was shoved when her back was turned. Lindsay is blatantly lying, she was most definitely at the club that night… [she] came and left from the back of the hotel where there are no photographers. Just because she wasn’t photographed at the Standard doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”

Lindsay Lohan doesn’t look all that strong, but then cocaine can give you the strength of ten bears. And apparently, the radiant complexion of a truck stop hooker suffering from hepatitis C and urine scalding. Lucky for you, she never took off the one-piece.

At the beach with her even uglier sister Ali:

“That ’70s Show” actress Lisa Robin Kelly claims to have been set up by the very roommate she’s accused of assaulting last weekend. TMZ says:

Lisa says she’s been having issues with the guy for a while and tried to leave the pad for good on Friday, but he became angry and “roughed me up.”

Lisa says she called police but the guy took off before they arrived and she decided it wasn’t worth her time to press charges.

A short time later, the roommate showed up at the police station claiming Lisa had attacked him, something Lisa insists NEVER happened.

“He must have scratched himself or done something to himself,” Lisa says.

“I am clean and sober and completely innocent. I weigh 105 pounds. I could never hurt him. I just want to start working again.”

This really isn’t all that interesting, but I just wanted an excuse to post that header pic up there again. God damn. That picture could have come straight off the Faces of Meth and I’d have never known the difference.

Dancing with the Stars’ Maria Menounos leaving the studio, because she doesn’t look like she was recently embalmed:

Although Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry claimed in court last week that Nicollette Sheridan’s character was killed off because of budget restraints resulting from a decline in the show’s ratings and not because the he and Sheridan had a falling out, Sheridan’s attorney presented the court with a surprise voicemail from a “low-level ABC employee” who claimed to have “mistakenly received an email indicating that ABC was going to wipe all the hard drives clean to erase evidence of their intention to kill off her character Edie Britt on the show.” Dun dun DUN! Radar Online says:

[The voicemail said]: “I’m an employee of Desperate Housewives. I received an email soon after Nicollette filed suit; I think it was meant for a much narrower distribution, but it regarded having IT come in and wipe clean the hard drives of the producers in response to the correspondence that they’ve had email wise about firing Nicollette.

“Um, I think I got it by mistake; I believe they were going to have the Disney IT person come in to do the sweeping of the hard drive… that’s about all I know; you obviously can check this number and figure out who I am but I really don’t want to get involved.”

Mark and his partner Patrick Maloney want to have the employee called in as a witness, but the ABC lawyers contended this was “the first we’d heard of this,” to Judge Elizabeth Allen White and Tuesday is supposed to be the last day in the trial.

“I’m a real low level employee there and I shouldn’t have got that email, I’m on the general email list,” the staffer continued on the voicemail.

“But there was definitely a conspiracy to cover up the correspondence on email wise in regards to Nicollette.”

Last minute surprise witnesses? Dramatic court re-enactments? I’m still not entirely sure this isn’t just the script from season finale.

Leaving court with her attorney:

Chris Brown won a Grammy for best R&B album for his fourth album F.A.M.E. Sunday night, much to the dismay of country singer Miranda Lambert, who loudly voiced her displeasure on her Twitter. In response, Chris Tweeted (via the Daily Mail):

‘Strange how we pick and choose who to hate! Let me ask u this. Our society is full of rappers (which I listen to) who have sold drugs (poisoning).

‘But yet we glorify them and imitate everything they do.

‘Then right before the worlds eyes a man shows how he can make a Big mistake and learn from it, but still has to deal with day to day hatred! You guys love to hate!!! But guess what???’

‘HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That’s the ultimate FUCK OFF.’

The tweets have since been removed from Brown’s account, but it doesn’t matter, because he’s an asshole, and he’s always gonna be an asshole. And if there’s one thing everybody hates, it’s reading about assholes all damn day. I’m sure you work with enough of them to fill your daily requirement (if you weren’t born into a family of them already). So instead, I give you the only antidote powerful enough to counteract that kind of Chris Brown assholery — Sophia Grace and Rosie on the red carpet at the Grammys!:

2011′s Playmate of the Year Claire Sinclair claims the above bruises were inflicted by Hugh Hefner’s son Marston after a “violent rampage” over the weekend. TMZ says:

21-year-old Marston Hefner was arrested Sunday night after allegedly kicking and punching Sinclair during an argument in their Pasadena, CA apartment.

Now, 20-year-old Sinclair [claims] the Playboy heir has physically abused her on SEVERAL OCCASIONS … but she’s still willing to forgive the guy, [saying], “I will not press charges against Marston Hefner if he keeps his word to give a public apology for physically abusing me on several occasions, and seeks psychiatric help for his anger issues.”

Just to be thorough, I thought it best that we revisit these nude pics of Claire Sinclair for any signs of domestic abuse that the cops might have missed. I didn’t get my Junior Detective’s badge by not asking questions. It was my proactive approach and can-do attitude.

Heather Locker hasn’t had the best couple of years, what with the going to rehab for pain pills, being arrested for a hit and run, getting a DWI, and being forcibly hospitalized by her family, but there are new claims that her engagement to former “Melrose Place” co-star Jack Wagner was called off after things got physical in their front yard. Radar Online says:

“A huge argument erupted [between Heather and Jack] as they insulted each other’s families,” a source exclusively told Star. “As Heather went to her car, Jack lunged at her, trying to grab her. Her reaction was to swing.

“She caught Jack with a right hook across his face, knocking him to the ground.”

The police arrived and after speaking to them both they realized the gash across Wagner’s face was caused in self defense.

The first thing that went through my mind after reading that was “Huh huh… you got your ass kicked by T.J. Hooker. Wuss.” I’m not even gonna waste a good tampon joke on this asswipe. Beavis and Butt-Head wouldn’t stand for it.

My favorite episode of the new season:

Terrence Howard’s estranged wife Michelle got a restraining order against him this morning after claiming Terrence “constantly beats her and threatens to kill her.” Good thing my dog can’t file restraining orders, then. TMZ says:

Michelle Howard filed court documents claiming Terrence began beating her up just 7 days after they were married in January 2010, [claiming] Howard “slugged me across my face and neck” … and threatened to throw her off a balcony.

Michelle claims the violence continued throughout their marriage — with Terrence allegedly:

– smacking her in the face and chipping her tooth with his wedding ring
– throwing her down to the ground in a parking lot
– telling her, “I’ll hit a woman quicker than I’d hit a man”
– Saying, “If you tell anyone about my personal business, I will kill you and no one will ever know
– Screaming, “Bitch, walk home. That’s my car, I pay for it.”

Terrence, of course, vehemently denies the charges, and for what it’s worth, he’s gotta couple of charges of his own:

Terrence filed legal papers… claiming Michelle had been threatening to “release private materials to 3rd parties for her own personal financial gain” unless he paid her money.

Sources connected to the case [said] the material in question includes a video of Howard singing naked in the shower.

I bet we’ll all have a good laugh once everyone realizes the “third party” she’s seeking is America’s Funniest Home Videos. They’re the only people I could ever see having a vested interest in this. Seriously, the only way I’d ever pay to see a video of Terrence Howard singing naked in the shower is if at the end, somebody threw in a couple of ferrets and held the curtain shut.

With his wife in Cannes earlier this year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I guess that Sober Valley Lodge was a fucking sham, man. TMZ says:

[Charlie Sheen's ex-wife] Brooke Mueller was arrested last night in Aspen, Colorado on suspicion of felony cocaine possession.

Police found Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife inside a nightclub called Escobar after she allegedly assaulted some woman at a nearby drinking establishment.

In addition to cocaine possession, Brooke was also booked on a misdemeanor 3rd degree assault charge.

She was released from the Pitkin County jail this morning on $11,000 bond.

This is exactly why you don’t hire Charlie fucking Sheen to be your sober coach. You wouldn’t hire Roseanne Barr to be your nutritionist or Adolf Hitler to teach anger management, would you? Dumbassery at its absolutely finest.

25-year-old Shia LeBeouf can’t hold his liquor for shit (see here and here), but he still makes it a point to get belligerently drunk wherever he goes. Including Canada, where he’s currently filming “The Company You Keep” and getting his ass kicked in street fights. Radar Online says:

The actor managed to get in not one, but three fights in the early hours of Friday morning. According to an eyewitness, Shia appeared visibly drunk.

“He got into a confrontation with a couple of people,” the witness said. “He took a few punches to the face. He was obviously pretty intoxicated.”

Shia had to pulled away from a bar patron by security when the pair clashed inside the Cinema Public House just after 12:30 a.m. However, once outside, the patron ripped off his shirt and unleashed a one sided attack on the star.

[The patron] ran up to Shia hitting him to the ground with at least three punches to his head… then Shia just put his hands up and gave up,” the witness said.

Photos taken over the weekend [show] a sore and sorry Shia sporting grazes and swelling to his left side of his face.

He gets drunk, starts fights, and then gets his ass kicked. So what. That’s every Christmas I ever had growing up. In other dumbassery-related news, rapper Soulja Boy was arrested in Georgia this morning after cops pulled him over for a traffic violation and found a shitload of weed, guns and cash in the car. TMZ says:

21-year-old rapper — real name DeAndre Cortez Way — was popped early this morning by Temple Police Department officers in Temple, GA at 3:15 AM.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Soulja was riding in an Escalade with 4 other men, which was originally pulled over for a traffic violation.

We’re told … during the stop, cops found a “substantial amount” of marijuana and cash inside the vehicle.” Soulja and the 4 other men were all arrested. Soulja is still being held in Carrol County Jail.

Law enforcement sources tell us officers also found guns inside the car — though it’s unclear if any of the men had the proper licenses to be in possession of the firearms. We’re told an investigation is underway.

One source with knowledge of the situation tells us there was roughly $70,000 in cash and drugs in the car. all 5 men were arrested on charges of possession of marijuana, possession with intent to distribute, and possession of a firearm during the commission of a crime.

Boy, what are the odds that a Cadillac Escolade full of black guys would yield a cache of illegal weapons and drugs? That almost never happens!

You’ll remember I told you yesterday about Nic Cage’s son Weston being handcuffed and hospitalized on a 5150 hold after he tried to roundhouse kick his personal trainer in the face while dining at a Hollywood restaurant. Well, now there’s video of the incident in question, but it doesn’t exactly corroborate the story that was given to TMZ — instead of Weston going apeshit on his trainer and having to be subdued, the video shows the trainer whaling on Weston while he lies there motionless on the sidewalk. And to add insult to injury, the man punching Weston in the face 13 consecutive times wasn’t so much his “personal trainer” as he was “his former high school wrestling coach turned bodyguard.” As in Weston’s bodyguard. Radar Online says:

Kevin Villegas, the man who beat up Nic Cage’s son Weston, was his high school wrestling coach and had been hired to protect the actor’s son.

The brutal beating was caught on video and is now the subject of a police investigation.

Weston needed eight stitches for facial injuries and is being evaluated for head and brain trauma.

“He deliberately provoked Weston,” one source said of Villegas. “And he wouldn’t stop even though people were telling him to. He could have easily subdued [him, but instead he] took advantage of Weston because he knew he was in no condition to defend himself at that time.“

Beaten by your own bodyguard. Wow. I didn’t know irony could pull down your pants and taunt you like that. It’s really the most vicious of all the rhetorical literary devices.