Sean Penn was reportedly kicked out of the Governor’s Ball Oscars after-party Sunday night after punching “Hurt Locker” producer Greg Shapiro. Nine MSN says

Shapiro is dating Penn’s on-again/off-again ex-[wife] Robin Wright.

But despite reports of a scuffle between the pair, Penn’s reps deny he was even at the party.

[But] we have to admit [Penn] was looking pretty out of it when he announced the Best Picture award at the end of the ceremony.

And further corroborating the story, TMZ adds

Sean and Greg were in the same room with each other at one point in the night.

After Sean presented the Best Actress award to Sandra Bullock, both presenter and winner are supposed to go to an elevator which takes them near the press room. Sandra lingered around backstage for a little while — so Sean went to the elevator by himself.

After Sean emerged from the elevator and was waiting around for Sandra, a group of people from “The Hurt Locker” came up in the elevator right after the Best Picture announcement — Greg Shapiro was in that group.

We’re told Sean was nearby when Greg got off the elevator.

It’s funny how that whole bad boy persona doesn’t work when you’re pushing sixty and have a paunch and gray hair. What might have been viewed as scandalously sexy before just comes across as pitiful and pathetic now, like having a tribal armband tattoo or riding around on a Vespa. The only thing “hard” about Sean Penn now are probably his arteries.

Leaving CNN after a Larry King interview last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Supermodel Naomi Campbell allegedly slapped and punched her chauffeur in the head yesterday, making a solid hat trick of her 2000 arrest for chucking a phone at a maid and her assault incident in a London airport last year. The Daily Mail says

Driver Miodrag Mejdina, 27, claimed the supermodel was sitting in the back seat of the black Cadillac Escalade when she allegedly flew into a rage and punched him.

When the driver stopped his car in midtown Manhattan to call the police at about 3pm yesterday, Miss Campbell allegedly jumped out and fled on foot.

Police said the chauffeur, who had been hired for the day, suffered bruising to his right eye but did not say what prompted the alleged attack.

‘There shouldn’t be a rush to judgement,’ [Campbell's] spokesman Jeff Raymond said. ‘Naomi will cooperate voluntarily, and there is more to the story than meets the eye.’

There’s more to this story than “meets the eye?” Like how the back of closed fist and maybe a swipe of the acrylic fingernails might “meet” some poor bastard’s eye? Telling choice of words, Mr. Spokesperson. Now might be the time to invest in some protective headgear.

At the Elle Women of Style Awards last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

Salut, mes porcelets!  It’s Sarah.  As Sonya told you last week, Abby’s on vacation until after New Year’s and I’ll be with you until then.  Are you excited?  Well don’t be, because so far today is seriously the most boring thing in the entire universe.  There is absolutely nothing of any interest going on, so I guess that means we have to talk about how Charlie Sheen got arrested on Christmas morning in Aspen.  I know nobody really gives a shit about Charlie Sheen, but he used to be kinda famous so I guess this technically counts as news.

Anyway, Charlie Sheen and his wife, Brooke Whatsherface (that’s her legal name), were staying in a rented house in Aspen for Christmas, and at 11am Sheen was arrested on charges of felony second-degree assault, felony menacing, and misdemeanor criminal mischief.  Incidentally, what the HELL is “felony menacing”?  Is that, like, inappropriate scowling?  To an illegal degree, apparently?  I can only hope that somewhere in the police report are the words, “Subject was skulking and hulking at a felony level.”

What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, Charlie Sheen got arrested for pushing his wife around.  There’s really no more to this story, but if you’re clinically retarded enough to be super interested in the most boring crazy person on earth, you can read more about Charlie Sheen’s arrest on Radar Online.

When greasy buffoon Brad Ferro isn’t busy sucker-punching chicks in the face or dumping quarts of gel in his hair, he spends most of his time educating America’s youth courtesy of your tax dollars. We might as well go ahead and surrender to the Japanese now. According to Page Six

Ferro, 24, was arrested in late August for punching out [fellow Jersey Shore star] Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi at the Beachcomber Bar & Grill in Seaside Heights.

Ferro, a teacher at North Queens Community HS, was initially told to lay off the booze by bouncers at the bar because he seemed too drunk, [but] Ferro managed to stay inside the bar and [later] swiped shots belonging to Polizzi that had been placed on the bar top.

“That started a verbal altercation, after which he struck her in the face,” [police] said. “She sustained an injury to the inside of her mouth due to the punch.”

So he got drunk and punched her in the face? I don’t see what the big deal is. I’m pretty sure that’s just how men propose in Italy. I swear, people can be so ignorant of other cultures sometimes.

Tiger Woods hasn’t been seen since publicly since his Thanksgiving night accident, but not because of an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment — it’s because wife Elin Nordegren went and busted out all his fronts before he drove his car into a tree. Star Magazine says

“Elin confronted him about texting Rachel [Uchitel] and flew into a rage,” a source close to Tiger tells Star. “She apparently threw the phone at his mouth and broke one of his teeth.”

The incident didn’t stop with the dental damage, either.

Elin then grabbed a golf club and chased him around the house, doing tens of thousands of dollars in damage,” the source continues. “He ran out to the car barefoot to get away from her and was in such a state of panic that he crashed.”

Another insider confirms Tiger’s tooth trauma,” Elin went psycho that night. He couldn’t make an appearance in public after that. He was scared for his life.”

Well, to be fair, his teeth take up about 70% of his entire goddamn face, so it’d be hard not to hit him square in incisors when throwing something at his head. You’d have a harder time not hitting one of his 500 chompers than you would breaking out a couple with your cell phone.

And now, for a remarkably accurate reenactment of events:

Golf sensation Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident over the weekend after driving his Escalade into a fire hydrant and a tree at two in the morning. He issued the following statement on his official website:

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

What “false and malicious” rumors is he talking about, you ask? Namely, that he was caught cheating on his wife Elin Nordegren with some floozy named Rachel Uchitel, and that the “accident” was more of “Elin chasing him down the driveway with a golf club and bashing out the back windshield before he hit the hydrant” kind of situation. According to TMZ

Tiger Woods did not suffer facial lacerations from a car accident. They were inflicted by his wife, Elin Nordegren.

We’re told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. The argument got heated and she scratched his face up. It was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV — but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.

We’re told Woods became “distracted,” thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree.

And further corroborating the second version of events is his telling a friend he needed the “Kobe special” to make things right with his wife. TMZ adds

During the phone conversation on Friday, Tiger said his wife had “gone ghetto” on him. Tiger told the friend his wife had scratched his face up during an argument over a report that the golf great had cheated on her.

Tiger told his friend, “I have to run to Zales to get a ‘Kobe Special.’”

The person on the other end of the phone asked Tiger what a “Kobe Special” was. The reply — “A house on a finger.”

The Kobe reference is the now-famous house/ring he gave his wife Vanessa after [his infidelities were made public].

So that’s the Kobe Special? I thought it was “clamping your hand over a white girl’s mouth while using your knee to pry her legs apart.” I’ll be honest, I wasn’t quite sure how that was going to help matters for him. The other definition makes a whole lot more sense.

Over a year and a half after it happened, Rihanna is finally opening up about the beating Chris Brown gave her in next month’s issue of Glamour magazine. She says in the interview (via Reuters):

On the ordeal with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown: “I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the
next day.”

On her message to young women: “My story was broadcast all over the world for
people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women.”

On how she made it back: “My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and everyone has been there for me. But at some point you are there alone. It’s a lonely place to be — no one can understand. That’s when you get close to God.”

Another time you get close to God? When you wake up bleeding from the anus in a drainage ditch off I-40 without any pants or memory of the last three days and there’s two men in overalls with shovels standing over you. Let me tell you, Jesus and I were never closer.

The D.A. will not be filing charges against Joe Francis for his attack on Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole in an L.A. nightclub last August. I repeat, will NOT be filing charges. I’m guessing that like me, the D.A. spends most of his free time huffing glue and paint thinner. TMZ says

The D.A. [states] that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation” [and] thought “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.”

And how is Joe Francis is taking the news that he gets off scott-free? By suing Jayde for battery, assault, negligence, slander, libel, false light and a partridge in a pear tree, naturally!

According to the lawsuit, Francis claims he was innocently walking through a crowd of people at “Guys and Dolls” nightclub in Hollywood, when Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole suddenly struck him in the head, threw a drink on him and stated, “I’m going to kill you!”

Francis claims he saw Jayde reaching for a bottle, [and] “in fear and apprehension of being struck a third time and that Nicole was going to carry out her threat to kill him,” Joe grabbed Nicole’s hair in “self-defense.”

Joe claims Nicole fell to the ground because she “lost her balance on her high heels.”

I’ve never personally had a yeast infection, but if I did, I imagine the discharge would look and smell a lot like Joe Francis. That guy is a cuntwipe of the highest order. I’m surprised he doesn’t leave a sticky white trail and burning feminine itch wherever he goes.

See Jayde naked here and here.

There were reports earlier this week that David Hasselhoff had been hospitalized for an “ear infection,” which, as it turns out, is actually a PR agent’s way of saying “he was piss-fucking-drunk.” The Hoff had to be rushed to London’s Capio Nightingale Hospital on Monday after bashing a doctor in the face in drunken rage. The Sun says

The bender began at the weekend at Simon Cowell’s posh birthday party. [Hasselhoff] got smashed and was escorted out of a side door and back to the hotel.

A source said: “On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed – ruining two mattresses – and was becoming a real pain for staff. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”

Hasselhoff then lashed out when he was confronted by the physician – accidentally decking Dr Paul Ettlinger.

Well, they were kind of asking for it, don’t you think? I mean, you don’t cage a wild beast and then expect it to come with you willingly. You have to coax it out gently with a trail of savory morsels and treats. In this case, tiny Jagermeister bottles and pictures of boobs. That’s the only way I managed to get my husband out of the drainage ditch the night before our wedding.

Remember when Joe Francis was accused of attacking Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole at Guys and Dolls back in August? Her lawsuit claimed that Francis assaulted her by “pulling on her hair from behind and violently throwing her to the ground like a rag-doll,” leaving her with a “black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, bruised arms and legs, and ripped-out hair.” To which Joe Francis responded

“Jayde Nicole is an absolute and total liar. Her prior statements about the incident are not only slanderous and defamatory, but actionable.

The only thing that Jayde Nicole is famous for is having a tattoo of the word ‘respect’ above her vagina… for which we all know she has none of.”

Yeah, not so much. The security footage from that night clearly shows Francis walking up to Jayde from behind, grabbing a fistful of her hair, then yanking her to the ground and sweeping the floor with her. Exactly like she said. Jesus, Joe Francis is such a faggot. Only vindictive drag queens and women in beer commercials fight like that. I’m surprised his maxipad didn’t fall out in the melee.

NSFW Playboy pics:

Tila Tequila made a point to display her Shawne Merriman-inspired bruises for all the paps’ cameras in her first public appearance since the alleged beating on Sunday. Big fucking deal, right? A couple of lateral bruises on the upper arms. Psshhht. I’m pretty sure Nicole Brown Simpson would have called that shit “foreplay.”

San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman of the was taken into custody over the weekend after allegedly choking media whore Tila Tequila at his home. TMZ says

San Diego Sheriff’s deputies responded to a call [Sunday] morning at 3:45 AM [in which] Tila claimed [to have been] “choked and physically restrained” by Merriman after she tried to leave his residence.

Tila was transported to a local hospital while Merriman was taken into custody. [He] is accused of battery and false imprisonment.

Merriman denied all the charges against him, claiming that Tila was “extremely inebriated” and he had only tried to prevent her from leaving because she was in no state to drive a vehicle. He said in a statement

“On September 6, 2009 the San Diego Sheriff’s Department responded to a citizen’s complaint that was initiated by Tila Nguyen (aka Tila Tequila). I was taken into custody based upon that complaint. At the time, I was concerned about her welfare given the intoxicated state she appeared to be in and I encouraged her to stay until safe transportation could be provided.

We would all do our best to help a friend if we considered their actions to be detrimental to their personal safety. I in no way caused any harm to Ms. Nguyen, however, paramedics were called and she was examined but no injuries were reported. She was released and has since returned to Los Angeles, California.

There have been no charges filed against me. I want to thank the San Diego Sheriff’s Department for their professionalism. I will continue to cooperate fully with the Department, and I look forward to clearing my name regarding these false allegations. I want to put this behind me so I can continue to focus on a successful season for the San Diego Chargers.”

Look, if you want to make a Leprechaun grant you a wish, all you have to do is catch it. Choking is only necessary if they’re trying to get a hold of your marshmallow cereal.

With a big snake in Polish CKM: