Former Sports Illustrated model and “Planet of the Apes” star Estella Warren is in jail today after hitting three parked cars while driving drunk in L.A. last night. But wait — it gets better! After she was arrested for DUI, she then kicked the arresting officer and even managed to escape police custody by shimmying out of her handcuffs. I believe the term we’re looking for here is “balls-out.” TMZ says:

Warren was driving [just before midnight] in L.A. when she struck 3 parked cars in her Toyota Prius. Warren drove away but cops spotted her and placed her under arrest for driving under the influence, though not before she resisted and kicked an officer.

Warren was taken to the police station in handcuffs, and during the booking process she managed to get out of her handcuffs and then run out the back door! Warren was quickly recaptured.

Warren is being booked for felony escape, assault, hit and run and DUI.

As one law enforcement source [said], “She was really hammered.” Warren’s bail has set at $100,000.

You’d think Estella would be happy that she proved her agent wrong by actually getting arrested in this town after “Kangaroo Jack,” but no. Some people just don’t appreciate irony.

Oh, look — Estella’s boobs!:

Despite surveillance videos that show him drunkenly staggering around a tattoo shop and shoving his wife because he couldn’t remember where he lived, 47-year-old Nicolas Cage will not be charged in connection with his April 16th arrest for domestic abuse and disturbing the peace arrest in New Orleans. Boy, color me surprised. Radar Online says:

“The New Orleans District Attorney has confirmed that no charges of any kind will be pursued against him,” Cage’s attorney Harry Rosenberg told People. “After their investigation, the DAs refused all charges against Nic and the matter has been closed.

“We are pleased that the process led to the correct result, despite inaccurate media reports, and that Nic has been cleared and all charges have been dropped.”

Well, it’s not like they had a slam-dunk case against him or anything. All they had were eye-witnesses, and surveillance videos, and a blood alcohol test, and a mugshot that shows he was too fucked up to open his eyes. You can’t just pull a case out of thin air like that. They’re district attorneys, not magicians!

Paris Hilton’s boyfriend Cy Waits was attacked yesterday as he and Paris were walking into an L.A. courthouse to testify against a man who allegedly tried to break into her house last year. FUN FACT: the man who attacked Cy also tried to break into Paris’ house last year! Weird, huh? Amazing how many people all want to break in and disembowel Paris Hilton, including yours truly. TMZ says:

The suspect, James Rainford, was popped in front of Hilton’s pad in the Hollywood Hills back in October after sneaking on to her property and then getting in to an altercation with Paris’ private security.

Today, Rainford smacked Waits in the back of the head as Cy and Paris were walking into a hearing where Paris was set to testify against a different man who allegedly sneaked on to her property and pulled out a knife last year.

We’re told Cy’s bodyguard immediately apprehended Rainford and turned him over to LAPD.

I’m sure the first thing that crossed your mind when you read that was, “What is Cy fucking Waits doing with a bodyguard?” Jesus, what a waste of a job. The only protection that dude needs comes in the form of condoms and a shot of penicillin.

Arriving at the courthouse:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Nicolas Cage didn’t just shove his wife around the night of his drunken arrest in New Orleans last week — it seems he also found time to drop his 5-year-old son while staggering around and shouting belligerently. And people say you can’t multi-task when you’re drunk! TMZ says:

According to the police report, Cage’s wife Alice told police she and Nic had been arguing on the night of April 15 “due to his intoxicated state” when they went to pick up their son from a friend’s house.

Alice and Nic continued to argue until they arrived at their home — at which point “Mr Cage fell while holding their son. The fall caused the 5 year old to suffer a minor abrasion to his left knee.”

But a witness told cops he saw “Mr. Cage pull the male child to the ground by his hand.”

According to the report, “A child abuse detective was notified.”

Cops say they wanted to interview Cage’s son — but Alice wouldn’t let that happen.

Honestly, I’m just surprised that child protective services hasn’t been called to Nic Cage’s home sooner. He named the poor kid Kal-El, for chrissakes. Kal-El. As in Kal-El, Superman’s birth name on his home planet in the DC universe. If that’s not child abuse, I don’t know what fucking is. He could kick his kid in the balls every day of his life and it still wouldn’t be as painful as being named after The Last Son of Krypton.

Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage was arrested in New Orleans late Friday night for assaulting wife Alice Kim after getting so drunk that he couldn’t remember where he lived. Bystanders called the cops after watching him attempt to forcibly drag her down the street to a residence that was not their own. Local police said in a statement:

“Cage and his wife were standing in front of a residence that he insisted was the property the couple was renting.

She disagreed, and Cage grabbed her by the upper arm and pulled her to what he believed was the correct address. The actor then began striking vehicles and later attempted to get into a taxi.

At that point, an officer who had been flagged down by onlookers drove up on the couple and ordered him out of the cab, which prompted Cage to start yelling. The officers subsequently took Cage to Central Lock-up.

The officer [noted] that Cage was heavily intoxicated [and] charged [him] with one count of domestic violence and one count of public drunkenness.

And here I thought Nicolas Cage couldn’t sink any lower than he did with Wicker Man. That mug shot alone is probably worth like seven Captain Corelli’s Mandolins and three Bangkok Dangerouses at least.

After much huffing and puffing and making like they’re gonna blow her house down, the Riverside County District Attorney has decided not to file charges against Lindsay Lohan for assaulting a Betty Ford staff member late last year. TMZ says:

Sources tell us the D.A. believes there is “insufficient evidence” to prosecute Lindsay.

The Palm Desert Police Department had been investigating the confrontation between Lindsay and former staffer Dawn Holland, but ultimately the D.A. felt the firepower wasn’t there.

So Lindsay only has one criminal case in play now.

So this gets swept under the rug and she pays absolutely no consequences for it whatsoever. Shocking. Fortunately, her felony grand theft case is still pending, and her window of opportunity for taking a plea deal has already closed, so she’ll be putting her fate into the hands of people who were too stupid to get out of jury duty. She better pray none of them saw “I Know Who Killed Me.”

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael was arrested last night after beating up his new girlfriend. TMZ says:

Lohan’s girlfriend filed a report with the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department claiming they got into an argument that turned physical… and she had some visible marking from the alleged incident.

Cops went out and tracked down Lohan — and arrested him on suspicion of domestic violence.

Lohan will be charged with domestic violence, false imprisonment, preventing the reporting of victimization.

I hope his girlfriend got a couple of slaps in for his jeans being so goddamn tight. Seriously, what the hell? And don’t lets forget the understated elegance and panache that a muscle shirt brings to the table. It’s a look only an out-of-work porn star circa 1982 could love.

Lindsay at JFK with her mother last week:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

As a sarcastic follow-up to that previously unreleased photo of Rihanna taken the night then-boyfriend Chris Brown beat the living hell out of her, Media Take Out has released a new never-before-seen photo of the injury Chris Brown sustained the night in question. I guess that ruler there and the sad face he’s making means he’s supposed to have a busted lip. Just how it looks different from his lip every other day of the week is a mystery to me. What, a black guy with big lips? Well, I never! You could hit a black dude in the mouth with a brick and pound his nose flat into his face, and unless there’s blood, I’d just assume that’s what he already looked like to begin with.

The fired Betty Ford worker who accused Lindsay Lohan of criminal battery last month has suddenly and mysteriously fired her attorney and decided not to pursue criminal charges. I’m sure the $25,000 check Lindsay’s people cut her is just a happy coincidence. Radar Online says:

“[Betty Ford staffer Dawn Holland] agreed to a $25,000 payment from someone directly associated with Lohan’s camp,” [said] a source with knowledge of the situation, “and [she will not] be assisting any further in the investigation or prosecution.”

The source stopped short of saying that the payment to Holland was struck to buy her silence and cooperation, a situation that would likely have legal repercussions.

The DA still has not made a decision on possible charges against Lohan from the Betty Ford incident and a Beverly Hills judge could still find that the troubled star violated probation.

So, just to get this straight, she bought off her assault victim for twenty-five grand in order to keep her from testifying against her in court. I guess they only call it “witness tampering” when Italians do it.

Leaving a gym last week:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

The cops are investigating Lindsay Lohan for criminal battery today after she allegedly shoved a Betty Ford worker the night she went out boozing with her fellow satellite house mates. TMZ says:

Dawn Holland, who works as a chemical dependency technician at the Betty Ford Clinic, [says] just after 1 AM, Lindsay and two roommates came home… and jumped a wall, trying to get inside the place she was staying without being noticed.

Holland says security stopped the three women, and that’s when Lindsay became belligerent and started swearing up a storm.

Holland was called to do a breathalyzer on the 3 women, but Lindsay refused and then pushed her. Holland says she went back in the house and Lindsay called 911 on the house phone.

Lindsay confronted her again and ripped the phone out of her hand, causing a severe sprain which caused Holland to go out on workers’ comp.

Holland says she could smell alcohol on Lindsay’s breath.

But Lindsay’s version, of course, is slightly different:

Lindsay says she wasn’t even with her two roommates hours before the incident. Lindsay says she was out getting her hair done.

When she returned to the house, Holland grabbed her abruptly and pushed her so hard, Lindsay began to cry.

Lindsay says that’s when she went inside the house and called 911.

As for refusing to take a breathalyzer, Lindsay says she actually asked Holland to give her a test but Holland refused.

Lindsay claims there were not only witnesses that saw everything … there are surveillance cameras to prove her story.

The good news for Lindsay in all this is that Dawn Holland’s story is looking more and more shady (first she gets fired for violating patient confidentiality by talking to TMZ; and then it comes out that TMZ paid her $10,000 to talk to them in the first place; and then her former husband tells the press she is an “opportunistic gold-digger with a violent past”). The other good news for Lindsay is that she’s a celebrity and it’s L.A. So basically, it’s all good news. Just keep doing what you’re doing, Lindsay!

Olivia Wilde in Details magazine, because… honestly, do I even need to explain?:

Another audio tape of Britney Spears telling her ex-husband Jason Alexander that her new boyfriend Jason Trawick beats her was released today (listen to it here). Radar Online says:

“Why isn’t he in jail baby?” Spears’ ex-husband Jason Alexander is heard asking the 28-year-old on the tape.

Spears responded: “Because I didn’t want the public knowing about it and I didn’t want to file anything, so everyone could find out. So I’ve just left him and changed my number.”

But Britney’s manager Larry Rudolph, who is threatening to sue both Star Magazine (who first broke the story) and Radar (who posted the tapes), went on Access Hollywood last night and stated unequivocally that the tape is a fake. According to TMZ:

The Chairman of the Audio Engineering Society Standards Committee of Forensic Audio [says] the tape was “doctored” to such a severe extent [that] there’s no way to conduct a meaningful voice-recognition test.

The tape has been “stepped on at least 3 times.” With noise reduction, equalization and removal of voice qualities such as natural timbre, sibilance and tonal qualities, it’s impossible to determine whether Britney’s voice is on the tape.

Which sounds pretty convincing… except for this little glitch:

But Alexander, who was married to Spears for 55-hours in 2004, passed a polygraph test.

Seeing as how he passed the lie-detector test, I’d say it’s definitely Britney on the tape… which means there’s definitely some hitting involved. But I have a feeling it’s not your traditional wife-beating kind of hitting. More like a few “get a hold of yourself, woman!” kinda slaps when she starts muttering in a British accent and rummaging around for the #2 guard and the clippers. And maybe a couple of hand smacks when she’s about to touch a hot stove.

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PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Britney Spears’ agent-turned-boyfriend Jason Trawick has been credited with helping turn the pop star’s life around and keep her mentally stable, but there are those who are suggesting he might have been beating the sanity into her this whole time. Those as in Britney herself, in a phone conversation recorded by her ex-husband Jason Alexander and subsequently leaked (listen here) onto the interwebs. Radar Online says:

[In] Star magazine’s audio of Alexander and Britney talking, Britney plainly states that Trawick beat her.

Alexander says: “How’s your problems with your fiancé?”

Britney answers: “That (bleep) is not my fiancé.”

Alexander: “I thought he proposed to you or something at the beach.”

Britney: “Before or after he beat on me?”

The beating is also referenced later in the conversation.

“Britney is in an abusive relationship,” [said] Alexander, who has remained friends with the singer since their 55-hour marriage in 2004. “She told me her life had turned into a nightmare.”

Funny, I didn’t know “Trawick” was an Irish name. There’s usually that O and an apostrophe at the beginning to warn you that they will beat you retarded once they’ve finished that bottle of whiskey. It’s like the rattlesnake’s rattle, except with more vomiting.