CNN’s closet gay Anderson Cooper and his camera crew were attacked in Cairo yesterday after they decided to take an afternoon constitutional past a herd of angry Egyptians. I can’t imagine where it all went wrong. Us Magazine says:

The news anchor, 43, and his team were besieged by an angry mob of pro-government forces — supporters of Egypt’s controversial President Mubarak — near the ancient city’s Tahrir Square.

“My team were set upon by the crowd,” Cooper said on CNN this morning via telephone. “There was no rhyme or reason to it–it was just people looking for a fight, looking to make a point, and punching us.”

A Twitter post reports that Anderson was punched ten times in the head. Cooper, who is reportedly alright despite the attack, added that the crowd unsuccessfully attempted to take his crew’s camera.

This is just my crackpot theory, but perhaps if you’re the rich white poster child for the Great Satan, you might not want to traipse through an angry mob in a Middle Eastern country embroiled in political unrest. Save that for someone more equipped to deal social instability. Like Paris Hilton, for example.

Former “America’s Next Top Model” winner Adrianne Curry was reportedly groped by a drunk guy outside of a Star Wars convention over the weekend. See if you can guess what she was wearing. Hint: it wasn’t a Bib Fortuna costume! TMZ says:

Curry called police around 3:00 AM on Sunday to report the incident that allegedly went down in front of the hotel where the Star Wars expo was going down.

The officer who arrived claims he “came in contact with the male as he lay in the bushes at the entrance to the hotel.”

[A witness] said the suspect “attempted several times to fight several other people as they stood outside waiting to be picked up for the Star Wars convention.”

The man was eventually arrested for disorderly intoxication.

Curry later Tweeted, “cops are here..molesting pervert drunk in the back of their car…going to bed … i cannot believe last night happened….love starwars…but ready to leave.”

Of course she was pissed. The guy did it all wrong. You don’t just beeline straight for the puss like a damn Tusken Raider on a krayt dragon. You’re supposed to run your tongue over your lips and say, “Soon you will learn to appreciate me” in guttural Huttese and laugh menacingly. Fucking amateurs!

Because her entire career is bantha poodoo:

Armed assailants kidnapped and robbed “Party of Five” star (?) Jeremy London last weekend, held him hostage in his own car and forced him to smoke crystal meth for five hours straight. Boy, if I had a nickel… Radar Online says:

London, 37, was attempting to change a flat tire on his vehicle when two men stopped to help him on the evening of Thursday, June 10.

The kidnappers forcibly took London — who played Griffin Holbrook on Party of Five and Chandler Hampton on 7th Heaven — and drove him around in his own vehicle while terrorizing him at gun point.

Somehow a stunned London managed to escape at around 3 o’clock the next morning.

“He was forced to smoke dope– crack cocaine or amphetamines — and then purchase booze and hand it out in a gang area of Palm Springs,” Sergeant Douglas [said].

London’s car was later found in a notorious neighborhood of Palm Springs where one of the kidnappers lived.

This is obviously really what happened. It’s not like London has a history of lying and drug abuse and pill problems or anything. Oh, wait:

The kidnapping came after a torrid period for the actor, who has admitted to a drug abuse problem.

London was arrested in the spring of 2004 for allegedly driving with a suspended license and for carrying controlled substances.

[He also] went to a rehabilitation center last September to face his battle with prescription pills.

He is currently going through a divorce from actress Melissa Cunningham, whom he married in September 2006.

“Jeremy said he did what he had to do not to end up shot or dead,” a source close to the Hollywood actor [said].

Oh, so the cops buy the old “held-at-gunpoint” excuse now, do they? Funny, when I tell the Oklahoma City police that I haven’t been drinking, that what really happened was these Russian thugs held me at gunpoint and poured vodka down my throat before stuffing the quarter bag in my pocket, and that I was only speeding because they told me they had tied a bag of kittens to a keg of dynamite in the basement of a strip club in Tullahoma and every second we wasted administering “field sobriety tests” was putting them that much closer to certain death, I still go to jail anyways. Explain to me how that shit works. I guess I’m just not famous enough to blatantly lie out of my ass.

Celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton alledgedly got his ass beat by Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.i.am (douche in the faggy sunglasses on the far right here) and his security guards last night at the Much Music Awards in Toronto. Around 3 a.m., Hilton tweeted

• PerezHilton: I’m in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.

• PerezHilton: I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.

• PerezHilton: Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel.

Will.I.am then created his own Twitter account in response to the accusations made by Hilton, writing

“i just made a twitter account because it isnt cool for someone to blame you and blast you with lies. I was the one that came to him with respect, and he was the one who called me a faggot outside the club.”

Of course Perez Hilton got assaulted last night. Just take a look at what he was wearing, for Chrissakes. It’s the magical outfit equivalent of a giant kick-me sign. I’m just surprised no one took him down sooner.

Watch Will. I. Am’s response video here.

UPDATE: Watch Perez’ hilarious sobbing video here.

Perez and the Black Eyed Peas on the red carpet, plus some of the Black Eyed Peas rehearsing before the show: