Working for former “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul is about as much fun as waxing Simon Cowell’s taint. Just ask anybody who ever worked for her — they’ll tell you. She’s completely batshit insane. A former assistant told Us Magazine:

Each assistant must carry and use a tape recorder at all times “because she doesn’t trust her own conversations,” the source says.

“She also makes them check the TiVo for any mention of her and put it on a DVD.”

The “Forever Your Girl” singer also needed constant reminders that she is a “warrior, survivor and gift,” adds the insider.

Additionally, staff members are expected to explain things using hand puppets on “bad days,” as well as claim responsibility for all of Paula’s farts when out in public.

Singer Christina Milian’s marriage to producer The Dream has gone the way of Le Conte’s peccary, namely because the ass he’s squeezing in the above picture doesn’t belong to his wife. Married women sorta have a “thing” about that. The Daily Mail says:

It comes just six months after the pair welcomed their first child, Violet Madison Nash.

The split was announced after photos surfaced of The Dream – real name, Terius Hagert Youngdell Nash – holidaying with another woman, believed to be his assistant, Melissa Santiago.

It has also been claimed that the pair’s marriage actually ended late last year, but they decided to keep it private to protect their daughter.

The first question that came to my mind was, “Who and who again?” And then I thought, “Why is today so goddamn boring?” and “Where did I put that bottle of Jack?” and then, “Seriously, are you guys still reading this?” And then I laughed at you, and then I drank some more; and then I felt sorry for you, and then I drank some more; and at that point, I started screaming at the top of my lungs that I loved you and hated you all at once, and by God, you weren’t gonna threaten me, because I would blow your stupid Russian head clean off your fucking shoulders you stupid ungrateful cunt who has… no…. sooooouuul!! AAAAAAUUUGGHHHH!

On second thought, that might have been Mel Gibson. My mistake.

Her stellar record with hired help keeps coming back to bite her in the ass — Lindsay Lohan’s personal assistant quit yesterday after less than ninety days on the job. The Daily Mail says:

Celebrity spotters had an unusual sight today – Lindsay Lohan running around, doing her own errands.

The actress was waiting for her car to be valeted after her assistant quit. [The assistant] allegedly handed in her notice after just a few months because she was ‘exhausted’ after being constantly on call.

She ‘had enough of Lindsay’s demands… Lindsay would often force her to stay with her for days on end and then blame her when things went wrong,’ TMZ reported.

In other news, just two weeks off the sauce and the coke and Lindsay Lohan’s gained a good ten pounds. I’m pretty sure only Mujahideen backpacks blow up that fast.

Running her own errands in L.A. yesterday:

Meet “Late Show” assistant Stephanie Birkitt — the woman unknowingly at the center of the extortion case against David Letterman and the former girlfriend of “48 Hours” Robert “Joe” Halderman, the man accused of doing the actual blackmailing. Confused? Good. Radar Online says

Stephanie Birkitt met Halderman at CBS about 15 years ago. At the time, Halderman was in one of his two past marriages, and Halderman did not have a relationship with Birkitt.

Birkitt later got a job on Letterman’s show and has worked there for more than a decade, often appearing on air.

Our source [say] that Birkitt and Letterman slept together for a period of time before he married his girlfriend Regina had their son Harry. After Halderman divorced, the source says he got involved with Stephanie and she lived with him in Connecticut.

The source says Birkitt told Halderman that she had had sex with Letterman.

So it seems that while they were living together (and without her consent), Halderman went through Birkitt’s personal effects for proof of hers and Letterman’s affair to use to blackmail the talk show host, including

Copies of parts of a diary and correspondence belonging to Birkitt, [along with] documents, letters, emails and photos.

Jesus, I didn’t know anyone other than 8th grade girls kept actual diaries. What a stupid idea. I guess you never know when all your puffy hearts and triple-underlined “Mrs. Stephanie Lettermans” will come back to bite you in the ass.

Olivia Wilde arriving to The Late Show: