Olympic silver medalist Nancy Kerrigan’s brother Mark plead not guilty to one charge of “assault and battery on an elder with serious bodily injury” after being implicated in the death of their 70-year-old father, Daniel. TMZ says

Cops say Nancy Kerrigan’s brother Mark admitted he put his hands around his father’s neck and thought his dad was faking it when he fell to the ground. Daniel Kerrigan suffered a heart attack during the altercation and died.

[Police reports say] Mark “appeared intoxicated” and “became belligerent and combative” when cops tried handcuffing him yesterday, so an officer pepper sprayed him.

Mark’s lawyer said that Mark suffers from post traumatic stress disorder from his stint in the Army, and has been living in his parent’s basement after spending time in jail for assault and battery related charges.

And in this time of trial and tribulation, who better to offer words of comfort to Nancy than the chick who hired thugs to bash her knee in? Former ice skating champ Tonya Harding released the following statement to the The Insider

“Tonya feels very sad for Nancy and her family and extends her deepest sympathy and condolences to them. Tonya’s beloved dad, Al Harding, passed away this past April, so she understands the grief Nancy and her family are feeling at this difficult time.”

However, Tonya still doesn’t know how it feels to be a USFSA champion, since she was banned from the association for life and stripped of her titles in 1994. But if Nancy ever needs to know what it feels like to be fat and make a sex tape, well, then, Tonya’s definitely her girl.

Nancy at the “Blades of Glory” premiere several years ago, and then the ESPN post-attack video for the sadist in you after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

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When greasy buffoon Brad Ferro isn’t busy sucker-punching chicks in the face or dumping quarts of gel in his hair, he spends most of his time educating America’s youth courtesy of your tax dollars. We might as well go ahead and surrender to the Japanese now. According to Page Six

Ferro, 24, was arrested in late August for punching out [fellow Jersey Shore star] Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi at the Beachcomber Bar & Grill in Seaside Heights.

Ferro, a teacher at North Queens Community HS, was initially told to lay off the booze by bouncers at the bar because he seemed too drunk, [but] Ferro managed to stay inside the bar and [later] swiped shots belonging to Polizzi that had been placed on the bar top.

“That started a verbal altercation, after which he struck her in the face,” [police] said. “She sustained an injury to the inside of her mouth due to the punch.”

So he got drunk and punched her in the face? I don’t see what the big deal is. I’m pretty sure that’s just how men propose in Italy. I swear, people can be so ignorant of other cultures sometimes.

Over a year and a half after it happened, Rihanna is finally opening up about the beating Chris Brown gave her in next month’s issue of Glamour magazine. She says in the interview (via Reuters):

On the ordeal with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown: “I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the
next day.”

On her message to young women: “My story was broadcast all over the world for
people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women.”

On how she made it back: “My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and everyone has been there for me. But at some point you are there alone. It’s a lonely place to be — no one can understand. That’s when you get close to God.”

Another time you get close to God? When you wake up bleeding from the anus in a drainage ditch off I-40 without any pants or memory of the last three days and there’s two men in overalls with shovels standing over you. Let me tell you, Jesus and I were never closer.

Remember when Joe Francis was accused of attacking Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole at Guys and Dolls back in August? Her lawsuit claimed that Francis assaulted her by “pulling on her hair from behind and violently throwing her to the ground like a rag-doll,” leaving her with a “black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, bruised arms and legs, and ripped-out hair.” To which Joe Francis responded

“Jayde Nicole is an absolute and total liar. Her prior statements about the incident are not only slanderous and defamatory, but actionable.

The only thing that Jayde Nicole is famous for is having a tattoo of the word ‘respect’ above her vagina… for which we all know she has none of.”

Yeah, not so much. The security footage from that night clearly shows Francis walking up to Jayde from behind, grabbing a fistful of her hair, then yanking her to the ground and sweeping the floor with her. Exactly like she said. Jesus, Joe Francis is such a faggot. Only vindictive drag queens and women in beer commercials fight like that. I’m surprised his maxipad didn’t fall out in the melee.

NSFW Playboy pics:

Tila Tequila made a point to display her Shawne Merriman-inspired bruises for all the paps’ cameras in her first public appearance since the alleged beating on Sunday. Big fucking deal, right? A couple of lateral bruises on the upper arms. Psshhht. I’m pretty sure Nicole Brown Simpson would have called that shit “foreplay.”

Girls Gone Wild douchebag Joe Francis “punched and kicked” Playboy’s 2008 Playmate of the Year Jayde Nicole in an assault at an L.A. nightclub last night. TMZ says

According to [Jayde's boyfriend Brody] Jenner, he and Jayde were at the club celebrating his birthday, when Jayde saw Francis hitting on an ex-girlfriend of his (Francis’), Jenner says “unrelentingly.” Jayde felt he was harassing the woman — whom Jayde and Brody know — and she threw a drink on Francis.

Jenner says Francis then pulled Jayde’s hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her. Security broke it up and Francis got dragged away — Brody followed.

Jenner then saw Joe, punched him in the face, and then someone tased him and he fell to the ground. Francis left the scene.

Jayde [says] she will press charges against Francis. Jayde has a black and blue cheek, her face is swollen, she has a bruised left rib and her lower abdomen is sore. Some of her hair also got pulled out.

Wow. Just… wow. Give me a moment to collect my thoughts here. I might need to pace around with my fingers interlocked behind my head. I mean, are we talking about Joe Francis here? The same Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild? Because that Joe Francis is always such a class act. Really, he’s never shown any indication that he has anything other than the utmost respect and admiration for women. This is all just coming straight out of left field.

Old NSFW Playboy pics:

Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bodyguard assaulted a man who dared to take their picture while they were on vacation in Dubrovnik yesterday. NY Daily News says

The couple’s bodyguard had a scuffle with a Croatian paparazzo Tuesday night, tossing the photog’s tripod into the sea. Jay and his muscle gave paps the finger while speeding off in their motorboat.

A rep for the rapper declined to comment.

You know, if this had taken place in the United States instead of Croatia, and Jay-Z were white and the paparazzo were black, this would qualify as a “hate crime” and Jay-Z would get a minimum of six years in a state penitentiary. But it’s an Eastern Bloc nation and Jay-Z’s the black guy, so all that Croatian dude will get is a big “fuck you.” Celebrity justice at its finest!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Rage-fueled supermodel Naomi Campbell is at it again! According to the NY Daily News

Naomi has been accused of attacking a photographer and putting him in the hospital during a holiday in Italy with her billionaire boyfriend. The photog claims: “First she hit with her bag, screaming at me, and then she tried to slap me. I managed to avoid her – but her nails still got my eye.”

Although formal charges have not been filed, it stands to reason that Naomi did assault the photographer. Like this time she assaulted a stewardess on British Airways. Or this time she scratched up her therapist. Or this time she chucked a cell phone at her housekeeper. Hey, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, watch out, because it might just be Naomi Campbell in a duck costume. I wouldn’t go poking it with sticks or making eye contact or anything.

On holiday in Italy with billionaire boyfriend Mikhail Prokhorov:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Remember when Perez Hilton got punched right in his big fat puss at the Much Music Awards earlier this week? Remember how he called Will. I. Am “faggot” and “motherfucking liar” and swore up and down that it was Will. I. Am who assaulted him? Yeah, not so much. Turns out the man who struck Perez was Will. I. Am’s road manager Polo Molina, and now Perez is filing a civil lawsuit against him. TMZ says

Hilton is suing Polo Molina for battery and an intentional infliction of emotional distress. The suit wants payback in excess of $25,000.

Hilton’s attorney released the following statement:

“Perez Hilton files this lawsuit to protect his freedom of speech and seeks legal redress against those who have physically assaulted him because they do not like his review of their album. Whether you love Perez or hate him, he is entitled to his freedom of speech without fear of physical violence. This lawsuit will make the statement that violence is never the answer.”

And now, Perez is apologizing — not to the man he wrongly accused of assault; not to the woman he called a “fugly bitch” and on whom he routinely draws wieners; not to GLAAAD for his using of a homophobic slur; not to Isaiah Washington for publicly campaigning for his termination from “Grey’s Anatomy” for having said the word “faggot;” and not to Jesse Metcalfe for writing that Metcalfe deserved the beating he got outside a Hollywood night club last year — but to himself, for being such a poor helpless victim. He writes on his site:

I am speaking out because I realize that the last few days have been more hurtful to me – and many others – than the repeated blows I suffered to my head in Toronto this past weekend.

I am sorry that any good work I have done for promoting equality may be tainted by me reclaiming a hurtful word – that’s been personally used against me and the gay community – to hurt someone that was verbally attacking me. It was stupid.

The “F” word will never be uttered from my lips again. I challenge [others] to remove it from their vocabulary as well.

I should have been the bigger man and walked away from an unfortunate situation. Instead, I chose… to stand up for myself and only made things worse by how I – under pressure, anger and extreme emotion – handled the situation.

I am NOT apologizing to GLAAD. I could care less about them, my former employers.

I am apologizing to the gay community and to all the people who have ever emailed me to thank me for all that I have done to fight for gay rights over the last few years.

I will be donating any money collected from my lawsuit against Polo Molina, road manager for the Black Eyed Peas, to the Matthew Shepard Foundation.

And I will continue to speak out for equality and support the great work done by LGBT organizations, such as LAMBDA Legal and HRC.

Sincerely,
Perez

I really think the cab driver in “Old School” said it best: “I recommend you stop being such a faggot.” It’s the very same advice I gave my kid when I dropped him off at summer camp.

You’d think after seven seasons of “24″ everyone would know by now that you just don’t fuck with Jack Bauer. Period. But a prissy little Proenza Schouler designer chose his own fate when he refused to apologize to Brooke Shields after knocking her to the ground in front of JackBauer Kiefer Sutherland Monday night. According to TMZ

It happened at an after-party for the Met costume gala last night. Witnesses say the alleged victim — Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough — allegedly knocked Brooke Shields over and Kiefer saw it happen. The witnesses say Kiefer went over to the man and told him to apologize to her. At that point they say McCollough pushed Kiefer and the actor responded with a headbutt.

In a world rife with politically correct metrosexuals, it’s absolutely panty-moistening to see a man’s man step up in defense of a woman’s honor. And they say chivalry is dead! Apparently they’ve never heard of Jack Bauer.

With his girlfriend pre-headbutt at the Costume Gala:

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Joaquin Phoenix gave another stunning rap performance in the Fontainebleau Hotel in Miami last night, and by “stunning” I mean “Joaquin was forcibly dragged away by security guards after charging a heckler in the audience.” You know — stunning! According to the Daily Mail

The Walk the Line actor [jumped] off stage to confront an audience member during a short performance [in Miami Wednesday] night. Security guards dragged him back on stage and escorted him away after he came face-to-face with a male in the crowd who was heckling him.

It was not immediately clear whether the two men exchanged any blows.

I sure as hell hope nobody paid to see that performance, because you could hang around the alley behind my apartment for free and get an equally palatable performance from the schizophrenic hobo that lives behind the dumpster. Instead of rapping, he’ll probably just flail his arms like a windmill and try to urinate on you, but I figure getting pissed on by a crazy vagrant is just as good as seeing Joaquin perform live when you really stop and think about it.

FF to the 28 second mark for the good stuff.

PHOTO SOURCE: Mavrix Photo

The signature scar running down Tina Fey’s left cheek is not the result of a wayward whip-cracking or a battle with a Jedi-trained Rattataki female like you probably thought. The NY Daily News reveals

The 38-year-old comedienne was attacked by a stranger in a violent slashing incident when she was five. “It was in, like, the front yard of her house, and somebody who just came up,” Fey’s husband says in an interview with Vanity Fair.

Fey says she doesn’t like to rehash the incident because “it’s impossible to talk about it without somehow seemingly exploiting it and glorifying it… I’m kind of able to forget about [the scar], until I was on-camera, and it became a thing of ‘Oh, I guess we should use this side’ or whatever.”

That just goes to show you the power of a name. Get knifed in the face and your name is upbeat and perky, chances are good that you’ll still live a life of success. Get knifed in the face and your name is something like “Solomon Grundy” or “Oswald Cobblepot,” and you’re going to end up plotting your revenge from a sewer with flippers instead of hands. That’s precisely why no comic book villains are ever named “Tina.” Fact.

Tina Fey in Vanity Fair: