Audrina Patridge dons a variety of swimming suits you could never actually go swimming in for the August issue of FHM UK, and since it’s a summer issue, they stick with seasonally appropriate wanking fare. There’s the requisite “girl sucking on lollipop… in a bikini!” and the ever-popular “girl licking an ice cream cone… in a bikini!,” and don’t let’s forget “girl fellating a coke bottle with a straw… in a bikini!” Hope you like masturbating to cliches and banality.

Former Hills star Audrina Patridge and her mother hit the beach in Santa Monica to film some new scenes for her new sure-to-suck reality show, which premieres later this month on Vh1. Her mom’s in really good shape and they look a lot alike, which inevitably leads to uninspired MILF and mother-daughter tag team jokes, but let me tell you, watching your mother have sex is no laughing matter. Granted, I was only four, and technically, I wasn’t so much “watching” as I was “cowering under her bed with my thumb in my mouth and crying,” but still. I don’t remember thinking it was funny at all.

I don’t actually know what “Bongo” is. I assume it’s some kind of cheap polyester-blend clothing line marketed at teen girls with low self-esteem and poorly-executed plastic surgery. What I do know is that girls do NOT like it when you tell them you’d like to pound on their ass like you were playing the bongos. Especially if you’re demonstrating said phenomenon on yourself while saying it.

Audrina Patridge and her bongos for Bongo (see what I did there? High five!):

There were lots of celebrities doing the red carpet thing at the MTV Video Music Awards last night. Like “Twilight’s” Ashley Greene, who looked fantastic. She’s like some kind of sexy present in that dress. And speaking of sexy presents, my birthday is coming up, soooo… if any of you were wondering, this is exactly what I want. But I want the one with the real kung-fu grip. And also any cowgirl/sexy nurse accessories she might come with.

TONS more red carpet pics after the jump:

Katy Perry:

Ke$ha:

Lady Gaga:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

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In news that you’re guaranteed not to give a shit about, unwed teenage mother Bristol Palin has joined the cast of season 11′s “Dancing with the D-listers Has-Beens Nobodies Stars.” Star Magazine says:

Bristol Palin — daughter of Sarah Palin and baby mama of Levi Johnston — will be hitting the dance floor on the upcoming 11th season of Dancing With the Stars.

She will join The Hills’ Audrina Patridge, Dirty Dancing’s Jennifer Grey and The Brady Bunch’s Florence Henderson.

The full list of DWTS constants will be announced during The Bachelor Pad on Monday night. The series will premiere Sept. 20 on ABC.

I’m sure this little stint on DWTS will open a whole world of opportunity for her. Like doing the commentary for Tru TV’s “World’s Dumbest Criminals” or telling me how the folks at Dobbs Nissan-Suzuki don’t care if you have bad credit or no credit — repossession or bankruptcy, you’re still approved!

Demonstrating that satin is NOT her friend at some charity event last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

A group of spoiled rich teenage girls living in Calabasas were arrested on late last week in connection with the robberies of Lindsay Lohan (here), Paris Hilton (here), Audrina Patridge (here) and Orlando Bloom (here) over the last year. People magazine says

Rachel Lee, 19, Diana Tamayo, 19, Courtney Ames, 18, Alexis Neiers, 18, and Nicholas Prugo, 18, launched into a year-long crime spree in which thousands of dollars of designer clothes, jewelry, bags and other luxury items were taken [from the aforementioned celebrities]. All fingers point to 19-year-old Lee as the alleged ringleader, who had an apparent fascination with Hollywood fashion.

The gang allegedly located the addresses of celebrities using Hollywood star maps and the Internet, and calculated when the stars wouldn’t be home based on their appearance schedules.

Giving the arrests another Hollywood twist, after Neiers posted bail, she was picked up by her sister, Playboy model Tess Taylor, who showed up at the jail early Friday morning with a camera crew in tow. Taylor and Neiers are the subject of a reality show pilot for E!.

My hard-hitting journalistic flair for truth makes it easy to cut through all the “background information” and “facts” in this story and get to what really counts: boobs. Namely, that one chick’s Playboy model sister’s boobs. I can almost smell the Pulitzer from here!

Check out more of Tess naked at Playboy’s Cyber Club (all thumbs NSFW):

Here’s Audrina Patridge doing the only thing she knows how to do: strip down, show off her ginormous fake rack, and suck on whatever comes within the general vicinity of her mouth.  In this specific instance, Audrina just so happens to be sucking on the new Six Dollar Teriyaki Burger from Carl’s Jr, which she’s shilling in an ad very similar to the one Paris Hilton did a few years ago.  Of filming the ad, Audrina tells People:

“I had an absolute blast shooting. It was my first experience shooting a spot with food, and when I pulled up, I was literally salivating looking at all the rows and rows of perfect burgers waiting for me!” she recalls of the sandwich, available at Carl’s Jr. on June 24, the same day that the TV spot launches.

“I was cracking up because I would take a bite, and almost immediately a food handler with white gloves would have a brand new burger ready.”

I’ve never eaten at Carl’s Jr. because they don’t exist in the arctic circle, which is where I live, but if there WERE any Carl’s Jr. restaurants up here I can guarantee you this ad would do absolutely nothing to whet my appetite for some gigantic meatpile that costs more than three delicious burritos from the place that doesn’t have a sign because no one who works there speaks English or knows how to write but it doesn’t even matter because their food is so good.  As a matter of fact, probably the only thing this ad could convince me to buy would be sunscreen with SPF 950.

Okay, so yesterday I posted for myself and the rest of the ladies, so here’s one for you guys. Audrina Patridge and the rest of The Hills cast spent the day at Sunset Beach in Hawaii filming for the show, except for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. They were probably in a Big! Lots posing for a cheesy photo op.

“The Hills’” Audrina Partridge is about as fucking useless as tits on a boar. And speaking of tits on a bore (get it?), enjoy an eyeful of her big fake rack there. Niiiice. Almost makes her tolerable. She really needs to stick with the sunglasses, though. Without them, she looks like some kind of basset hound or cartoon Droopy with a boob job. And frankly, masturbating to cross-dressing interspecies cartoons is just disgusting. Except for when Bugs Bunny dressed up as a chick. Now that guy knew how to work the sexy. Rowr! Audrina Partridge’s got nothing on him.

Audrina Patridge is a useless, vapid famewhore, but she somehow managed to wrangle herself an involvement with a skit for “Chelsea Lately.” Here she is with Chuy, who is tiny and hilarious, and making Audrina at least 67% less lame by association. She seems to be loving that Speedo action. It’s just like she’s at the Olympics!

If “The Hills” is the equivalent of television diarrhea, then Audrina Patridge is the shart that stains your metaphorical television pants. Here she is being totally useless at the DKNY Jeans Malibu Beach House, but you’ll note that she’s in a bikini in these pictures. It’s not often that wiping your ass and jerking off become one beautiful motion, but if you have no shame, embrace it. Plenty more where that came from, pervert.

Boy, there isn’t a single part of “The Hills” Audrina Patridge that doesn’t just scream “fake.” The color of her skin, her tits, her teeth — all of it. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that she was actually made from parts of Bratz animatronics and recycled tupperware.