Both Miranda Kerr and Kim Kardashian were in Australia recently, both hawking handbags, yet there the similarities end. Miranda was there with Louis Vuitton, Kim was with her krappy Kardashian Kollection. They’re like the Yin and Yang of the fashion world. It reminds me of those shitty “arts and crafts” shows where would-be artists display their tacky pastel landscapes and sunsets, or God forbid, pensive clowns, and clueless people stand in front of them and nod to each other and make comments about how “perty” they are. It’s exactly like that, except instead of oils and acrylics in pastel shades, it’s spandex , man-made materials and goldtone finishes. Yech.

Now that the whole of America has been infiltrated by the Kardashian posse, Kim is taking the stank to Australia. Trouble is, she naturally thinks that she is exempt from following the rules, and has landed herself on the Aussie shit list. Sears should have considered the international implications before exporting a known pestilence to a friendly nation. That shit is likely to start a war. Digital Spy reports,

Kim Kardashian has been added to an official Aussie immigration ‘watch list’ after breaching the conditions of her visa application three times.

The US reality television star, who recently visited Australia as a special guest of the Melbourne Cup Derby Day and to launch her handbag range, reportedly only applied for a tourist visa when she was in fact in the country for work reasons.

A subsequent investigation has since found that Kardashian’s two previous visits to the country in 2007 and 2010 were also for business purposes but were only supported by holiday visas.

The Department of Immigration’s official statement published by the Herald Sun read: “If people are undertaking work in Australia, they need to be on an appropriate visa with work conditions attached to it.

“If people do breach conditions, then the department can counsel them or cancel that person’s visa… and the department may record their breaches and immigration history. Their history would be taken into account if they apply for another visa to enter Australia.”

To be fair to Kim, I don’t think she’s ever worked a day in her life, unless it has to do with working dick, that is. She heard “go Down Under” and she got confused. It’s perfectly reasonable, when you think about it.

Hawking her Kardashian Kollection line of bags with The Incredible Hulk:

Unrequited love of my life Hugh Jackman was injured today while performing a stunt during the Down Under taping of Oprah. MSNBC says:

Live television showed Jackman sliding down a cable from the top of the Sydney Opera House towards a giant outdoor stage, but he failed to stop, crashing into the stage’s light rigging and hurting his face.

“That was so much fun, until the end,” joked Jackman.

Jackman, later sporting a small bandage under his eye, told Winfrey that the excitement of sliding down the cable caused him to brake too late.

“I came down waving to everyone, looking over Sydney Harbour, saw my dad, the kids and you (Winfrey), went to pull the brake and then boing,” he said.

Entertainment reporters at the scene said Jackman was hit in the eye. Television showed Jackman holding some ice on his face and taking a swig of red wine. It was reported that Jackman suffered a black eye.

Of course, being Hugh Jackman, he plunked right back down and did the rest of his segment without batting an eye. That’s what makes him so awesome. Anybody else in Hollywood would have stormed off the stage, dog-cussing some poor set assistant and slapping over a tray of pastries as they went, screaming about who was gonna get stuck with the dry cleaning bill for the blood that got on their $3,000 calfskin Louis Vuitton loafers while frantically dialing their plastic surgeon. Hugh Jackman has chunks of guys like those in his stool.

The National Enquirer was the first to report that former crack addict Whitney Houston had relapsed last week, but her performance in Brisbane, Australia over the weekend pretty much confirmed it. The Daily Mail says

The American star struggled through the opening night of her tour and was left breathless and exhausted after just two songs.

And even more bizarrely, the 46-year-old took a 20 minute break to catch her breath mid-way through the show, [leaving] the stage for twenty minutes [while] her brother Gary Houston [sang] in her absence.

“The singer appeared disoriented,” wrote the Australian Associated Press, “but the final act faltered at the finale when she croaked her way through I Will Always Love You, pausing to get a drink and towel herself down just as she was about to hit the song’s epic high note, which she turned into a soft coo.”

“Soft coo” is putting it nicely. After you watch the “performance” (and I use that term loosely) for yourself below, I think we can all agree “Gollum-esque death rattle” is a hell of a lot more accurate. You could hack an old crow to death with a garden hoe and get the same acoustic experience as being front row at that concert. The only difference is the crow wouldn’t require a half-hour smoke break or charge you a hundred and fifty bucks for the pleasure.

I just don’t get Britney Spears. From one angle, she looks terrific, and then from another angle, she looks like she has the arms of the Michelin Man and the gut of a retired linebacker. The only way this makes any sense is if she’s a shapeshifter or randomly experiencing bursts of increasing gravitational pull.

In Australia with the kiddies and boyfriend Jason Tratwick (more pics after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Nicole Kidman claims that swimming in a waterhole in Australia was responsible for her unexpected pregnancy. NY Daily News says,

The “Moulin Rouge” star, who gave birth to daughter Sunday Rose last July, claims that she and six other women who swam in Kununurra waters during production of upcoming Baz Luhrmann romance “Australia” later miraculously conceived. “I never thought that I would get pregnant and give birth to a child, but it happened on this movie,” Kidman says in today’s The Australian Women’s Weekly.

“Seven babies were conceived out of this film and only one was a boy,” she gushes. “There is something up there in the Kununurra water because we all went swimming in the waterfalls, so we can call it the fertility waters now.”

I don’t take stock in magical waters. I DO however, believe in the magical powers of Hugh Jackman, Kidman’s costar. Wouldn’t your ovaries get excited at the prospect of being near to Wolverine in his native habitat? I submit to the jury Exhibit A:

Aaand for comparison, Exhibit B:

I think I just felt a shudder go through my fallopian tubes. I dunno, highlighted hair and a waxed chest with a Rico Suave shirt doesn’t do it for me. Case closed!