The official results of Corey Haim’s autopsy have not been made public, but his mother claims it was actually pulmonary congestion and heart problems that killed him, not an overdose. According to People Magazine

Judy Haim says the coroner called her to disclose the actor suffered pulmonary congestion. [The] autopsy also found he had an enlarged heart along with the water in the lungs.

What role those factors played, if any, in Haim’s death isn’t known. L.A. Coroner Chief Craig Harvey notes, “There is no final cause of death at this time.”

Shortly before his death Wednesday at age 38, Haim complained of flu-like symptoms and had a high fever. The actor had long suffered from heart problems.

And God knows he was doing all he could to combat his flu-like symptoms — smoking crack five times a day instead of just three, and washing down his Xanax and Percocet with a bottle of vodka every six hours as directed. I guess it’s just one of those medical mysteries that will never really be solved. Damn you, science, for failing us once again!

Brittany Murphy’s autopsy report was made public for the first time yesterday, and as shocking as it might seem, there were no illegal drugs in her system. Notice I said illegal drugs. According to Radar Online

In her stomach was Propranolol, Hydrocodone, Phenazopyridine, Fluoxetine, Dextromethorphan, Chlorpheniramine, in her urine and in her blood/heart methamphetamines were found.

For those of you who don’t keep a Physician’s Desk Reference handy, that means Brittany downed a beta blocker (propranolol), some UTI medicine (phenzaopyridine), a little narcotic pain killer (hydrocodone), some antidepressants (fluoxetine), a cough depressant/hallucinogen (dextromethorphan), an antihistamine (chlorpheniramine) and something along the lines of Adderall or Ritalin (methamphetamines). So she was either depressed while suffering from a simultaneous migraine/urinary tract infection with seasonal allergies, chest congestion, depression and ADHD, or she was taking too many goddamn pills. Even Chris Farley’s liver had its limits, you know.

Some pics of her in Maxim a couple of years ago:

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You already knew Michael Jackson was a freak, but this may still surprise you: he didn’t actually have a face. Most of it was just tattooed on. Same goes for the hair. According to Nine MSN

Michael Jackson’s autopsy report [notes that] his hair was “sparse and connected to a wig,” with his hairline tattooed to his scalp.

Other facial features were reportedly tattooed on as well:

“There is a dark skin discoloration resembling a tattoo on the anterior half of the scalp,” [the report states]. “There are dark tattoos in the areas of both eyebrows and at the superior and interior borders of the palperbral fissures. There is a pink tattoo in the region of the lips.”

That’s fuckin weird, right? Well, hang on — it gets even weirder. TMZ says

It seems Michael Jackson’s longtime doctor was telling the truth about Michael’s propensity to pee in bottles, based on the L.A. County Coroner’s autopsy report.

Among the items found in the bedroom where Dr. Conrad Murray was treating Michael Jackson — “a closed bottle of urine atop a chair.”

Michael Jackson [had a] habit of peeing in cups and other objects, often in front of others.

Dr. Klein told TMZ today Jackson would pee in any object that was available. “That’s how he peed,” Klein said.

Urine hoarding? Is there no end to the weirdness? Um, that would be a resounding no. This final shocking revelation from the autopsy report states:

Michael Jackson’s brain had been replaced with that of a tap-dancing pigeon nearly twenty years ago. Not only was his cerebrum not his own — his arms and legs were largely animatronic, controlled by a remote computer located in the south of Japan.

Okay, I made that last part up. That makes way too much sense to really be believable.

And now for someone’s whose face isn’t tattooed on: Danielle Sarahyba in the SI Swimsuit Issue:

There have been all kinds of rumors about Michael Jackson’s failing health and the cause of his death — everything from skin cancer and emphysema to chronic gastrointestinal bleeding — but his family is sure that today’s autopsy will reveal that he was killed by a large dosage of the painkiller Demerol. Michael had been taking all kinds of painkillers in preparation for next month’s O2 Arena tour, and the injection coupled with the additional pills ultimately resulted in cardiac arrest. The Daily Mail says

There is growing speculation today that the catastrophic cardiac arrest was triggered by an injection of the painkiller Demerol. Those close to the star believe it is an addiction to prescription drugs as he prepared for the gigs in London that killed him.

‘Michael had broken a vertebrae performing and he had broken his leg in a fall from the stage. I don’t know the extent of the medications he was using but the reports that we have been receiving in the family were that it was extensive,’ said a source.

One Jackson family source said he was ‘just not able to pick himself up out of the painkiller stupor’ that he was in. He had been ‘doped up to his eyes’ for several weeks with anti-pain prescriptions… and [painkillers] had taken over his life.

One side effect of their abuse is a heart attack.

It might have seemed like it was a long time coming, but I’m sure it was hard for his family to even recognize his signs of drug abuse. For Chrissakes, “Normal Michael” slept with a chimpanzee and lived on an amusement park and carved up his nose like a Christmas ham every four to six weeks. I doubt “strange behavior” and “excessive paranoia” put up any red flags.