Regular old teenagers are bad enough, but there’s nothing worse than a celebrity teenager. I hate celebrity teenagers with the fiery intensity of a thousands sun. The self-important twatterdom that comes with adolescence is so much worse once it’s been imbued with a sense of entitlement. Also, their music totally sucks. As do their award shows. The Daily Mail says:

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez put rumors of a split to bed last night as they shared a kiss inside the Teen Choice Awards ceremony in Los Angeles.

Selena, 19, won trophies for TV actress, female hottie and music group with her band The Scene.

[Justin] picked up four surfboard-shaped trophies as choice male music artist, male hottie, twit and TV villain for his ‘CSI’ guest starring role.

Teen’s choice for favorite movie was “Fast Five” and their favorite romantic comedy was Ashton Kutcher’s “No Strings Attached.” “Gossip Girl” and “The Vampire Diaries” are their favorite TV shows. It reads exactly like a page from the channel guide in the seventh circle of hell.

Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato, Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black and Avril Lavigne here; complete list of winners after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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I got over dyeing my hair with Kool-Aid when I was in junior high. Avril Lavigne is oh, 27 years old. She’s still looking like the Lucky Charms leprechaun pissed a rainbow in her hair. I only hope that for the free haircoloring service she let him play with her pot o’ gold.

In Paris, because that’s like, Doucheland:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

The American Music Awards were last night, but I didn’t watch them because I would rather watch zombies nom on brains (Walking Dead, anyone?). Speaking of dead people, did you know that as a body decomposes, it fills with gas, often resulting in the body farting and burping? I make this point because if you stuck a kazoo up a corpse’s ass, it would probably manage to make better music than what was being celebrated last night. Case in point: Justin Bieber swept up awards last night. Says Time News Feed:

Starting with Bieber, he won entertainer of the year, breakthrough artist of the year, favorite pop/rock male and favorite pop/rock album for My World 2.0. “I come from the smallest town in the world, of like 30,000 people; I never thought this was possible,” he gushed, before paying tribute to the late King of Pop. “I want to thank Michael Jackson, because without Michael Jackson none of us would be here.”

Hee-hee-hee. No music would exist without MJ? It’s the new music Gospel they’re teaching kids these days. “In the beginning was Michael Jackson, and the music was with God, and the music was Michael Jackson. He was God in the beginning. Through him all music was made; without him no music was made that has been made.” MJ 1:1-3. I think I hear all the music greats prior to MJ collectively turning in their graves.

A zombie’s smörgåsbord:

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Avril Lavinge is missing something important on the cover of next month’s Maxim. No, not cliched angst or pedestrian “bad girl” sexuality. They’re both there. It’s not fourteen pounds of hair extensions or lame tattoos, either — they’re there too. It’s the arm with the big pink arrows pointing at it. Either she’s part chameleon, or else her elbow has been surgically fused to the side of her abdomen.

If you ever wanted to know what wanna-be bumblegum pop-faux-punk-princess douche nipple looks like, this is your lucky day. Basically, it looks like any other nipple, so you don’t have to feel too bad about checking it out. Too bad, I said. You still should feel a little dirty and ashamed of yourself.

Avril Lavigne cavorting with friends in a douchey cap and one more bonus nip shot NSFW:

Lindsay Lohan tried to have Avril Lavigne tossed out of the Chateau Marmont last week after Avril called her a “loser” in front of a bunch of people. Please hold your eye rolls and condescending sighs until the end. According to Page Six

An eyewitness [said]: “Avril was at a table with friends when Lindsay came over to say hi.

But as soon as she approached, Avril launched at her and said: ‘Get the hell out of my face, you are fake, you are a loser. I don’t like false people. Stay away from me and my friends.’

Lindsay was furious and screamed back: ‘Don’t threaten me!’ She then stormed off to security and tried to get them to kick Avril out. They refused to force Avril to leave. Lindsay eventually stormed off.”

Sources tell us that the feud kicked off when Lohan snubbed Lavigne at an event — but sidled up to her acting friendly once Lavigne was sitting with a group at the Chateau Marmont days later.

The source added: “It seemed like she was just being friendly to Avril because she was with people Lindsay wanted to impress.”

If Forrest Gump and Lenny from Mice and Men had a kid and dropped it on its head, it still wouldn’t be half as stupid as these two twats. Welcome to the Aristotelian archetype for “functionally retarded.” Try not to shit yourselves or eat a box of crayons while you’re here.

Lindsay and her sister last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

After three years of marriage, Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are officially separating at their respective douchenozzles. Us Weekly says

“She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on,” a source [says] adding that Lavigne, 25, forced him out of their $9.5 million [Bel Air] estate. “Divorce papers will be filed any day now.”

Whibley, 29, “is crushed,” adds another insider.

It’s not exactly shocking when two poser douchebags’ sham of a marriage dissolves like so many mushy turds on the follow-up flush. And speaking of turds, I’d like to take this opportunity to state that I’ve had farts with more dimension and depth than any of Avril’s crappy songs. Arista might really want to look into my asshole. It might be the next Sk8r Boi sensation!

UPDATE: Avril just confirmed the split on her website.

Promoting her Abbey Dawn line:

Husband Deryck Whibley was nowhere in sight when Avril Lavigne got shit-faced with a couple of girlfriends at My House in Hollywood last night. My sources tell me he was home pondering the faggy spelling of the name “Deryck” and the unfortunate connotations between “Whibley” and a flaccid penis.

The NY Post’s Rush and Molloy ran the following blind item today:

Which floundering pop star is hoping a clothing line will rehab her nonexistent singing career?

Coincidentally, floundering pop star Avril Lavigne announced that her new clothing line “Abbey Dawn” is set to launch in Kohl’s department stores mid-summer. Coincidentally! Us Weekly says

The threads (ranging from $24 to $48) mimic the singer’s signature skater-girl-chic style and include hoodies, jeans and tees in bright colors and skull and zebra patterns. Lavigne, who had a hand in collaborating on designs, plans to wear the line during her Best Damn Tour, which launches this month.

For a limited time only, buy a pair of glittered Converse or fingerless gloves and receive a travel-size pink hair mascara FREE! And with every purchase over $100, you’ll receive your very own Abbey Dawn brand plastic tubing and medical-grade double-lined bag — yours to keep!^* Now you, too, can have the Insufferable Douchebag^TM look made famous by pop’s punk princess. Coming to Kohl’s July 2008!

_{*Vinegar and fountain syringe sold separately. Prices and participation may vary. See participating Kohl’s stores for details.}

Airbrushed in this month’s Maxim:

In the tradition of such great European endeavors as the Spanish Inquisition and the Treaty of Versailles, Europe voted Avril Lavigne the “Solo Artist of 2007″ at the MTV Europe Video Music Awards last night. According to People Magazine

Avril Lavigne rocked the MTV Europe Music Awards in Munich Thursday night, winning two of the show’s top prizes. Lavigne picked up the Most Addictive Track trophy for “Girlfriend,” as well as the Solo Artist of 2007 award – to which the 23-year-old screamed with delight to the packed auditorium: “I am so happy, this is an honor!”

This just confirms my suspicion that Europeans are grossly incompetent. I guess you just can’t have France a part of your “union” without getting some of their stank on you. Sorta like scabies or the clap. Look, if it weren’t for Belgian waffles and Vienna Sausages, Europe would have probably succumbed to small pox and the white man years ago. And then what would you have? A bunch of eyeliner-wearing douchebags in leather who are terrified of horses and anything without a regular 4/4 beat and a 120 bpm tempo.

Avril Lavigne displayed her uncanny ability for “diarrhea of the mouth” in a recent interview with Britain’s Q Magazine. Compliments of US Weekly:

On dealing with her incredible success:
“Selling 24 million albums hasn’t really affected me, but it has changed things. I can’t walk into a room full of people any more without everybody turning their heads, and I can only eat in certain restaurants where I know I won’t get hassled. But that’s OK. I was born to do this, and so I’ve learned how to cope.”

Whoa, whoa whoa, Avril. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. You were born to be a manufactured pop star? That’s like saying, “I was born to win the lottery!” Because when it boils down to it, any “size 2″ willing to dress like an ass and able to carry a tune over a heavily produced track probably would have done the job just peachy.

On her competition:
“Someone like Kelly Clarkson is beautiful and has a pretty voice, but with me you get a much stronger image. I’m tough, I have a look that girls want to copy, and I sound a particular way.

Avril you have a “look” people have been “copying” since well before anyone knew who the hell “Avril Lavigne” was. It’s called Hot Topic, you asshat.

On her generosity:
“I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, ‘Take it to Katrina!’”

Yes, despite having more money than she knows what to do with — Avril shells out her used clothing to those in need. Because I’m sure Katrina victims would rather have a bunch of pink fishnets, wife beaters, and neckties with skull and crossbones printed on them in lieu of say, food and money. What a fucking humanitarian.

On her polarizing personality:
“People love me and people hate me, but I’m comfortable in my own skin and that’s what counts. And anyway if you do hate me, you’re the loser, not me.”

Well Avril, you got me there — I certainly do hate you. But it must be “opposite day” or something — because last time I checked, I wasn’t the one with pink hair, a wiener husband and a plagiarized record.

More of Avril trying to dress like a big girl at Fashion Rocks Thursday evening, after the jump.

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Consistently assy Avril “Douchebag” Lavigne threw a piss party at Maxim’s Hot 100 Party last week because apparent rivals Hilary and Haylie Duff showed up at the same time as her, despite “handlers” attempts to keep them apart. MNSBC Reports:

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, according to Metro New York, and Lavigne threatened to storm out of the party. They were scheduled to come to the event at different times, but a rep told the mag, the rivals “unfortunately arrived at the same time.”

The situation created some “definite tension,” and not long afterwards, an upset Avril was “threatening to take off” and “driving everyone crazy.”

You know, I heard a snippet of Avril’s new song “Girlfriend” over the weekend and it finally occurred to me why I loathe her so much. When I was a Senior in high school, a couple of idiot poseur Freshman girls (who Avril totally reminds me of) went around bragging about how they were going to steal my boyfriend. That is, until I cornered one of them and threatened to kick her teeth in; to the delight of about 20 onlookers. Then all of a sudden “she didn’t want him anyway” and “it was her friend that said that.” What-ever. Regardless, I never heard a peep out of either one of them again.

I think that’s all Avril needs. A good ass whooping, or at least the imminent threat of one — really put the fear of God into her. And Avril, sweetie? If you’re out there… I still have my beat-up old Doc Martins sitting in the back of the closet, and you could really use some new teeth, anyway.

More photos of Avril at the Hot 100 Party after the jump, looking every bit the part of an asshole five years overdue for an ass kicking.

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