Nov 6, 2009
Ugh. That Other Kardashian (not the preggo and not the one with the ass; the Amazonian one) went on Chelsea Handler’s show with her pretend husband, and this ridiculous shit happened:
They got married just a month after they met, and now just another month later, Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian look to be wasting little time taking another big step.
Appearing on E!’s Chelsea Lately, Kardashian, 25, was asked by host Chelsea Handler if she was pregnant yet, like sister Kourtney.
It was Odom who answered: “Soon.”
“You planning on having a baby soon?” Handler asked. “You want to do that right away?”
“I do,” said Odom, 30.
And Kardashian’s answer? “Okay,” she says.
Look, I don’t really care if two clinically retarded people whore themselves and their fake TV marriage out to anyone who will listen so they can make easy money and never have to get real jobs. I mean, it’s cheap and disgusting, but so is most of Hollywood so I just can’t be bothered to get worked up about it. But please, for the love of all that is holy, can’t the fates intervene and somehow arrange it so these two get trapped in an industrial sized microwave for approximately eight hours, or however long it might take to fully irradiate their reproductive organs? I really feel like that’s not a lot to ask, here.
Leaving the E! studios after their appearance on Chelsea Lately:
Oct 27, 2009
Former model Samantha Burke unveiled the five-week old results of her one-night stand with actor Jude Law in an exclusive interview with this week’s Hello! magazine. The Daily Mail says
Miss Burke, who reportedly earned $300,000 for the Hello! photoshoot, said: ‘I think [Jude will] fall in love with her when he sees her. She has his chin and nose, and she does a little pout that I notice that he’s done before.”
But Miss Burke [admitted that] he has not yet traveled to meet Sophia.
Asked if she had received any presents from Jude, who demanded a DNA test a few months ago, the former model [said], ‘No, nothing.’
Unless you count the genital herpes she got from him ten months ago, but I wouldn’t really call that a present per se. It’s not like you can return it at a department store. But fortunately, you can always re-gift it!
Jude playing soccer with his legitimate children:
PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin
Sep 23, 2009
D-listers galore have spawned this week — “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” star Sarah Michelle Gellar, “Grey’s Anatomy” actress Ellen Pompeo, and sometimes-model-turned-Jude-Law’s-drunken-bootycall Samantha Burke all gave birth within the last four days. People magazine says
Sarah Michelle Prinze and husband Freddie Prinze Jr. welcomed their daughter Charlotte Grace Prinze on Saturday, Sept. 19. This is the first child for the couple.
They go on to say
Jude Law is a father – again.
Samantha Burke, the 24-year-old aspiring actress whom Law met while filming Sherlock Holmes in New York City last year, gave birth to a daughter Tuesday night.
And even more blahbitty blah blah blah:
It’s a girl for Ellen Pompeo!
The Grey’s Anatomy star, 39, welcomed a daughter, Stella Luna Pompeo Ivery, on Sept. 15 in Los Angeles.
Ugh, the only way this post could be any more boring is if it were read aloud by Wilford fucking Brimley and somehow translated into bean curd and denture adhesive.
Sep 18, 2009
Katherine Heigl and husband Josh Kelley have officially adopted a 10-month old baby girl from Korea. They wrote on their foundation’s website
Katherine and Josh have named their daughter Nancy Leigh and she will go by the nickname Naleigh. She is named after Katherine’s mother Nancy and Katherine’s sister Margaret Leigh. Katherine, Josh and Naleigh are together and doing well.
Ugh, an Asian baby? Please. Those things are so 2005. Everybody who’s anybody knows that African babies are where it’s at nowadays. You’re better off sticking with a classic accessory like the Hermès Birkin bag or a nice pair of Stuart Weitzman boots. Unlike the Asian urchin, those things never go out of style!
Sep 10, 2009
Nicole Richie gave birth to a bouncing baby boy early yesterday morning, and then promptly ruined his life by giving him the gayest name ever. She wrote on her website
“In the middle of night, the very early hours of September 9, 2009, Sparrow James Midnight Madden was born to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. He weighs 7 lbs. 14 oz. Nicole, Joel, Harlow and Sparrow are all doing well. Thank you for all of your good wishes.”
They might as well have named him Stinkhat Booger Sandwich or Wedgie Swirly Chester Backster, because that’s what he’s gonna get every day for the rest of his life.
Nicole with big sister Harlow earlier this month:
PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News
Sep 1, 2009
Michelle Duggar, famous for being the real-life Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe, announced this morning on the Today Show that she is pregnant with child number 19. I bet at this point her puss just hangs open like the gaping maw of a basking shark. According to the Huffington Post
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of Tonitown, Ark., who have 18 children and one grandchild on the way, are expecting a new addition to their household baby No. 19 will arrive in the spring.
“We are so thrilled,” says Michelle, 42. “We just couldn’t believe it is happening.” Jim Bob, 44, agrees: “This never gets old. We are so grateful for each child. We are looking forward to our first grand baby and our 19th child.”
Can a vagina weep? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what mine’s doing after hearing this. Otherwise I should really see a doctor about some penicillin.
Jun 10, 2009
Kendra Wilkinson and fiance Hank Baskett are expecting their first child. From People:
The Girls Next Door E! reality star told E! News’s Marc Malkin, “Hank and I are thrilled to announce that we are expecting our first child together. We are touched by the outpouring of support by our family, friends and fans.”
In February, Wilkinson, 23, told PEOPLE: “We always talk about [having kids]. He wants kids so [badly], and I do, too.”
Wilkinson even went so far as to tell PEOPLE that she and Baskett, a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, were already working on names.
“My first initial is K and my middle name is Leigh, so we were thinking of Kaleigh,” she said. “And he’s Hank Baskett III, so of course I’m going to have a Hank Baskett IV!”
Engaged since November, Wilkinson and Baskett, 26, plan to wed June 27 at the Holmby Hills, Calif., mansion of her former boyfriend, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner.
This poor kid has no hope at all of a normal life. I mean, even regular kids are dumb as hell and they do stuff like poop on the floor and lick electrical sockets, but this baby’s parents are both so stupid they’re barely functional. The kid will likely never learn how to talk in whole sentences and will probably spend most of its free time eating bugs and trying to fly. It could have a fantastic career in the circus, though… not everybody would be so willing to climb inside a bear’s mouth and then set their own hair on fire.
At the “Red Tie Affair” Red Cross benefit in Santa Monica in March:
Apr 10, 2009
Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze, Jr. are expecting, according to People:
Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. are expecting their first child together, a source close to the couple confirms exclusively to PEOPLE. “They’re very excited,” says the source, adding that the actress, 31, is due in the fall.
Gellar, who has been married to Prinze, 33, for six years, will next shoot the HBO pilot The Wonderful Maladays, for which she serves as an executive producer. Prinze recently shot the comedy pilot No Heroics for ABC.
You know, I willingly watched the first of those Scooby Doo movies, but I was drunk as anything at the time and I still thought it was godawful. And while I liked “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” a lot, let’s face it, Sarah Michelle Gellar hasn’t really mattered in at least five years. I don’t think Freddie Prinze, Jr. ever mattered at all. It’s great and whatnot that these two seemingly happy campers are spawning, but unless this thing is a girl and someday ends up being cast as the new Slayer (and doesn’t fuck it up), then I couldn’t really care less.
I do, however, have this to add:
- Buffy: Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
- Xander: I think the word you’re searching for is absent.
- Willow: Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg]
- Buffy: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
- Willow: No, it’s your baby!
- Buffy: Okay, I get it even less.
- Xander: You know it’s the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don’t get. You gotta take care of the egg, it’s a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
- Willow: My egg is Jewish.
- Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.
