Madonna’s new “Girl Gone Wild” video debuted last night on E!, and it’s already stirring up all kinds of controversy. Not for the whips and chains or the homosexual kissing, but for the 2.5 seconds she’s pictured smoking a cigarette. I shit you not. The powers that be are giving the video a mature rating because it includes tobacco use. And of course uppity non-smokers are all over this today, because Madonna’s 15-year-old daughter Lourdes was busted on camera smoking a cigarette on Friday, so they can rant and rail about bad influence this and role model that and tobacco is the devil blah blah blah. The Daily Mail says:

The eldest daughter of the Material Girl was seen puffing away as she loitered around with male friends in New York.

She had the cigarette in her hand as a pal lighted it for her and seemed very comfortable with it. The legal age for smoking in America is 18.

It truly baffles me how much cigarettes are villainized these days. I get that they’re bad. Well, so is fucking sunlight, if we’re gonna get picky. You have to literally slather yourself in a protective layer of chemicals if you’re going to be out in it for more than half an hour. Skin cancer accounts for more than 50 percent of all cancers combined, and 90% of the cases can be directly traced to sun exposure, but nobody’s trying to ban the fucking sun. Are we gonna have to give a video a mature rating if it features sunset? Because one in five Americans will be diagnosed with skin cancer in their lifetime. And here’s another fun fact about cigarettes: approximately 50% of the people diagnosed with lung cancer have never even smoked. Live life while you can and do what you want because it’s a crapshoot, tomorrow could be your last day, and if you want to smoke a goddamn cigarette, then smoke a goddamn cigarette. Everybody else can go fuck themselves.

More bad news for Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps — Dophin Boy has officially been suspended from USA Swimming competitions for the next ninety days. USA Swimming said in a public statement:

“This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero.”

To add insult to injury, Kellogg’s cereal manufacturers have decided not to renew Phelps’ contract when it expires at the end of this month. Kellog’s said

“We originally built the relationship with Michael, as well as the other Olympic athletes, to support our association with the US Olympic team. Michael’s most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg. His contract expires at the end of February and we have made a decision not to extend his contract.”

Well, fuck Kellogg’s, and fuck USA Swimming. Who needs them anyway? There’s a whole world of opportunities and open doors just waiting for Michael Phelps. I can think of at least ten right now right off the top of my head.

TOP TEN MICHAEL PHELPS POTENTIAL ADVERTISING GIGS:

10. Magic Mushroom head shop — now carrying Michael Phelps brand Gold Metal pocket-sized pipes!

9. The Urinator — Michael Phelps says “urine luck!”

8. Goldenseal — Goldenboy Michael Phelps Stays Golden with this all-natural herb!

7. Funions: it’s a Michael Phelps munchies must-have!

6. Visine: Get the red out, keep the gold in

5. Downy dryer sheets: because Michael Phelps’ mom doesn’t need to know

4. Track and Field II for Super NES: because you’ll never be Michael Phelps, so you might as well get high and pretend

3. Ohaus Voyager® laboratory analytical scales: because Michaels Phelps knows that every little bit counts

2. High Times cover boy: Goldenboy brings the Golden Haze to the Cannabis Cup

and the number one Michael Phelps potential advertising gig:

1. Hydrofarm Hydroponic Grow System: because Michael Phelps only does it with water!

On his way to practice in Baltimore: