Karolina Kurkova has been voted World’s Sexiest Woman , but all I can see when I look at her is her missing bellybutton. Just like Megan Fox’s freaky thumbs, it’s a deal breaker for me. I just don’t trust people who don’t have bellybuttons, because that means you’re probably an alien and are salivating over my brains. I’m okay for now, because I made an aluminum foil hat to block her alien search rays and I’m typing in an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. Sorry Karolina, looks like dinner’s canceled!

Heidi Klum filming a commercial in LA, because she’s sexier:

Break out your bow ties and rohypnol, boys — lingerie model Bar Rafaeli is back on the market! According to the San Francisco Chronicle

Actor Leonardo DiCaprio’s relationship with Israeli model Bar Refaeli is on the rocks and the couple has already been spending weeks apart.The pair have been dogged by rumors of an impending break-up in recent months, and new reports allege the actor is already moving on.

According to the New York Daily News, DiCaprio was spotted in New York over the weekend cozying up to a mystery brunette, with Rafaeli no where in sight.

Well, I hope you’re happy, Leonardo DiCaprio. You just lost out on your only chance to yell out “I now declare open Bar!” while going down on your girlfriend. Also, “administering the Bar exam” while copping a feel or “raising the Bar” when you’re doing it standing up. Golden opportunities like that only come around once in a lifetime, you know.

Bar at the grand opening of Lavo Restaurant and Nightclub in Vegas on Friday and in Arena magazine February 2008:

Leonardo DiCaprio might be 5′8″ on a good day and lack the ability to grow facial hair or pubes and have a higher pitched voice than my eight year-old niece, but make no mistake: he’s porking Bar Rafaeli, and I’m not. Also, both he and his girlfriend share names with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My name, on the other hand, rhymes with “scabby” and “flabby.” I think it’s pretty obvious who wins here.