Oh look you guys, it’s Bar Refaeli in GQ Italia, wearing some shorts she apparently stole from a nine-year-old dwarf.  I’m pretty sure you can actually see her cervix.  She looks pretty pissed about it, too.  Seriously… how unflattering is that cover photo?  I have no idea why the Italian editors of GQ hate Bar Refaeli so much, but I think the only way they could’ve gotten a worse picture is if they doused her with diesel fuel and set her ass on fire.

Bar Refaeli in the June ‘09 issue of GQ Italia:

This time of year is so filled with the magic and wonder of romance.  No, not the chocolate hearts and flowers Hallmark Valentine bullshit, you mincing nancy.  I’m referring, of course, to that special time each year when Sports Illustrated stops talking about boring stuff like actual sports, and instead puts out their annual Swimsuit Issue.  Love is in the air, dudes.

This year’s cover girl is Bar Refaeli, supermodel and Leonardo DiCaprio arm candy:

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Here’s supermodel Bar Refaeli on the beach, and what you don’t see are the bodyguards standing off to the side with fire extinguishers in case she spontaneously combusts from her unbridled hotness. The same thing happens to me all the time, if you replace “firemen” with “prison guard”, “fire extinguisher” with “tazer and straightjacket”, “beach” with “solitary confinement cell”, and “hotness” with, well, “warm fecal matter”. See? I’m just like her.

Karolina Kurkova has been voted World’s Sexiest Woman , but all I can see when I look at her is her missing bellybutton. Just like Megan Fox’s freaky thumbs, it’s a deal breaker for me. I just don’t trust people who don’t have bellybuttons, because that means you’re probably an alien and are salivating over my brains. I’m okay for now, because I made an aluminum foil hat to block her alien search rays and I’m typing in an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. Sorry Karolina, looks like dinner’s canceled!

Heidi Klum filming a commercial in LA, because she’s sexier:

Break out your bow ties and rohypnol, boys — lingerie model Bar Refaeli is back on the market! According to the San Francisco Chronicle

Actor Leonardo DiCaprio’s relationship with Israeli model Bar Refaeli is on the rocks and the couple has already been spending weeks apart.The pair have been dogged by rumors of an impending break-up in recent months, and new reports allege the actor is already moving on.

According to the New York Daily News, DiCaprio was spotted in New York over the weekend cozying up to a mystery brunette, with Rafaeli no where in sight.

Well, I hope you’re happy, Leonardo DiCaprio. You just lost out on your only chance to yell out “I now declare open Bar!” while going down on your girlfriend. Also, “administering the Bar exam” while copping a feel or “raising the Bar” when you’re doing it standing up. Golden opportunities like that only come around once in a lifetime, you know.

Bar at the grand opening of Lavo Restaurant and Nightclub in Vegas on Friday and in Arena magazine February 2008:

Leonardo DiCaprio might be 5′8″ on a good day and lack the ability to grow facial hair or pubes and have a higher pitched voice than my eight year-old niece, but make no mistake: he’s porking Bar Refaeli, and I’m not. Also, both he and his girlfriend share names with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My name, on the other hand, rhymes with “scabby” and “flabby.” I think it’s pretty obvious who wins here.

I’m sure you’ve lain awake in your bed at night, trying to figure out Leonardo DiCaprio’s secret for scoring such hot lingerie-model kitty. Well, believe it or not, Leo wasn’t always such a ladies’ man. In fact, he graduated from high school jerking it just like you and me. According to Page Six

[Leonardo] was still a virgin at 17, says Russell Crowe in the new issue of Entertainment Weekly, on stands today. “You know, I worked with Leonardo when he was 17 on ‘The Quick and the Dead [1995],’ ” says Crowe. “He was a virgin, and he’d talk about that constantly. So I’m hoping we have some time so he can fill in what’s happened in between, maybe show some photos, because I’m sure life’s different now.”

Maybe show some photos? Yeah, there’s no better way to catch up with friends you haven’t seen in fifteen years than asking to see pictures of their old girlfriends’ vaginas in action. Another sure winner is pouring them a glass of “Jesus Juice” while asking about their children. Or if they ask, “So, what’ve you been up to lately?” you could pull the shotgun down from over the fireplace, pump it once or twice before pointing it at their head and say “Nothin’ you need to worry about, tough guy.” I’ve found that soiling one’s pants is a real conversational icebreaker.

Ex-girlfriend Bar Rafeali at the Galician Lingerie show in Barcelona last week: