Lindsay Lohan sat down with Access Hollywood’s Maria Menounos last night and tried to sound smart by discussing her sentiments on the election of new President Barack Obama. Unfortunately, within the first thirty seconds of the interview, Lindsay referenced Obama as “our first colored president,” officially marking the first time the word “colored” has been used on prime time television since 1974. Statistics indicate that the only way this could be more embarrassing for Lindsay is if she had also been in black face sitting atop a forty acres and a mule.
Welcome to the Brave New World, boys and girls — Barack Obama has officially been elected the 44th President of the United States, garnering 349 electoral votes to John McCain’s 162. Democrats now control both the House and the Senate. And who do we have to thank for this historic political shift? Why, rapper Sean “P. Diddy Puff Daddy Puss Whiffy” Combs! He told reporters (via Yahoo News)
“I felt like my vote was the vote that put [Barack Obama] into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. I just felt like, Martin Luther King, and I felt the whole civil rights movement, I felt all that energy, and I felt my kids.”
I, for one, am grateful to live in a nation where famous people decide things for me. What to wear, what to watch, how to vote — just imagine all the actual thinking we’d have to do if it weren’t for celebrities! Germany might have had its “Gestapo” and Russia its “KGB” and the Wal-Mart its “Military Detection of Anti-Homeland Activities,” but nothing sways a pliable public quite like bare boobs and pec implants. Long live the Tabloid Secret Service!
People are always asking me, “So, Abby, who are you going to vote for come November 4th?” The answer is: I’m not. And not just because I’m a registered felon, either. And also not because Election Day falls on Triple Taco Tuesday at the Mexi-Hut. That’s just a happy coincidence. I’m not voting because I think both candidates may, in fact, be communists, what with their “nationalizing the banks” this and “from each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” that. But if I were a voting girl, I think Barack Obama would have sealed the deal with last night’s half-hour long prime time infomercial and appearance on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He’s self-effacing and confident, personable and charming all at once, like me after a couple of drinks, except he keeps his shirt on. I’d say the only way John McCain could seem more antiquated and out of touch now is if he had tentacles for a beard and a barnacle-covered lobster claw for a hand and only came up on dry land once every hundred years.
Paris Hilton and Britney Spears both have blink-and-you’ll-miss-them cameos in a new John McCain ad that calls Barack Obama’s “celebrity” status into question. And how do the starlets feel about being politically aligned without their consent? MSNBC reports
While Hilton is “happy to feel relevant,” Spears is said to be “unfazed” by the inclusion.
“She visits gossip sites on the Internet,” says a source close to Spears. “She’s not exactly glued to campaign news. She’s unfazed by this. If not for Googling her own name she probably wouldn’t have noticed.”
When she finally caught the ad in between episodes of “Access Hollywood” and “Entertainment Tonight,” she reportedly exclaimed, “Hey! There’s that old guy from mah Pepsi commercial! He ain’t dead yet?” Then she went back to stuffing Fritos in her mouth, adding, “Man, fuck Pepsi. They ain’t returned mah phone calls in five years. Huccome that old guy is still gettin’ work? Ah’m sexier than him! It’s Britney, bitch!” before popping off of a couple of violent corn-chip-crumb-launching pelvic thrusts in the face of her terrified three year-old.
Paris at Pure Nightclub in Vegas earlier this week:
Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society have discovered a familial link between Hollywood and Washington — Brad Pitt is related to presidential hopeful Barack Obama, while Angelina Jolie shares a lineage with former First Lady Hillary Clinton. Well, this news ought to sway a couple of votes! Us Weekly says
Pitt and Obama are ninth cousins, linked by Edwin Hickman, who died in Virginia in 1769. Clinton and Jolie, meanwhile, are ninth cousins, twice removed because they are both related to Jean Cusson who died in St. Sulpice, Quebec, in 1718.
Interestingly, the only presidential hopeful without famous celebrity cousins was Mike Huckabee, namely because all the backwoods inbreeding really thinned out his gene pool.
