Everybody assumes I’m a Republican — mostly because I’m a blathering idiot and I own a shotgun — but for the record, I’m a Libertarian. A constitution-enthusiast, if you will. So that whole “you can’t provide for yourselves without handouts from the government” shit doesn’t really fly with me, but God knows Hollywood loves it. They love it so much that President Barack Obama went on “The Late Show” with David Letterman last night to pander to the masses and stoke the flames of the Amercian sense of entitlement. But there’s really no sense in actually watching the clip yourself. Give it another year or two and the government will be watching it for you and then taxing you for using the bandwidth. Hooray for “change!”
Meet the new boss same as the old boss after the jump
Kanye West apologized yet again for his little spectacle at the VMAs Sunday night on Jay Leno’s new show, where he was slated to perform with Jay-Z and Rihanna but ended up sitting down as a guest, because — as you suspected — it’s all about him. He said
“It’s been extremely difficult, just dealing with the fact that I took anything away, you know, from anyone. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve. Because I am a celebrity, and that’s something I have to deal with. Obviously, I deal with hurt.
So many celebrities, they never take time off. I’ve never taken the time off to really - you know, just music after music and tour after tour. I only wanted to help people. My entire life, I’ve only wanted to give and do something that I felt was right.
If there’s anything I could do to help Taylor in the future or help anyone, I’d like - you know, I want to live this thing. It’s hard sometimes.
Yep, you read that right. It’s hard being Kanye West. His little outburst was because he likes helping people. He insults and steps on because he hurts. Well, you know what else hurts? Hot lead moving at 1500 feet per second through the walls of the lower intestine fired out of a shotgun lodged in a man’s anus. Just putting that out there.
UPDATE: Now with 100% more President Barack Obama burn action!
Actor Rupert Everett recently voiced his opinion on the death of Michael Jackson in a spectacular stream of verbal diarrhea. He told the Daily Mirror
“[Michael Jackson] looked like a character from Shrek. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art. I think it was fortuitous that he died. He was a freak.”
Michael Jackson was “a freak?” Well, there’s a case of the surgically-disfigured pot calling the kettle black! But not too black. He continued:
“We have Michael Jackson, a black man who has gone white, and we have President Barack Obama, who is a half-white man gone black. It’s absolutely fascinating to watch.”
Then he added, “Ooh, ooh — I almost forgot — what’s black and white and dead all over? Michael Jackson! Ha ha! Get it?” before kicking his way through a crowd of paraplegic children and blind puppies.
Speaking of blind puppies, cute pictures of a dog named Bonnie who serves as a seeing eye dog for a blind dog named Clyde:
Barack Obama made an historic appearance on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” last night as the first sitting U.S. president ever to be a guest on a late night talk show. He then continued breaking new boundaries during the interview by being the first sitting U.S. president ever to make fun of retards on a late night talk show. The NY Daily News says
Talking about his dismal bowling skills, Obama said he’d been practicing and had gotten his score up to 129. “It was like the Special Olympics or something,” Obama joked.
Bloggers instantly seized on the President’s remark, calling it “insensitive.”
Before the pre-taped program even aired, White House officials [issued a statement, saying], “The President made an offhand remark making fun of his own bowling that was in no way intended to disparage the Special Olympics.”
Obama’s unfortunate comment came just hours after he appeared with California First Lady Maria Shriver, whose mother founded the Special Olympics.
I personally don’t think it’s that big a deal. Maybe retards just shouldn’t be so damn sensitive all the time. What did surprise me, though, was that none of the morning talk shows ran with this today. We all know that if some old white dude had said it, CNN and MSNBC would be on it like white on rice. Or as Barack would say, “Like drool on a retard’s chin.” Fair and unbiased reporting my ass!
FF to the 4:08 mark to hear the Special Olympics bit, and part one of the interview after the jump
Lindsay Lohan sat down with Access Hollywood’s Maria Menounos last night and tried to sound smart by discussing her sentiments on the election of new President Barack Obama. Unfortunately, within the first thirty seconds of the interview, Lindsay referenced Obama as “our first colored president,” officially marking the first time the word “colored” has been used on prime time television since 1974. Statistics indicate that the only way this could be more embarrassing for Lindsay is if she had also been in black face sitting atop a forty acres and a mule.
Welcome to the Brave New World, boys and girls — Barack Obama has officially been elected the 44th President of the United States, garnering 349 electoral votes to John McCain’s 162. Democrats now control both the House and the Senate. And who do we have to thank for this historic political shift? Why, rapper Sean “P. Diddy Puff Daddy Puss Whiffy” Combs! He told reporters (via Yahoo News)
“I felt like my vote was the vote that put [Barack Obama] into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. I just felt like, Martin Luther King, and I felt the whole civil rights movement, I felt all that energy, and I felt my kids.”
I, for one, am grateful to live in a nation where famous people decide things for me. What to wear, what to watch, how to vote — just imagine all the actual thinking we’d have to do if it weren’t for celebrities! Germany might have had its “Gestapo” and Russia its “KGB” and the Wal-Mart its “Military Detection of Anti-Homeland Activities,” but nothing sways a pliable public quite like bare boobs and pec implants. Long live the Tabloid Secret Service!
People are always asking me, “So, Abby, who are you going to vote for come November 4th?” The answer is: I’m not. And not just because I’m a registered felon, either. And also not because Election Day falls on Triple Taco Tuesday at the Mexi-Hut. That’s just a happy coincidence. I’m not voting because I think both candidates may, in fact, be communists, what with their “nationalizing the banks” this and “from each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” that. But if I were a voting girl, I think Barack Obama would have sealed the deal with last night’s half-hour long prime time infomercial and appearance on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He’s self-effacing and confident, personable and charming all at once, like me after a couple of drinks, except he keeps his shirt on. I’d say the only way John McCain could seem more antiquated and out of touch now is if he had tentacles for a beard and a barnacle-covered lobster claw for a hand and only came up on dry land once every hundred years.
Paris Hilton and Britney Spears both have blink-and-you’ll-miss-them cameos in a new John McCain ad that calls Barack Obama’s “celebrity” status into question. And how do the starlets feel about being politically aligned without their consent? MSNBC reports
While Hilton is “happy to feel relevant,” Spears is said to be “unfazed” by the inclusion.
“She visits gossip sites on the Internet,” says a source close to Spears. “She’s not exactly glued to campaign news. She’s unfazed by this. If not for Googling her own name she probably wouldn’t have noticed.”
When she finally caught the ad in between episodes of “Access Hollywood” and “Entertainment Tonight,” she reportedly exclaimed, “Hey! There’s that old guy from mah Pepsi commercial! He ain’t dead yet?” Then she went back to stuffing Fritos in her mouth, adding, “Man, fuck Pepsi. They ain’t returned mah phone calls in five years. Huccome that old guy is still gettin’ work? Ah’m sexier than him! It’s Britney, bitch!” before popping off of a couple of violent corn-chip-crumb-launching pelvic thrusts in the face of her terrified three year-old.
Paris at Pure Nightclub in Vegas earlier this week:
Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society have discovered a familial link between Hollywood and Washington — Brad Pitt is related to presidential hopeful Barack Obama, while Angelina Jolie shares a lineage with former First Lady Hillary Clinton. Well, this news ought to sway a couple of votes! Us Weekly says
Pitt and Obama are ninth cousins, linked by Edwin Hickman, who died in Virginia in 1769. Clinton and Jolie, meanwhile, are ninth cousins, twice removed because they are both related to Jean Cusson who died in St. Sulpice, Quebec, in 1718.
Interestingly, the only presidential hopeful without famous celebrity cousins was Mike Huckabee, namely because all the backwoods inbreeding really thinned out his gene pool.
