I know the stupid Teen Choice Awards were last night, but it’s too early and I’m too hungover to talk about that shit yet, so let’s just look at these nice pics of Rihanna in her Bob Marley swimsuit instead. I spent a good five minutes trying to figure out if she had four-inch-long labia or if that was just the folds of Bob’s collar in her crotch. If you stare at it long enough, you can kinda get lost in the moment where one becomes the other becomes the other again. It’s like Salvador Dali’s “Halluciongenic Toreador” if it were made out of camel toes.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Sofia Vergara here; David Beckham after the jump:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

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Here’s one I’m sure you can relate to — this one time I woke up in a frat house bathroom without any pants on. Now, your initial instinct in that situation is to set a small trash can fire as a distraction and bolt for the nearest exit once people start to panic, but seeing as how my lighter was in my pants, I had no choice but to attempt to fashion a makeshift loincloth out of the toilet seat cover. It wouldn’t stay up by itself, but as luck would have it, I found an old ace bandage under the sink that I was able to use to hold the seat cover in place by wrapping it between my legs and over my shoulders and back around my waist, sort of like a sumo wrestler’s diaper, except with suspenders. So why am I telling you all this? Because I’d rather be photographed in my compression-bandage/toilet-accessory ensemble than in that dress Jessica Simpson’s wearing in these pictures. The only way that thing could be more unflattering is if the word “DUMPY” were also cross-stitched across the bosom.

In Capri with Eric Johnson and twenty extra pounds:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

While a judge was issuing a bench warrant for her arrest on Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan and her SCRAM bracelet were busy sunning themselves by the pool. I’d say it’s pretty clear she isn’t Catholic, because Catholics know a thing or two about shame. Also, a real Catholic would never mistake a rosary for anal beads. It’s a classic Protestant tell.

I don’t know how you go about acquiring the body of 45-year old when you’re only 23, but Ke$ha seems to have done it somehow. Maybe Bondi Beach is actually the Bizarro Fountain of Youth.

At Australia’s Bondi Beach yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Buddy the Elf had to cross the seven levels of the Candy Cane Woods and go through the Sea of Swirly Twirly Gum Drops before he made it to the Lincoln Tunnel. Kelly Osbourne must have taken the Bologna Forest and Italian Sausage Meadow shortcut.

Nearly drowning fiance Luke Worrall in Miami: