Here’s Miley Cyrus in a bikini with boyfriend Liam Hemsworth in Hawaii, living proof that hillbillies can clean up okay, once you look past the over-sized teeth and vaguely retarded expressions. Or, you can just close your eyes and use your hands. That’s my preferred method, anyway.

Children may have visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads, but the only vision I’ll be having after seeing Simon Cowell’s furry teats will be of choking on salty white chocolate Hersey’s Kisses rolled in fur.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I’m pretty sure this is exactly how every guy’s fantasy begins — him flat on his back while a blonde, a brunette and a fill-in-the-blank ethnic minority squat over him and debate who gets him first. I’m glad to see ABC is finally taking the show in the right direction.

Minka Kelly, Rachel Taylor and Annie Ilonzeh filming in Miami:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

When I think 45th birthday parties, I think Hoverounds and hip replacements and oxygen tanks, not babes in bikinis. All we did at my Aunt Jo’s 45th birthday is swat flies off her face and occasionally turn a hose on her. It kept the barbeque sauce from collecting under her chin and making a paste.

Halle Berry in Malibu with daughter Nahla over the weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I hope you brought a change of underpants to work today, ladies, because it’s a shirtless Hugh Jackman-palooza! It’s all the raw, rippling, unmitigated maleness you can stand. And not only is Hugh shirtless and dripping wet in these pictures — he’s also happily tending to his offspring the in the photos. It’s everything your most primal evolutionary instincts have been seeking since the dawn of time. The trick is making sure you don’t slide right off your chair before you get to your other pair of panties.

With his wife and kids in St. Tropez this weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Halle Berry may be a crazy bitch, but boy does she look awesome in a bikini. There’s always one solution to a hot woman who can’t keep her yap shut, and that’s a good double-layer of duct tape across the mouth. My dad may have had multiple charges of assault and battery against my bitter harpy of a mom, but he had some pretty good ideas. You can’t say my daddy didn’t teach me anything!

Currently silent and thus smoking hot at Malibu Beach:

It’s nice to know that while we’re in the middle of recession, there are overpaid actors that are still able to take random trips to exotic locales and show off their surgically-enhanced bodies to the rest of us poor cretins. I bet Courtney Cox doesn’t have to buy the store brand of Hamburger Helper. Maybe later I’ll go use my kid’s lizard’s heat lamp to pretend like I’m the one basking in the warm rays in Oahu. It’s not like I’m bitter or anything.

A flamboyant gay man acting like a little bitch in a catfight? Say it ain’t so. One minute Adam Lambert is chilling out, flashing peace signs while looking like a douche, the other minute, he flip-flops like a hormonal girl and starting wailing on a pap. And by “wailing”, I mean, “flapping his hands at the wrist” and “subjecting his victim to dry-humping”. Popeater describes the event:

“Eeew paparazzi killed my peaceful afternoon on the beach!” the singer, 28, told his Twitter followers Thursday. “They’re real good at provoking, but there ain’t any pics or video of the bs they spew out.”

No, but there are plenty of images of Lambert slapping, grabbing and damn-near mounting the photographer, who is seen trying to escape the grasp of the singer while holding onto his camera.

In other images, another man, possibly Lambert’s friend, is seen trying to break up the fight.

The Miami Beach PD is investigating the incident, according to TMZ.

The ‘For Your Entertainment’ wailer was wearing a large straw cabana hat and goofy sunglasses at the time of the encounter, which he apparently thinks was awesome.

“Hahha the photos are hilarious!!! LOL please everyone forgive me for that hat,” he said on Twitter. “I was attempting a disguise — clearly failed.”

Of course he apologizes for a fashion faux pas, and not for the unprovoked attacked. This guy is douchier than the bulk pack of Summer’s Eve at Costco.

Picture source: Bauer-Griffin

If you ever wanted to know what wanna-be bumblegum pop-faux-punk-princess douche nipple looks like, this is your lucky day. Basically, it looks like any other nipple, so you don’t have to feel too bad about checking it out. Too bad, I said. You still should feel a little dirty and ashamed of yourself.

Avril Lavigne cavorting with friends in a douchey cap and one more bonus nip shot NSFW:

Hey it’s Tuesday, that means it’s time for some hot chick in a swimsuit action! Other acceptable times are days that end in -day. It’s important to get your daily recommended intake of boobies to keep your gonads at optimum operating levels, or else they might shrivel up and turn into little Justin Biebers. You don’t want that to happen, now do you?

Open up and take your Adriana Lima!

Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber are both staying at The Cove Resort at Atlantis on Paradise Island in the Bahamas, and even though she’s technically old enough to be his mother (plenty of girls get pregnant at thirteen — maybe you’ve never heard of the “inner city”), that didn’t stop her from thrashing around with him in the ocean like a whale beached at low tide. The Daily Mail says

While 29-year-old Kim may seem too old for Justin, 16, fans needn’t worry – the two are simply working together.

They took part in a photoshoot and some filming at the exclusive resort. The two walked into the sea in evening dress, laughingly splashing one another as they played up to the cameras.

Interestingly, just 24 hours later, the entire Indian Ocean region was warned by The Pacific Tsunami Warning Center that an terrestrial impact registering a 7.5 on the Richter Scale had a occurred and could possibly trigger a tsunami. Coincidence, or the result of an ass the size of a Vokswagen lumbering around a continental shelf 10,000 miles to the west? Science may never know.

In a bikini with Christina Aguilera in Vegas last week:

Thanks to Lindsay Lohan, cocaine gets a really bad rap these days. It almost makes you forget just how awesome a drug it is. Just look at AnnaLynne McCord in her bikini, for starters. Now there’s an example of the Lady Caine doing a body good. And what about how interesting it makes normally boring people? Or being able to down an entire bottle of Southern Comfort without blacking out? And then there’s the totally fantastic sex for hours on end, without any of the guilt or shame that picking up a prostitute normally entails. And then the intestinal fortitude and superhuman strength it provides when you realize you accidentally killed said prostitute and now have to bury her body in the woods, except you don’t have a shovel, so you have to use your hands to dig the grave, and your car ran out of gas two miles back but you still somehow manage to push it the rest of the way while carrying the hooker potato-sack style on your back with three broken ribs and a bleeding stab wound — all in less than thirty minutes. You couldn’t do that stone-cold sober, my friends. Maybe you need to rethink your attitude on cocaine.

Bolivian marching powder, do your stuff: