Chris Brown has finally apologized for beating the hell out of ex-girlfriend Rihanna half a year ago. Like they say, timing is for pussies! He says in the video

“Hi, I’m Chris Brown. Since February my attorney has advised me not to speak out, even though since the incident I wanted to publicly express my deepest regret and accept full responsibility.

Although I would do some interviews and answer some questions in the future, I felt it was time you heard directly from me that I am sorry. I have tried to live my life in a way that would make those around me proud of me, and until recently, I think I was doing a pretty good job. I wish I had the chance to live those few moments again, but unfortunately I can’t.

I cannot go into what happened, and most importantly, I’m not going to sit here and make any excuses. I take great pride in me being able to exercise self-control and what I did was inexcusable. I am very sad and very ashamed of what I’ve done.

My mother and my spiritual teachers have taught me way better than that. I have told Rihanna countless times, and I’m telling you today that I am truly, truly sorry, and I wasn’t able to handle the situation both differently and better. I recognize that I’ve truly been blessed. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful family, wonderful friends and fans. God has been generous in giving me the ability which has brought me fame and fortune.

I have done a lot of soul-searching, and over the past several months I’ve talked with my minister and my mother, and I spent a lot of time trying to understand what happened and why. I have let a lot of people down, and I realize that.

No one is more disappointed than in me than I am. As many of you know, I grew up in a home where there was domestic violence and I saw firsthand what uncontrolled rage could do. I have sought and am continuing to seek help to ensure that what occurred in February can never happen again.

As I sit here today I can tell you that I will do everything in my power to make sure that it never happens again, and I promise that. What I did was unacceptable, 100 percent. I can only ask and pray that you forgive me, please. I hope that others learn from my mistakes. I intend to live my life so that I am truly worthy of the term ‘role model.’ Thank you.”

Unfortunately, Chris never once apologizes for being dressed like a gay chef. I think we can all agree that’s just inexcusable.

I’ve never watched Orca Oprah before. She’s always spouting her opinion and there’s all her little sycophantic followers who do whatever she says, reads whatever she tells them to read, and act like every word that comes from her mouth is gospel truth. But for once I have to agree with her. Friday she had a message for Rihanna–Run, bitch! The Daily News says,

Oprah Winfrey has a message for pop princess Rihanna, who prosecutors say was beaten to a pulp last month by boyfriend Chris Brown: “He will hit you again.”
Former Manhattan sex-crimes prosecutor Linda Fairstein’s warning is starker: He also could kill you.

Fairstein compared the fist-happy crooner to O.J. Simpson, who repeatedly beat his wife without consequence before she was slain in 1994.

“Love doesn’t hurt,” Winfrey said on her show Friday, while announcing she will dedicate a program this week to discussing domestic violence.

“I want to do a show about it, dedicated to all the Rihannas of the world.”

Speaking directly into the camera, Winfrey said, “If a man hits you once, he will hit you again. He will hit you again.”

“Many of the circumstances in her case were like the early warning signs in the O.J. Simpson case,” Fairstein said.

She pointed to several “red flags” that suggest Rihanna could be in the same danger as Nicole Brown Simpson was 15 years ago, getting hit repeatedly but not pressing charges and then reconciling with the former running back.

The allegation that Chris Brown choked Rihanna while saying “Now I’m really going to kill you” is a particularly bad sign, Fairstein said.

“Choking behavior is a very interesting factor. It’s hands on, face-to-face. It’s a very intimate type of violence,” she said.

Love doesn’t hurt? I guess Oprah’s never had the Jumbo Inflatable Dildo shoved up her hoo-ha. That sucker will have you walking like a cowboy for a week. Love hurts, but sometime’s it’s a good hurt, and it feels like I’m alive.

Chris Brown was formally charged with felony assault in a Los Angeles courtroom today for his February 8th beating of girlfriend Rihanna. TMZ reports

The L.A. County District Attorney has just charged Chris Brown with felony assault and making a criminal threat, also a felony. Brown will be arraigned today at 3:30 PM in downtown LA.

Given there were allegedly visible injuries, the crime of making criminal threats is punishable by up to nine years in prison.

Incidentally, LAPD detectives’ notes from a search warrant in the case were released today, and it’s worse than you initially thought. TMZ says

According to the notes, Rihanna read a three-page text message on Brown’s phone from a woman. An argument ensued and Brown allegedly tried forcing Rihanna out of the car but couldn’t because she was wearing her seat belt.

Brown then allegedly shoved Rihanna’s head against the passenger window. When Rihanna turned to face him, Brown punched her, then continued punching her while driving.

Blood spattered all over Rihanna’s clothing and in the interior of the car. Brown allegedly told Rihanna, “I’m going to beat the [shit] out of you when we get home. You wait and see.”

Rihanna called her assistant and left a message saying, “I am on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there.”

Brown then replied, “You just did the stupidest thing ever. I’m going to kill you.”

According to the report, Brown continued to punch Rihanna, bit her on her ear, her fingers and put her in a headlock — she almost lost consciousness.

Dear God. Surely this was the first time something like this had ever happened, right? Um… not exactly. According to The National Enquirer

[Rihanna] used makeup to cover up a bruised eye last summer, and confessed to pals that 19-year-old Brown had punched her.

Asked why she stayed with him, Rihanna told her friends: “When he hurts me, he’s a beast, but then he turns into my angel!”

I don’t know who I hate more right now. Chris Brown for being a woman-beating asswipe, or Rihanna for going back to him every time. He looks like Radio’s evil twin cousin and she’s like the retarded mouse that keeps going for the cheese in spite of the electric shocks. The only way this story has a happy ending is if Evil Radio eats Mouse Rihanna and then dies from Rat-Bite Fever. The end.