I think it’s awesome that there’s an Olympic sport that requires making a fake beach, and the athletes wear bikinis. Who let beach volleyball be an Olympic sport, anyway? Was regular volleyball just not cutting it? Hells no. Where else in the Olympics do you have the opportunity to watch hard-bodied women bend over, dive, tumble, and jump, then pick their wedgies? If you say gymnastics, you’re a sick bastard. They’ve all got the bodies of 11 year olds, you perv.

Gold-medal winners Kerri Walsh and Misty May showing the sand some love

Men and Women’s Individual BMX competitions were added to the roster for the first time at the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, along with modifications to the 10k Marathon Swim and Women’s 3000m Steeplechase. But for some reason, the IOC still refuses to recognize the oral sport of lesbian tongue wrestling. Russia gymnast Ksenia Semenova (pictured above with her coach) is clearly a natural. Such form! Such precision! That’s a double labial press with full upper body contact, and absolutely no training whatsoever! I can’t remember ever seeing such raw talent. Oh, wait — yes, I can. The director’s cut of “Sex Starved Fuck Sluts #22.” My mistake.

Sonya’s on the scene tomorrow, so I’ll see you snarky bastards Monday!