The official video for Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” featuring Beyonce hit the interwebs today, and it’s big ol’ hot mess of “Kill Bill” meets “Thelma and Louise,” but without any of the kitsch that made either of those movies so endearing. Us Magazine says

The [video] opens with the pop diva being escorted into a women’s prison. Two gruff female guards throw her into a cell and strip off her clothes.

Gaga, with pasties on her breasts, sheer tights, and no underwear, throws herself up against the bars of the cell; the camera blurs out the X-rated view of the star’s genitals.

Quips a guard: “I told you she didn’t have a dick.”

As the video continues, Gaga breaks out of jail with the help of the “Pussy Wagon” from Kill Bill, teams up with a flirty, pouty-mouthed Beyonce, poisons a diner full of people.

The star [said] that she wanted the “Telephone” video to convey “the idea that America is full of young people that are inundated with information and technology and turn it into something that was more of a commentary on the kind of country that we are.”

I fail to see how cigarette eyeglasses and prison yard bitch fights and high-kicking diner chefs convey any sort of message about technology’s influence on American conventions, but I’m not a big faggot with pink hair and my own gossip blog. My hair is brown, thank you very much. That must make all the difference when you’re watching this video.

Screen caps from the video:

Alicia Keys is currently in Rio de Janeiro filming a new music video with Beyonce for her latest single “Put It In a Love Song.” Although from these pictures, “Put It In a Love Song” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Now “The Ballad of the Sea Donkey,” that I could understand. I don’t know why singers try to make song titles so ambiguous sometimes.

Footage of them shooting the video here.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

Hi guys, it’s Sonya today. Did you know that nipples can stick to ice? It’s true. Just ask Abby when she gets back.

So, the Grammys happened last night, and like the dedicated blogger that I am, I didn’t watch them. I don’t really care who gets what, because it’s all a bunch of crap anyway. They never mention my favorite group, Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters, so I don’t bother. I am interested in what everyone wore, so here we go:

Taylor Swift’s dress fits kind of weird, I think.

Rihanna chose to let her dress do the choking

During a lapse in security, crazy lady Phoebe Price slipped in, as did super-classy Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Pink didn’t need to sneak in, she just snarled at security

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The year-end list-making frenzy is eating the innerwebs alive right now, but I know how you pervs operate so the only list we’re going to pay any attention to is the Daily Mail’s list of Most Desirable Celebrity Bodies.  From People:

While there remains no shortage of Hollywood starlets whose stick-thin frames continue to appear in magazines and on the red carpet, it seems now more than ever ordinary women are tiring of the look — and the possible extreme measures it takes to achieve that near-impossible standard. A recent survey, which polled 2,000 women aged 18 and over, found that stars with curvier, healthier figures were more desirable, reports the UK’s Daily Mail.  Could the era of too-too-skinny starlets be coming to an end?

I don’t agree with everyone on this list, but the top three — Kate Winslet, Kelly Brook and Halle Berry — are inarguably beautiful, and it certainly would be nice if people would quit trying to convince us that looking like an emaciated refugee or a cartoon character is sexy.  Kate Moss looks like she died at least four years ago, and that’s more “hot mess” than actually hot.  Katie Price isn’t scrawny, but she’s so shiny and orange and plastic and I just want to dress her up and put her in funny poses in shop windows.  I love Victoria Beckham because she’s delightfully insane, but let’s face it, she’s a bony alien with basketballs bolted to her chest and I don’t think that’s sexy.  So for the most part, I think this is actually a pretty good list.

The Daily Mail’s list of Most Desirable Bodies:

1. Kate Winslet (16% of votes)

2. Kelly Brook (15%)

3. Halle Berry (12%)

4. Cheryl Cole (10%)

5. Beyonce (6%)

6. Megan Fox (5%)

7. Lily Allen (4%)

8. Keeley Hazell (2%)

9. Kate Moss, Katie Price, and Victoria Beckham (tied at 1% each)

Beyonce did a little stage-diving in the crowd Monday night at London’s O2 arena as she wrapped up her hit song Halo in a free concert for her fans. What the video doesn’t show is the aftermath of hundreds of people’s spines simultaneously telescoping and discs herniating and lumbars spasming before they collapsed to the floor. I bet it looked just like Moses parting the Red Sea, only with more involuntary loss of bowel control and clutching of the lower back.

It’s hard to know where to look when fat girls try to be sexy. Your instinct is to flatten out and try to be inconspicuous as possible, but then you remember that shortbread cookies and cheese quesadillas are flat, too, and fat girls sure as hell don’t ignore those. So then you think you should maybe crawl under the table to hide, but then you remember that fat girls often hunt the floor in the hopes of finding the occasional wayward M&M that managed to escape their doughy fists before they could stuff it in their big fat pieholes. Basically, you’re screwed every which way you look. Your best bet is to throw something resembling food in the fat girl’s general direction and yell “FIRE!” as you sprint to the closest exit, but unfortunately, that doesn’t work with a video. I know I waved a chicken drumstick in front of my monitor for almost five goddamn minutes before Beyonce finally stopped thrusting her gut at me. Frankly, you’re better off just running away.

At Rihanna’s party at Mahiki with husband Jay-Z:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Hey campers.  It’s Sarah today.  Abby’s on vacation and I’m sick as shit, so let’s just cut right to the chase and have a nice chat about what a goddamn crybaby little bitch Kanye West is (not that this should surprise anyone who’s ever heard of the interwebs or music or television or assholes).  Remember back in 2006 when Kanye said he should be part of the Bible?  What about the 2006 MTV EMAs in Copenhagen when Kanye rushed the stage and had a temper tantrum because he didn’t win Video of the Year?  I mean Jesus, just look at the expression on Timbaland’s face around the 3:10 mark:

In 2007, Kanye made an appearance at Al Gore’s “Live Earth” global benefit concert and danced like a monkey because he was getting paid, then turned around and went right back to having $4000 meals flown halfway around the world just so his ass could feel fancy.  Then there were the 2007 MTV VMAs when Kanye pitched a hissy backstage after failing to win in any of the five categories for which he was nominated:

He wasn’t done pouting like a little girl, though.  He followed that up with more than a week of missed performances and interviews.  Kanye spent the majority of 2008 getting arrested for assault, and in the spring of 2009 he went on VH1’s Storytellers and went out of his way to sound as arrogant and retarded as possible.

Kanye West has spent the last few years doing everything in his power to be the most selfish, immature, tantrum-throwing diva in the world and he doesn’t give a fuck about other people, so what happened at last night’s 2009 MTV VMAs cannot possibly come as a shock to anyone.  Taylor Swift was a surprise winner for Best Female Video, and Kanye jumped on stage, grabbed the microphone from her and started yelling about how Beyoncé had “one of the best videos of all time”.  Poor Taylor had no idea what the hell to do and just stood there frozen:

“I was standing on stage and I was really excited because I’d just won the award and then I was really excited because Kanye West was on stage,” Swift recalled after the show. “And then I wasn’t excited anymore after that.”

Jesus, what a goddamn jackass.  Taylor Swift is 19 years old.  Nineteen.  She’s a KID.  That’s like running up to a tiny tot on the beach and taking a dump on their sandcastle whilst shrieking about how you once knew a dude who turned sand into fairy dust with his mind.  It makes you look unhinged and disgusting, and it makes everyone else totally uncomfortable.  Also, fairy dust is fake and pointlessly glittery, just like Beyoncé.

Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bodyguard assaulted a man who dared to take their picture while they were on vacation in Dubrovnik yesterday. NY Daily News says

The couple’s bodyguard had a scuffle with a Croatian paparazzo Tuesday night, tossing the photog’s tripod into the sea. Jay and his muscle gave paps the finger while speeding off in their motorboat.

A rep for the rapper declined to comment.

You know, if this had taken place in the United States instead of Croatia, and Jay-Z were white and the paparazzo were black, this would qualify as a “hate crime” and Jay-Z would get a minimum of six years in a state penitentiary. But it’s an Eastern Bloc nation and Jay-Z’s the black guy, so all that Croatian dude will get is a big “fuck you.” Celebrity justice at its finest!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

I always thought only fat kids at summer camp wore their t-shirt when they went swimming. Apparently, international pop stars do it, too.

Beyoncé in Miami yesterday:

Fashion magazines will tell you that if you’re pear-shaped, to try to wear clothing that draws the eye away from your hips and bottom, to play up your top half to balance your bottom half. The rules do not apply however, to Sasha Fierce. Her fashion rules say, “If it’s big, put a bow on it to make it bigger!” and “A girl can never wear too much gold or sequins. Gold sequins are even better,” and “Putting weird angles on your hips are good!”. I think she might be hiding a small village in that thing.

Performing at Bercy in Paris:

You may bleach and dye and straighten the girl until she doesn’t really look black anymore, but you can never take away her desire for over-the-top, showy clothes and bling-bling. If it doesn’t have sequins and a mermaid hem, then it has a train that requires its own handler (see Toby adjusting it below?) I think I saw this dress on a Bob Mackie for Barbie dress back in the 80’s. Do you girls remember those? Those were so ridiculously awesome. That Sears Wishbook would come every Christmastime and I’d eagerly flip to see what spangled, sequined creation would be outfitting Barbie that year. I never got one, dammit. Maybe Beyonce didn’t get one either, and that’s why she’s been dressing like a peacock.

At the premiere of the shitty-looking new movie “Obsessed”:

Howard Stern aired what was supposedly “raw board feed” of Beyonce screeching and mewing through a Today show performance last year on his Sirius radio show yesterday. Unfortunately, the whole thing was revealed to be a hoax today (the guy who made it offers his explanation after the jump), but of course, Beyonce’s insufferable asswipe of a father still had to get in his two cents. Matthew Knowles told Access Hollywood

“If no one took the time to look at the biggest Inauguration in the history of America then shame on them. If no one took the time to listen to Beyonce sing ‘America the Beautiful’ and ‘At Last’ at the Neighborhood Ball for the first dance of President Obama and the First Lady, and they question Beyonce’s vocal ability, they’ve gotta be an idiot.

At 12 years into her career, the last thing someone should be questioning is her vocal ability. That would be like questioning if Kobe Bryant could shoot a jump shot.”

Somewhere out there, Milli Vanilli, Ashlee Simpson and Hilary Duff are nodding their heads in staunch agreement. God knows the music industry never offers you anything but unfettered truth and raw talent.

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