Beyonce did a little stage-diving in the crowd Monday night at London’s O2 arena as she wrapped up her hit song Halo in a free concert for her fans. What the video doesn’t show is the aftermath of hundreds of people’s spines simultaneously telescoping and discs herniating and lumbars spasming before they collapsed to the floor. I bet it looked just like Moses parting the Red Sea, only with more involuntary loss of bowel control and sobbing.
It’s hard to know where to look when fat girls try to be sexy. Your instinct is to flatten out and try to be inconspicuous as possible, but then you remember that shortbread cookies and cheese quesadillas are flat, too, and fat girls sure as hell don’t ignore those. So then you think you should maybe crawl under the table to hide, but then you remember that fat girls often hunt the floor in the hopes of finding the occasional wayward M&M that managed to escape their doughy fists before they could stuff it in their big fat pieholes. Basically, you’re screwed every which way you look. Your best bet is to throw something resembling food in the fat girl’s general direction and yell “FIRE!” as you sprint to the closest exit, but unfortunately, that doesn’t work with a video. I know I waved a chicken drumstick in front of my monitor for almost five goddamn minutes before Beyonce finally stopped thrusting her gut at me. Frankly, you’re better off just running away.
Hey campers. It’s Sarah today. Abby’s on vacation and I’m sick as shit, so let’s just cut right to the chase and have a nice chat about what a goddamn crybaby little bitch Kanye West is (not that this should surprise anyone who’s ever heard of the interwebs or music or television or assholes). Remember back in 2006 when Kanye said he should be part of the Bible? What about the 2006 MTV EMAs in Copenhagen when Kanye rushed the stage and had a temper tantrum because he didn’t win Video of the Year? I mean Jesus, just look at the expression on Timbaland’s face around the 3:10 mark:
In 2007, Kanye made an appearance at Al Gore’s “Live Earth” global benefit concert and danced like a monkey because he was getting paid, then turned around and went right back to having $4000 meals flown halfway around the world just so his ass could feel fancy. Then there were the 2007 MTV VMAs when Kanye pitched a hissy backstage after failing to win in any of the five categories for which he was nominated:
He wasn’t done pouting like a little girl, though. He followed that up with more than a week of missed performances and interviews. Kanye spent the majority of 2008 getting arrested for assault, and in the spring of 2009 he went on VH1’s Storytellers and went out of his way to sound as arrogant and retarded as possible.
Kanye West has spent the last few years doing everything in his power to be the most selfish, immature, tantrum-throwing diva in the world and he doesn’t give a fuck about other people, so what happened at last night’s 2009 MTV VMAs cannot possibly come as a shock to anyone. Taylor Swift was a surprise winner for Best Female Video, and Kanye jumped on stage, grabbed the microphone from her and started yelling about how Beyoncé had “one of the best videos of all time”. Poor Taylor had no idea what the hell to do and just stood there frozen:
“I was standing on stage and I was really excited because I’d just won the award and then I was really excited because Kanye West was on stage,” Swift recalled after the show. “And then I wasn’t excited anymore after that.”
Jesus, what a goddamn jackass. Taylor Swift is 19 years old. Nineteen. She’s a KID. That’s like running up to a tiny tot on the beach and taking a dump on their sandcastle whilst shrieking about how you once knew a dude who turned sand into fairy dust with his mind. It makes you look unhinged and disgusting, and it makes everyone else totally uncomfortable. Also, fairy dust is fake and pointlessly glittery, just likeBeyoncé.
Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bodyguard assaulted a man who dared to take their picture while they were on vacation in Dubrovnik yesterday. NY Daily News says
The couple’s bodyguard had a scuffle with a Croatian paparazzo Tuesday night, tossing the photog’s tripod into the sea. Jay and his muscle gave paps the finger while speeding off in their motorboat.
A rep for the rapper declined to comment.
You know, if this had taken place in the United States instead of Croatia, and Jay-Z were white and the paparazzo were black, this would qualify as a “hate crime” and Jay-Z would get a minimum of six years in a state penitentiary. But it’s an Eastern Bloc nation and Jay-Z’s the black guy, so all that Croatian dude will get is a big “fuck you.” Celebrity justice at its finest!
Fashion magazines will tell you that if you’re pear-shaped, to try to wear clothing that draws the eye away from your hips and bottom, to play up your top half to balance your bottom half. The rules do not apply however, to Sasha Fierce. Her fashion rules say, “If it’s big, put a bow on it to make it bigger!” and “A girl can never wear too much gold or sequins. Gold sequins are even better,” and “Putting weird angles on your hips are good!”. I think she might be hiding a small village in that thing.
You may bleach and dye and straighten the girl until she doesn’t really look black anymore, but you can never take away her desire for over-the-top, showy clothes and bling-bling. If it doesn’t have sequins and a mermaid hem, then it has a train that requires its own handler (see Toby adjusting it below?) I think I saw this dress on a Bob Mackie for Barbie dress back in the 80’s. Do you girls remember those? Those were so ridiculously awesome. That Sears Wishbook would come every Christmastime and I’d eagerly flip to see what spangled, sequined creation would be outfitting Barbie that year. I never got one, dammit. Maybe Beyonce didn’t get one either, and that’s why she’s been dressing like a peacock.
At the premiere of the shitty-looking new movie “Obsessed”:
Howard Stern aired what was supposedly “raw board feed” of Beyonce screeching and mewing through a Today show performance last year on his Sirius radio show yesterday. Unfortunately, the whole thing was revealed to be a hoax today (the guy who made it offers his explanation after the jump), but of course, Beyonce’s insufferable asswipe of a father still had to get in his two cents. Matthew Knowles told Access Hollywood
“If no one took the time to look at the biggest Inauguration in the history of America then shame on them. If no one took the time to listen to Beyonce sing ‘America the Beautiful’ and ‘At Last’ at the Neighborhood Ball for the first dance of President Obama and the First Lady, and they question Beyonce’s vocal ability, they’ve gotta be an idiot.
At 12 years into her career, the last thing someone should be questioning is her vocal ability. That would be like questioning if Kobe Bryant could shoot a jump shot.”
Somewhere out there, Milli Vanilli, Ashlee Simpson and Hilary Duff are nodding their heads in staunch agreement. God knows the music industry never offers you anything but unfettered truth and raw talent.
Oh look, here’s Beyoncé performing at General Motors Place, the third stop on her Sasha Fierce tour. I still think the whole Sasha Fierce thing is dumb as hell, and I see Beyoncé is still dressing like a complete lunatic (and not at all in a delightfully cute way). However, this week is so dull that there’s a fair chance I might actually die of boredom by tomorrow afternoon, and these pictures are ever so slightly more interesting than looking at protesters of the G20 Summit.
But seriously, if somebody doesn’t have the common courtesy to get arrested for something scandalous or otherwise create some news soon, I’m gonna lose my mind.
Here’s Beyonce filming a new music video. I don’t know what’s going on with her undergarments, but when I get dressed, I try to make sure my hips aren’t exploding in fleshy mounds. I’m pretty sure you could do a place setting for two on those suckers. Looking at them makes me want to get a stick and poke it. Then of course I’d beat her with it because Beyonce annoys the shit out of me.
Followed by a bunch of men looking for their lunch:
I’m a day late and a dollar short on this one, but it seems that Beyonce suffered a wardrobe malfunction onstage at the Oscars Sunday night. Put your face right next to the monitor and squint and you’ll see it. You might need to tilt the screen a little. Maybe lean way back. Then ask yourself if scouring the internet for celebrity nipples is where you saw yourself ten years ago and try to determine at what point your life became a meaningless void. At least that’s the way I did it.
It seems that legendary jazz singer Etta James is ready to kick Beyonce’s ass for covering her famous song “At Last” at Barack Obama’s inauguration last month. TMZ says
71-year-old Etta James actually threatened to beat the crap out of Beyonce Knowles — and it’s caught all on tape!
At a concert in Seattle, Etta told the crowd, “Your President, the one with the big ears … he had that woman singing my song. She gone get her ass whipped. The great Beyonce … I can’t stand Beyonce.”
I’d be careful about threatening Beyonce if I were her. Beyonce’s back to her playing weight now, and Etta James looks like she was constructed entirely from old turkey necks. I wouldn’t be surprised if Beyonce dipped her ass in blue cheese and then gobbled her down like a damn buffalo wing. No, sir. You never underestimate the fat girl when there’s poultry around.
