This see-through Givenchy monstrosity is what Beyonce chose to wear to last night’s Met Gala. Puppeteers estimate that at least thirty Fraggles had to die in order for that dress to be made. I’m just glad Jim Henson’s not alive to see this.
People magazine revealed on the Today Show this morning that Beyonce had been named this year’s “World’s Most Beautiful Woman.” Note they don’t say which world, because it sure as hell isn’t Earth. Neptune, maybe, but not Earth. People Magazine says:
“I feel more beautiful than I’ve ever felt because I’ve given birth,” says PEOPLE’s 2012 World’s Most Beautiful Woman. “I have never felt so connected, never felt like I had such a purpose on this earth.”
Wow, World’s Most Beautiful Woman. That sounds like quite an honor. At least until you realize the competition on the Most Beautiful list included Kathie Lee Gifford and Michelle Obama.
The World’s Most Beautiful Woman on the beach in St. Barth’s:
Beyoncé and Jay-Z posted the very first pictures of their one-month-old baby Blue Ivy Carter online today. The Daily Mail says:
Instead of selling their first baby pictures to a glossy magazine for millions the music megastar couple decided to take control posting snaps of Blue to a tumblr blog.
[A message posted alongside the photos read]: ‘We welcome you to share in our joy. Thank you for respecting our privacy during this beautiful time in our lives. The Carter Family.’
Awwww… baby hands! They’re like my kryptonite. I’ll be incapable of sarcasm and vitriol for the next half hour at least.
Two-day old Blue Ivy Carter’s cries are featured on Jay-Z’s latest track “Glory,” which he posted on his website Life + Times this afternoon. Sadly, it’s all downhill after the crying baby. Us Magazine says:
The track was produced by Pharrell and credits little Blue as “B.I.C.”
The rapper is at his most emotional, rapping: “The most amazing feeling I feel, words can’t describe what I’m feeling for real / Baby, I paint the sky blue, my greatest creation was you.”
Referencing first-time mom Beyonce’s musical past, the hip hop star adds: “You’re the child of destiny / you’re the child of my destiny / you’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child.”
The notoriously private star even reveals that he and Beyonce, 30, conceived the baby in Paris, and opens up about a miscarriage in the past.
“Last time the miscarriage was tragic / We was afraid you’d disappear but nah baby you’re magic.”
So Jay-Z is rapping about ovulation and blue skies and shit now. WTF. Beyonce’s like the fucking black Yoko Ono.
Beyonce Knowles’ (surrogate) gave birth to a baby girl named Blue Ivy Carter Saturday morning in New York. Apparently Bey and Jay Z want her to grow up to be comic book villainess. People Magazine says:
The couple chose the name “Ivy” because of the number 4 or Roman numeral IV, which is significant in Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s relationship.
Blue Ivy [is a combination of] “Blue” for Jay-Z’s Blueprint albums and [the first two letters of the the name "IVy" are the same two letters as the Roman numeral 4], which is their favorite number.
Beyoncé’s birthday is Sept. 4, while Jay-Z’s is Dec. 4; the two married on April 4 in 2008; they have matching “IV” tattoos on their wedding fingers; and Beyoncé named her latest album 4.
Somebody sure put a whole lot of thought in that name. I usually just named my kids after whatever brand of whiskey I happen to be drinking when I got knocked up. Jameson, Templeton, and Jack Daniel, respectively.
Promoting “Live at Roseland: The Elements of 4″ in New York last month:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Opportunely timed for the announcement of his upcoming mewling spawn with Beyonce, a bombshell has dropped on Jay-Z with the news of a secret lovechild. The Daily Mail says:
The 41-year-old rapper, who has been married to the Crazy In Love singer for three years, allegedly has a secret child.
The 99 Problems singer reportedly fathered a young boy nine years ago with Trinidad model Shenelle Scott, according to Star magazine.
Jerard Andrews says his son Malik Sayeed was wrongly identified as the father, and DNA tests prove that Jay-Z is the boy’s biological dad.‘At the time [he] was born, my son Malik thought he was his child, but they did DNA tests,’ he told the publication.
‘It’s been determined that [the child is] Jay-Z’s baby.’
According to the magazine, friends urged Sayeed to get a paternity test after the baby’s arrival because Scott had been seen around Jay-Z.
A source told the magazine that the child posses many of Jay-Z’s features, and that the rap mogul is currently paying Scott child support.He is said to have even helped the new mother set up a home in Trinidad to raise the child.
‘Shenelle told me that Jay-Z gave her $1 million to keep her mouth shut,’ Jerald told Star.
‘My understanding is that he’s paying her child support.
‘Shenelle took the money and bought herself a really nice house in Trinidad that the whole family lives in now.’
According to the magazine, Jay-Z’s 30-year-old wife Beyonce, who is currently pregnant with their child, is well aware of boy and while at first furious, she has come to accept it.
It is unclear if the baby was conceived before Jay-Z met Beyonce, who has has been with for close to ten years.
Her husband is also reportedly still in contact with Scott, and has expressed interest in being a part of his son’s life.
‘She says he’s a good father and he has a lot of interest in [the boy],’ he told Star.
‘It was a big old mess at one time, but I think once they resolved the issue of fatherhood, of paternity, I think things started to level off.’
I’d be surprised if he didn’t have at least 5 bastard children tucked away, living off welfare. Black men make random sperm deposits as regularly as depositing paychecks–that is, if black men actually had jobs, aside from selling drugs or raping white women.
Beyonce channeling medieval times in her trunkhose, because Jay-Z’s face scares the kids:
Lady Gaga wasn’t the only one with a prosthetic appendage at the MTV Video Music Awards — it seems Beyonce was also wearing a fake baby bump to make her pregnancy announcement more “dramatic.” MSNBC says:
They aren’t saying she is NOT pregnant, just not pregnant enough to have any sort of noticeable bump.
“She wanted the announcement to be dramatic, so she made sure she had a [prosthetic] baby bump,” a source [is quoted] as saying.
A fake penis and a fake pregnancy? I dunno, this sounds suspiciously like my plan to trick Jake Gyllenhaal into marrying me.
Real belly in Croatia yesterday (above); prosthetic belly at the VMAs (below):
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
This is a day late and a dollar short, but Beyonce managed to steal Lady Gaga’s Jo Calderone thunder by announcing she was three months’ pregnant with husband Jay-Z’s first child at the MTV Video Music Awards this past Sunday. Thankfully, I didn’t have to watch the VMAs because Hurricane Irene knocked out all the power, so it’s probably best that I just nod approvingly and pretend I know what’s going on from here on out. Us Magazine says:
Radiant in D&G pants and a sequined top, Beyonce began her song “Love on Top” with a rousing invitation to the audience: “Tonight, I want you to stand up on your feet — I want you to feel the love that’s growing inside me!”
Once her showstopping, energetic song was done, the superstar, 29, then unbuttoned her jacket, rubbed her belly, and flashed a giant smile. In the audience, cameras showed hubby Jay-Z beaming ear-to-ear as pal Kanye West congratulated him.
It will be the first child for Beyonce and Jay-Z (real name: Shawn Carter), 41, who wed in April 2008.
So Beyonce’s belly beat out Lady Gaga’s tuck for headlines, and you know how Lady Gaga has to be the center of attention at any show she attends (see here, here, here and here, for starters). I bet that really stuck in ol’ Gaga’s craw. And for the record, “ol’ Gaga’s craw” just made #3 on my list of “The Top Ten Things I Never Want to See as Long as I Live,” followed closely by “Charlie Sheen’s anal warts” and “The Cleveland Show.”
Lady Gaga as angry Ralph Macchio Jo Calderone here; video of Beyonce’s announcement after the jump:
Beyonce is releasing several videos to “visually tell the story of her new album 4,” the latest of which is the god-awful “1+1.” The song is bad enough on its own (80′s power ballad guitar solo, anyone?), but the video looks like it was made using Windows media player’s color visuals. The only thing it’s got going for it is that she’s in her underpants a lot, but it’s hard to appreciate said underpants when they’re on someone who looks like she just got done rolling around inside of a bucket of KFC and bacon drippings. I just want to hand her a moist towelette and some powder and be done with it.
Following in the footsteps of her idol Gwyneth Paltrow, Beyonce takes to Harper’s Bazaar to do a little cross-magazine-article ego-stroking. Get a room, ladies. Says Digital Spy,
Beyoncé has said that she wants to be more like friend Gwyneth Paltrow.
In an interview with Harper’s Bazaar, the ‘Run The World (Girls)’ singer revealed that she holds Paltrow in high esteem and admires the way she lives her life.
“She pushes her boundaries all the time. You go to her house and she makes you feel like you never want to go home. She is what I strive to be one day,” Beyoncé said.
The 29-year-old also gave high praise to Lady GaGa, who she collaborated with on ‘Telephone’, adding: “She’s not afraid. I love that. She wanted me to do something crazy, and so I just rolled with it.”
Beyoncé was recently rumored to be writing a soul food cookbook, for which she is said to have sought advice from Paltrow.
I’m sorry, what? A black woman asking for advice about soul food from a hoity-toity skinny white lady? It’s been 146 years since slavery was abolished, and Aunt Jemima is still pouring on the kiss-ass to whitey.
Does Massa’s wife know you’re playing dress-up with her clothes?
If you took Mariah Carey’s “We Belong Together” video from 2005, an extended director’s-cut version of a David’s Bridal commercial, the hilltop scene from “The Sound of Music,” and VHS footage from your high school’s 1996 homecoming dance, you’d have Beyonce’s shitty new video for “Best Thing I Never Had.” In case lyrics like “you showed your ass” and “sucks to be you right now” didn’t already tip you off that it was gonna be terrible.
Promo pics for her new album 4:
The faggy kid was the big winner of American Idol’s tenth season, beating out the chubby girl in a star-studded crapfest that I didn’t bother watching last night because I was too busy huffing glue. The Daily Mail says:
With an astonishing 122million votes cast by viewers, there was no doubt that Scotty McCreery was the popular choice, with Lauren Alaina coming in second place.
‘I never in my wildest dreams,’ said an emotional Scotty, whose strikingly deep, old-soul voice defies his youth.
The religious 17-year-old then added: I’ve got to thank the Lord first… he got me here.’
The star-studded show featured performances from Lady Gaga, Bono, The Edge, Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce, Judas Priest, Kirk Franklin, Jack Black, Tony Bennett, Carrie Underwood and Tom Jones.
Bono? Really, Bono was on American Idol promoting some Spiderman shit? And I thought I he couldn’t sink any lower than hawking Louis Vuitton man-purses for Marc Jacobs. That just goes to show you should never bank on artist integrity when there’s a dollar at stake. I think selling out just reached its zenith.
Lady Gaga and Jennifer Lopez performing (video of both, plus Beyonce & the female finalists after the jump):
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
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