Rapper Eminem and teenybopper puke Justin Bieber were the big winners at last night’s Billboard Music Awards, each taking homo home six different awards for their insufferable “contributions” to music. People Magazine says:
Taylor Swift was the first winner of the night at Sunday’s 2011 Billboard Music Awards, where she was named 200 Album Artist of the Year and Country Artist of the Year.
Justin Bieber was a triple winner, as Digital Artist of the Year, Top New Artist and Fan Favoritez, while Britney Spears [was awarded] Female Artist of the Year.
Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” was named Top Hot 100 Song. Lady Antebellum took Country Song of the Year, [and] the Black Eyed Peas were the Top Duo/Group.
After reading the complete list of winners, I have never been so grateful to have been a teenager during the forefront of the grunge movement. The mid-nineties were a magical time, a time when musicians actually played instruments and sang without autotune and digital masking and rappers were still black and didn’t collaborate with the likes of Katy Perry and Big Time Rush. Look for it only in books, for it is no more than a dream remembered, a musical era gone with the wind.
Rihanna, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift after the jump:
The talk of the evening at last night’s 2011 Billboard Music Awards was supposed to be Britney Spears2003 VMAS-esque lesbian kiss with Rihanna during their S&M performance. It wasn’t. All anyone can talk about this morning is Beyonce’s spectacular Run the World performance. Honestly, it was so choreographically impressive and well-staged that you almost forget the song sounds like someone stuffing a kazoo in and out of a hippopotamus’ ass while reenacting “Stomp” in wooden clogs.
Beyonce’s Millenium Artist Award tribute + Run the World performance (FF to the 3:07 mark to skip the tribute video):
Beyonce looked like some kind of Far East prostitute/Ming vase hybrid at the Met’s Costume Gala Ball Monday night, and besides cutting off the circulation to her cleavage, her Emilio Pucci gown was so tight that it made taking stairs impossible. According to Nine MSN:
Beyonce couldn’t climb the stairs on her own. She had to be hoisted up by her husband Jay Z and a helper.
Maybe she didn’t plan for anything more athletic than shuffling down the red carpet.
What a stupid fucking dress. There’s no form and there’s no function. It looks like she was shrink-wrapped upside down in Chinese tapestries like some kind of crappy gift basket you might get from a distant relative at Christmas. At least Hickory Farms makes sure to load theirs with Beef Summer Sausages. I bet there’s not even a cheese log in there!
It’s been three years since Beyonce released her last album, and if you wonder what she’s been doing all that time, I think I’ve got a pretty good idea. Right now I’m tipping back an imaginary bottle and doing that “drinky-drinky” thing with my hand. Only it’s not a pretend bottle of beer, it’s a jar of mayonnaise, and that drinky-drinky thing looks more like I’m shoveling in an entire pound cake with both hands and crying.
One of the big headlines this morning is that Beyonce’s father Matthew Knowles will no longer be acting as her manager. Why anyone gives a shit about this is beyond me. Us Magazine says:
After a professional lifetime together, the superstar and her father Matthew Knowles have parted ways, with Matthew no longer managing the “Halo” singer.
“I’ve only parted ways with my father on a business level,” Beyonce [said] in a statement. “He is my father for life and I love my dad dearly. I am grateful for everything he has taught me. I grew up watching both he and my mother [Tina Knowles] manage and own their own businesses. They were hard-working entrepreneurs and I will continue to follow in their footsteps.”
Matthew [says of] the momentous decision: “We mutually agreed to part ways in terms of me managing Beyonce, as my focus is in the investment of Music World Entertainment’s growing gospel and inspirational music division, which includes Top 10 artists Trinity 5:7, Brian Courtney Wilson, Micha Stampley, Vanessa Bell Armstrong and Dr. Juanita Bynum.Because of the success of all of these artists, my focus has to be on gospel now.”
There were a lot of words in that statement, not one of them “bikini.” Fortunately, I’ve taken it upon myself to rectify that.
From her Sports Illustrated shoot a few years back:
Jay-Z and Beyonce may soon be switching from sipping Cristal to Kool-Aid, thanks to friend and Scientologist Will Smith. Says MediaTakeOut,
Jay Z and Will Smith have long been friends, but in recent months, their friendship has gotten a lot stronger. And a person close to Jay’s family is concerned that Will’s SCIENTOLOGY WAYS are rubbing off on the Brooklyn Rapper.
The insider, who spoke EXCLUSIVELY to MediaTakeOut.com tells us that Will wants Jay Z and Beyonce to JOIN SCIENTOLOGY!!! And Jay might have JOINED THE CHURCH!!
The insider told MediaTakeOut.com, “[Jay Z] does not sound the same . . . I overheard him [ranting] about the power of the mind, and he sounded crazy.”
I don’t see why any black person would not want to join a cult whose founder viewed the South African race as primitive, unable to take care of their own possessions, and supported white men overseeing them. But at least he didn’t blame them entirely–it was all the heavy space opera going on. If nothing else, at least Jay-Z should have some new material to work with. “Heavy Space Opera” sounds like a great title for a new song, right along with “I’m Just an Ignorant Pickaninny”.
Beyonce gave husband Jay-Z a $2 million dollar car for his 41st birthday. For my birthday, I got a pair of knock-off Uggs and an electric toothbrush. After I reminded my husband my birthday was actually two months ago. Page Six says:
Beyonce bought her hubby Jay-Z a $2 million Bugatti Veyron for his 41st birthday.
The starlet had to wait a full year after ordering the Grand Sport edition because of the precision and attention to detail the carmakers spend on the vehicle. The Veyron can reach 255 mph and accelerates from 0-60 in 2.5 seconds.
Beyoncé reportedly paid for the car in full.
You’d think that gift would be un-toppable, but you’d be wrong. That car’s gonna depreciate the second it’s driven off the lot. Aaron Neville’s mole, however, will not. The resale value on that thing has got to be through the freakin’ roof. It’s a very exclusive commodity. Only one person in the whole world can have Aaron Neville’s mole at a time. Unless you cut it in half or something, but what the hell would you want with half a mole? My point exactly.
Beyonce at the Derby in November (top) and hosting Lorraine Schwartz’ 2BHappy jewelery launch this week (bottom):
After it received a number of complaints from Anglo-Saxon Protestant types that it was “too sexually provocative to be seen by young children before 7:30 p.m.,” the British Advertising Standards Authority has officialy banned a commercial featuring Beyoncé from daytime television. The freaks must come out at eight o’clock sharp on the other side of the pond. The Daily Mail says:
The ad shows the singer lying naked in the middle of a room.
She is then shown moving her hand down her neck and caressing her breast.
She begins dancing seductively with the camera showing her chest, back and thighs.
The ad closes with Beyoncé walking away from the camera, her footprints melting the floor. She turns and says: ‘Catch the fever.’ A male voiceover then says: ‘Beyoncé Heat. The first fragrance, by Beyoncé.’
Wait — so it’s supposed to be perfume? Well, that’s an unexpected twist! I just assumed it was hot sauce.
I didn’t report on this yesterday because it’s boring and nobody cares: Beyonce might be pregnant. Or not. Wheeee. Us Magazine says:
The 29-year-old singer is pregnant with her first child… [and] is in her first trimester
Friends of the couple are already expressing their well-wishes for the parents-to-be, [with] Knowles’ sister Solange [saying], “She’ll be a great mom.”
But Beyonce’s mother Tina went on The Ellen Degeneres Show to categorically deny the pregnancy to the media. The Daily Mail says:
In a clip released ahead of today’s show, [Beyonce's mother] tells the talkshow host, “No, no. It’s not true. Not right now.”
Earlier a spokesman for the singer had refused to comment on the reports, but did not issue a denial.
Instead her her mother spoke out.
Tina joked: ‘I’m here to clear the rumors up. The truth is that it’s me, not Beyonce, that’s pregnant. It’s me,” before adding, “I’m kidding, no, no I’m 56.”
I learned in middle school that that the best way to deal with confrontation in your life is to let your mom handle it. Provided running away or playing dead isn’t an option.
It seems impossible for someone with an ass that big to have tits that small, but Beyonce somehow defies all known laws of physics. I’ve seen amusement park caricatures that weren’t so anatomically distorted.
Hi guys, it’s Sonya again for today, but Abby will be back tomorrow. The MTV Movie Awards were last night, but if you’re like me, I refuse to watch an award show where New Moon wins anything besides a steaming pile of crap. So, the big news was that Sandra Bullock kissed Scarlett Johansson, Mark Wahlberg humped Will Ferrell as they were suspended in harnesses, and Tom Cruise reprised his Les Grossman role from Tropic Thunder while dancing with Beyonce. It’s kind of nice to see him taking himself a little less seriously, but he’s still a creepy midget nutjob, and his “funny” falls kind of flat. But all I really care about is what everyone was wearing, so down with Xenu and let’s check out the clothes.
100 crows had to die for Christina Aguilera to look this good bad:
