I just don’t get Britney Spears. From one angle, she looks terrific, and then from another angle, she looks like she has the arms of the Michelin Man and the gut of a retired linebacker. The only way this makes any sense is if she’s a shapeshifter or randomly experiencing bursts of increasing gravitational pull.

In Australia with the kiddies and boyfriend Jason Tratwick (more pics after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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I don’t know why Marisa Miller posted these pictures on her blog, but I also don’t care because her breasts are pretty much the most interesting thing that’s happened all damn day.

Singer Kelly Rowland flounced around in a little white string bikini in Miami yesterday, where she is currently shooting a video with rapper 50 Cent. You’ll remember Kelly as “the ugly one” from the all-girl R&B group En Vogue. No, wait — maybe it was TLC. Or was it Exposé? Dammit, I can never remember. Hang on while I Wiki it real quick. Let’s see… okay, here we go — it says, “who fucking cares.” Hmm. I’ll make sure to write that one down so I don’t forget it next time.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

These photos of 29-year-old Christina Ricci in a bikini in Miami with her new boyfriend are really amazing. I mean, with all that forehead, you’d think they’d have to print a “to be continued” on every last one of the pics, but they somehow managed to fit all of it inside the frame. That’s some serious quality photography right there. I bet it’d be like watching a goddamn drive-in movie if you could see inside her head when she dreamed.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

The Office’s Pam Beasly looks absolutely amazing on the cover of next month’s Shape magazine. And the best part is, she didn’t even use a personal trainer or dietitian to lose all the weight — she’s been completey hands-on, doing it all by herself. Ha ha, that’s what she said! Okay, so maybe it’s funnier when Michael Scott says it.

Showing a little cleave at the “He’s Just Not That Into You” premiere:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News

In classical mythology, ambrosia was the nectar of the gods that begat immortality to anyone who drank it. It stands to reason that Ambrosio must be the stuff that comes out when one of the gods ejaculates perfection, because Alessandra Ambrosio is positively divine. Sure as hell beats someone eating your mother in fly form and then taking an ax to his head to give birth to you. That’s right, Minerva and her suit of armor can suck it!

Bikini shoot in St. Barths:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Boy, it sure would be nice to stand in front of a wind machine in some of the most exotic locals in the world while someone oils up my ass and another person arranges my hair extensions, à la Miranda Kerr in this Victoria’s Secret photoshoot. But no, some of us actually have to get up by ten o’clock and wipe the vomit/semen/tears from our pajamas and get crackin’ on another tough day of making fun of people on the computer. Some people have all the luck!

Somewhere fancy that you aren’t:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

This is the only known remedy for the fuckery that was the previous Adam Lambert post: lots of Victoria’s Secret model Marisa Miller in a bikini. Take two pictures twice an hour with a full glass of scotch and call me in the morning. Or don’t call me in the morning. Whatever. It’s not like any of the other guys I bring home ever do, anyway.

Marisa with some other models for a VS swimsuit catalog shoot in Saint Barthelemy:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

45-year old Courtney Cox shot some bikini scenes for her soon-to-be-canceled show “Cougar Town” on the Will Rogers State Beach in Malibu last week. I have to admit, she looks pretty darn good for her age. She’s like a fine wine or imported cheese. And not just because she appears to have a cork up her ass and you can see all those blue veins on the backs of her thighs, either. That’s just a happy coincidence.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Those “water goddess” pictures of Kim Kardashian I put up earlier this week were actually part of her shoot for next month’s South African FHM. Because really, with all the HIV, gang rape, and rampant murder, why wouldn’t you want to do a bikini shoot in South Africa? For authenticity’s sake, though, they should have included a few shots of a farmer getting stabbed in the neck and maybe a school girl or two being jackrolled in the background. These just smack of American opulence.

These pictures of Twilight’s Ashley Greene are like a year old, but all the other cool kids are putting them up, so far be it from me not to follow suit. Besides, lots of things get better as they get older. These pictures might have been aged in an oak barrel in an underground cellar in France for the last 12 months for all I know. I’m pretty sure I could charge you extra for that.

Actress and former face of Lancome cosmetics Uma Thurman attempts “bordello sexy” in a spread for next months’ W magazine. The Daily Mail says

The 39-year-old smoulders on a couch clad in a feathered stole, and black stockings and suspenders in a photoshoot for W magazine.

The 39-year-old looks like a tragic actress on the way down the greasy pole of celebrity.

“Greasy pole of celebrity?” Funny, I always just called him “Mickey Rourke.” To each his own, I guess.

Bonus pics of Kim Kardashian in — what else? — a bikini: