This is the best Demi Lovato’s looked since she got out of rehab and got all fat. I don’t know if it’s the angle or her position or what, but I’m inclined to believe I would in fact hit that. I know, I was just as surprised as you are.

At the Sheraton Hotel in Chile:

I don’t like Kelly Brook’s new blonde hair or her huge Linda Richman glasses or her ugly crochet swimsuit, but she’s still in a bikini. It’s really the best thing that’s happened all damn day.

In Rio last week:

Maria Menounous bet “Extra” co-host Mario Lopez that she would strip down to nothing but a Giants bikini out in the freezing-ass cold in the middle of Times Square if the Patriots lost the Super Bowl, and she made good on her word yesterday afternoon. Damn she’s fine. I’m starting to think maybe someone paid off a couple of wide receivers to throw the game just so she’d have to do it.

In newly released testimony from her 2009 legal petition for a restraining order against mother Courtney Love, Frances Bean Cobain accused mommy dearest of killing the family dog and cat and dragging her along on drunken domestic altercations with various ex-boyfriends. I bet that makes Mother’s Day kinda awkward — don’t know that Hallmark makes a card for “The Mother Who Must Remian 500 Feet Away All Times.” The Daily Mail says:

Backed by evidence from her male nanny and others the judge granted [Frances'] request, as well as ordering the Hole singer stay away from her daughter’s pet dog Uncle Fester.

Frances said her mother’s chaotic behavior was the reason for the death of two family pets — her cat died after getting entangled in piles of boxes of paperwork, trash and other possessions, while a dog died allegedly after swallowing a pile of Love’s pills.

[Frances also claimed that] her mother dragged her to James Barber’s house when she was 17, and that she sat in a taxi while her mother had a volcanic confrontation with her then boyfriend, [saying], “She’s outside the house, in her bare feet, [screaming] at him… she threw rocks at the house, and threatened to burn his house down… his children were inside the house, but that did not stop my mother.”

And then for good measure, Frances adds:

“[My mother] has taken drugs for as long as I can remember. She basically exists now on Xanax, Adderall, Sonata and Abilify, sugar and cigarettes.

She rarely eats… She often falls asleep in her bed while she is smoking, and I am constantly worried that she will start a fire (which she has done at least three times) that will threaten our lives.”

And then there’s this little gem, from Courtney herself:

[Love] said: “The strange thing is, while the crack screwed me up in a lot of ways, it improved me in certain others.

I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a fucking whiz at calculus.”

Now it’s time for some Kate Upton in a bikini again, because I know the human brain can only take so much Courtney Love before it spontaneously shuts down. Reports indicate that “24 Hours of Courtney Love” was responsible for 95% of all temporary amnesia cases in the year 2002 alone. I’m pretty sure the other five percent have something to do with soap opera villains.

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter’s 25-year-old sister Leslie died last night in what is believed to have been an accidental overdose of prescription medication. TMZ says:

The 25-year-old sister of Nick Carter had recently moved from Canada to Upstate New York to live with family members while she attempted to kick her addiction.

Family members had attempted to rid the home of any prescription medication — including Xanax — and were hopeful Leslie was on the road to recovery.

Sources say family members believed Leslie would be OK to stay alone in the home for roughly an hour yesterday while they ran errands … but when they returned, Leslie was unconscious.

Officials were called to the scene … but Leslie could not be saved.

We’re told Leslie’s 1-year-old daughter was not at home with Carter at the time of her death.

The cracked-out apple sure doesn’t fall far from the fucked-up tree, does it? This is why alcoholic stage mothers should just be spayed. Otherwise you wind up with kids that are more like feral cats than people.

Guess/Victoria’s Secret model Kate Upton for Deep Blue swimwear, because she doesn’t haven a meth-carved exoskeleton:

Welcome to Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel’s office, or “St. Barth’s” as it’s known to the rest of us. Saying her life is better than yours is like saying Rosie O’Donnell looks a little like a female Nacho Libre. An understatement to say the least.

Sophie Monk is barely D-list, but she looks fantastic in a bikini, so here you go. Pandering to the lowest common denominator is practically an art for me now.

In the February issue of Maxim Australia:

In an earlier post, I may have insinuated that Rihanna was a bit of an attention-whore. I was wrong. She’s actually a huge attention-whore. I’m glad we finally got a chance to clear that up.

In Hawaii with her friends (via Twitter):

Despite recently reuniting with her husband of sixteen days, it’s not been all sunshine and roses for 45-year-old Sinead O’Connor. In fact, just yesterday she took to Twitter to announce that she was “really unwell” and in need of immediate psychiatric attention. The Daily Mail says:

Taking to the social networking site, the mother-of-four claimed that she was in ‘danger’ if she didn’t receive medicine immediately.

The singer began her series of odd Tweets by claiming that Ireland is a ‘VERY hard place to find help in.’

‘Does any1 know a psychiatrist in dublin or wicklow who could urgently see me today please? im really un-well… and in danger,’ she tweeted to her 5,422 followers.

And just what does Victoria’s Secret Angel Candice Swanepoel in their Spring 2012 swimsuit catalog have to do with Sinead O’Connor? Not a goddamn thing. After that tattoo, I thought you’d already suffered enough.

There’s something different about Cameron Diaz when comparing these photos of her in Hawaii two weeks ago (left) and photos of her last year (right), and it’s not just the hair. The Daily Mail says:

The Charlie’s Angels star, 39, was spotted on the beach in Hawaii over the holidays looking rather shapely, prompting rumors she’s gone under the knife.

The actress is said to have had implants to boost her chest by a cup size.

Cameron has previously said she’d prefer a more curvy figure, telling Marie Claire in 2009: ‘I’d love to be more voluptuous. It’s just not my body type.”

You know that expression “useless as tits on a boar?” Well, this is a close second.

If someone had told me that there were busty girls in string bikinis jumping up and down and spreading their legs in Bochee Ball, I might have actually played it, instead of just yelling that it was a game for faggots and urinating on the green. In hindsight, that may have been a tad premature.

LeAnn Rimes playing Bochee Ball/aerial jumping jacks in Hawaii (10 more pics after the jump):

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Nothing ruins a good bikini picture like a stupid baby. It makes masturbating take twice as long, and as you well know, I don’t have that kind of time. Not while the ancient flowers in the Larunya Mines in Zelda Skyward Sword still beckon.

LeAnn Rimes in Hawaii over the weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures