Perez Hilton celebrated his 34th birthday with a Mad Hatter-themed party at Siren Studios in Hollywood, meaning yet again he’s managed to make it another year without being beaten to death with a tire iron. The party was a real who’s who of D-listers and reality-show-stars-whose-names-nobody-remembers because-they’re-from-six-seasons-ago, and of course no
D-list/reality show simpleton party is complete without a retired porn star on the scene. Unfortunately, no retired porn stars ever showed up. All I could find were these pics of Lucy Liu in a busted wig doing a wicked Lindsay Lohan impression.

Jenna Jameson on the red carpet:

It seems every day brings with it a new story illustrating just how pathetic Demi Moore has become in her desperate attempts to cling to youth. Case in point: Remember that party with the penis birthday cake? Demi does too, because she “secretly” was there. Hint: If you have to secretly attend a party, that could be a sign that you shouldn’t be there. Just a thought. Says TMZ,

Multiple sources who were at Club Icon on January 14 tell us … Demi was hanging out with her daughter Rumer and some young friends … mostly kickin’ it in the VIP section.

We’re told Demi was drinking Red Bull all night … a drink she’s been obsessively sucking down for years. We’re told she left with Rumer sometime after midnight.

A few days later, Demi was seen clubbing with Rumer around Hollywood … and on January 23rd, she was hospitalized after inhaling nitrous oxide in the form of whip-its, a drug that’s super popular with high school kids.

I feel bad for Rumer. I mean, it’s gotta be tough to have a mom who wants to tag along with you and your friends. They probably talk shit about her, and Rumer probably has to make excuses for her. It could be worse, though. They should be glad that their company is all that she’s after. She could looking to assimilate their organs and fluids in order to regenerate.

Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel McAdams at the premiere of Journey 2: The Mysterious Island:

Miley Cyrus doesn’t turn 18 until tomorrow, she didn’t waste any time participating in less-than-childlike activities. Says Us Magazine,

Clad in a black bra and leather pants, Cyrus leaned up against a banquette as teen star Avan Jogia seductively nuzzled her neck at Trousdale nightclub.

But her steamy smooch with the Victorious actor, 18, wasn’t the only thing that had partygoers gawking.

“She was so busy dancing and hanging with her friends,” an eyewitness tells UsMagazine.com, adding that Cyrus and Ke$ha had a dance-off to Pink‘s “Raise Your Glass” that brought “everyone out on the dance floor.”

And don’t expect the party to stop anytime soon: Earlier that evening, Cyrus told Access Hollywood that her birthday festivities will continue for at least another week.

“I have a birthday month,” she said. “I do the whole month of November. Thanksgiving, cake — [it's] all about me on Thanksgiving!”

I’m not sure this is quite what the Puritans had in mind when they fled to America amidst religious persecution. I don’t really see Fanny Goodwyfe shucking her buckled shoes and pulling up her dress to bump and grind. But if she did, maybe they would have spent less time burning witches and more time “knowing each other” in the Biblical sense and being happy.

With a really big stupid painting of herself, and with pal Rumer Willis and their moms.

Tara Reid celebrated her 45th 35th birthday at the VIP Room in St. Barths yesterday, and of course her botched tit fell out of her Forever 21 acetate-polyester blend dress while she was there. It was the only way I knew for sure it was Tara and not actually Gunnar Nelson in drag.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

A $1 million diamond-encrusted birthday cake was going to be served to Kim Kardashian at one of her 30th birthday parties this weekend until somebody realized they were gonna have to sift through Kim Kardashian’s shit to get their diamonds back Kim put the kibosh on the deal because the price tag was “ridiculous.” Radar Online says:

“Kim was adamantly against accepting the cake,” an organizer of the reality star’s birthday festivities [said. The] Manhattan restaurateur who made the cake was slated to unveil it in a news conference Friday, but has since canceled the event.

Kim reacted to the news of the pricey cake Thursday, posting on her blog, “First of all, this is the first I’ve heard about this, and I would never allow anyone to spend that much money on a cake.

Making a million dollar birthday cake is just ridiculous! I’d rather they give me a cupcake and donate the rest of the money to the homeless!”

Yes, if there’s one thing Kim Kardashian is known for, it’s her utter disdain for wanton frivolity and Caligulan excess. That’s why she’s only had four birthday parties (one at Tao in Vegas; one on a private yacht; one in Toronto; and tonight’s at Amnesia in New York ) instead of five. I mean, FIVE parties? Now that would be a little over the top! It’s just not Kim’s style.

Heading to the Angel Ball at Cipriani (10 more after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Long-gone are the days of matching dress shirts and Sears family portraits — Jon Gosselin is whining to anybody who’ll listen that his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate is preventing him from seeing twins Cara and Maddy on their 9th birthday. According to the NY Daily News

Jon claims she wrote an email to [him] saying, “Due to recent events, it will be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here as planned. I would like to split the evening so they can see us both.”

“She’s trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn’t want to see me,” the dad claimed. “She can’t tell me what to do. I’m not going to allow it. I’m just going to stay. I own the house so I can do what I want.”

As for how he will behave once inside the family’s $1 million home, Jon said he will act like “my old self, as an avoider and passive.”

Did you get that? He’s an “avoider” and “passive.” Ah, the comfort of the psychobabble label! Is there any warmer a teat at which to suckle away any sense of personal responsibility for one’s actions? No, seriously. I’m really asking. God knows the tequila I’ve been nursing for the last six years sure isn’t doing me any favors.

Kate making fun of her controlling mommy image on Jay Leno last night:

Simon Cowell’s $2 million dollar, nine-hour long birthday party this weekend was a marvelous testament to narcissism and Caligulan excess. The Daily Mail says

A 60ft high image of Cowell was beamed across the frontage of the palladian mansion venue at Wrotham Park, Hertfordshire. The waiters [all] wore Simon Cowell masks.

Endless [$1000] magnums of Louis Roederer champagne were on offer. He even had baby sharks swimming in tanks in the lavatories.

The party’s entertainment included exotic topless dancers, naked women gyrating behind a big screen, and a guest enjoying a good whipping on stage from a dominatrix.

But the highlight of the show was the appearance on stage of a giant replica of female genitalia, joined by two giant sex toys.

And of the guests:

The model Jordan, mother of three, was so drunk she could hardly stand. Kate Moss anticipated being so out of it that she insisted no photographs be taken of her that night. Amanda Holden left with her knickers in full view of the cameras. One man departed in a limo completely naked [great shot of him here].

Well, once at my birthday party, I had a clown and a magician, and my dad came downstairs in the middle of it without any pants on, so I think I kind of understand what Simon’s birthday party was like. Only instead of a 60-foot high image of me and giant dancing genitalia, my Dad bumrushed the magician through a sliding glass door because he thought he was the step-aerobics instructor my mom had been sleeping with. I spent most of that party giving a statement to the arresting officer and picking glass out of my hair. Turning nine really sucks.

Surrounded by — what else? — women and mirrors:

PHOTO CREDIT: Bauer-Griffin Online, Pacific Coast News Online