Even though she had already had a birthday party the night before, Marc Anthony threw wife Jennifer Lopez another “surprise” 40th birthday party Saturday night in New York because she’s a spoiled little cunt and nobody likes her. The NY Daily News says

Although the actress’ pals showed up at the Edison Ballroom for “An Evening With Lola” (hubby Marc Anthony’s nickname for Lopez) in her honor, Lopez - who entered the shindig to Sarah Vaughan’s “Whatever Lola Wants” - stayed true to her diva status and “threw a fit” when some of her guests were late.

“There were a noticeable amount of empty seats when the dinner started. Jennifer was really irritated. She was fuming because people were late, and complained about it really loudly to Marc,” said one partygoer, who added, “Jennifer was visibly upset and embarrassed.

Well, as Marc Anthony clearly knows, nothing says “Happy Fortieth” like a good titty grab. Although I have to admit, HR seemed decidedly less receptive to it.

Feeling her up at her first party Friday night:

Jessica Simpson’s ill-advised “Barbie and Ken” themed birthday party never came to fruition this past weekend because boyfriend Tony Romo found texts on her phone from ex John Mayer. According to Radar Online

“[Tony and Jessica] were hanging out and he picked up her phone and she got defensive about it,” the source revealed. “Tony found messages from John and went ballistic.”

While the couple has had their fair share of rocky patches during their relationship, the idea of Simpson possibly cheating with Mayer was the straw that broke the camel’s back: “Tony dumped her right then. He walked out and that was it.”

Although she gets dumped more often than Jennifer Aniston, brave little Jess hasn’t given up on love just yet. She tweeted

“Barbie party didn’t happen, but I turned 29 and feel like I am on top of the world yelling, ‘I love getting older! Everyone needs to know that hope floats … grab the strings and pull it back to you.”

And if that doesn’t work, put it in a chokehold and smother it with Rocky Road ice cream. You can’t spell “desperate” without “ate,” you know!

Back when she was still hot:

Twilight is easily one of the DUMBEST series of books in the history of ever, and it resulted in one of the dumbest, most boring movies ever made, starring a pothead and an unkempt retard who share absolutely no chemistry and stand around mouthbreathing and glaring at each other for two hours.  Naturally, everyone involved became a huge celebrity and now we get to look at a hundred boring-ass pictures of them making jackassy faces on their birthdays.  How delightful.

Robert Pattinson leaving his 23rd birthday party:

Holy crap it is a slooow news day, so here are some pictures from last Sunday of that assclown Miley Cyrus at her Disneyland Sweet 16 birthday party, for which she charged a $250/person entrance fee (because she is a giver).  The header image has nothing to do with her stupid birthday party; I just liked the idiot look on her face and the fact that there’s a random picture of her cradle-robbing, underwear-modeling boyfriend attached to it for some unknown reason.

Madonna’s husband Guy Ritchie celebrated his 40th birthday in grand British style at the London pub he and Madge own last night. The Daily Mail says

[Guy] helped [Madonna] to a waiting car at 10pm before heading back inside the pub. The birthday boy didn’t follow her home until 4am. He enjoyed a few drinks and was seen at the window making strange faces in the early hours. The raucous party included an old-fashioned sing-song. Revelers belted out classics such as My Old Man’s a Dustman and It’s a Long Way to Tipperary.

And that’s exactly how I imagined British people party — like it’s eighteen ninety-nine. Arseholed off loads of warm beer and belting out early 20th century music hall marching songs. All that’s missing are the gas lamps and the horseless carriages and a spirited bout of The Minister’s Cat. Pip pip cheerio, mates!

More of Madonna from her Sticky ‘n Sweet tour: