The American Music Awards were last night, but I didn’t watch them because I would rather watch zombies nom on brains (Walking Dead, anyone?). Speaking of dead people, did you know that as a body decomposes, it fills with gas, often resulting in the body farting and burping? I make this point because if you stuck a kazoo up a corpse’s ass, it would probably manage to make better music than what was being celebrated last night. Case in point: Justin Bieber swept up awards last night. Says Time News Feed:

Starting with Bieber, he won entertainer of the year, breakthrough artist of the year, favorite pop/rock male and favorite pop/rock album for My World 2.0. “I come from the smallest town in the world, of like 30,000 people; I never thought this was possible,” he gushed, before paying tribute to the late King of Pop. “I want to thank Michael Jackson, because without Michael Jackson none of us would be here.”

Hee-hee-hee. No music would exist without MJ? It’s the new music Gospel they’re teaching kids these days. “In the beginning was Michael Jackson, and the music was with God, and the music was Michael Jackson. He was God in the beginning. Through him all music was made; without him no music was made that has been made.” MJ 1:1-3. I think I hear all the music greats prior to MJ collectively turning in their graves.

A zombie’s smörgåsbord:

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The Black-Eyed Peas are about to lose their only black-eyed pants pee-er, because Fergie is rumored to be leaving the band after clashing with Will.I.Am. According to Radar Online:

“Fergie is saying she wants out of the band,” the source said. “Things have gotten really bad with Will.i.Am. And it’s not just Fergie who is clashing with him. So is the rest of the band. His ego is out of control.”

Fergie has kept the news so secret that very few people know and she is not ready to make the announcement right now.

“I don’t know if she’ll admit or deny it when it leaks out, but I do know that it’s 100 percent true, she’s got everything planned out and she says she can’t be convinced to change her mind. And she really wants a baby with Josh,” the source said, referring to Fergie’s husband Josh Duhamel. “Between that and the bad blood with Will, it looks like the 2011 tour is in big trouble and she’s saying she’s going to split for good.”

I don’t think Fergie’s really thought this through. Misguided meth-faced singers with no discernible talent are a dime a dozen these days. Perhaps you’ve seen audition week on “American Idol.”

Hiking with husband Josh Duhamel:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

The Grammy nominations were announced last night, and among those listed were crap, crap and who fucking cares. I’m only even telling you this as an excuse to post pictures of Katy Perry’s boobs, because she was there at the announcement party in a ridiculously low-cut tight dress, but if you’re some kind of homo who wants actual details, feel free to keep reading:

Beyonce had the most Grammy nominations, including ones for album of the year for I Am Sasha Fierce, and song of the year for Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).

Taylor Swift, the year’s best-selling artist outside of the late Michael Jackson, was nominated for eight including album, song and record of the year.

And Lady Gaga had five nominations overall including best album for her debut CD, The Fame. The Black Eyed Peas were nominated for record of the year for their feel-good song, I Gotta Feeling, while the Kings of Leon were nominated for Use Somebody.

Blahbitty blahbitty boobs. Did you not see them up there? Perhaps if you took the sweaty man-cock out of your mouth and wiped the balls off your chin, you’d have a better view. Homo.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News

The Teen Choice Awards took place last night, but it’s not airing until tonight, which doesn’t make any sense to me. I suppose it’s a test of willpower for the tweens who watch this shite to not go online and you know, see who won ahead of time. Me, personally, I’m not the least bit interested in who won what when your nominees include Douche Pack members like Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and Zac Efron. I’d rather just look at pictures and make fun of everyone, wouldn’t you?

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Celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton alledgedly got his ass beat by Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.i.am (douche in the faggy sunglasses on the far right here) and his security guards last night at the Much Music Awards in Toronto. Around 3 a.m., Hilton tweeted

• PerezHilton: I’m in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.

• PerezHilton: I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.

• PerezHilton: Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel.

Will.I.am then created his own Twitter account in response to the accusations made by Hilton, writing

“i just made a twitter account because it isnt cool for someone to blame you and blast you with lies. I was the one that came to him with respect, and he was the one who called me a faggot outside the club.”

Of course Perez Hilton got assaulted last night. Just take a look at what he was wearing, for Chrissakes. It’s the magical outfit equivalent of a giant kick-me sign. I’m just surprised no one took him down sooner.

Watch Will. I. Am’s response video here.

UPDATE: Watch Perez’ hilarious sobbing video here.

Perez and the Black Eyed Peas on the red carpet, plus some of the Black Eyed Peas rehearsing before the show: