It’s been one week since their divorce was finalized, so of course Amy Winehouse and ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil are now secretly dating again. The two met up at a bar (surprise, surprise) on Friday before Blake burrowed his way through the back window of her home the next day. The News of the World says

The singer later decided to ask Blake back to her place - but had to sneak him past her security first.

“Amy has two full-time security men at her house,” said the friend. “They were under strict instruction not to let Blake in. But Amy wasn’t having any of it, so she got him in through a back window so they could have some private time together.

Blake spent part of the night in… Amy’s bedroom. She’s being very secretive about it but we know he was there.”

The pal added: “He wants to be with her, he’s in love with her, he’s convinced they’re still meant to be together. Despite everything she’s said about him over the last couple of weeks, deep down she feels the same way.”

Oh, it’s just like Romeo and Juliet, isn’t it? If “Romeo” meant “dog” and “Juliet” meant “to its own vomit.” Someone should really bust out the iambic pentameter and write a play about it.

Amy headed to — where else? — court last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Amy Winehouse’s estranged husband Blake Fielder Civil reportedly impregnated the stunning beauty seen above while the two were in rehab for heroin addiction. The Daily Mail says

Gillian Morris, 31, told the News of the World that Blake seduced her at the Phoenix Futures Rehab Centre in Sheffield and “we had a secret fling.”

The mother-of-two, who was undergoing treatment for heroin addiction, said he was shocked when he found out but he “has vowed to stand by me and raise the child” and she is now planning to keep the child, [adding] “I was surprised how supportive he was. I don’t think he’d say he’ll stand by me if he didn’t mean it.”

Oh, I’m sure he meant it. Really, if there’s one person in the world whose word you can definitely trust, it’s a married man with a crippling opiate addiction who’s sticking it to you in the janitor’s closet at the court-ordered rehab center you’re both attending. I’m pretty sure they even use Blake’s porkpie hat during swearing-in ceremonies when they’re running short on Bibles.

Amy terrorizing local kiddies in St. Lucia:

How do you prove to your estranged husband that your love for him is true? If you’re Amy Winehouse, that means going to the place you had your honeymoon and boning some other dude. Doesn’t make sense to me, put perhaps this is romance nouveau! Personally, I find that singing “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me” (a really stalker-ish type of song) by Diana Ross and voodoo dolls really does the trick. Digital Spy explains,

Amy Winehouse has said that she still loves her estranged husband Blake Fielder-Civil and that she will not let him divorce her.

The singer told Now that her alleged relationship with actor Josh Bowman in St. Lucia was a “holiday thing” and that she does not want anyone else in her life but her husband.

Winehouse said: “I still love Blake and I want him to move into my new house with me - that was my plan all along.

“I won’t let him divorce me. He’s the male version of me and we’re perfect for each other.

“I didn’t want to go back to Britain until he was out of jail. I’d like to take him back to St. Lucia with me because that’s where we spent our honeymoon and I know he loves it there. We’ll see.”

It all makes sense now. That tattoo on her chest with Blake on it is like a name tag for her alternate identity. And all that fighting and scratching Blake, well, if YOU believed that that ugly bastard was your male equivalent, you’d probably want to scratch the fug away too. Maybe she’s hoping to find a prize underneath the upper dermis, sort of like a lottery scratcher. Don’t judge!

Leaving the City of Westminster Magistrates’ Court in London, then shopping, then demonstrating the proper way to adjust your shoes while wearing a dress:

Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil — who was just released from prison last month, by the way — will be returning from whence he came after failing a probation-mandated drug test this week. The Daily Mail says

The 26-year-old could now be in jail until early 2010 after breaking the early release terms of his 27-month sentence. Fielder-Civil is understood to have failed the blood test while in rehab as part of his probationary requirement.

After realising he would be returning to prison Fielder-Civil is reported to have rushed to his wife’s hospital bedside to beg her to forgive him. After their evening together he handed himself into police.

“Beg her to forgive him” must be limey slang for “rifle through her wallet, swipe her prescription meds and then offer to fuck her if she can maybe help him out with a fix.” Those Brits and their colorful colloquialisms!

Amy Winehouse found herself back in the hospital after a screaming phone-fight with husband Blake Fielder-Civil spurred her to drink herself epileptic. According to The Sun

A source close to the troubled singer said: “[She and Blake] had a screaming row. She was beside herself after the call – and she just totally lost it. [The bender afterward] didn’t stop until she was [seizing] on the floor on Sunday.”

Amy’s spokesman confirmed she was taken to hospital on Sunday but claimed she had “a bad reaction to the combination of medication she has currently been prescribed.”

The last time I checked, antibiotics weren’t supposed to be washed down with whiskey and post-nasal coke drip. The only thing you should ever wash down with booze and stimulant-tinged mucous are anti-psychotics and muscle relaxers. And the demon seed of Davy Jones if you’ve been up all night blowing sailors, which goes without saying around these parts. Thank God Dr. Abby and Dr. Wild Irish Rose still make house calls!

I’ve seriously never heard of Sophie Schandorff, but apparently she’s some sort of German model.  She doesn’t seem that hot in the photos I’ve seen, but she appears to have all her teeth so I suppose I can see the appeal for Blake Fielder-Civil, who left Amy Winehouse for her.  Of course, Blake Fielder-Civil is a fug-ass retard so I’m not sure what Sophie’s getting out of this deal, but to each their own.  Says Amy of the split:

It’s over. There’s no way back for us now. It was never going to last. We were only together for sex. I fancied him like mad, like no one else I’ve ever known. But it’s not enough, is it?

I’m guessing no one was labouring under the delusion that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil had a fairy-tale marriage filled with love and candy hearts and flowers, but still, I hope you didn’t just eat lunch, ‘cuz… barf-o-rama.  It turns out they were into lesbian threesomes and had freaky kinky sex all the time.  According to a friend of Winehouse’s:

Mostly it was Blake suggesting new things but Amy doesn’t need encouragement. They were like animals, at it all the time.

Just like they were with drugs, they pushed themselves to the limit.

They were into threesomes. It was Blake’s idea but Amy said she’d been with women before so it wasn’t a problem. She said she’s had a string of female lovers.

Whenever Blake said he wanted three-in-a-bed Amy would fix it.

They didn’t care about sharing themselves with others because it turned them on. They thought they were on this sexual journey together.

And the pair of them were into some real kinky stuff, not just the usual bondage and sex games but really gross stuff you couldn’t mention in a newspaper.

Um.  Ew.  Ew ew ewww guh-ross.  I would seriously rather reenact the scene from Audition when Aoyama eats a bowl of Asami’s vomit than even think about Blake Fielder-Civil or Amy Winehouse in anything resembling a sexual context.  As a matter of fact, just from typing the word sex in a sentence with their names, I think I can feel my vagina shriveling up and dying.  I’m pretty sure I’m asexual now.

Although he was just sprung from the pokey yesterday, Amy Winehouse has yet to reconcile with husband Blake Fielder-Civil. On the plus side, all that not-reconciling left plenty of time for her to assault nearby photographers. The Daily Mail says

Winehouse looked far from jubilant [the day of Fielder-Civil's release] as she emerged with make-up smeared across her face. She appeared to be in an agitated state, lunging at a photographer [and] shouting: ‘Who’s first? Who wants some?’

Winehouse was [later] pictured clutching a prescription and falling into a cab, her face streaked with dirt and tears.

Just another victorious day for the Winehouse! See, the trick is to set the bar so low that everything short of accidental suicide can be tallied as a resounding success. Sure, I might feel shitty when I first wake up in that ditch covered in vomit, but then I’ll remember I’m not dead and instantly feel okay about myself again. Maybe even give myself a well-deserved pat on the back. Not too hard a pat, though, because chances are good that someone may have tried to surgically remove one of my kidneys again. Anyway, here’s to success, Amy! Mazel Tov!

The binding force behind Amy Winehouse’s and Blake Fielder-Civil’s impassioned relationship has finally been revealed, and it smells like ball sweat and dick cheese. The Sun says

The troubled singer posted the snap – in which Blake exposes his manhood by pulling down his boxers – on her Facebook profile.ANYONE wondering what AMY WINEHOUSE could possibly still see in convicted criminal and druggie hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL should take a look at the uncensored version of this picture.

Ah, it all makes sense now! Blake’s penis must be made entirely of bricked heroin. Gives a whole new meaning to the term “mount the horse,” doesn’t it? And they say romance is dead!

Amy Winehouse and husband Blake Fielder-Civil are finally going to be together again. Granted, he’ll still be in prison and she’ll be in rehab, but they’ll still be in the same town, so close enough. Reunited and it feels so good! The Sun says

The Back to Black singer has booked into a clinic in a country town only a short drive from the jail where Blake Fielder-Civil is being held.

Amy will have treatment at the “small and friendly” Focus 12 Clinic in Suffolk, where funnyman Russell Brand beat his own demons. The centre is just 15 miles from Highpoint Prison, near Newmarket, where junkie Blake was sent earlier this month.

The clinic plan follows Amy’s shambolic performances at the weekend’s V Festiva..

Years of marital counseling has taught me that nothing benefits a relationship like separate jail and rehab stints. Except maybe years of gradual arsenic poisoning, a flight of cement stairs and a $500,000 life insurance policy with an accidental death benefit rider. Call me, boys!

Said “shambolic performance”:

Amy Winehouse reportedly flashed her tits at husband Blake Fielder-Civil while visiting him in jail yesterday. According to Digital Spy

The singer pulled down her top and pushed her breasts up against the glass partition separating her from Fielder-Civil. A prison visitor said: “It was not a pleasant sight. Amy seemed completely out of it.”

I’d say “not a pleasant sight” is a bit of an understatement. It’d be looking at two scabby fried eggs you found on the ground and then squashed and slid around on a dirty window. And the scabby fried eggs are attached to the alien from Predator’s head and the alien is making the tongue-between-the-fingers sign for cunnilingus and snarling at you through the partition. I’ve had nightmares that weren’t that hideous. I’m pretty sure hara-kiri is the only respectable choice for your penis once you’ve seen something like that.