File this under Dear God No: it’s looking like “Home Alone” star Macaulay Culkin might be the mystery father of Michael Jackson’s son Blanket (real name Prince Michael II), thanks to the miracle of in vitro fertilization. Ew. London’s The Sun says

Culkin — [who is godfather to Jacko's other two children -- starred] alongside Jackson in the video for his hit song Black or White in 1991, regularly visited the singer’s Neverland ranch, and took the witness stand to defend him at his 2005 child molestation trial. Now sources close to Jackson say the Thriller star asked Culkin for the donation to help him complete his “perfect” family.

[They said], “This isn’t just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he’s Blanket’s father. Jackson and Culkin were best friends. He was one of the few people Jackson really trusted and Mack never let him down. Really, Jackson idolized him – that’s why he asked Mack to donate sperm.

Deep down, I think he always wished Mack was his son. Creating Blanket was the next best thing.”

God, what’s worse than imagining Kevin McCallister jerking off into in a sample cup while Michael Jackson hovers behind him in the background? No, seriously — I don’t know. So far all I’ve got is “unclogging John Goodman’s toilet after a week at Oktoberfest.” That’s why I’m asking you.

Disturbing pictures of the two of them together:

Pictures of Macaulay’s hot-ass girlfriend Mila Kunis in next month’s Details magazine:

Now that Michael Jackson is dead, ex-wife and surrogate mother Debbie Rowe is no longer bound to the confidentially agreement he paid her to sign. Her first order of business? Revealing that Michael was not the biological father of the children. She told News of the World

“I went to the… medical clinic [and] they impregnated me. It’s just like I impregnate my mares for breeding. Just like I stick the sperm up my horse, this is what they did to me. I was [Michael's] thoroughbred.

[But] it wasn’t Michael’s sperm.”

So how did their equine-metaphor-laden romance come to such an untimely end?

“We never had sex. He never wanted to live with me. That’s why he bought me a house. There was always ‘my house’ and ‘his house’, never ‘our house’.

The [second] delivery was so hard. My insides were all torn up and I was barren. When he knew I couldn’t have any more babies he didn’t want anything to do with me. He took the kids. The settlement was written up, and he just wanted me to be quiet.”

Which was probably a good thing, because she said of the children:

“I never felt any attachment to them. I got paid for it, and I’ve moved on. I was never cut out to be a mother. I don’t want these children in my life. My [horses] are my children.”

You know the kids are relieved to hear that. There’s a good chance if one of them had broken a leg that she would’ve taken them out back and shot them.

UPDATE: Us Weekly is now reporting that Michael’s mother Katherine Jackson has been granted temporary custody of the children.