Heidi Montag plays herself in a small cameo in Adam Sandler’s new movie “Just Go With It,” because really, who else is she gonna play, other than a retarded post-op transsexual with a heart of gold or a porn star with frontal lobe trauma from snuff that didn’t take. And then that got me to thinking — what are the long-term psychological ramifications of essentially becoming a caricature of yourself? What happens when you become completely ensconced inside the one-dimensional persona you’ve created? Do you lose all sense of self, or is the authentic self merely relegated to the depths of the subconscious? And then I thought “boobs,” and it suddenly all made sense. I think that’s what Oprah calls an “a-ha!” moment.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Image credit: Huffington Post

Heidi Montag had ten (10!!!) plastic surgery procedures done on November 20th.  We saw her creepy People magazine cover on Wednesday, but now the Huffington Post has a scan of her before & after shots from inside the magazine, and holy crap, it’s even worse than I thought.  Those boobs are RETARDED, and the side-by-side comparison shows just how unrecognisable she is now (which you’d think would be counterproductive for a famewhore like her, but whatever).

On why she’s going all Frankenstein, Heidi said:

I was made fun of when I was younger, and so I had insecurities, especially after I moved to L.A. People said I had a “Jay Leno chin”; they’d circle it on blogs and say nasty things. It bothered me. And when I watched myself on The Hills, my ears would be sticking out likle Dumbo! I just wanted to feel more confident and look in the mirror and be like, “Whoa! That’s me!” I was an ugly duckling before.

Oh Heidi, but you’re so much uglier now.  Your face is seriously freaking me out, because you look like a sexbot and it honestly wouldn’t surprise me to hear that your navel is actually a doorknob that opens your abdomen to reveal a stash of lube and dildos.  Anyway, here’s the full list of things Heidi had done to herself (and please keep in mind that she’s only 23 years old):

1. Newer, bigger boob job (she’s DDD now, the biggest the doctor would put in)
2. Butt implants
3. Liposuction on waist, hips, inner & outer thighs
4. Fat injections in cheeks and lips
5. Brow lift
6. Chin reduction
7. Another nose job
8. Ears pinned back
9. Neck liposuction
10. Botox (and remember, she’s only 23!)

Sweet Jesus, that’s nuts.  Number Five was more alive than this chick is now.  Just for shits and giggles, let’s take a gander at what Heidi looked like before all the plastic surgery, even before her first nose job and before her original set of breast implants:

On November 20th, Heidi Montag had 10 plastic surgery procedures done.  TEN (10!!!).  Holy shit y’all, TEN PLASTIC SURGERIES.  All in one day. And while she no longer looks at all like her fugly old self, now she just looks like a wax figure of Heidi Montag, as sculpted by a retarded blind person.  From People:

At just 23 years old, The Hills star Heidi Montag decided to go under the knife for a second time and have a staggering 10 plastic-surgery procedures in one day.

“For the past three years, I’ve thought about what to have done,” the reality star tells PEOPLE. “I’m beyond obsessed.”

Jesus Christ.  That’s some crazy Frankenstein nonsense, right there.  And just look at the heinously ugly results!  She looks at least a decade or two older and 400% faker than she did before.  I wonder how much all that shit cost, anyway?  Based on how it turned out, they could’ve been paying Heidi ten grand per procedure and I would still think she was overcharged.

Amy Winehouse had her new tits on full display as she left the Hawley Arms in Camden last night — but there’s gonna be more where that came from. The Daily Mail says

Amy Winehouse spent £35,000 on a breast enlargement [and] boosted her bust from a 32B to a 32D, but she’s is now said to be hooked on surgery and planning another breast enlargement and even bum implants.

‘Amy loves her boobs,’ a source [said]. ‘She thinks by having another operation and bum implants that she will achieve her dream pin-up look.’

You’ve heard that expression “useless as tits on a boar?” What about “polishing a turd” or “lipstick on a pig?” I’d say all three apply here. Double for that turd one.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Notice anything different about the Jennifer Aniston on the right (taken just last week)? How about that cup and a half extra titty spilling out of the top of her dress? That’s not a fancy push-up bra — that’s the miracle of science. The injectable kind, to be exact. The Daily Mail says

Jennifer Aniston is sporting a curvier figure thanks to the new lunchtime boob jab.

The actress is rumoured to have had Macrolane injections and boosted her bra measurements by a whole cup size.

The procedure involves filler being injected into each breast and takes just half an hour. It is aimed at women who are a B or C cup and want fuller breasts.

“Lunchtime boob jab?” Hell, I get those anytime my husband gets off work before noon. It’s usually followed by a “lunchtime penis poke” and a “lunchtime ass smack” Somehow my results aren’t nearly as impressive as Jennifer Aniston’s. Maybe we’re just doing it wrong.

Various pics of her from 1999-2004 with decidedly smaller tits (and lips):

You might have noticed that there was something different about Victoria Beckham lately if you actually gave a shit about Victoria Beckham. Fortunately, British tabloids are here to illuminate those of us who don’t care. The Sun says

Posh, 35, saw a Los Angeles surgeon for her third boob job last month and had a set of implants removed to make her a smaller 34B… because she was sick of her busty WAG look.

Ex-Spice Girl Victoria had her first boob job in 1999, when a London clinic increased her bust from its natural size of 34A to 34D. Further surgery two years later took her to a 34DD.

A, D, double D, B… crooked letter crooked letter I, humpback humpback I. Yep, I’m pretty sure you just spelled Mississippi.

You can click the header image to find out whose celebrity ass that is, but first let me warn you: not since that time I clicked on the link for “100% Original Mega Puss” have I been so sorely disappointed by the picture that comes up.

Told you:

PHOTO CREDIT: Mavrix Online

If you ever wondered what Gollum might look like as a post-op transsexual in a cheap wig, wonder no more. I bet Benjamin Button’s head looked just like Tori Spelling’s left tit when he first started to crown.

In Mordor Palm Springs with her kids and husband this weekend:

Where do bad folks go when they die? I don’t know. But wherever it is, it’s pretty obvious from these pictures that Pamela Anderson has frequent flier miles there.

If you had any doubts that Blake Lively got breast implants, you can put them to rest now. If her tits were any further apart they’d need separate zip codes.

CW11 Upfronts at Madison Square Garden:

A Texas homemaker named Sheyla Hershey underwent her ninth breast enlargement surgery last month in order to break the world record for biggest fake tits — a comically disgusting 38KKK. Her mom and dad must be so proud! According to The Sun

Medics warned 28-year-old her that her breasts are in danger of exploding but that did not stop Sheyla going under the knife. US doctors had refused to carry out any more ops on Sheyla when her breasts were already a staggering 34FFF… but Sheyla was determined to get in the record books and jetted off to Brazil where there are no limits on implant sizes.

Sheyla said: “To me, big is beautiful. I don’t think I have anything to worry about.”

You know, there are other, more refined ways to get men to notice you. Tattooing “I’m desperately insecure and willing to do anal” on your forehead or setting yourself on fire while juggling kittens, for example. I guess the fine art of subtlety is just lost on some people.

NSFW pictures of her topless after the jump:

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The only time I’ve ever seen something more googly than Tara Reid’s nipples in these pictures, they were perched on top of the head of a furry blue monster screaming “Me want cookies! Rmmm rmm rmm rmm!”

Presenting her “Mantra” clothing line in Athens November 11th: