Are you sitting down? Because you might want to be sitting down for this. It’s a real doozy. Ready? Okay, here goes: Christina Aguilera might have breast implants. Dun dun dun! Shocking, I know! Whoever would have guessed? The Daily Mail says:

As the star waved to fans at the Tokyo press conference for her new film Burlesque, an apparent scar under her arm may have given her secret away.

The small line could be the result of a transaxillary endoscopic breast augmentation — a breast enlargement technique where implants are placed through an armpit incision.

Experts say the popular method usually leaves an inch-long scar and is the preferred option for patients who want to avoids scars on the breast.

You might have figured out she got breast implants from the armpit scar if the capsular contracture-riddled bolt-on bags on her chest hadn’t already given it away years ago. Square isn’t a mammary shape you generally find in nature. It’s like her surgeon ran out of saline and just decided to stuff a humidor in there instead.

Promoting Burlesque in Hollywood:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Tara Reid celebrated her 45th 35th birthday at the VIP Room in St. Barths yesterday, and of course her botched tit fell out of her Forever 21 acetate-polyester blend dress while she was there. It was the only way I knew for sure it was Tara and not actually Gunnar Nelson in drag.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

So I guess since I don’t feel sorry for Jenny McCarthy because she’s a vapid bimbo, I’m supposed to feel sorry for her because she had a boob job without painkillers. I’m not even convinced that her brain is developed enough to process pain. Digital Spy says,

Jenny McCarthy has recalled waking up during her first breast augmentation after the surgeon did not administer anaesthetic.

According to WENN, the actress said that she went to a cut-price doctor for the procedure and subsequently had to have the work redone after the horror of waking up while being operated on.

McCarthy explained: “Me and my friends found a doctor in Arizona that cost about $1,500 (£943) to get our boobs done – because they didn’t use anaesthesia and I didn’t know it!

“I’m laying there during surgery and I’m going, ‘Wow, I’m having a remarkable dream about getting a boob job while I’m getting a boob job!’ And I’m thinking, ‘I can think of the names of the tools that they’re passing back and forth’, and, ‘Oh my God, this is a remarkable lucid dream!’

“And then I open my eyes and oh my God – this is real! I look down and there was one boob done.

“I said, ‘What is going on? Oh my God, I’m awake!’ And [the doctor] said, ‘I know, we only have one boob left, just hang in there’. I had to get them redone.”

Saving money by buying a jug of the store brand of milk=smart. Saving money by getting your jugs done by some med school dropout=not so smart. Just ask Tara Reid.

At a small book signing, because she doesn’t have enough fans for a large one:

Picture source: Fame Pictures

Lady Gaga is all ready to put the cherry on her plastic parfait. That sounds a whole lot more disgusting than it needed to. Nine MSN says:

The kooky popster reportedly got envious of a waitresses’ fake boobs and wanted to a buy a pair of her own.

“I love your boobs! Are they real?” Gaga asked the waitress. “I really want to get implants too, I love false boobs.”

Gaga was apparently out to lunch with her lover Luc Carl.

“I’m not sure how Luc would feel about me getting my boobs made bigger,” she reportedly told the waitress. “He’s into real boobs, so that’s why he adores me so much.”

Yes, if there’s one reason to love Lady Gaga, it’s those spectacular real boobs up there. It’s not everyday God sculpts a flat tire filled with pudding and tries to pass it off as a breast. Better luck next time, Jesus!

PHOTO CREDIT: Star Magazine

I know there’s been one question that’s been eating at you for weeks now — did Julia Roberts get breast implants? Let’s ask someone who’s never treated her for their expert medical opinion! Star Magazine says:

“It does look like she had a breast augmentation; they look significantly larger now,” observes Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr. Stuart A. Linder, who does not treat the actress.

“She was probably a 34A or small B, and now she looks more like a nice, full C cup,” Dr.Linder tells Star. “Her breasts have more projection, and she certainly fills in her bathing suit much, much better.”

Aw, he can’t tell shit from that picture. She might have just gained some weight is all. Her suit might be padded. She might have stayed underground for the last six months, hidden from the sun’s evil rays, and her skin is just reflecting more light back to your eye in some kind of ultra-pale person trompe l’oeil. We’ll have to ask her fellow mole-people next time one of them surfaces. Rumor has it they already made her their queen.

At the “Eat, Pray, Love” premiere:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

You were probably too busy looking at her cooter in her sex tape to notice, but Kendra Wilkinson didn’t just get a boob job before she joined the Girls Next Door — she also had her nose tweaked, too. Radar Online says:

[In these] first post-op photos of the reality star, [she's] showing off her brand new breasts to a willing photographer.

The photos also reveal Kendra with a nose that looks very different from the way it appears now.

She had these photos taken to document her [breasts'] transformation but didn’t realize that they would also serve as the “before” shots for her nose!

So what about her nose? There seems no doubt that she had something done to change its appearance.

“It’s pretty obvious,” said our source.

Boy, “natural beauty” Kendra ain’t. She’s a Starter jacket and a spiral perm away from being one of those chola-wigger hybrids from high school that would cut you for making eye contact for more than 3 consecutive seconds. I can practically smell the Issey Miyake and Dep hair gel from here.

NSFW:

This conglomeration of plastic is 30-year-old (I shit you not) Alicia Douvall, who I’ve sure as hell never heard of.  From a quick Google search it seems that she’s a glamor model/reality show contestant. All I know is, somewhere Barbie is missing her plastic ass.  I mean, WTF is that? Yeah, I know her boobs probably have their own gravitational pull, and her lips are threatening to float away, but good God. It looks like her thighs are trying to lay eggs. Bleh.

With her 14 year old daughter (who apparently asked for a boob job for her birthday two years ago:

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The internet’s all a-twitter with rumors that former Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin got a secret breast augmentation. The NY Daily News says:

Did Sarah Palin get breast implants?

Her appearance at last weekend’s Belmont Stakes sparked the debate, as photos seem to show Palin a tad inflated.

Or as Wonkette delicately put it: “Sarah Palin sure looks like she was trotting out some new work at the horse races.”

Finally, someone being brave enough to push a platform that unites both political parties across the board — boobs. If she can find a way to be carried in by bald eagles that gently place her on Lady Liberty’s crown, no one else would even bother running for President in 2012.

And now for someone who’s under 40 and doesn’t have breast implants, Miranda Kerr:

Jaime Pressly might not have a job anymore, but she does have a new pair of tits. Just as good in my book! Us Magazine says

Jaime Pressly got a boob job “a couple of weeks ago,” a source [revealed].

“They look amazing!” the insider says of the former My Name Is Earl star, 32, who was also rumored to have had a breast augmentation in 2004.

I guess the first boob job didn’t take. Well, sometimes you have to do things a second time to get them done right. Like kids, for example. The first one is just your practice one. Everybody knows that. Child Protective Services always tries to act like they’ve never heard the term “mulligan” before.

In a bikini last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

There’s been a lot of “has she?” or “hasn’t she?” talk about Kate Hudson’s supposed boob job, but these pictures of her at the Costume Institute Gala last night pretty much put those rumors to rest: she has. Breasts don’t magically grow two cup sizes overnight, you know. My mom said it sometimes takes years and that I’m just a late bloomer is all.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News

Kate Hudson officially debuted the brand-new girls at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival on Sunday (photo right). Just squint and tilt your monitor to the left a little and you’ll see them. Maybe. Us Magazine says

Kate Hudson made her first public appearance since an insider [revealed] that the actress, 31, underwent a small breast augmentation in late March.

Hudson must have appreciated the fact that her chest looked fuller at the outside music celebration.

A source recently [said]: “Kate makes jokes about her boobs, but her chest has always been one of her biggest insecurities.”

Hell, I didn’t know they made breast implants that small. I’ve had bruises with that were bigger than those tits. Talk about a completely useless endeavor! It’s like putting a spoiler on your ’87 Plymouth Sundance or teaching English to a Mexican. You don’t need to hablo ingles to edge the damn lawn, Raul!

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

This is what happens when you cross Shauna Sand, Tupperware®, and the collective IQ of a bowl of mice in a back-alley transmogrifying machine pilfered from the Soviets after the Cold War. I sure hope the liner of that bikini is made of Teflon, or it will wind up permanently welded to her body after she starts to melt in the sun. Ironically, it would be the only part of her body that would actually biodegrade in the next ten thousand years. The rest of her might as well be made of disposable diapers and old Solo cups.

Heidi Montag at the grand opening of the Liquid Pool Lounge in Vegas this weekend (10 more pics after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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