Dr. Robert Rey is just totally surprised to see the paps waiting outside BOA Steakhouse. He was so not expecting them, and he just happened to have a copy of his new book on him. Here, you want to see my new book? Please, allow me put it against the magnificent billboard of my freshly waxed chest. You see? Wouldn’t you love to have a Body by Rey? Please visit my website, www.bodybyrey.com to pre-order this amazing book.  I am just so tickled at this unexpected opportunity, that I will throw my hands up into the air and thank my surgically enhanced stars.

Seriously, this guy is about as subtle as Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Cheesing it up:

Ever the opportunist, Lindsay Lohan wants to transform her jail-time scribblings into cash. Says Celebrity Fix,

Lindsay Lohan reportedly whiled away the hours during her recent stint in jail writing a journal, which she now hopes to turn into a book.

The troubled actress filled several notebooks during her 13 days in jail at Lynwood Prison, California. And according to TMZ she wants to make a profit from her scribblings about her time in prison.

Sources told the website that Lindsay documented “every single thing about her life” in jail in the hope that she can eventually turn the diary into a book.

The 24-year-old, who served just 13 days of her 90-day sentence for violating the terms of her probation relating to two drink-driving offences, wrote about everything from family relationships to her dreams, according to TMZ.

You can either wait until she publishes her book, or you could always ask a chimpanzee to use its feces to write on some paper. At least the chimp’s work would have more flair and composition than Lindsay’s best effort.

One more shot of freckled glory from Maxim’s September issue:

Jennifer Love Hewitt wrote a self-help book about love, entitled, The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I’m a Love-aholic . Awwww.  Isn’t that cute? ‘Cuz her name has the word Love in it and so that means she must have, you know, written the book on love! Ha ha! The chapter titles are little gems like: “Balls, A Dress, or a Dress That Hides Our Balls”, “IM in, IM out. I’m Still on His IM”, “When Your Relationship Comes to a Skid…Mark”, and (I shit you not) ”You’re So Vain…You Probably Think This Varicose is About You”. Yeah, I’ll be buying this book right after I buy Lindsay Lohan’s Guide to Living Sober.

Signing her book Doing “sexy” poses:

Two more women have come forward claiming that “actor” Steven Seagal made unwanted sexual advances toward them while they were under his employment — and they’ve both provided the woman who is currently suing him with sworn declarations asserting as much. According to TMZ

In one woman’s declaration, Seagal is accused of luring her into his bedroom, putting his hands on the woman’s breasts and stating that he was “checking just as a doctor would for lumps.”

The declaration continues, “Seagal reached his hand down my pants. He said, ‘I just wanted to touch it for a second to see what it felt like.’”

The woman claims she screamed and cried until Seagal let her go.

Like Kayden Nguyen, both women claim they were hired by Seagal to serve as his assistant, but quit after Seagal made inappropriate sexual advances.

And now Steven Seagal’s ex-wife Kelly LeBrock intimates that she is ready to cash in on his recent scandal believes Kayden Nguyen’s accusations in her new tell-all book about their marriage. Fox News says

Kelly Lebrock said she was not surprised by claims the action star employed a female assistant as his “sex toy.” LeBrock, who divorced Seagal in 1996, promised to dish some explosive dirt on her former husband in an upcoming autobiography.

“I have many shocking things to say about Mr. Seagal, which will be known soon when my book comes out,” LeBrock [said]. “I will refrain from saying anything specific now because of our three children.”

What the hell difference does is make to her children whether she writes it down or says it? What, are her kids fucking illiterate? Is the fact that she’s bashing their father in a book rather than in a sit-down with Mary Hart supposed to somehow protect them? Sorry, sister, but it doesn’t work that way. For instance, the Secret Service will still forcibly restrain you and tase you till you shit your pants whether you threaten the president with a megaphone or in a cut-and-paste letter. I only wish someone had sat me down and told me this yesterday.

Kelly naked in “Weird Science” and “The Woman in Red”:

An unauthorized Oprah Winfrey biography coming to bookstores near you later this month claims not only did the talk show host completely fabricate her claims of childhood sexual abuse and poverty, but that she also paid off former lovers in an attempt to keep her sexual orientation under wraps. The Daily Mail says

Winfrey claimed she was so poor she never had any new clothes or toys and adopted two cockroaches as pets. But her family insisted Winfrey was ‘spoiled’ as a child.

‘Where Oprah got that nonsense about growing up in filth and roaches I have no idea,’ claimed her cousin. ‘I’ve confronted her and asked, “Why do you tell such lies?” Oprah told me, “That’s what people want to hear.”‘

She reportedly paid people off to prevent them speaking out about her alleged lesbian affairs and allegedly maintained a long-term relationship with [Stedman] Graham in order to appeal to her largely female audience — the pair do not even share a bedroom.

[Author Kitty] Kelley claims Winfrey paid one ex-boyfriend [$62,000] not to talk about her alleged lesbian affairs and the fact that her brother, who died of AIDS, was gay.

Interesting fact about the author: she has never been successfully sued for libel or forced to retract any of her written claims, so the chances of these allegations being true are pretty good. Not that it will sway Oprah’s target demographic either way. Middle-aged white women simply can’t be plied from the teat of the mighty O. She farts out exactly the kind of self-actualizing bullshit that overweight and unhappily married 40-something women want to hear. I guess that “embracing the authentic self” is a lesson better taught than applied when your authentic self turns out to be a big fat lesbian liar.

Ten years after his other famous-people-naked book “A Private View” was published, reknown photographer Sante D’Orazio has published a followup entitled “Barely Private,” which, as the title suggests, is mostly pictures of celebrities baring their privates. Like Eva Mendes here with her nipple hanging out (click header image for NSFW above) and showing off visible bush in a pair of see-through panties (click image for possibly NSFW below). Sold and sold! Amazon.com says

Sante D’Orazio returns with a second volume of photo-diary-scrapbook, covering 1997 to 2008. Uncensored and provocative, D’Orazio [photographed] celebrities, models, musicians, actors and artists in various states of undress.

Included are Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Diane Kruger, Tricia Helfer, Stephanie Seymour, Liz Hurley, Jay-Z, Mickey Rourke, Angelina Jolie, Christina Aguilera, Pam Anderson, Keith Richards, Axl Rose, Damien Hirst, Julian Schnabel and many more.

Finally, something appropriately named! So many books and movies nowadays have such misleading titles. Like an “An American Tail” and “Free Willy,” for starters. Don’t even bother trying to get your money back at Blockbusters, because all they’ll do is laugh and point at you.

Heidi Klum’s new coffee table book “Heidilicious” shows the supermodel in a variety of interesting poses, including several of her naked and covered in chocolate. A perfect gift for the diabetic in your life! Amazon.com says

Whether as a sultry sex kitten or sophisticated femme fatale, this tribute by one of Ms. Klum’s favorite photographers, Rankin, captures her many moods and personas. This photographic master has a unique insight to this unparalleled fashion icon, gaining a variety of fascinating answers to the question, “What is Heidi really like?”

I don’t know about you, but after looking at this, that 3 Musketeers bar in my purse just isn’t going to cut it. “Get carried away!” my ass.

One girl, no cup:

Former child star Mackenzie Phillips will be a guest on Oprah today to talk about her new autobiography “High On Arrival” — and specifically, about her incestuous relationship with her own father. Feel free to stop and shudder with revulsion right there. Star Magazine says

She writes that she was 19 when her dad John Phillips — from the ’60s band Mamas and the Papas — slept with her on the night before she was to marry Jeff Sessler.

“On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it,” writes Mackenzie, who was already a heavy drug user. “I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on his bed… I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father. Had this happened before? I don’t know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it.”

Their sexual relationship continued, she reveals in the book. She traveled with him and his new band, they did drugs together went to rehab together and — shockingly — even talked about running away together.

“One night Dad said, ‘We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us,” she writes. “There are countries were this is an accepted practice.”

Jesus, there’s no reason to leave the country just to have sex with your child. Just buy a double-wide and move to West Virginia. Done and done. You don’t even have to burn any air miles!

Dita von Teese promoting her new Wonderbra because it’s not incest:

^{PHOTO CREDIT: Nine MSN}

Lisa Rinna went on the Today Show yesterday to plug her new book “Rinnavation,” and naturally the talk turned to her comically oversized lips. She said:

“I went out and had silicone put in my top lip 23 years ago. Period, end of story. I had a small top lip, my girlfriend and I went and did it together [after seeing Barbara Hershey in "Beaches,"]… but what happens is, after years and years, you form some scar tissue.

But I like [them]! I’ve always been okay with [them]. I’ve always felt good about [them].”

She might have said she was going for the “Barbara Hershey” look, but it’s pretty obvious her doctor heard the (NSFW) “bulging hemorrhoid” look. It’s an easy mistake to make. That’s why you never want to talk to your plastic surgeon with a mouth full of saltwater taffy from a distance of 50 paces.

Mark Ebner’s new book “The Six Degrees of Paris Hilton” is really the story of one Darnell Riley, who you might better remember as “that dude who took ‘Girls Gone Wild’ asswipe Joe Francis hostage at gunpoint and made him stick dildos up his ass while he took pictures.” A true hero in every sense of the word. According to The Sun

Darnell claims he bought 14 hours of video of Hilton [in a state of arousal in a New York taxi] from two Russian kids who had stolen it when they broke into her home. As well as the racy footage, he says there are also excerpts from Paris’ grandmother’s funeral.

Darnell claims: “She is sitting in the church shooting video of herself. She is paying no attention to the eulogy.”

Well, if that doesn’t sound like Paris fucking Hilton, I don’t know what does. Maybe that queef noise you get when you blow up and burst open a old dry cleaning bag.

At Sundance:

Tom Cruise is denying claims that he strong-armed Amazon into pulling an anti-Scientology book from its virtual store shelves last month. The book in question is John Duignan’s “The Complex,” in which the former high-ranking member details his escape from Scientology’s elite “Sea Organization” (sounds gay). According to the NY Daily News

On Oct. 31, Irish publisher Merlin released “The Complex.” Five days later, Cruise dropped by Amazon’s headquarters to glad-hand staffers and host a sneak peek at his new movie, “Valkyrie.”

A few days later, Amazon’s British Web site stopped selling “The Complex.”

“I believe Tom Cruise influenced them,” Duignan [says]. Cruise’s rep denies that charge.

Awfully big coincidence, don’t you think? He just “shows up” at headquarters and the book mysteriously disappears from inventory? It’s a lot like that whole sex scene gone missing from Katie Holmes’ “Thank You for Smoking.” You can’t just go throwing your Hollywood weight around every time a person threatens to expose you as a lunatic fraud or your spouse as a cock-hungry tit-flasher. If you really want your “problem” to go away, you bury it in lime and break out all the teeth so the cops can’t use dental records to ID it. Duh!

Celebrating Thanksgiving in central park with the Beckhams:

Britney Spears’ mother’s new book is about to hit the shelves, so all you considering children ought to head down to the Barnes and Noble and stock up while you still can. Advice this good isn’t going to be around for long. You can’t afford to miss some of the more important topics broached in Lynne’s biography — things like when and how to introduce sex and drugs into your child’s daily routine. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” never even touches on that stuff! According to Female First

Lynne Spears’ shocking revelations claim Britney began drinking at 13 and was allegedly caught with cocaine and cannabis on a private jet when she was just 16.

Dispelling claims Britney lost her virginity to her former boyfriend Justin Timberlake, Lynne says her daughter first had sex with an 18-year-old football player while she attended her local high school in Kentwood.

Lynne admits she allowed [16-year old] Britney to sleep with Justin [and says she] regrets handing control of Britney’s career over to her managers and allowing her to be promoted as a sex object.

I guess once you find out that there’s an age minimum on internet porn and child labor is frowned upon in the States, the only logical thing to do is feed your child to the Hollywood Industry Machine for a quick buck and hope she doesn’t kill herself in the end. Provided there wasn’t a Sarlaac wielding a paycheck or a virgin-hungry volcano spraying stock options anywhere around, of course. A mom can dream, can’t she?

Britney poolside in Vegas: