Let’s be honest — there’s really no point in me even typing words here. It’s not like you’re gonna be looking at anything other than Kelly Brook’s rack for the next fifteen minutes.

How come in Hollywood, lesbians look like Amber Heard, but every dyke I know look like this?

I’d like to give Rihanna’s latest Armani ads a big thumbs up, but I can’t, on account of the cuffs and everything. I sure hope somebody’s writing an outraged letter to a Congressman or staging a protest on my behalf, because I wasn’t “charging toward Rihanna wielding a knife” — it was the Dagger of Heccabees forged by a coven of dwarf-witches long extinct — and I wasn’t trying to “stab” anybody, I was trying to harvest a lock of her hair with the Blade of the Dwarf-Witch Queen so I could properly cast a protective spell around her. Honestly, I don’t see what’s so hard about this.

All I know is I passed out in 2011, and when I woke up this morning, it was already three days into 2012. So Happy New Year, boys and girls! A fortune cookie I found under the seat of my aunt’s Chrysler LeBaron told me 2012 is supposedly the Year of the Dragon, which I know is just a secret code meaning “The Year the Chinese Finally Take Over the World.” Don’t worry, I’ve already started stock-piling weapons and I dug out a bomb shelter under the foundation of my aunt’s house, so when the Asian apocalypse is nigh, you can bet I’m gonna be the last white girl standing. That goes double for zombie attacks and alien invasions. Believe me, I’ve covered all my bases.

And when I get a chance to wallpaper inside my bunker, I’m gonna do it with these pics of Victoria’s Secret model Lily Aldridge:

I’ve always found Carey Mulligan very refined and lady-like and intelligent, by which I of course mean “inescapably boring.” However, that was before I saw this W Magazine cover with her in her bra. Now I might have to re-think everything. I’m like the Aristotle of boobs.

The tags on these photos of Candice Swanepoel said they were new, but I could neither confirm nor deny this, mostly because finding out would have involved me not looking at the pictures. I just figured I couldn’t run the risk of them not being new, because it wouldn’t be fair to you if they were. That’s just how much I care. Better to err on the side of of caution, I always say.

It’s exactly thirty-seven days, eleven hours and forty-three minutes until Christmas, so I thought that pics of Adriana Lima in Victoria’s Secret’s Christmas catalog would help get us in the holiday spirit. And for the record, I was almost ten before I learned that “getting in the holiday spirit” didn’t mean “stumbling around drunk in a red velvet suit with a visible erection and vomit in your beard.” Yeah, my dad made a pretty shitty Santa. You don’t even wanna know what I though “decking the halls” was.

When my kid starts bitching about taking tennis lessons this summer, I’m gonna march him right over to the computer and pull up these pics of Sports Illustrated model Brooklyn Decker and then smack him upside the head with his own racquet. Don’t ever question your mother, dumbass.

Tennis star Andy Roddick’s wife for La Senza lingerie:

I don’t know what it is, but Kate Winslet has been looking seriously hot here lately. She actually gets better looking with age. Just like Lindsay Lohan. Except, you know, in reverse.

The thing that sucks about winter is you get way less hot bikini action than you do in the summer. Fortunately, Victoria’s Secret has taken it upon themselves to rectify that injustice by putting pics of Candice Swanepoel in a bikini in their holiday catalog. Which ultimately begs the question, is that a yule log in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? Beats the hell outta ten lords a-leaping, I can tell you that.

Victoria’s Secret supermodels Candice Swanepoel and Erin Heatherton were aptly dressed for the launch of their latest Angel fragrance and the Dream Angels bra at the Victoria’s Secret in SoHo yesterday. All I know is if I’m ever on the operating table and I code, this better damn well be what I see when I go into the light. Anything else will make heaven a giant disappointment.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Cintia Dicker is 25, but she looks about fourteen in these pics, which is why I find looking at her in her underpants uncomfortable. And that’s exactly what I told the cops when they seized my hard drive in the raid.