Despite reports suggesting otherwise, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt say that their newborn twins were not the product of in vitro fertilization. In Touch Weekly says

Angelina denies Us Weekly’s recent report that she underwent fertility treatments. “If they had been conceived though IVF, we would have been happy to discuss it,” she tells People magazine. “But we have been fortunate never to have had fertility problems.”

Brad reportedly said, “Are you fucking kidding me? I drilled that ass like it was an Alaskan coastline during the Bush administration,” but ultimately People found his comment too politically charged for printing.

Update: Sorry, we had to remove the pictures due to copyright infringement.

People magazine’s $14 million, 19-page spread of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s little messiahs finally hits newsstands today, and as expected with a bargain price like $14 million, there were several stipulations set forth by the Brangelina clan. Namely, no more “Brangelina.” MSNBC says

Reportedly, one condition of the photo deal was that the victorious magazine would have to agree to no longer refer to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as “Brangelina.”

And Brad had a few terms of his own. Like working the following prepared statement into the article: “Brad Pitt is also important, and oh, by the way, he has always loved doing charity work in dangerous third world nations no matter what Jennifer Aniston says because she’s a liar, they just didn’t take pictures of it before, and he is totally independent and not pussy-whipped at all and Angelina does not keep his balls in her purse for munching on when she’s angry. Repeat, Brad still has his balls. And they’re huge. We’re talking grapefruits, people. This is all 100% true. Especially the part about the balls. The End.”

The first pictures Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline will go down as the most expensive celebrity baby photos in tabloid history — the pics of Brad and Angie’s newborn twins went for a record-setting $15 million dollars. The Daily Mail reports

After a fierce contest between the celebrity magazines, Hello! outbid its rival OK! magazine for the rights to the pictures, and even brought its publication date forward to August 4 to capitalize on the coup. The American rights to the pictures will go to People magazine, which also published the first images of their daughter Shiloh in 2006.

Although the first pictures of the twins are no longer up for grabs, I’d bet that the rights to the twins’ first solid stool is still available. Time pull out the bid paddles, tabloids! You can almost smell the ad revenues from here!

Skeletal Angie in stills from Wanted:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt conceived twins Knox and Vivienne through the magic of reproductive science. According to Us Weekly

The actress chose [in vitro fertilization] (which can cost around $12,000 a pop) so ’she wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant. She could just knock it out.’

“If we’re going to have 10 kids, we’d like to raise them while we’re young,” Angelina told Elle U.K. last year.

It’s easy to get impatient when you’re itching to start your family. Like Phiengchai Sisouvanh Synhavong of Washington state, for example. She bypassed fertility drugs altogether by stabbing a pregnant woman to death and cutting the unborn baby out her womb. Apparently homicide and kidnapping don’t cost near as much as in vitro fertilization. The down side is that they’re both class one felonies in all fifty states punishable by lifetime in prison and an eternity in hell. Sometimes the bargain isn’t always the best bet!

Angelina Jolie gave birth to the twins via c-section Saturday night in France — a boy, Knox Leon, weighing 5.03 lbs, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline, weighing 5 lbs. And on hand to welcome the chosen ones into the word? Daddy Brad Pitt, naturally, and the mayor of the French city in which they were born. According to People magazine

On Sunday, Mayor Christian Estrosi of Nice presented one of the birth certificates of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s twins on the steps of Nice’s Fondation Lenval hospital.

The mayor [said], “It’s a pride to Nice and all its citizens. On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple of the world who have chosen our city for this happy event. I also congratulate the four brothers and sister of the newborns who are [history won't forget it] real ‘Niçois’.”

Earlier in the afternoon, a large bouquet of white roses and lilies for Jolie were delivered.

Oh, that’s nice, isn’t it? Loads of flowers and a public mayoral ceremony to welcome their new life into the world. Kinda like when I was born, and my Dad stepped out for a smoke and then never came back. Only with less pomp and circumstance, of course.

Billy Bob Thornton is speaking out on ex-wife Angelina Jolie’s relationship with Brad Pitt, and as you’d expect, it’s all very deep and insightful. Female First quotes him as saying

“She is just going through a high school phase. You know, dating the quarterback of the football team with Brad Pitt over there. She’ll be waking up from that dream in no time. Who knows if I’ll be there when she’s ready to come to her senses though.”

Well, when I woke up from that dream, it was right in the middle of the part where Brad was stroking my hair and running his mouth over my heaving bosom. Right before the part where he morphed into a snake with four heads and eagle claws and two little girls on tricycles started circling around me chanting in Latin. See, this is exactly why you never take a bunch of valium to come down off an acid trip. Better to do it the old-fashioned way and drink whiskey until you pass out. The more you know!

Vintage Jolie goodness:

Above is a a photo of the $300,000 marble table Brad Pitt purchased at the Design Miami Basel fair in Switzerland yesterday. But don’t think the bargain-hunting stopped there — oh, no. Brad dropped nearly half a million dollars furniture-shopping at the prestigious art and design exhibition. According to NY Post says

[Brad] bought a hollow white marble rococo-style table by Dutch designer Jeroen Verhoeven for $293,000; two Ron Arad chairs [rumored to retail for $25,000 a piece]; and ordered “Silver Sky,” a rug made of aluminum thread [that] sells for $175 a square foot. Pitt also showed interest in a [$300,000] gold lacquer-coated fiberglass sofa by Zaha Hadid.

Perhaps I was mistaken, but I was under the impression that four children under the age of seven also live with Brad. And there’s two more on the way. Given that marble has a porosity ratio of almost 2% — making it one of the most absorbent of all metamorphic stones used in furtniture-making — and that Kool-Aid is second only to the blood the Devil uses for signing contracts in the indelibility department, this makes as much sense as buying a birth control for a Spears or a book for a Hilton.

The $50,000 chairs and lamp after the jump

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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are apparently at odds over names for their unborn twins. Female First says

Gemini Angelina reportedly wants to name the babies Castor and Pollox after the twins of her birth sign, but Brad has dismissed the suggestion as he doesn’t want a daughter with a name “like a British cuss word”.

I have to admit I think naming them Castor and Pollux would be kinda cool. I’m a huge mythology dork, and anyone who knows the story of the two brothers knows it’s a testament to an intense fraternal love immortalized by Zeus in the constellation that just happens to be Angelina’s zodiac sign. So apropos on so many levels, really. But if Brad wants to be such a Philistine, here are a couple more famous twin names I’d also tolerate:

10. Tiki and Ronde. Catchy! Get it?

9. Romulus and Remus. Only one day one of them might be Uncle Remus, which could present problems for Disney.

8. Ben and Jerry. Are they twins? Nobody knows. But they are responsible for Chunky Monkey, which, coincidentally, also makes a good twin name.

7. Patty and Cathy. Cousins who are twins!

6. Ann and Abigail.

5. Jacob and Esau. Tough call deciding which one is relegated to a lifetime of hirsute doltishness.

4. Zan and Jayna. Wonder twin powers activate! Form of: fetus!

3. Bee and Gee. That one really depends on how deep your love is.

2. Flossie and Freddie. And the mystery of the four-leaf clover!

and the number one name I’d tolerate for the Brangelina twins:

1. Luke and Leia. No… there is another!

On a dinner date at Tetou with Clint Eastood:

Brad Pitt joined Angelina Jolie on the red carpet in Cannes for the premiere of Angie’s latest movie “Kung Fu Panda” yesterday. Brad couldn’t even muster a smile the entire time he was there, presumably suffering from Oh-My-God-What-The-Fuck-Have-I-Done syndrome associated with fathering six children. You remember the OMGWTFHID face. It’s the one your dad made when he found out you dropped out of law school to enroll in the interpretive dance academy and got knocked up by that “Nouveau Communist” cashier at the organic grocery store. It’s the same face you make when you catch an episode of “The Hills” or the person before you forgets to flush.

Here’s a cheesy cover of the Crowded House classic ‘Don’t Dream It’s Over’ starring a 16-year-old Angelina Jolie. It’s pretty awesome for 1991, but you have to ask yourself — is it as awesome as that home video of me lipsynching Foreigner’s “Waiting For a Girl Like You” into the handle of a Get In Shape Girl jump rope? No. No, it isn’t.

The Brangelina clan arriving in Monaco May 3rd:

Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society have discovered a familial link between Hollywood and Washington — Brad Pitt is related to presidential hopeful Barack Obama, while Angelina Jolie shares a lineage with former First Lady Hillary Clinton. Well, this news ought to sway a couple of votes! Us Weekly says

Pitt and Obama are ninth cousins, linked by Edwin Hickman, who died in Virginia in 1769. Clinton and Jolie, meanwhile, are ninth cousins, twice removed because they are both related to Jean Cusson who died in St. Sulpice, Quebec, in 1718.

Interestingly, the only presidential hopeful without famous celebrity cousins was Mike Huckabee, namely because all the backwoods inbreeding really thinned out his gene pool.

Federal tax filings for the Jolie Pitt Foundation were made public last week, and as expected, Brad and Angelina are definitely way better than you. This is in addition to being way better-looking than you, too. Just consider their return a big punch in your big fat metaphorical American gut, because I know that’s how they meant it. People magazine says

All told, they gave more than $8 million in donations in 2006, with Pitt putting in $4,402,317, and Jolie donating $4,123,613. These latest figures don’t include Brad’s Make It Right Foundation, [which] handed out [over $2 million], including:

$1 million to Doctors Without Borders

$1 million to the Global AIDS Alliance

$137,935 to the Namibia Red Cross Action Program

$100,000 to the Daniel Pearl Foundation

$100,000 to the Epidermolysis Bulloma Medical Research Foundation

$20,000 to an art park in Los Angeles

$5,000 to two orphanages that Jolie visited

In comparison, the only charitable donations I made in 2007 were to the Anheuser-Busch Corporation, and as I have since learned, those contributions are not technically tax deductible. Same goes for contributions to “All Naked All The Time dot Com” and “Mexico.” The IRS is not as philanthropic an institution as you might think.

Angelina with the kiddies last week: