48-year-old Brad Pitt is the new face of Chanel No 5, which is evidently a big deal because he has a penis, and until now, only female celebrities have hawked the iconic perfume. Most likely because it’s a women’s perfume. All I could think when I read this was that “Merman, Dad. Mer-MAN!” scene in Zoolander. And thinking about that made me think about Ben Stiller, which made me think about that ridiculous mustache he had in “Dodgeball,” which got me to thinking about how weird mustaches are, and then I thought about how weird all facial hair is, really, which made me think how damn near everybody had a mustache or a beard in Civil War times, which led me to conclude that if I ever found a way to travel through time via a rift in the space-time continuum, I would definitely NOT pick the 1800′s as my target destination. This is probably why I should wait to do bong hits till after I’ve posted.

Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty:

This is the first really clear shot of the engagement ring Brad Pitt spent a year designing with jeweler Robert Procop for his new bride-to-be, Angelina Jolie. The Daily Mail says:

Procop said: ‘Brad had a specific vision for this ring. He wanted every aspect of it to be perfect. Brad was always heavily involved [in] overseeing every aspect of the design evolution, [insisting on a] diamond of the finest quality cut to an exact custom size and shape to suite Angelina’s hand.”

Experts estimate the ring cost around $250,000.

Wait, did you catch that? Angie’s ring only cost a quarter of a million dollars, but you’ll remember he spent HALF a million on the ring he designed for ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. Oh, you didn’t remember that? Yeah, me neither. Good thing Jen called up Us Magazine to remind them, then! Yahoo News says:

It looks like Pitt, 48, has gotten a bit more conservative when it comes down to the price tag. Back in 1999, Aniston’s ring, which she debuted during a Sting concert in NYC, was estimated to be worth around $500,000; jewelry expert Michael O’Connor quoted Jolie’s ring to be somewhere around $250,000.

This is probably the best day that Jennifer Aniston’s had since the first reviews of “The Tourist” came in. It’s the little victories in life that keep us from killing ourselves.

Kelly Brook in some new bikini pics because close-ups of engagement rings don’t make your pants feel funny:

Star Magazine has been cranking out this story every couple of months for the last four years, but this time it’s for real — Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are really, truly, actually engaged. People magazine says:

“Yes, it’s confirmed,” Pitt’s manager [said]. “It is a promise for the future and their kids are very happy. There’s no date set at this time.”

Wow, such a romantic statement on their impending nuptials. So dry and devoid of joy. I guess “We placated the kids with a stupid fucking ring so they would shut the hell up about a wedding already” just wouldn’t look as nice cross-stitched on a sampler.

At the 3rd Annual Women In The World Summit in NY last month:

Last night was the Oscars, and I continued my long tradition of not watching them, so you can rest assured that I well prepared to comment on everyone’s frocks. And by “well-prepared”, I mean downloading a bunch of pictures and posting them here. What can I say, I chose to spend my evening playing Star Wars: The Old Republic over watching a parade of actresses sashay across the screen in gowns that cost more than I’ll make in 10 years. Hey, my jedi guardian isn’t going to level up by herself, you know. Anyway, here’s a short list of the winners:

Best Picture: The Artist

Best Actor: Jean Durjardin

Best Actress: Meryl Streep

Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer

Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer

For the full list, click here.

Angelina Jolie struck a pose in a black Versace dress split thigh-high:

Penelope Cruz glowed in her periwinkle Armani Prive:

(more…)

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie always said that they would get married when gay marriage became legal in all fifty states, but later hinted that wedding might be coming before any federal law was overturned, and now Brad has all but confirmed there IS a Brangelina wedding in the works, gay people be damned. The Daily Mail says:

In an interview with the Hollywood Reporter, Brad Pitt made a stunning admission when asked whether he would marry Angelina: ‘We made this declaration some time ago that we weren’t going to do it till everyone can. But I don’t think we’ll be able to hold out.’

He said their six children were one of the significant factors behind his change of heart.

Brad said: ‘We’d actually like to, and it seems to mean more and more to our kids… they ask a lot. And it means something to me, too, to make that kind of commitment.’

But he didn’t go as far as saying he had asked Angelina to marry him, adding: ‘I’m not going to go any further.’

Bottom line, they’ll get married when Angelina tells him it’s time to get married. Pretending he has any say in it whatsoever is downright hilarious.

At the Golden Globes:

Fame/Flynet Pictures

I mentioned the stupid “fashion cane” Brad Pitt was working at the New York Film Critics Awards in the Quickies yesterday, but I feel like I may have unintentionally suggested that he was using the cane simply as a fashion accessory by neglecting to mention that he actually does have some sort of foot injury at the moment. Now, I don’t take issue with canes in general. I’ve got nothing against them. What I take issue with is Brad Pitt’s choice of a cane. Hand-carved Gaboon ebony? Was it whittled by a tribe of African pygmies and polished with the tears of twenty virgins, too? Jackass.

Arriving to the NY Film Critics Awards with Angelina Jolie yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Forget about taking the ice cube trays, Jennifer Aniston was advised to ask for Brad Pitt’s sperm as part of her divorce settlement. Well, if she took the ice cube trays and the sperm, she could bypass the sperm donor bank altogether. It’s brilliant! New York Post says,

Top Hollywood agent Sue Mengers gave Jennifer Aniston some plum advice when she split with husband Brad Pitt — ask Pitt for a sperm donation.

Bizarrely, Maureen Dowd delivers this shocking showbiz tidbit in an ode to Mengers, who died this year, in The New York Times Magazine. Dowd recalls, “She was a yenta who loved fixing people up, in work and in love. If a match struck, she would urge the woman, ‘We have to close the deal.’ After Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, Mengers told me that she advised her beloved Jen to ask Brad for some of his sperm.”
Comments like this, as stinging as it may have been to the heartbroken Aniston at the time, were apparently part of Mengers’ nature. The agent — who threw parties attended by Jack Nicholson, Jon Hamm, Tina Fey, Aaron Sorkin, and many others — was known for her brash ideas. She was a close to many stars, including Aniston.

“The first woman to become the Man among Hollywood superagents was full of exhilarating vulgarity,” writes Dowd. “Mengers presided with a devilish wit and an angelic smile, a dirty, flirty girl with devastating timing.”

Presumably, Aniston did not take Mengers’ advice. Instead, she appears to have a more laidback approach to motherhood.

“There’s no desperation,” Aniston told Elle in October. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I’m at peace with whatever the plan is.”

Yeah, yeah, if someone feels they have to tell you they’re not desperate…they’re desperate. Jennifer will be basting a bird this Christmas, but it won’t be a turkey.

Kate Beckinsale in NY Times Magazine is stunningly beautiful:

In a new interview with Australia’s 60 Minutes, 47-year-old Brad Pitt revealed that he will be retiring from acting at the ripe old age of 50. Us Magazine says:

“[I'm going to retire in] three years,” he says, explaining, “I am really enjoying the producing side and development of stories and putting those pieces together… getting stories to the plate that might have had a tougher times otherwise.”

The star is less definitive about expanding his brood of six kids with love Angelina Jolie. “You know, I don’t know that we’re finished,” he tells 60 Minutes of conceiving (or adopting) more kids to join Maddox, 10, Pax, 7, Zahara, 6, Shiloh, 5, and Vivienne and Knox, 3.

The star also had an unusual answer when asked if he’s happy these days. “I think happiness is overrated, truthfully. I do,” he says. “I think sometimes you’re happy, sometimes you’re not. There’s too much pressure to be happy. I don’t know. I don’t really give a [shit]. I know I will be at times and I know I won’t be at times. Satisfied, at peace, those would be more goals for myself.”

Hey, you know who isn’t retiring? Alessandra Ambrosio. And wouldn’t you know, I just happen to have these pictures of her in her bra and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last week. What a relevant and fortuitous turn of events!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In a recent interview with Parade magazine, Brad Pitt made the mistake of admitting that he “wasn’t living an interesting life” while married to Jennifer Aniston and that he spent most of their marriage “trying to pretend it was something that it wasn’t.” Now Jennifer is of course demanding a public apology from him, because it’s not like she talked about their marriage and Brad Pitt in every other interview she’s ever fucking done. Oh, wait. Us Magazine says:

42-year-old ex-wife [Jennifer Aniston] got wind of the catty comment [and] “was annoyed,” a pal close to the actress says. “She thought it was rude and inappropriate.”

Team Aniston — her agent and publicists — “went ballistic,” a Pitt insider reveals, and angrily reached out to Pitt’s camp.

“They got his team involved and Brad was read the riot act,” the source says. “We think he’s jealous she’s in love.”

Within 24 hours, Pitt had surprisingly released a statement lamenting that his words were misinterpreted, and that his former love “is an incredibly giving, loving and hilarious woman.”

Sure, her new boyfriend’s hogging the umbrella, and yes, his jeans are tighter than hers, and maybe he’s wearing more jewelery than she is, but Justin Theroux is still a man. He may not be attractive, talented or interesting, and he may give off a creepy Adam Lambert vibe, but he clearly loves Jennifer Aniston‘s credit cards. Eat your heart out, Brad Pitt.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Brad Pitt opens up in Parade about his life during his marriage to Jennifer Aniston (it sucked) and how it compares to his life now with partner Angelina Jolie (it’s uh-MAzing). There’s no mention, however, of how he feels since Angie made his balls a rear-view mirror decoration for her car. Says Parade,

“I put much more emphasis on being a satisfied man. I’m satisfied with making true choices and finding the woman I love, Angie, and building a family that I love so much.

“I spent the ‘90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony. I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage [to actress Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

“One of the greatest, smartest things I ever did was give my kids Angie as their mom. She is such a great mom. Oh man, I’m so happy to have her.”

After that, Brad turned around to Angie, and said, “Did I do good, Angie, did I do good? Huh? Can I have a treat now? Can I? Can I?” At which point, Angie leaned over, patted him on the head, and tossed him a fish.

The Golden Couple at the Toronto premiere of Moneyball: 

The director of Brad Pitt’s new movie The Tree of Life didn’t even show to the film’s premiere in Cannes today, so it’s no surprise to hear that it was booed like The Situation at a Donald Trump roast. The Daily Mail says:

Brad Pitt’s art house movie The Tree of Life was greeted to a harsh chorus of boos, hisses and reluctant applause when it was unveiled at the Cannes Film Festival.

The picture’s director Terrence Malick didn’t even bother to turn up at the press conference following a screening that started at 8:30 a.m.

I’d wager that Malick’s not showing had less to do with the quality of the film and more to do with the fact that Brad Pitt was dressed like the Good Humor Man’s retarded pimp cousin. Sex industry ice cream men are naturally repellant to the art-house industry. Everybody knows that.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Angelina Jolie was photographed on a humanitarian mission at the Tunisian-Libyan border with a new coordinate tattooed on her left arm beneath the coordinates of her kids’ birthplaces, leading to speculation that she was about to add another urchin to her Benetton brood. The Daily Mail says:

The 35-year-old now has a seventh line of co-ordinates signifying the birthplaces of her six children.

While the full co-ordinates cannot be made out in the photo, the new inking has led to all manner of speculation – raising the question whether The Tourist star has another adoption in the process.

However, other reports suggest the numerics refer to the latitude and longitude of her partner Brad Pitt’s birth place, Oklahoma.

It’s probably just the coordinates of the exact location where she hacked off Brad Pitt’s balls and beat him within an inch of his life with his own spine. A tattoo is a lot more tasteful than turning his testicles and backbone into a necklace.