Brad Pitt reportedly arranged a clandestine meeting with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston during his trip to New York late last month. I smell a pity-fuck! The Daily Mail says

The pair, who ended their five-year marriage in 2005, met up at a hotel in the city for an hour where Brad told Aniston about his relationship problems with Angelina Jolie.

It comes amid reports that Brad and Jennifer are in regular phone contact and - if true - their latest encounter marks their second private meeting together in the Big Apple this year.

A source [said] that Jennifer agreed to visit Brad in his suite at the Essex House hotel the day after he attended a political conference with former U.S. president Bill Clinton in New York.

Asking Jennifer Aniston for relationship advice is like asking a fat person for diet tips or a Trekkie for a condom. I would just assume you were making fun of me and run away crying.

At the premiere of “Love Crappens:”

PHOTO CREDIT: Bauer-Griffin Online, Pacific Coast News

The rarely-seen Jolie-Pitt twins Knox and Vivienne were photographed with parents Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt as they stopped for ice cream during a visit to Amman, Jordan this weekend. The Daily Mail says

The couple made a surprise visit to the Licky Licious gelato store where the owner Ihab Fakhouri snapped a picture of the family that was later posted on Twitter.

It was a very rare public outing for the 14-month-old twins who, unlike their high-profile siblings, have only been seen a handful of times since their birth.

It has led to speculation about their health, with some US publications claiming they suffered allergies and were kept hidden away for safety reasons.

But the pair looked like ‘really happy kids’ according to Fakhouri, who gave them pecan, caramel, vanilla and mango ice cream to try.

They make for a lovely family, don’t they? Well, the twins and Angelina, I mean. Brad looks like he should be trip-trapping over a bridge to confront the hungry troll who passed over his two billy goat brothers.

Brad Pitt looked like a pretentious asswipe when he showed up to the Spanish premiere of Inglorious Basterds in a pair of monogrammed slippers. Still, I don’t think we should just jump to conclusions without giving him a chance to explain himself. For all we know, that BP could stand for “Butt Plug.” Or “Ball-less Puss.” It is Brad Pitt we’re talking about, after all.

With director Quention Tarantino:

Brad Pitt dropped over eighty grand last week building a special home for — wait for it — his kids’ new pet gerbils. Suck on that, New Orleans! The Sun says

Architecture fanatic Brad Pitt spent $82,000 building [the] bespoke run [and] personally oversaw every step of the project, [which] features a maze of tunnels, seesaws and platforms.

A source said: “Brad pores over architectural journals like other people pore over newspapers. He had so much fun putting the run together with his kids. It’s incredibly complex and cost a lot but Brad’s more than happy with any activity that can combine his two passions - his kids and architecture.”

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I’d wished I was a gerbil, I’d have… five fucking cents. What a stupid fucking waste of money.

Buying the gerbils with Angelina, Pax and Maddox:

If you already thought Angelina Jolie was wild in the bedroom, wait until you hear this. Us Magazine says

After arriving at their chateau in the South of France, [Brad and Angelina] took sons Maddox, 8, and Pax, 5, to a local pet and garden shop to buy gerbils on Thursday.

While at the store. Jolie reached into the cage to pet the “gerbilles” while Pitt perused the aisles. The couple stocked up on a cage and gear for their new pets and also bought Maddox a cactus.

Satiating your deviant coked-up rodent sexual fetishes under the guise of obtaining a family pet? That’s just despicable. And a cactus? I don’t even want to know what she’s going to do with with a fucking cactus. Wait… yes. Yes, I do. Perhaps a video. Or she could write it all down and use words like “throbbing” and “quivering” and “manflesh.” Trust me, I’m not picky. You might have met my first three husbands.

It might be a $20,000 dress constructed entirely of aniline-finished top grain leather made from the skin of unborn baby calves and stitched together by a small tribe of leather craftsmen living in the foothills of the Andes, but the fact still remains Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are dressed alike. Only seventh grade girls and people who get their portraits made at Olan Mills do that. Gay!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Contrary to the rumour started by the National Enquirer yesterday, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are not splitting up, says their rep.  From People:

Rumors of a breakup are “not true,” says the rep.

Reports surfaced Wednesday that Pitt and Jolie, who are parents to six children, were planning to make a split “official.” The reports stemmed from a story in the National Enquirer.

Just last month, the couple made a glamorous appearance together on the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival where Pitt’s new film, Inglourious Basterds, premiered. Jolie has also been filming her upcoming movie, Salt.

Ugh.  Whatever.  I told y’all that you can’t believe a damn thing from the Enquirer when the news is slow.  They outright make stuff up when there’s no real headlines.  By Friday, they’ll no doubt be running a story that Brad and Angie have set a wedding date and are moving forward with plans for Adventureland Panama.

According to the National Enquirer, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are officially splitting up:

Brad and Angelina are going their separate ways with the hope of reuniting in the future if they can repair their volatile relationship, disclosed an insider.

“They will make it official. It looks like Brad will be shooting two movies in California and in the Amazon, while Angelina is retreating to their French chateau with the rest of the family.

“It’s an official split.”

If the strong-willed couple can’t find a way to get back together, sources say the breakup could turn into an ugly court battle over their $200 million fortune and the custody of their six children.

The deciding moment for the pair came when they had strained words with each other while in Cannes, France, for the screening of Brad’s new movie Inglourious Basterds.

They put on a romantic show in front of the media, but Angie, 34, and Brad, 45, become frosty as soon as the spotlight was off, say friends.

A jealous Angelina was said to be incensed over the attention Brad was getting from other women,  having argued recently over Brad’s continued contact with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston.

“Brad and Angelina will make appearances together from time to time, and he’ll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split,” disclosed the insider.

It is, of course, theoretically possible that this is true, but there are a few things you should keep in mind here.  First, magazines like the Enquirer have been declaring Brad & Angelina broken up and/or engaged every few days for the past five years.  Second, it’s been an incredibly slow few weeks in celebrity news, and the Enquirer’s general philosophy is that when there’s no real news, they just write their own.

So sure, maybe Brad and Angie are splitting up.  They also might be looking into purchasing the country of Panama to turn it into an adventureland for their kids, or they could be considering making themselves a sovereign nation and declaring war on Belgium.  Anything’s possible.

What more Cannes I say here? That Angelina Jolie is unbelievably, jaw-droppingly, moutain-ox strangling punch-your-mother-in-the-face gorgeous? Please. That’s like trying to sing with all the voices of the mountains or paint with all the colors of the wind. It really only works if you’re two-dimensional and cloyingly stereotyped.

All may not be well in Brangelinaland — Angelina reportedly caught Brad dallying with the help late last week. According to Star Magazine

Brad was on the bed, rubbing the back of a pretty young nanny! Angie got so mad she slapped Brad and fired the girl on the spot!

“She completely flipped out,” says the insider. “She got right in Brad’s face, screaming at the top of her lungs, and told the nanny to get out of her house and never come back!”

The explosive argument woke up the sleeping twins, who began to cry. As Brad tried to console both the twins and the nanny, Angie just snapped — and slapped! — hitting him right across the face.

“He was stunned,” reveals the insider.

What makes this all the more shameful is that Angie reportedly used Brad’s own ballsack to slap him in the face. “Keeping his nuts on my person with his spine and what’s left of his free will really comes in handy during an argument,” she’s quoted as saying. I’d have to agree with her there. In my own personal experience, nothing stings quite like a scrotum to the face. But I’m afraid that’s a story for another day!

Angie filming “Salt” in D.C.:

The 81st Annual Academy Awards were last night, and as expected, “Slumdog Millionaire” cleaned house. Not literally, of course. It wasn’t a movie about Mexicans. Maybe what I should have said was “cleaned the Slurpee machine.” God knows I don’t want to come off sounding like some kind of racist. People Magazine says

Slumdog Millionaire racked up eight Academy Awards, including those for Best Picture and for its Director, Danny Boyle.

But it was not the underdog, The Wrestler star Mickey Rourke, who was named Best Actor. That Oscar category was won by Sean Penn, for Milk.

Kate Winslet was named Best Actress for her role… in The Reader. She confided to the audience in her acceptance speech that she first pretended to win an Oscar when she was 8 and looking in the bathroom mirror, holding a shampoo bottle. Only, Sunday night on the stage, she was holding a world-famous golden statuette. “Well,” she said, “it’s not a shampoo bottle now.”

The late Heath Ledger was named Best Supporting Actor for what presenter Kevin Kline called his “menacing, mercurial, droll and diabolical” role as the Joker in The Dark Knight. Penélope Cruz took the Best Supporting Actress in Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

[While nominated for 13 awards], The Curious Case of Benjamin Button [only]… ended up with three Oscars, for Art Direction, Makeup and Visual Effects.

I could keep going with this, or I could just read aloud the 1992’s census report while smearing Vick’s Vapo-Rub into your eyes. You’ll get the same feeling either way.

The night’s best-dressed below; for the complete list of winners click here.

Anne Hathaway:

Amy Adams:

Marion Cotillard:

Penelope Cruz:

Natalie Portman:

Brad and Angelina:

Honorable mentions Alicia Keys, Taj Henson, Diane Lane, Marissa Tomei and Robin Wright-Penn (just for the back):

Oh look, wee tiny Brangelinas.  Made out of lipstick.  How… nice?  Okay, they’re being auctioned for charity, so I guess it’s pretty nice.  Cosmetics site feelunique.com teamed with artist Willard Wigan to sculpt miniatures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie out of lipstick after they topped a poll for the world’s most kissable lips.  Wigan spent more than 50 hours carving the micro sculptures, which each measure a scant 9mm in height and 4mm in width.  Now they’re being auctioned as a set, with all proceeds going to Breast Cancer Campaign.

Here’s artist Willard Wigan with the sculptures, and I seriously love how he’s looking at them like he wants to bite their heads off: