The entire Brangelina brood was out in full force over the weekend in New Orleans, where Brad is currently shooting his new movie “Cogan’s Trade.” It didn’t say, but I assume from the pics that it’s a film about the plight of a family denied shampoo and access to a barber’s shears.
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
I’m glad to see Dorothy Zbornak’s memory will live on through Angelina Jolie. The red carpet was sorely lacking in early eighties lounge singer wear until she showed up on the scene.
MILDLY DISTURBING EDITOR’S NOTE: This the first image that comes up when you google Bea Arthur, but remember: that which is seen cannot be un-seen. Whoever is responsible for that atrocity should be beaten repeatedly with a polyester pantsuit.
More after the jump:
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
I don’t know what in the Monster High™ hell Angelina Jolie was wearing at the German premiere of The Tourist last night, but with the right combat boots and a touch of black lipstick, she could be the new face of Morticia Adams’ evening wear line at Hot Topic. Or possibly a super villain named “Black Velvet.”
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
Angelina Jolie and her baby daddy Brad Pitt were all kissy-kissy goo-goo at the red carpet premiere of her new movie “The Tourist” in New York last night, but behind their lovesick simpers and besotted pie-eyes, was something secretly amiss? Fame Pictures says:
Angelina avoided all of the media outlets on her way in, only stopping for the photographers, [presumably] to avoid questions about Chelsea Handlers’ recent remarks about her.
Oh, yes. I almost forgot. Some leathery old bat with a stand-up act called her a cunt yesterday. I just hope being hailed as the most beautiful woman in the world and making love to the two-time winner of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive offered Angelina the tiniest bit of solace as she walked down the red carpet at her blockbuster movie premiere. We can’t all have late-night cable shows and cirrhosis and bitter spinster friends. Some people are just born lucky, I guess!
With Brad on the red carpet (more pics after the jump):
I don’t know why Angelina Jolie would ever put on a velour pantsuit, much less wear it on the red carpet at a premiere. It makes about as much sense as those leather pants Brad Pitt’s wearing. Unless Hillary Clinton and the frontman from Winger are holding their kids at gunpoint, they’ve got no excuse whatsoever.
At the Megamind premiere in Paris yesterday:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Angelina Jolie really opens up about her children and her relationship with live-in baby daddy Brad Pitt in the December issue of Vogue Magazine — including her biological daughter’s penchant for collecting dead animals. Us Magazine says:
[Jolie says] four-year-old Shiloh recently discovered a dead bird.
“She came in and said, ‘Can I have a dead pet?’” Jolie recalls. “And I’m… ‘Uh-uh, I don’t think it’s healthy, honey. I think they have to put him in a box,’ and I had to run out to find, like, a taxidermy bird. I just worked it out for her.”
Jolie said Shiloh is “hilarious.”
I agree. Wanting to keep dead animals as pets is 100% hilarious. Not weird or creepy at all. In a less disturbing revelation, Angelina says:
“Pax is a better cook than me. But I try to [cook] when I can. But the kids are very sweet… so enthusiastic anytime I cook. I cooked them all breakfast before school this morning, and [Maddox] has that kind of ‘Thanks, Mom! Good job!’”
But Angelina claims she never intended on amassing a child army. She adds:
“I only planned for two! It’s one of those things. You have to know what you’re capable of handling and how your children will relate to each other. Maybe if you have one child and that child has a lot of needs, you realize you cannot give more attention to another. Sometimes you just know as a parent. We felt we could handle more children, and we have a very happy, very full home.”
“We take turns working. One of us is always at home with the kids — always. Taking them out to things and being there with them and bringing them to school or to the set to visit Mommy or Daddy.”
And finally, of her relationship with Brad, she says:
“Brad is extremely handsome and sexy. When I think about him, I just think of the man who’s such a great friend and such an extraordinary father. And that’s when I fall, you know, when I have my moments of getting — whoarr! — caught up in how much I love him… it’s usually when I see him with the children.”
So, anyway, back to the dead bird story. I had these two guinea pigs when I was a kid named Frick and Frack. And one morning I woke up and Frick had eaten Frack during the night. True fuckin’ story. All that was left were some bones and a couple of tufts of fur. Pretty disturbing for a little kid, right? So anyway, I tied a shoestring around Frick’s neck and hung him from the ceiling fan to punish him for his sins. That’s about the same time my parents hid all the knives in the house and started sleeping with their bedroom door locked.
Cheating scandal number 1,734 has rocked the very foundation of Casa Brangelina today, only this time it’s Brad who’s supposedly cheating on Angie. The always reputable Star Magazine says:
A young, sexy French model named Racine — who moonlights as a flight attendant for a private jet company that caters to A-listers, including Brad — claims that she bedded “Hollywood’s leading golden boy.”
The woman — who claims she has slept with at least three men that Angelina has also shared a bed with — says that she likes to sleep with married or attached men because, “They get so excited when they cheat! It turns me on because I’m able to give them what they lack.”
After years of being at the mercy of Angelina Jolie’s puss, I doubt Brad Pitt even has a functioning penis anymore. His wiener probably looks like a piece of Juicy Fruit that someone chewed up and spat out on the ground. All sad and shriveled and curled up to one side like a boiled shrimp caught in a nest of pubic hairs. There’s not much to do with that thing other than pee or maybe bait a hook.
Angelina in Pakistan; Brad in New Orleans with Brian Williams:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online
I don’t know when Angelina Jolie got the tapeworm, and I don’t remember Brad Pitt being a thrice-divorced used car salesman who camps at the airport Chili’s bar nursing Aquavit and winking at anyone who makes eye contact, but I think it’s obvious from these pictures that’s what happened. Tragic, really.
At the L.A. premiere of “Salt” last night (ten more pics after the jump):
PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin
Do you ever wonder what Jennifer Aniston’s been doing the last 5 years since she split from Brad Pitt? No, it’s not “a string of dead-end relationships and lackluster films”. Digital Spy clues us in to the truth:
Jennifer Aniston has revealed that she would consider having botox.
The 41-year-old actress, who split from ex-husband Brad Pitt in 2005, said that she now feels that it is time to start again after five years of “spring cleaning”.
When asked what she thinks about botox, Aniston told Harper’s Bazaar magazine: “I could do it. These lines are getting deeper every day.
“These lines are just about living. Look, I eat really well and I work out, but I also indulge when I want to. I don’t starve myself in an extremist way. You’re not taking away my coffee or my dairy or my glass of wine because I’d be devastated.
“The last five years have been about spring cleaning for me. Now it’s time for my rebirth. I love trying new things. I just can’t be put in a box.”
Really? I thought the never-been-the-same-since-her-husband-left-her-for-Angie-and-stuck-in-a-non-committed-relationship-cycle-all-while-wearing-black-to-mourn-your-lost-life box fit pretty damn well. Huh. Go figure.
On her never-ending tour to promote “The Bounty Hunter” in Madrid with Gerard Butler:
In the wake of a month of non-stop split rumors, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie put on a very public display of affection while she was on location shooting “The Tourist” yesterday. Star Magazine says
After their four older kids begged them to stop fighting, Angelina and Brad have made peace and traveled together to Europe — where Angie’s filming for the next three months to mend their fractured relationship.
In between takes, the couple shared a very public kiss — in front of the crew and waiting photographers — making it clear that, after months of fighting, they’re working it out.
Or Angie has found a new way to orally vacuum Brad’s balls straight out through his mouth like some kind of testicle-hungry Dementor from Harry Potter. It wouldn’t be right to make assumptions when we don’t actually know what’s going on here.
PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are heading from Venice to Paris, where Jolie is scheduled to shoot scenes for The Tourist with Johnny Depp. These photos were taken this morning, and the netterwebs are collectively pissing their pants because those twins are in them.
I don’t like babies. They have ginormous heads and they’re totally codependent and they’re really loud and they usually smell and they’re always sticky and they can never seem to close their mouths all the way so they look really stupid all the time and the least disgusting thing they’re ever covered with is a paste made of drool and diaper cream, but for some asinine reason most people are completely in love with babies. So here you go, here are some pictures of the littlest wrigglers in the Jolie-Pitt Rainbow Coalition.
I think they’re kinda fug. And they probably smell.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are suing mad over a story ran in British tabloid paper News of the World last week claiming the couple were on the verge of a nasty split. The Guardian UK says
Hollywood stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie today began a privacy action against the News of the World over a story that alleged the couple were separating.
The couple’s London lawyers said today: “The News of the World has failed to meet our clients’ reasonable demands for a retraction of and apology for these false and intrusive allegations which have now been widely republished by mainstream news outlets. We have advised them to bring proceedings, which they have now done.
We can confirm unequivocally that the allegations published by the News of the World are false as well as intrusive,” the firm said.
Of course they’re not splitting up! Why, Brad and Angelina’s love is as real as… as real as Bar Refeali’s breasts. Which, incidentally, I happened to have fifteen pictures of right here. I didn’t think it would be fair to draw that kind of visual analogy without giving you a proper frame of reference. I’d hate to be responsible for a disconnect between writer and reader.
In the swimsuit issue:
