After being “on a break” for more than three weeks, Jennifer Aniston has finally been dumped by boyfriend John Mayer. A source told The Mirror

“There’s been a bit of tension for some time. They initially opted for a break, hoping a trial split might make them stronger. John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Jen [wanted] to set a timetable for their future together [and] wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children.

Initially, Jennifer was furious when he told her of his decision but now she’s simply sad - not to mention a little heartbroken.

Well, if it’s any consolation, John seems to be a little heartbroken himself. Rush and Molloy say

John Mayer [has] been crying his eyes out over his apparent split with Jennifer Aniston. His makeup artist had to use PerriconeMD’s Advanced Eye Area Therapy because the rocker’s eyes were puffy.

There was no official word as to whether they used Always with Wings^TM or Tampax Pearl^TM to wipe away his tears, but either way, you can bet it was super faggy and smelled like panty liners.

Jennifer living the single life at Foxtail in Hollywood August 7th:

Now that Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr’s fling with Orlando Bloom is over, she’s sought refuge in the oily arms of douchebag Brandon Davis. According to In Touch Weekly

On July 12, Brandon and Miranda were spotted “full on making out” at 1Oak [and] kissing at Beatrice Inn. While a rep for Miranda denies she has split with Orlando, she was overheard telling Brandon about the breakup. “Miranda always seems to go to Brandon when she has a fight with Orlando,” the insider says. “He’s her rebound guy.”

“Rebound?” That’s gotta be a misquote. The source probably meant grease hound. You know, for those times when a plate full of bacon drippings and vaseline just don’t fill the void.

Funny man Jimmy Kimmel and comedienne Sarah Silverman have broken up after five years together. Vanity Fair was the first to report

Jimmy and Sarah are no longer dating and issued a joint statement that “Jimmy and Sarah have and will have no further comment.”

With them, so has the faith of all those believed—as we did—that their union was the binding force that kept Hollywood from exploding in a mass chain reaction of irony and sexual frivolity.

Since their relationship is no longer there to hold Hollywood together, perhaps Tinseltown could be bound together with something a little more durable. Like a rope woven from Sarah Silverman’s arm hair, for example. It’s practically an unbreakable bond.

Gorilla arms at the 19th Annual GLAAD Media Awards last month: