Surprise, surprise — Renee Zellweger’s getting dumped for the 384th time. A record only ever previously held by Jennifer Aniston! The Daily Mail says

["Hangover" star Bradley Cooper] has told the unlucky-in-love actress he isn’t ready to give up life as a bachelor.

“Bradley is enjoying his status as a hot successful star and doesn’t want to settle,” says an LA mole. “He’s told Renee he wants space – but at the same time he’s started getting flirty with [Hollywood producer] Holly Wiersma.”

Cooper, 34, and 40-year-old Zellweger grew close after holidaying in Vancouver and Barcelona. Pals say Zellweger is distraught.

Of course he’s breaking up with her. Geez. Have you seen Renee Zellweger? I wouldn’t fuck that squinty-faced goblin with a bag of a hundred dicks. And let’s be honest, if I had actually had a bag of a hundred dicks, I sure as hell wouldn’t go around chasing down Renee Zellweger. I’d be at home, gift-wrapping it for your mom. Zing!

Going their separate ways at LAX:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Both Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have publicly maintained that cheating had nothing to do with their split earlier this week. In fact, “nobody cheated” was pretty much the only quote they gave to Us Weekly. But methinks the couple doth protest too much! Radar Online says

Cheating charges are flying BOTH WAYS in the relationship now.

Fox News broke the story that Reggie saw text messages from Kanye West on Kim’s phone and “flipped out.” The messages were [reportedly] more than just friendly.

Now a sexy Latino model in Miami is claiming she had a [months-long] affair with Reggie that included hookups in Los Angeles, Las Vegas and Miami and X-rated texts and phone messages, and [she] has been threatening to take her story public to the highest bidding magazine.

Kim was aware of the model’s charges and furious about it. The model did have video of herself in Bush’s house.

I just hope Reggie had the foresight to pee all over the model in the video. That way he and Kim could put aside their differences and get a “Wet ‘n Wild” sex tape box set in the works. I think I know a “golden” idea when I hear one!

Although it was rumored that Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson because he found texts from ex-boyfriend John Mayer on her phone, it looks like country music star Kenny Chesney may have actually driven them a part. According to Star Magazine

Jessica was openly flirting with Kenny earlier this month during a summer getaway — and [that] shameless flirtfest that proved to be the last straw for Tony Romo.

“She was giving him all her attention, and they seemed very intimate,” an eyewitness [says of] Jessica and Kenny’s cabana chat. “They were sitting so close, their heads were together.”

Tony “looked real jealous that she was talking to Kenny,” says a source. He angrily confronted his girlfriend… [and then] stormed off the beach.

For the last ten years, Kenny Chesney has been under the misguided impression you won’t figure out he’s bald as a fucking badger as long as he doesn’t take his hat off. He just found the only person dumb enough to actually believe it.

Jessica looking like a crazy homeless woman last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News

Get ready to have your faith in true love unfathomably shaken — Kim Kardashian and football star Reggie Bush have gone their separate ways after two years together. According to Us Magazine

“Nobody cheated,” a source close to the couple says. “This is just a case of conflicting schedules and their lives going in different directions. It was a totally mutual decision.”

The reality star, 28, began dating Bush, 24, in April 2007.

I’m sure that after this, nothing will be able to fill the hole left in her heart. Fortunately, any number of black dudes ought to be able to fill the hole between her legs. Zing!

Kim in Ocean Drive magazine:

The three-year long romance between Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo is over, or as I like to call it, “who the fuck cares.” According to Us Weekly

“They have amicably split but remain good friends who still greatly care for one another,” Minnillo’s rep [says].

Adds a source: “It was an amicable break-up. They walk away from it still friends. They still care about each other very much. This is what’s best for both of them.”

“What’s best for both of them” comes out of the business end of a Winchester 30-ought-6 rifle. My Papaw says that goes double for foreigners, democrats and horses with broken legs. That’s probably why he lives in a nursing home now.

Vanessa showing off her tits and Nick cheesing up some skank in Paradise:

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have broken up and gotten back together more times than I can count, so see if you can guess where this is going. E! Online says

After Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson reconnected last month following their split in April, the couple has once again broken up after a nasty argument… [about] Sam’s friendship with Nicole Richie, who’s apparently no fan of Lohan.

Just last week Nicole invited Sam to a mutual friend’s birthday party at Bar Marmont with the stipulation that she not bring Lindsay. “Sam went to the party, and it really upset Lindsay,” says the source.

After Sam had dinner with Nicole last night, a source says she gave Linds the kiss-off.

This is boring, so in more important news, I came across these pictures of Lindsay Lohan partying at the Axe Body Spray Lounge in the Hamptons. No, seriously. Axe fucking Body Spray. You will never find a more wretched hive of douchiness and ass-wipery. If being photographed at the Axe Body Spray lounge wasn’t enough to tip you off, here’s a handy list of ways to tell if you are, in fact, a complete douchebag. Might want to write these down.

TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG

10. You have a subscription to Maxim or Cigar Aficionado magazine

9. You refer to yourself as “Turbo” or “Deuce”

8. You use the term “bromance” and “manscape” in everyday conversation

7. You have a soul patch

6. You have a dream catcher hanging in your bedroom

5. You have a dream catcher tattooed on your bicep

4. You have a Chinese symbol/tribal armband/yin-yang tattooed on your bicep

3. You Tivo every episode of Entourage

2. You’re Brett Michaels

and the number one way to tell whether or not you’re a douchebag:

1. You’re reading this list because part of you isn’t totally sure you aren’t a douchebag. Douchebag!

Lindsay Lohan did what any girl who had just been dumped and publicly humiliated would do — she called a tabloid magazine to discuss the breakup at length. According to Us Weekly

“It’s absolute hell,” Lohan [said] in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls where she was both agitated [and] crying. “The worst night of my life. I’m not a bad person and this is what happens. Everyone’s turned on me.”

She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, bitch.”

“I’m a f–king 22-year-old girl who’s in love,” she says. “I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie.”

Sources tell the magazine Ronson had repeatedly tried to break up with Lohan over the past month, but each time, “Lindsay threatens to kill herself.”

Lohan laughs upon hearing that, saying she’s okay.

“I’m just really hurt!” she says. “The whole situation is sick.”

I agree. The whole situation is sick. At least the part involving Samantha Ronson’s vagina, anyway. I bet it looks like a couple of clam strips that spent the last six months pickling in a big jar of brine and broiling under a heat lamp, all shriveled and dehydrated and curled up on themselves like really long flesh-colored raisins. That bitch is straight-up disgusting.

After categorically denying it all weekend, Lindsay Lohan finally admitted that she and Samantha Ronson have split. She told E! Online

“We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself.”

A “brief break,” was it? Because the way I remember it, Samantha changed the locks and physically barred you from attending any of her gigs. If that’s the case, then my robbing a pharmacy at gunpoint must just be a “brief break from the laws of civilized society” and my arsenal of prescription drugs must a “brief break from the constraints of reality.” Too bad the American penal system doesn’t see it your way, Lindsay.

UPDATE: Us Weekly is reporting that the Ronsons have requested a brief police-ordered break from Lindsay, or as the cops like to call it, a restraining order.

Pop Quiz: is this Lindsay Lohan, or her thirty years older whore of a mother? Make sure and show your work!

PHOTO SOURCE: Mavrix Online

They’ve broken up and gotten back together like 400 times, but this time it might be really truly be over for Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. Samantha reportedly changed the locks on her doors and even banned Lindsay from her DJ gig at Bar Marmont. According to OK! Magazine

Ronson had gone out of [her] way to insure [Lindsay] wouldn’t be able to get inside. Doormen were under strict instructions… to look out for Lindsay and not to let her in under any circumstances.

But just as expected, Linds still showed up, only to be “restrained from coming in by five security guards,” according to an onlooker. “Lindsay knew she was unwanted, but came anyway, to no avail.”

Nothing like being forcibly removed from a party to let you know that it’s really over between you and an ex. It’s so much more clear-cut than being forcibly removed from a party for, say, singing “Moon River” in broken Cantonese into a microphone you pirated from the bride’s grandmother and then relieving yourself in the champagne fountain in front of the ring bearer. You have to admit, there’s a lot open to interpretation there.

If you’re wondering what went wrong between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer (and I know you are), you finally have your answer: Twitter. John, it seems, chose to constantly update his Twitter account instead of returning Jen’s incessant phone calls from Europe, where she was promoting her film “Marley & Me.” According to the Daily Mail

The 40-year-old actress… was unimpressed he found time to write random ramblings on the site, but not to contact her.

A pal claimed: ‘John suddenly stopped calling her or returning her e-mails and when she would finally catch up with him, he’d say, “I’ve been so busy with work. I’m sorry I haven’t had time to call you back.”

Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates. Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like, “He has time for all this Twittering but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?”

Oh, if I know our Jenny, she’ll be bouncing back in no time. Wait, did I just say “bouncing back?” Because I meant “deciding whether to watch ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’ or listen to ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’ when she finally kicks the chair out from underneath herself.” My bust!

Clutching the script for “The Baster” the day after the break up:

Rihanna has finally seen the error of her ways and kicked Chris Brown to the curb — not because he beat the living shit out of her and threatened to kill her, mind you, but because he won’t dump his 39-year-old manager Tina Davis. A source told Access Hollywood

“Rihanna’s unhappy, and she has been for some time unhappy with the relationship that Chris Brown has with Tina Davis. It’s not exactly clear whether or not it is a sexual relationship, but Rihanna has come out and given Chris Brown the ultimatum.”

There have been rumors swirling for years that Brown and Davis have had a relationship that went beyond their business ties. Apparently [Brown] refused to part ways with his manager — who acted as his mentor, and maybe more, since his early teens — so he sided with Davis over his Covergirl girlfriend.

Funny, I just read something about this guy who liked bangin’ some old broad over a hot young piece of ass. Oedipus, I think his name was. I’m pretty sure it had a happy ending.

Leaving ‘Da Silvano’ restaurant in Manhattan:

I guess the magic only lasts about four months — former Girl Next Door Holly Madison has split with Mindfreak douchebag Criss Angel. According to E! Online

“She was very much in love with him, and they’re still very close friends,” [says] a source. “It was a conflict of schedules. She felt she couldn’t devote 100 percent of her time in Vegas and his career at the expense of her career and her goals.”

The 29-year-old Madison and 41-year-old Angel had been [living together in Vegas] since December, but the Playboy pinup recently moved back in with family.

Oh, don’t you worry your pretty little heads about that. He’ll find some way to win her back, you’ll see. Maybe a new shade of eyeliner. Deep plum instead of black. And one of those gothic mani-pedis and some new Oscar Blandi texturizing paste and a little more layering around the face. Hell, maybe this time he’ll even invest in one of those “penis” things Holly was always rambling on about. Drastic times call for drastic measures!

Happier times at the “Repo: The Genetic Opera” premiere: