Paris Hilton was just on Letterman last week talking about the blissful happiness of her relationship with Doug Reinhardt (video below), so I’m sure you guys will be shocked — just SHOCKED, I tell you — to hear that the fairy tale has ended.  From Us:

“In response to inquiries on whether Paris Hilton has split with Doug Reinhardt, we can confirm this is true. They are no longer together,” her rep tells Us of the couple, who have been dating since February. “They remain friends and we ask that you please respect their privacy. Paris will not discuss the relationship further.”

As recently as April, Hilton declared that she’d wed Reinhardt.

“He’s going to be my husband,” she told E!. “We’re best friends. It’s not like we just met. We’ve known each other over the past year. I was in a relationship before and we reconnected. I’m really in love and really happy.”

HAHAHAHA!  Ahem… sorry.  In related news, it seems that in the midst of releasing statements to everyone on earth, Paris and/or her rep forgot to inform just one person — and that person was Doug Reinhardt.  From E! Online:

Too bad Doug didn’t get the memo.

After hearing the breakup news from Team Paris, we contacted Doug earlier this afternoon, and he insisted, “No, that’s not true. Everything is OK between us.”

Oops.

Heeeee!  Oh man, Paris Hilton is SUCH an assclown.  You’d think that at some point she’d learn to stop cramming those size 17 feet in her mouth, but she’s just so eternally remedial.  It’s fascinating to me how she can even remember not to walk on all fours or eat her own feces.

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt, just days before their split:

Paris on The Late Show with David Letterman on 5 June 2009 yammering incessantly about her “love” and how perfectly happy they are together:

Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston are through with their pedophilic shenanigans.  I guess either his shelf life expired or she got too old for him.  Either that or she got bored with playing out her daddy issues for the international press.  From E! Online:

The 16-year-old starlet has ended her nine-month romance with the 20-year-old underwear model, sources close to the duo exclusively confirm to E! News.

The Hannah Montana star called things off last week as she prepared to leave Los Angeles for two months to shoot her Nicholas Sparks movie, The Last Song, in Savannah, Ga.

Speculation of trouble peaked yesterday when the two simultaneously twittered about tears and goodbyes.

A source close to the couple says both of them are really heartbroken over the split.

Well, that’s pretty lame and boring, but there’s apparently more to the story.  Supposedly, it was a Jonas Brother who drove a wedge between the knicker dummy and the hillbilly:

Gaston, a Louisiana native, has told pals that the star’s resurrected friendship with Nick Jonas this spring was his Achilles’ heel.

“She obviously has been hanging out with Nick again a lot, and Justin was cool with it at first, as long as it was just a cool, friendly thing,” says an insider. “She didn’t cheat, but I guess Nick was trying to get her back the whole time.”

Yeah, that’s still totally boring.  I can’t even put into words how little I care about some dirty old man panty mannequin’s angst, or about Hannah Montana and Little Jonas dry humping each other whilst praying or whatever.  Everyone involved in this nonsense is creepy and disgusting.

Contrary to the rumour started by the National Enquirer yesterday, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are not splitting up, says their rep.  From People:

Rumors of a breakup are “not true,” says the rep.

Reports surfaced Wednesday that Pitt and Jolie, who are parents to six children, were planning to make a split “official.” The reports stemmed from a story in the National Enquirer.

Just last month, the couple made a glamorous appearance together on the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival where Pitt’s new film, Inglourious Basterds, premiered. Jolie has also been filming her upcoming movie, Salt.

Ugh.  Whatever.  I told y’all that you can’t believe a damn thing from the Enquirer when the news is slow.  They outright make stuff up when there’s no real headlines.  By Friday, they’ll no doubt be running a story that Brad and Angie have set a wedding date and are moving forward with plans for Adventureland Panama.

I have an evening update for you, my pretties.  It seems that Christina Ricci and Owen Benjamin have called off their engagement, presumably because the power of their love failed to overcome the laws of physics and make the corresponding parts line up correctly to facilitate true intimacy.  Sometimes love just ain’t enough, I guess.  From People:

Christina Ricci and her comedian boyfriend Owen Benjamin have ended their engagement, sources tell PEOPLE.

“Owen had a birthday party this past Sunday, and everything seemed fine. Sometime after, they got into a fight and decided to reevaluate things. [Then] the engagement was off,” says a source close to the couple.

Another source close to the actress says the pair called off the engagement before last week. “They really are still close,” adds the source. “They talk almost every day. It was a very mature decision and they both felt good about it. They’re definitely still friends.”

A rep for Ricci had no comment.

If it’s true that they’ve split up, that makes me sad in the pants because Christina Ricci is almost inhumanly adorable and it displeases me to think that such cuteness could be showered by the heavens with anything but sparkling happiness.  The fact that there seems to be some dispute over when, precisely, the split took place and her rep’s refusal to comment could mean this is merely a rumour… which would also mean there’s still hope for their as-yet-unborn horde of traveling sideshow giant midget children.  Midget giant children?  Whatever.  Freakshow!  With sequinned costumes!  Mend your rifts and make it happen, lovebirds!

According to the National Enquirer, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are officially splitting up:

Brad and Angelina are going their separate ways with the hope of reuniting in the future if they can repair their volatile relationship, disclosed an insider.

“They will make it official. It looks like Brad will be shooting two movies in California and in the Amazon, while Angelina is retreating to their French chateau with the rest of the family.

“It’s an official split.”

If the strong-willed couple can’t find a way to get back together, sources say the breakup could turn into an ugly court battle over their $200 million fortune and the custody of their six children.

The deciding moment for the pair came when they had strained words with each other while in Cannes, France, for the screening of Brad’s new movie Inglourious Basterds.

They put on a romantic show in front of the media, but Angie, 34, and Brad, 45, become frosty as soon as the spotlight was off, say friends.

A jealous Angelina was said to be incensed over the attention Brad was getting from other women,  having argued recently over Brad’s continued contact with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston.

“Brad and Angelina will make appearances together from time to time, and he’ll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split,” disclosed the insider.

It is, of course, theoretically possible that this is true, but there are a few things you should keep in mind here.  First, magazines like the Enquirer have been declaring Brad & Angelina broken up and/or engaged every few days for the past five years.  Second, it’s been an incredibly slow few weeks in celebrity news, and the Enquirer’s general philosophy is that when there’s no real news, they just write their own.

So sure, maybe Brad and Angie are splitting up.  They also might be looking into purchasing the country of Panama to turn it into an adventureland for their kids, or they could be considering making themselves a sovereign nation and declaring war on Belgium.  Anything’s possible.

Maybe she’s tired of being pedophile fodder. Maybe she’s tired of all the dirty, dirty things Justin Gaston wants her to do and the burning and itching afterwards, but word from the rumor mill is that Miley Cyrus wants to go back to her old boyfriend, the virginal Nick Jonas. NY Daily News reports,

“Miley and Nick want to get back together,” our source tells us. “Because they’re working together [on a new video], they’ve been put in close proximity to each other. They’re now spending more and more time together, and they’re constantly on the phone.”

When the two were photographed together on a lunch date at L.A.’s Village Idiot in mid-April, Miley laughed off rumors of a romance, using the “just friends” chestnut.

But do friends kiss and cuddle? When the two get together these days, their relationship hardly seems platonic. Says our insider, “Miley was over at the Jonas house recently, and they were smooching. Nick’s parents have this rule that when a girl is over, the door has to be open, but that didn’t stop Nick and Miley from making out.”

I’m still betting that Miley ends up either pregnant or in rehab by her 18th birthday. Maybe if her dad didn’t spend so much time styling his hair he could do something about that, but somehow I don’t see that happening. Man looks like a freaking Maltese dog.

Miley and Daddy Dearest at the UK Premiere of Hannah Montana: The Movie

Unable to squeeze out enough sperm out of John Mayer’s testes to force life into her arid womb, Jennifer Aniston has once again called their relationship off. Newsday gives us the “facts”, as it were. My conjecture is more interesting, I think.

“They had some disagreements and decided to not continue to see each other,” a source told People magazine, which reported an end to the high-profile relationship - for the second time - on its Web site yesterday.

Another source told the magazine that Mayer cooled off the romance after Aniston returned from Europe, where she’d been promoting “Marley & Me.”

I hope this is the end. All this breaking up, and going back, and breaking up, reminds me unfortunately of my dog pooping, eating the poop, then pooping again. It may look tasty, but it’s still dog shit.

Bring out your hankies, Jennifer Love Hewitt and fiancé Ross McCall have called it quits! People reports,

“They broke up over the holidays and have ended their engagement,” says a source close to the couple. “They’re both really sad about this. Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy. Everyone just wants the best for both of them.”

Reps for both Hewitt and McCall had no immediate comment.

The Ghost Whisperer star, 29, got engaged to the Scottish actor, 32, in November 2007 after dating for two years.

While the couple hadn’t announced a date, in October Hewitt told PEOPLE her svelte new look was prompted not by those infamous 2007 bikini pictures – and the ensuing controversy over body image after she took to her blog to defend herself – but by her upcoming nuptials.

“I’m getting ready to turn 30 and get married and all those things,” Hewitt said. “This year was my year to try to glow from within and feel better.”

Well, I suppose if The Ghost Whisperer gets canceled she might be able to put her wedding dress to good use and get a job as Little Leota in the Haunted Mansion. She’s got the look down, alright. Hurry baaaack, hurry baaaack….

Hey guys, it’s Sarah today.  So, The Jonas Brothers are dumb and annoying and I can’t even be bothered to really tell them apart, but you know the gay one?  With the stupid hair?  Who’s always yapping about something lame?  No, not that one.  The other one.  No, the other other one.  No, the middle one.  I think its name is Jon or Jeff or something.  Whatever.  Anyway, it has apparently taken to its MySpace page to blather about its breakup with Taylor Swift and its new relationship with Camilla Belle and the developing story of The Most Boring Feud in the History of Ever.  From People:

In a heartfelt letter to fans, Joe Jonas addresses his recent breakup with Taylor Swift, saying that certain “issues” led to a “change of heart.”

Although he doesn’t mention Swift by name, the teen idol makes clear in his MySpace post he’s referring to the country star, who has been speaking and singing about the split.

“Several things I will state with all my heart,” writes Jonas, 19, who’s now quietly dating actress Camilla Belle. “I never cheated on a girlfriend. It might make someone feel better to assume or imply I have been unfaithful but it is simply not true. Maybe there were reasons for a breakup. Maybe the heart moved on. Perhaps feelings changed. I am truly saddened that anything would potentially cause you to think less of me.”

Uhh… listen, the only way I could think less of Middle Jonas is if… actually no, there is just no way I could think less of him.  Seriously, shut UP, kid.  You sing in a lame tiny tot band with your two stupid brothers and you’re most famous for wearing purity rings and dressing like assclowns.  Your “relationships” with girls can’t possibly warrant this much drama, so until you finally come out and start dating someone appropriate for you, like Christian Siriano, please go away.  And take Old Jonas and Little Jonas with you.