Despite the pleas of men the world over, Megan Fox is still planning on marrying 90210 douche Brian Austin Green. Brian told People Magazine at GQ’s Woman of the Year bash on Tuesday

“[The ceremony will be] small. We might have a few people there. Don’t expect a lot of press hoopla surrounding [the] big day… You might hear about it the week after.”

Brian Austin Green better have a donkey-sized penis, because that’s about the only thing that could make this union credible. Either a giant wiener, or maybe sole possession of a ring forged in the fires of Mount Doom by the Elven smiths of Eregion. It’s the only way this makes any goddamn sense.

Despite rumors that their engagement is off, Brian Austin Green insists that he and Megan Fox are as happy as ever. He told Us Weekly

“We’re solid. We’ve lived together for three years. We have tattoos of each other’s names. We have more time away from each other right now than we’d like. [We're] rescuing pets from pet stores. We have a potbellied pig, we have dogs, two cats, two birds a squirrel. And Megan wants a leopard - that’ll never happen!”

You have the feeling that he was saying everything really fast and rocking back and forth the whole time he was talking and gesturing to an empty chair and saying, “Isn’t that right Megan? Right, sweetie?” And then maybe compulsively wiping the sweat of his face and blinking really fast before bursting into maniacal laughter that gave way to anguished sobbing.

At Fred Segal in West Hollywood Tuesday:

Megan Fox showed up bare-fingered at the MTV Movie Awards earlier this month without fiancè Brian Austin Green on her arm. I smell trouble in paradise! According to Star Magazine

Megan hasn’t been photographed wearing the ring in months. An insider on the set of her movie says, “I’ve never seen her wearing an engagement ring. I actually thought she and [co-star] Adam Brody were dating. They were very flirty with each other and were always hanging out together when they weren’t working.”

This really doesn’t come as a surprise. I wouldn’t use Brian Austin Green’s penis to stamp out a brush fire, so there’s no reason it should be coming within smelling distance of Megan Fox’s nether regions. In fact, the only real use I can think of for Brian Austin Green’s dork is is maybe distracting scorpions away from unsuspecting babies or a carnival booth type-thing where you get to flick his penis for a dollar and all the proceeds go to a charity for children with cancer. I think the public could really get behind that. Unlike Megan Fox, who he’s probably never going to get behind again. Zing!

Outtakes from Japanese Rolling Stone: