Despite a rigorous schedule of dancing, Bristol Palin bucks the trend of weight loss while on “Dancing with the Stars” and appears to have gained instead. She should probably tell Mama Palin to stop sending her whale blubber snacks. Says Daily News,

Bristol Palin has surprised judges and viewers alike with her improvement on “Dancing with the Stars,” but the single mom has also sparked one particular question.

How the heck is she not losing weight on this show?

The ABC reality competition requires contestants to dance for hours on an almost daily basis if they want to last as long as Palin has. “DWTS” alum Kelly Osbourne credits her stint on the show as a catalyst for her 50-pound weight loss. And as fellow competitor Kyle Massey has demonstrated, the intense exercise can cause pounds to seemingly melt away.

But not always.

Last month, Palin herself acknowledged that she hadn’t shed any weight while on the show.

“I haven’t really noticed a change in [my body],” she told “Access Hollywood.” “I think most people lose weight [on the show] because they’re too stressed out to eat. I haven’t had that problem!”

Photos of the petite 20-year-old in May compared to images from last Monday’s episode suggest she might have actually gained a few pounds – but it’s totally normal, experts say.

“Anyone who participates in any type of vigorous, regular physical activity could potentially gain weight,” says Elisa Zied, a registered dietician and author of “Nutrition at Your Fingertips.”

When people work out, they tone their muscles and “muscle weighs more than fat,” Zied adds.

Well damn, she must have one muscular face. I wonder how much she can bench on one cheek? That’s kind of like me; I had a really bad accident that required the doctors to take muscle from my abdomen to replace muscle lost in my face. Now when I smile, I have a six pack rippling up both sides of my face. It’s kind of weird. I keep getting calls from Barnum and Bailey’s, whoever that is. I’d answer it, but I can’t seem to get the phone close enough to my ear to hear.

Arriving for practice:

I don’t know anybody that watches “Making the Band,” but some chick from season 3 (Really? Three seasons?) named Brittani Senser made a music video with Levi Johnston that was responsible for the demise of his and Bristol Palin’s (second) engagement. And now, you can finally watch said video. Try not to piss your pants from sheer excitement. Daily Mail says:

The video for R&B singer Senser’s song After Love shows the singer dealing with a domineering mother who wants her to end the romance between herself and Johnston’s character .

Bristol Palin was clearly not impressed to hear about the video, citing it as an element to their second break up in July.

‘The final straw was him flying to Hollywood for what he told me was to see some hunting show but come to find out it was that music video mocking my family,’ she [said].

‘He’s just obsessed with the limelight and I got played.’

Yes, he’s obsessed with the limelight. Said the girl on “Dancing with the Stars” who publicly announced her (re) engagement on the cover of Us Weekly. For the record, I’ve seen Star Wars-brand condoms that weren’t that ironic.

In news that you’re guaranteed not to give a shit about, unwed teenage mother Bristol Palin has joined the cast of season 11′s “Dancing with the D-listers Has-Beens Nobodies Stars.” Star Magazine says:

Bristol Palin — daughter of Sarah Palin and baby mama of Levi Johnston — will be hitting the dance floor on the upcoming 11th season of Dancing With the Stars.

She will join The Hills’ Audrina Patridge, Dirty Dancing’s Jennifer Grey and The Brady Bunch’s Florence Henderson.

The full list of DWTS constants will be announced during The Bachelor Pad on Monday night. The series will premiere Sept. 20 on ABC.

I’m sure this little stint on DWTS will open a whole world of opportunity for her. Like doing the commentary for Tru TV’s “World’s Dumbest Criminals” or telling me how the folks at Dobbs Nissan-Suzuki don’t care if you have bad credit or no credit — repossession or bankruptcy, you’re still approved!

Demonstrating that satin is NOT her friend at some charity event last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Less than a month ago Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston announced they had reunited and were engaged. Well, Bristol is a total Indian giver. Digital Spy explains,

Bristol Palin has reportedly said that she has split from Levi Johnston for a second time.

The couple initially separated last year – shortly following the birth of their son Tripp in December 2008 – but announced that they had rekindled their romance and were engaged again last month.

However, speaking to People, the daughter of former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin said: “It’s over. I broke up with him.”

The 19-year-old went on to claim that trouble in their relationship surfaced in mid-July when Johnston informed her of the possibility he had fathered a child with another woman. Palin declined to identify the woman in question although Johnston’s ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia recently dismissed speculation that she is expecting a child with him.

Palin continued to say that the “final straw” was Johnston’s alleged “obsession with the limelight”, claiming: “[He flew] to Hollywood for what he told me was to see some hunting show but come to find out it was that music video mocking my family. He’s just obsessed with the limelight and I got played.”

She added that she has only seen Johnston once in the past three weeks and still hopes that she can find a solid relationship for herself and Tripp, 19 months, in the future.

A spokesperson for Johnston has yet to comment, although his attorney Rex Butler is quoted as telling the Washington Post that the couple might still reconcile.

“These young folk have a lot of pressure on them right now,” he said. “All you have to do is watch that show Bridezillas – it’s on and off, on and off, depending on the pressures.”

I’ve heard some pretty weak lies before, but going to a hunting show in Hollywood is pretty bad. That’s like that time my ex-husband told me he was going to a prayer meeting at the Bottoms Up strip club. He said he was “ministering” to the soiled doves. He “ministered in the spirit” so well that one of them had an immaculate conception. Praise Jeebus!

It looks like Levi Johnston intends to make an honest woman out of Bristol Palin, because the two are engaged again, Us Weekly reports.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston reveal exclusively in the new Us Weekly that they are getting married.

And, they tell Us Weekly, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has been kept in the dark about their plans … until now.

“We got engaged two weeks ago,” Bristol, 19, tells Us Weekly. “It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents.”

Bristol and Levi, 20 — who famously called off their previous engagement two weeks after welcoming son Tripp in December 2008 — tell Us Weekly they reconnected three months ago while working out a custody plan for their 18-month-old son.

“I really thought we were over,” Levi tells Us Weekly. “So when I went, I had no hope. I think we both just started talking — and then we took Tripp for a walk.”

Says Bristol, “When he left that night, we didn’t hug or kiss, but I was thinking how different it was. He texted me: ‘I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you again’ … I was in shock.”

Now comes the hard part: Getting the blessing of Sarah Palin, who has made no secret of her feelings for Levi. He provoked her fury last fall when he claimed that she had called her infant son Trig (who has Down syndrome) “retarded.” She fired back, telling reporters that anyone who posed for Playgirl would “say and do anything for even more attention.” Later, during an interview with Oprah Winfrey, she dubbed him “Ricky Hollywood” and called his “aspiring porn” career “heartbreaking.”

Says Bristol, “It is intimidating and scary just to think about what her reaction is going to be. Hopefully she will jump on board.”

The Palins released a statement on the Today show Wednesday morning: “Bristol at 19 is now a young adult. We obviously want what’s best for our children. Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives.”

I’d be careful if I were him. I envision Thanksgiving dinners with Sarah giving him the evil eye over the mashed potatoes, and wouldn’t be surprised if his turkey had a healthy dose of buckshot in it. You know she’s going to bring up the fact that he posed for Playgirl at the wedding while introducing him to friends and family:  ”And here’s my new son-in-law, the one who almost showed his wiener and did show his naked bottom for the whole world to see in that smut magazine. But we’ve totally forgiven him for that embarrassing indiscretion.” It has familial bliss written all over it.

Bristol in an unfortunate and unflattering dress at The Candie’s Foundation Event To Prevent back in May:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Levi Johnston, best known as “the guy who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter,” will be posing nude in a photo shoot for gay men’s magazine Playgirl. The Daily Mail says

Levi Johnston, the ex-lover of Mrs Palin’s 18-year-old daughter Bristol, is training three hours a day, six nights a week at a gym in Alaska in preparation for the shoot.

Mr Johnston has been working out with Marvin Jones, a former Mr Alaska competitor who has put the teenager on a low-carb, high-protein diet.

No date has been set for the Playgirl photo shoot, but it is expected to be previewed by the end of the year.

Mrs Palin’s representatives did not respond to a request for comment on the Playgirl job.

So Levi Johnston will be showing the world his johnson. Ha ha, get it? Johnston, johnson? It’s a wiener joke. I wouldn’t want a joke that subtle to slip right over your head.

Not showing his wiener in GQ: