I just don’t get Britney Spears. From one angle, she looks terrific, and then from another angle, she looks like she has the arms of the Michelin Man and the gut of a retired linebacker. The only way this makes any sense is if she’s a shapeshifter or randomly experiencing bursts of increasing gravitational pull.
In Australia with the kiddies and boyfriend Jason Tratwick (more pics after the jump):
Britney Spears’ entire extended family joined her in Miami yesterday for a little fun in the sun with the kiddies. The Daily Mail sys
Famous sisters Britney Spears and Jamie Lynn Spears wore colorful bikinis as they relaxed poolside with their children, mother Lynne and father Jamie at the five-star Mandarin Oriental Hotel on Brickell Key.
Britney and her sons Sean Preston, three, and Jayden James, two, frolicked in the pool with Jamie and her 14-month-old daughter Maddie.
Things sure start improving when you get both Spears siblings together in bikinis! Like your odds of finding a dude with a high school equivalency who actually knows how to bowhunt nearby, for example.
The first of the Russell Brand/Britney Spears VMA’s commercials hit the airwaves yesterday, and in this one, Russell and and a bikini-clad Britney communicate telepathically. So MTV’s brilliant advertising campaign is basically thirty seconds of Britney hearing voices in her head. What a stretch, huh? Maybe next they can shoot one where it burns when she pees or another where she chokes trying to swallow an entire fruit pie without chewing.
Britney Spears made a “surprise” appearance on Letterman last night for the first time since announcing her divorce from husband Kevin Federline in 2006, reading off the night’s Top Ten Ways the Country Would be Different if Britney Spears Were President in a little black bikini:
10. I’d be the first president to wear eyeshadow since Nixon
9. We would only invade fun places, like Cabo
8. Free pie for everybody
7. My situation room would be a cabana at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas
6. I’d lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance “Circus Fantasy”
5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes
4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy
3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade
2. Three words: Vice President Diddy
1. Finally, the media would pay some attention to me!
Those were lame and uninspired. Kind of like Letterman’s show for the last three years. So, as a gift to you, I present my ownTop Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different if Britney Spears Were President:
In the south, we have an expression called “putting lipstick on a pig.” Or in this case, a bikini and over-processed hair extensions. I think we still all know what I’m getting at here.
Britney Spears in yet another bikini at the Marina del Rey Ritz-Carlton:
I remember a time when the words “Britney Spears in a bikini sucking on a lollipop” would have sent men everywhere into an onanistic frenzy. I also remember a time when you could buy a gallon of gas for less than two dollars and carry a bottle of shampoo on an airplane without being anally probed by two men with M-16s. Welcome to 2009, my friends. It’s an ugly place.
Dying to know the secret behind Britney Spears’ “bikini body?” Then it’s safe to assume you’re severely myopic. OK! Magazine says
The sexy mom can credit her slamming new body in part to the Sunfare diet, a gourmet meal delivery company which counts stars such as Eva Longoria Parker, Marcia Cross and Khloe Kardashian among its fans. [Sunfare] incorporates a balanced, low-carb approach of three big meals and two snacks per day, all documented through the delivery system.
The other major factor behind Brit’s renewed physique is good old-fashioned hard work in the dance studio and on stage.
I’ve seen the secret behind Britney’s bikini body. A bag full of laxatives and a blood stream full of methamphetamines, wasn’t it? Sorry, but shitting my pants and coughing up blood really cramps my style. I’ve already done freshman year once before, thank you very much.
Here’s Britney Spears at a photoshoot for… uhh… oh, who cares? The point is, she looks pretty decent. Her ratty weave roots are covered up by that hat, and the bikini almost actually fits her. At first I couldn’t figure out what the hell was sticking out of the top over there by her right breast, but then I realised it’s a button loop. I think the bikini is supposed to be one of those little sailor suits, but what with her boobs being situated approximately three yards apart on her chest wall, nobody could manage to wrangle that bitch closed. All things considered, though, she looks good. I’m at least 70% positive she took a shower sometime within the last 36 hours.
Brace yourself for the crazy: Britney Spears has gone brunette again. The Daily Mail says
Britney’s ever-changing hair has long been used as a barometer of her internal mood.
At the top of her game it was long, blonde and glossy - at her lowest it was shorn to reveal her bald scalp.
So, as she stepped out with rumored fiancé Jason Trawick [and a huge sparkling diamond on her ring finger], her newly brunette hair was bound to raise eyebrows.
You know, because dyeing her hair and marrying a member of her entourage worked out so well before. I guess some people just can’t bear to leave the familiar comfort of the previously-trodden path. Even if that path is actually a downward spiral into the gaping maw of public shame and humiliation. 2007, anyone?
Britney Spears might have cleaned up her act, but don’t expect her to wipe or wear a tampon anytime soon. According to Page Six
The pop tart took time off from her “Circus” tour to do an Elle magazine shoot, our spy says, and it was a disaster. “They dressed her in all these beautiful couture clothes — and, well, let’s just say she forgot what time of the month it was. It wasn’t pretty.”
God, this bitch is disgusting. I bet it’d take a goddamn potato peeler to get her stank off your genitals.
Rihanna in Kanye West’s new video because she won’t make you think about uterine sloughing:
It doesn’t seem that long ago that looking at pictures of Britney Spears in a bikini required the intestinal fortitude of goat. I have to say, court-imposed sanity has really done wonders for her figure!
Britney Spears’ Circus Tour performance in Connecticut over the weekend was a big ol’ hot mess — first, she wiped out during “Get Naked,” and then she was charged onstage by a drunken fan during “Womanizer” (FF to the 2:18 mark) The Daily Mail says
The singer’s security and back-up dancers had to drag fan Kyle King away after he charged on at the show in Connecticut on Saturday night.
Shocked Britney was belting out her encore performance of Womanizer when King, 20, ran towards her and tried to dance with her. Fans at the gig say she looked ‘extremely spooked’ after the reveler was hauled away.
Britney Spears was frightened by a crazy person? How ironic. That’s like being scared of your shadow or your reflection in the mirror. Crazy is as crazy does, Britney!
UPDATE: Crazy fan explains his attack after the jump
And speaking of crazy, here’s Amy Winehouse fighting invisible ninjas:
