I suppose it was only a matter of time before something like this happened.  Apparently Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend or fiance or whatever (the dude who knocked her up) took some pictures of Jamie Lynn breastfeeding the baby, and then brought his camera card into Wal-Mart to get printouts.  Why in the hell he thought this was a good idea is beyond me.  What happened next is exactly what a sane, normal person might expect would happen after someone is stupid enough to bring pictures of a breastfeeding celebrity into a Wal-Mart.  According to TMZ:

Law enforcement believes someone at the Wal-Mart may have made extra copies, then tried selling them.

Because Jamie Lynn is a minor, selling the pics — or buying them — could constitute a violation of federal laws prohibiting child pornography. Peddling pictures of a minor’s breast — even if not taken for sexual purposes — could land the seller and the buyer in federal prison if they are marketed across state lines for the purpose of being lurid. Also, anyone purchasing the pics could be prosecuted for the crime of receiving stolen property.

Other pics in the set include Britney holding the baby and one of Jamie Lynn, Britney, Brian (Brit’s bro), Lynne Spears and Jamie Spears around Jamie Lynn’s hospital bed. There are also pics of Maddie by herself, and there’s a picture of Jamie Lynn in a negligee holding the baby.

Authorities are trying to find the man who is attempting to sell the photos. In addition, we’re told Britney’s lawyers are thinking about going after Wal-Mart for the alleged security breach.

Ugh.  Seriously.  I don’t even know where to begin.  I guess I feel kinda bad for Jamie Lynn, because all she was doing was feeding her squalling bastard infant and she probably had no idea that her boyfriend was such an idiot he’d bring the pictures into Wal-Mart so some toothless hillbilly could launch a get-rich-quick scheme, turning Jamie Lynn into a child porn star.  I blame Lynne Spears.  I haven’t figured out yet exactly how she’s directly at fault in this instance, but I have no doubt that her piss poor parenting is somehow involved.

I do hope Britney tries to sue Wal-Mart, though.  I hope she tries to sue the hell out of them, and I hope the case is televised, because I cannot imagine anything more awesome than watching that hot mess play out on camera.

The 2008 Verizon and Tag Body Spray MTV Video Music Awards were last night, and the big winner of the evening? Hold on to your extensions! People Magazine says

It was Britney’s night!

The pop star made a triumphant return to MTV’s Video Music Awards, winning three Moonmen, including the night’s big honor, video of the year, for her hit “Piece of Me.” She looked a little nervous at first, but proved to be in fighting form in a vintage silver Versace minidress.

And there you have it, folks. After sixteen nominations, Britney finally won big. I suppose that was the “highlight” of the evening. And yes, there were highlights. I’m pretty sure there were. There had to be. It was like seven goddamn hours long. Maybe if I close my eyes tight and think real hard, I could remember a couple of them for you. Let’s see…

TOP TEN HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE 2008 VMAS

10. When nobody tells Rihanna or her rat tail that there’s toilet paper tucked in the back of her leather diaper. Tee hee!

9. When I realize that somebody must have finally hit Pete Wentz with a car, because he appears to be wearing a neck brace.

8. When the Jonas Brothers come straight from their shift at the Soda Shoppe to give an acoustic rendition of “Love Bug.” The only way this song could be any gayer is if it were sung by Andy Dick on Turkish Bath Night.

7. When MTV cuts Katy Perry’s version of “Like a Virgin” to less than twenty seconds. Strangely, I now feel like a virgin, because my vagina seems to have sewn itself shut.

6. The 33 seconds out of four total minutes L’il Wayne doesn’t have his hand on his junk during his performance.

5. When I see that hey, Bootsy Collins isn’t dead after all! But why is he dressed like black Uncle Sam?

4. When rapper T.I. mysteriously performs without me getting a UTI. It’s a VMA miracle!

3. When I went outside for ten minutes to smoke pot.

2. When I spent another twenty minute debating the decline of pop music and where to assign blame for the current state of MTV, conveniently missing Pink’s and Miley Cyrus’ performances.

and the number one highlight of the 2008 MTV VMA’s:

1. When the end credits finally started rolling.

Britney, Britney, Britney:

Lindsay Lohan:

Christina Aguilera:

Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry:

Rihanna and her rat tail:

Taylor Swift:

Hello, my lovelies.  This is Sarah, and as Abby told you yesterday, she’ll be back on Monday.  In the meantime, you’re stuck with me… and I’ve been sick most of this week, so it should be just like finding a basket of kittens on your doorstep.  If the kittens had rabies.

So anyway, there’s been a bit of hoopla about whether Britney Spears will be stumbling around and wailing performing again at this year’s VMAs.  If we can trust a damn thing Russell Brand says, it turns out that’s not true.  According to US Weekly:

British comic Russell Brand won’t spill the beans on what exactly Britney Spears will do when she opens Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards.

But he’ll tell you this much: “She’s not serving canapés or doing a bizarre haircut on herself!” he said on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show Thursday.

“She’s not performing, but she’s certainly doing [the show] in a professional capacity,” said Brand, 33, who serves as host.

Okay, first of all, Russell Brand is only 33?  The hell?  Is that in dog years?  This dude kinda makes Pete Doherty look fresh as a damn daisy.  But I digress.  It would seem Britney’s not “singing” this year, but will be rolled out like King Kong in a cage so everyone can marvel at the taming of the beast.  I’m not really sure why this is supposed to be surprising.

Of course Britney’s gonna open the VMAs.  She’s a walking spectacle, and MTV is a loyal suscriber to the philosophy that there is no such thing as bad publicity.  Besides, lord knows MTV could use all the help it can get in appearing relevant.  Their biggest stars are Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag!  Compared to those two, Britney Spears is a national treasure.  Even if she falls on her ass, starts crying and begs to blow Russell Brand onstage while he rips out her weave, it will still be the best thing to happen to that boring-ass awards show since the last time she fell apart for fun and profit.

Britney Spears’ mother’s new book is about to hit the shelves, so all you considering children ought to head down to the Barnes and Noble and stock up while you still can. Advice this good isn’t going to be around for long. You can’t afford to miss some of the more important topics broached in Lynne’s biography — things like when and how to introduce sex and drugs into your child’s daily routine. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” never even touches on that stuff! According to Female First

Lynne Spears’ shocking revelations claim Britney began drinking at 13 and was allegedly caught with cocaine and cannabis on a private jet when she was just 16.

Dispelling claims Britney lost her virginity to her former boyfriend Justin Timberlake, Lynne says her daughter first had sex with an 18-year-old football player while she attended her local high school in Kentwood.

Lynne admits she allowed [16-year old] Britney to sleep with Justin [and says she] regrets handing control of Britney’s career over to her managers and allowing her to be promoted as a sex object.

I guess once you find out that there’s an age minimum on internet porn and child labor is frowned upon in the States, the only logical thing to do is feed your child to the Hollywood Industry Machine for a quick buck and hope she doesn’t kill herself in the end. Provided there wasn’t a Sarlaac wielding a paycheck or a virgin-hungry volcano spraying stock options anywhere around, of course. A mom can dream, can’t she?

Britney poolside in Vegas:

I know you’ll all be super disappointed, but Britney Spears won’t be performing at this year’s VMA’s, so you can put away the barf bags and take your therapist off speed-dial. It’ll be okay. New York Daily News reports,

Britney Spears is expected to make the MTV Video Music Awards - but she won’t be performing.

Her manager, Larry Rudolph, poured cold water Monday on a report that the troubled singer would try to erase memories of her disastrous performance at last year’s awards show by strutting her stuff at the Sept. 7 show.

“She did the promo for them, but there never were any plans for her to appear on the show,” a spokesman for Rudolph said.

The spokesman said it was “wishful thinking” when Britney’s hair colorist told E! News that he might be working on a look for her VMA performance.

I, for one, am devastated that Britney won’t be returning this year. I was really hoping for a show-stopping performance from her, something to top last year. I envision that it would involve an interpretive dance demonstrating the noble elephant’s mating ritual and birthing experience, while a soft rain of Cheeto dust coats her and the entire audience like a sprinkling of pixie dust, symbolizing her triumphant return to the heights of stardom. Trust me on this one, I saw it at the zoo recently and it really spoke to me. Okay fine, there was no Cheeto dust, and I really wasn’t supposed to be there. It was more like me hiding in the feeding trough and throwing peanuts at the happy couple, yelling, “Mate, Brtiney, mate!”. I’m not welcome there anymore.

The pachyderm herself:

Here is the other of the “elephant in the room” promos Britney shot with British comedian Russell Brand for the MTV Video Music Awards. And as you can see, she does not play the part of the elephant. Apparently the execs at MTV wanted the lumbering land mammal in the commercial to have an actual trunk. Those head honcho-types can be so picky!

Britney pachydermying it up in Malibu yesterday:

The mystery man seen frolicking with Britney Spears in Cabo earlier this week has finally been identified — his name is Lee, and he’s a former Israeli soldier turned Britney Spears bodyguard. (For those of you keeping track, that would be the fourth time Britney has taken to porking a member of her entourage). A source told The Sun

“Britney and Lee hit it off immediately. He is her perfect type. She loves guys who work out and he is in great shape from his days serving in the Israeli Army. He also has a few tattoos, which she loves. They’ve spent so much time together that one thing led to another and their relationship became physical. They are in Mexico together. They’ve been having a great time — Lee’s put a smile on her face.”

Of course, cigarettes and Burrito Supremes also put a smile on her face, but you can’t have sex with either of them. Not without a whole lot of mess and burning when you pee. I guess this guy was the next best thing.

Ultra-crappy pictures of Brit horseback riding in Cabo:

Paris Hilton and Britney Spears both have blink-and-you’ll-miss-them cameos in a new John McCain ad that calls Barack Obama’s “celebrity” status into question. And how do the starlets feel about being politically aligned without their consent? MSNBC reports

While Hilton is “happy to feel relevant,” Spears is said to be “unfazed” by the inclusion.

“She visits gossip sites on the Internet,” says a source close to Spears. “She’s not exactly glued to campaign news. She’s unfazed by this. If not for Googling her own name she probably wouldn’t have noticed.”

When she finally caught the ad in between episodes of “Access Hollywood” and “Entertainment Tonight,” she reportedly exclaimed, “Hey! There’s that old guy from mah Pepsi commercial! He ain’t dead yet?” Then she went back to stuffing Fritos in her mouth, adding, “Man, fuck Pepsi. They ain’t returned mah phone calls in five years. Huccome that old guy is still gettin’ work? Ah’m sexier than him! It’s Britney, bitch!” before popping off of a couple of violent corn-chip-crumb-launching pelvic thrusts in the face of her terrified three year-old.

Paris at Pure Nightclub in Vegas earlier this week:

If you’re wondering how much it costs to look as good as Britney Spears, hang on to your checkbook. According to The Daily Mail

The star signed up to a $22,000-a-month diet and exercise regime, [including] $10,000-a-month on a nutritionist and diet supplements,$8,000 on a personal trainer and $4,000 on a private dance choreographer.

Of course, she could have just laid off the Taco Bell and Venti Frappucinos and got her fat ass to the gym once in a while, but that would have ultimately saved her money. And God knows that’s not the Hollywood way! It’s not celebrity finance unless you’re wiping your ass with Gunar the Belgian yoga instructor’s bill and $10,000 worth of genetically-engineered organically grown bean sprouts flown in first class from Bangladesh.

In Cabo with a mystery douche man:

You gave them the gift of life. Instilled their sense of adventure, fostered their imagination, comforted them when they were afraid. And you still give your children the very best. Which is why you take this opportunity to give them the gift of a life-long nicotine addiction. Marlboro® brand cigarettes, with a light taste and velvety texture — one puff is never enough! For a new generation of smokers. Choosy moms choose Marlboro.®

Britney Spears giving the gift that keeps on hacking giving:

In a totally unexpected turn of events, Britney Spears has given up all attempts to regain custody of her children from ex-husband Kevin Federline. Popozao! Kevin’s attorney told OK! Magazine

“A final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time.”

You know how that old saying goes — ” If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it’s because you dipped it in nacho cheese and tried to eat it again.”

Shopping in L.A. July 11th:

Fairy tales really do come true, people — Britney Spears is back together with her paparazzi boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib! It’s like Romeo and Juliet, only with more crack hair and chin pubes. According to TMZ

The last few months Adnan has been getting into the gated community where Brit lives. They have been “together,” though we can’t say it’s still going on. We know they have been texting back and forth, at times complaining that Daddy Jamie is too “controlling” by trying to put the kibosh on the relationship.

I’ll say. First making her wear underpants, and now this? The last time someone had that much control over my genitals, I was in a leather diaper and chained to a wall with a ball gag in my mouth.

After meeting with K-fed June 26th: