Britney Spears is allegedly going to be missus for the third time after a “source” dropped the news that she’s secretly engaged to boyfriend Jason Trawick. Of course, this is coming from a tabloid, and is the second time she’d been “engaged” to him, so take it as you will. Says Star Magazine,
The 29-year-old is secretly engaged to long-term boyfriend JASON TRAWICK, who until last month was also her manager.
Talent agent Jason – ten years Britney’s senior – proposed to her by writing a romantic poem and filling the ground floor of their Los Angeles mansion with candles and roses.
The Toxic star is already sporting a flower-shaped diamond on her wedding finger.
A source said: “Britney’s desperate to settle down again and have more children. But she is very traditional and didn’t want to start a family with Jason until they’d tied the knot.”
The couple plan a low-key wedding in Hawaii after Britney finishes a world tour. The source added: “She’s on cloud nine.”
10 years ago most men would have given their favorite testicle to be with Britney. But things have changed just a tad since then. Like a ruinous Southern plantation cursed by the tortured souls of the past, Britney’s memory will forever be tarnished by images like this. Or this. Or this. Or this. You get the point.
The talk of the evening at last night’s 2011 Billboard Music Awards was supposed to be Britney Spears2003 VMAS-esque lesbian kiss with Rihanna during their S&M performance. It wasn’t. All anyone can talk about this morning is Beyonce’s spectacular Run the World performance. Honestly, it was so choreographically impressive and well-staged that you almost forget the song sounds like someone stuffing a kazoo in and out of a hippopotamus’ ass while reenacting “Stomp” in wooden clogs.
Beyonce’s Millenium Artist Award tribute + Run the World performance (FF to the 3:07 mark to skip the tribute video):
I’m a sucker for a man in uniform, so here’s Marine Squadron 266 Rein performing Britney Spears’ “Hold It Against Me” from Afghanistan. They fucking kill it. It’s so much better than the real video. Britney herself tweeted that she loved it, but I think she’s really just covering her ass in the hopes that no one will notice how much better they are at lipsynching than she is. Devil dogs, baby! Ooo-rah!
Britney’s latest video “Till the World Ends” is set on December 21, 2012, the day the ancient Mayan calendar comes to an end. It seems when the Apocalypse is nigh, we’ll all congregate in the sewers dressed as Mad Max and Morlocks from X-Men Legends and dance like we’re being repeatedly tased in the back while she slings her broke-ass weave around. In other words, it’ll be hell on earth. Now might be the time to think about salvation.
Britney Spears’ Femme Fatale tour is supposed to kick off in June, but it seems there’s a little kink in the program, because her opening act just pulled out. If only the other men in her life had pulled out, too. High five! The Daily Mail says:
Live Nation, who is promoting the show, sent out a media advisory stating: ‘Enrique Iglesias is no longer on this tour.’
No reason was given for the singer’s abrupt change of heart, which came shortly after Britney gave her first live TV performance in two years in a bid to drum up interest in the tour.
According to music industry bible Billboard Iglesias was slated to be much more than a standard opening act and was slated to carry full production on the Spears tour.
Honestly, I don’t give a shit about this, and neither do you. What’s important here is that Britney went on Jimmy Kimmel last night and let the boys from Jackass strap her into a port-a-potty and launch it into the stratosphere with the help of giant bungee cords. Or as it’s known among the cognoscenti, a “poo cocktail.” It seems an apropos way to promote her new album, given that listening to it is the auditory equivalent of being trapped in a tiny prison and repeatedly pelted with feces.
Britney Spears began promotion of her new album Femme Fatale this weekend with two surprise shows — one Friday night in Vegas that will air on MTV April 3rd, and another one yesterday in San Francisco that will air on Tuesday’s edition of Good Morning America. Radar Online says:
[Britney] changed costumes several times during the event, wearing luscious get-ups like a a silver sequined body-suit and a black leotard that accentuated her tremendous physique. She looked stunning in a series of outfits as she sang Hold It Against Me, Big Fat Bass, Till The World Ends.
The production was top-notch as well, as Brit’s elaborate stage set up was enhanced by a firework finale that ended the show.
A massively-photoshopped Britney Spears graces the cover of OUT magazine’s first-ever “Ladies We Love” issue. Brace yourself for a positively riveting interview inside. The NY Daily News says:
[OUT magazine asks Britney], “What women (living or dead) could make you think twice about your sexuality?”
In her e-mail reply, Spears confirmed, “I only have eyes for men.”
When asked how she “would feel if one of your sons turned out to be gay,” the singer vowed to “love my boys no matter what.”
Spears also divulged that she thinks she was Audrey Hepburn in a past life, “because she was a trend setter.”
Never mind that she and Audrey Hepburn co-existed for nearly twelve years before she died. Maybe in her future life, she’ll come back as someone who can actually pass remedial fourth-grade math.
Mario Testino must have been knee-deep in Easter eggs and Marshmallow Peeps when he shot these pictures of Britney Spears for V Magazine. It’s amazing what a little overexposure and a new wig can do for a gal, isn’t it? Relatively speaking, of course. It’s like when your date walks into the restaurant wearing her prosthetic leg instead of just carrying it over her shoulder like a hobo’s knapsack.
Britney Spears’ much-hyped video for her new single “Hold it Against Me” debuted last night on MTV, and if you’re wondering about the body double rumors, you’ll notice that she’s shot from the neck down in most of the wide shots that require any dancing more than just waving her arms around. Of course, those shots are shown in .08 second increments flashed at you between periods of shameless product placement and closeups of her mouth, so it’s easy to miss. That’s why I recommend you snort a fistful of Ritalin before you watch it.
I love Jayden James Federline’s face here. He’s thinking to himself, “Damn bitch, why did you have to let your looks go? All the kids laugh at me and tell me how you used to be so hot, and then how you went batshit insane and now you’d qualify as a MILF only after pounding a bottle of tequila, and even then you might need a paper bag. I mean, look at your nasty-ass hair. What the fuck, woman? It’s like you’re channeling Eddie Munster with that hairline. Girl, you need to get yourself to a salon.”
You might be surprised to hear this, but Britney Spears isn’t in the same shape she used to be any more. So when you combine “fat” with “lazy and addled,” you’ve got yourself a perfect storm, my friend. The perfect storm for a back-up dancer starring in your video instead of you. TMZ says:
Britney doesn’t do the dance moves in her new music video, “Hold It Against Me.” She couldn’t nail the routines, so a dance-double stepped in to do the legwork.
Multiple sources on music video [say] the director was upset that Britney hadn’t practiced enough… so he asked her dance-double Allison Kyler to fill in.
We’re told it got so heated between Britney and the director, the singer left the set crying on the second day.
Of course they went with a back-up dancer instead of her. She looks like something out of a damn Dr. Seuss book. I keep waiting for a Bippo-No-Bungus and a Brown Bar-ba-loots to jump out of her hair.
Word on the street (and by “on the street”, I mean it’s on the caption to these pictures) is that Britney Spears might be performing at the Grammys next month. I don’t think that’s a good idea, because I don’t know if they Grammys can handle the mass quantity of sexiness that is Britney. Shit, look at that head of golden locks. In fact, if her lovely mane were to be placed alongside the Golden Fleece of Greek lore, I think Jason would have picked Britney’s mane over some old stinky, greasy sheep’s wool. So, I think it would only be prudent for whoever’s in charge of the lineup at the Grammys to bar Britney from performing. I don’t think we want men brawling with each other in their mad dash to get to Britney.
