I stopped watching this video of Brooke Hogan after she gave her half-eaten apple a voice and made it pretend to sign her tit, but if you can make it past the four minute mark, you can learn all you ever needed to know about the finer points of eating an apple. Namely:

1. You need a tube of Aquaphor off your boyfriend’s table (apparently your significant other should have psoriasis or diaper rash)

2. Put the Aquaphor on your apple and smear some on your lips

3. Drink some cough medicine

Immediately following step three, you should make sure to double over with inane laughter and continue blathering like a goddamn loon, making sure that at no point are you even remotely funny in the slightest. Or as I like to call it, “blogging.” Trust me, it’s a lot harder than I make it look.

Stills from her new piece of crap video “Falling” from her new album “You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me No WAY Is That the Real Fucking Cover, Right?“:

I find that asking people if they’d like to see pictures of Brooke Hogan pole dancing is a lot like asking people if they’d like you to pour hot tar into their nostrils. Pretty much a resounding hell no. But find her attractive or not, you still have to admit she’s got that certain “je ne sais quoi ” about her. “Je ne sais quoi ” of course from the French meaning “the affect and constituion of a large ox.” Seriously, I’m surprised she doesn’t have a cart strapped to her back and a ring through her nose in these pictures.

Brooke performing at a Calle Ocho in Miami with her father in the audience:

The Grammy Awards were last night, and they were a total snoozefest.  Admittedly, I was powerfully hungover all day yesterday, but I watched the Grammys and they were so boring that I swear I fell asleep at least nine times before they finally ended.  Every performance that wasn’t Radiohead sucked, and  nearly everyone looked like ass on fire.  The header pic is Coldplay, who (naturally) showed up looking particularly jackassy.  Nothing awesome happened at all, and if there were any funny acceptance speeches then they were during my bouts of unconsciousness.  Here’s a round-up of the shiny, the slutty, and the strange.

Carrie Underwood looked super boring, but otherwise okay I guess:

Miley Cyrus was dressed like she was attending the funeral of her own dignity:

Taylor Swift was in mourning with Miley, apparently:

(more…)

Sometimes something so wonderful comes along, you just want to sit and savor it for a while. This is one of those times, my friend. This is one of those times. According to TampaBay.com

Brooke Hogan and her VH1 handlers are shooting an episode of Brooke Knows Best at the Florida State Fair on Feb. 6.

Wilson Media [says] that the deal is “90 percent done,” and Hogan is “due to wrestle” Rick Flair’s son in a circus tent after the last show of the day.

And of course, if that doesn’t work out, she can always hope a particularly dexterous spider will spell out the words “Some Pig” in the web over her stall. Hey, it worked for Wilbur!

Brooke Hogan working on the classic sleeper hold in Miami:

Usually when you see someone this classy and refined, they’re nibbling Beluga caviar on a full-grain leather chaise lounge atop a 150-foot Benetti yacht. Not today, my friends. Today elegance meets the common man. And I say “common man” because it’s pretty obvious Brooke Hogan has a penis. To suggest otherwise would be an injustice to transsexual she-males everywhere!

Sir Brooke at the Bejeweled show Thursday night at Miami Funkshion Fashion Week:

Photo credit: WENN

The Sun reports,

The reality star was asked the all-important question by shock-jock HOWARD STERN on his radio show.

She responded by saying “they’re real” before revealing her she got the “D-cup boobs gene” from her auntie.

What she’s not mentioning is that she literally got her boobs from her auntie. I refuse to believe that Brooke Hogan was created by natural human procreation. Ol’ Mom and Dad had her made in the basement out of spare parts, I’m thinking. Mom Linda didn’t really need to have a penis too since Hulk already had one (this was before the ‘roids shrunk it down to a Lil’ Smokie–hindsight is 20/20, they say) so they amputated that and it got bolted on Brooke, along with some extra muscle from some expired beef jerky they found in the pantry. The problem with that is that Dad has to rub lotion on her to keep the jerky somewhat supple and flexible. That’s the totally innocent and non-sexual reason for those pictures of him lubing up her ass. Don’t judge until you know the whole story.

The Hoganstein monster: It’s alive!

Good news for fans of transgender nudity — Brooke Hogan has been asked to bare it all in Playboy! The NY Daily News says

Brooke Hogan has been approached to pose nude for the famous men’s magazine — and she didn’t say no. The “Brooke Hogan Knows Best” star, 20, could use a boost for her stagnant career. Brooke has posed for [FHM] in the past, but has never posed nude.

You could shell out seven bucks for Brooke’s pictorial in Playboy, sure, or you could just find an out-of-work lumberjack to do a convincing tuck-and-hide in a see-through negligee. At least there’s still a little dignity in that.

A little preview of what “Sexy Brook” looks like:

Brooke Hogan is busy promoting her new VH1 reality show and upcoming album with a bunch of photos of her being “sexy.” Kinda of like if you found a Yeti with big fake tits stomping around in the mountains and you put it in a bikini and told it to stick its finger in its mouth provocatively and “make love to the camera,” only by “make love to the camera” you really meant “not paw at it or throw it on the ground and stomp on it with your big dumb Yeti feet.” Sprinkling glitter on a turd doesn’t make it not a turd, people. It’s another reason not to flush.

Brooke Hogan doesn’t understand all the hoopla over the photos of her dad, 54-year old Hulk Hogan, rubbing tanning oil on her ass on a family vacation. Brooke told Us Weekly

“I know I’m a grown woman, but it’s like [Dad's] touching an old car. He used to change my diaper!”

And if that wasn’t disturbing enough — Daddy also likes to be on hand while she’s posing provocatively for shitty men’s magazines. According to Fox News

Hulk Hogan turned up to [Brooke's] sexy magazine shoot for Maxim in April. [He said] that he came to supervise and ensure his baby girl didn’t flash too much flesh.

I can only think of a couple of instances where your father would need to touch your ass once you’ve entered adulthood. Ten instances, in fact. I made a handy list for you:

TOP TEN SITUATIONS IN WHICH YOUR FATHER TOUCHING YOUR ASS IS OKAY

10. You impaled yourself on an umbrella stand while at a Father-Daughter’s Day Picnic

9. You’ve passed out, and it’s the only part of you not covered in vomit and urine

8. There’s a bomb taped to your ass that requires dismantling before it can be safely removed

7. A genie offers to cure your mother’s cancer only if your Dad touches your ass

6. You’re the second tier and your father’s the base in a cheerleading pyramid

5. Father-Daughter ice-skating doubles competition

4. Terrorists

3. He’s legally blind and thought he was touching your face

2. There’s a horsefly the size of a kaiser roll on your ass and it’s going to bite you

and the number one situation in which it would be okay for your dad to touch your ass:

1. Johnny Depp is your father. Rowr!

Bulky super-tanned bleach-blonde Linda Hogan has landed her self a new man since splitting from bulky, super-tanned bleach-blonde wrestler Hulk Hogan — she’s dating the bulky, super-tanned bleach-blonde former classmate of her daughter Brooke (who, in case you didn’t already know, also happens to be a bulky, super-tanned bleach-blonde, similar to the bulky, super-tanned bleach-blonde her father is now dating)! According to Nine MSN

Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife Linda has a new beau - she’s 48, he’s 19! And to make matters worse, the boy, Charlie, went to school with Linda’s daughter Brooke - and he was in the grade below her!

“I personally don’t like it at all or condone it,” moans Brooke. “But she’s my mom, so I have to show her support.”

With the whole goddamn family looking like shemale versions of each other, I’ve got my money on seven or eight Mai Tais before Linda accidentally ends up in bed with her own daughter. Excuse me now while I go gouge out my mind’s eye.

Linda Charlie Brooke on vacation last month:

Just after taped jail conversations between Nick Hogan and his mother were made public on Friday, Nick’s “sister” Brooke was involved in a car accident on Sunday. She writes on her MySpace:

“I don’t know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves… As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn’t have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us. It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight.”

Then her passenger friend added:

~~~Hey this is Brookes friend and passenger, I just wanted to say that Brooke basically saved my life by making me wear my seat belt ….She is such a great friend and a good person! You all should know that! check out what I have to say on my MySpace… I’m on her top friends : La♥La

Well, let it be said that John Graziano’s debilitating head injury and permanent vegetative state were not in vain, because it kept Brooke Hogan and a Teletubby from getting hurt in a car accident. Granted, Brooke and company weren’t pushing Mach 5 into a concrete abutment with a bloodstream full of Bud Light, and Brooke could have probably just grabbed the speeding car by the fender and hurled it over a cliff Hulk-style before it ever touched them, but that’s not the point. The point here is that Brooke Hogan looks like the fucking Iron Monger in a blonde wig. Run fast. Run far.

On the set of her reality show last month:

Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Hogan was booked today on multiple criminal charges stemming from his car accident back in August. You might remember the crash left passenger 22-year old John Graziano on life support with little more motor function than periodically opening and shutting his eyes. According to People Magazine

Charges against the teen include reckless driving involving serious bodily injury in connection; using a motor vehicle in commission of a felony; being under age 21 and operating a vehicle while having a breath-alcohol level of .02 percent or higher; and having illegal window tinting. According to the paper, blood work done on Bollea two hours after the crash showed his “ethanol serum level” at 0.055 percent.

The Hogan family response, issued via their lawyers:

There has been much speculation as to the speed and wet road conditions surrounding this accident. Although all the evidence has not been evaluated, preliminary reports from the experts indicate that this was not, in fact, a high-speed accident. Because Nick is still a juvenile and has no prior criminal record, we are disappointed that he is being charged as an adult offender.

The tragedy to both families is compounded by the fact that unfortunately John was not wearing his seatbelt. Thankfully, Nick was wearing his. Because of what happened to John, the entire [Hogan] family will make it a priority to increase public awareness about the importance of always wearing your seatbelt.

Oh, kudos, Hogan family. Seatbelt awareness, all so that the opening and closing of John Graziano’s eyes may not be in vain. It reminds me of the classic chick flick “Beaches,” the story of two unlikely friends discovering the true meaning of friendship. That is, Bette Midler blaming the catatonic guy for not wearing a seat belt while she’s playing Tokyo Drift in the rain after a couple of drinks. Rated PG-13 for language and gratuitous finger-pointing.

Tranny sisiter Brooke at the Fox Reality Channel Really Awards: