In what Denise Richards is sure to think is a direct retaliatory assault on her character, Charlie Sheen announced yesterday that wife Brooke Mueller is pregnant with twins. According to Us Weekly

Charlie Sheen and his wife are expecting twin boys. In June, the pair joked that they were hoping for triplets. “Could you imagine if I really had triplets? He’d be like, ‘Whoa!’” Mueller told Extra.

For the record, this may be the first time the words “Charlie Sheen” and “twins” have been used in the same sentence without the words “anal” and “dressed as cheerleaders.”

Denise at Moscow Fashion Week yesterday:

PHOTO CREDIT: Mavrix Photo

Twins that probably do both “anal” and “dressed as cheerleaders,” Karissa and Kristina Shannon:

PHOTO CREDIT: Splash

For a woman who claims she’s so over Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards sure seems desperate for details about his May 30th wedding to Brooke Mueller. MSNBC says

The former Mrs. Sheen personally phoned the OK! magazine offices for an advance copy of this week’s issue, which features Sheen’s wedding on the cover. “She was feverishly trying to get her hands on a copy. She wanted to prepare herself for what she was going to see on the newsstands,” said the source.

Richards did photo shoots with OK! both during and after her marriage to Sheen.

I thought the trailer for the new movie “The Women” really embodied the sad pathetic-ness of the whole situation. “The Women” is about four friends — Annette Bening, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Meg Ryan and Debra Messing — who band together when Meg’s husband is caught cheating with a perfume girl (Eva Mendes). It’s like they took the projected demographic for “Sex and the City” and then took away the sex, added twenty or so pounds, a bitter divorce, bunions, and an undying love for Oprah and all things jersey knit to equation. Factor in the numbers of screens in the mid-west and symbol π and you’ve got yourself a bonafide formula for “dumpy middle-aged divorce movie magic.” You can’t forget the π, though. It’s one of the most important mathematical constants. And also because lonely overweight divorcees really like pie. They get pretty angry when they don’t have it.

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are still taking turns humiliating each other via the media, with Denise telling Page Six this morning:

“Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he’s going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold. His response was, ‘I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.’”

And regarding that unfortunate sperm-request email that Charlie now wants to have analyzed by experts on live TV?

“I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We’ll leave it at that. I am so over him. He’s the one who can’t move on. He’s disgusting and he’s hit an all-time low.”

You know, there’s the high road, and there’s the low road. And then there’s sewer lines swollen with gallons of human excrement just underneath the low road. See if you can guess exactly where Charlie and Denise are at this point.

Cancerous retard leaving the CW11 morning show yesterday:

Denise Richards hit the talk show circuits earlier this week and denied that she had ever asked ex-husband Charlie Sheen for a post-divorce sperm sample, adding that “any email Charlie claims to have suggesting otherwise is a fake.” Charlie responded to her unsavory allegations in kind by mass-faxing a copy of the email in question to every media outlet in the Western Hemisphere. Rush and Molloy obtained their own copy courtesy of Chuck, and it reads as follows:

“Dear Brooke [Charlie's new fiance],

I don’t want to have a baby with Charlie. I am having a baby in the next year. By myself … my girlfriend suggested Charlie be the donor. So, I did bring this up to him. There are so many couples having unhealthy children. Charlie and I have very beautiful healthy children together. I was strictly looking for a sperm donor, if it’s any of your business. If it were him, I said we would sign a document that he couldn’t come after me and I couldn’t come after him … this wasn’t to have sex with him, it was him donating … that’s it. “

Jesus, all this fuss over a couple of tablespoons of freakin’ spooge. A thinking woman would have paid Lupe the Bunny Ranch housekeeper twenty dollars American to take a putty knife to the walls in the Jungle Room and collect the scrapings in a mayonnaise jar full of 2.5X Buffer/random octamer mix. Of course, nobody’s ever actually accused Denise Richards of being a “thinking woman.” Therein lies the rub.

On TRL yesterday: