After looking at these pics of former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue covergirl Brooklyn Decker in GQ, I’m convinced I could totally be her body double. In that it’d take two of her to make one of me. The only thing that I have in common with this woman is that I also sweat when I struggle to sit up.

Brooklyn Decker appears in GQ Turkey, and she looks good and all, but I would have hoped they opted to go with a Turkish theme and throw in a camel toe for good measure. Way to disappoint, GQ.

Rihanna is keepin’ it real by wearing fancy pajamas to the premiere of her first movie, ‘Battleship’. The nicest thing I can say is, that at least they’re better looking than the ones I see other black girls wearing to the grocery store to redeem their food stamps. Not wearing dirty slippers is also a plus. ‘Welfare couture’ might just be the new thing.

Leave it to the white people to dress appropriately–with Brooklyn Decker, Alexander Skarsgard, Taylor Kitsch, and director Peter Berg:

When my kid starts bitching about taking tennis lessons this summer, I’m gonna march him right over to the computer and pull up these pics of Sports Illustrated model Brooklyn Decker and then smack him upside the head with his own racquet. Don’t ever question your mother, dumbass.

Tennis star Andy Roddick’s wife for La Senza lingerie:

The 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar is out just in time for the holidays, and — more importantly — none of these pics have anything to do with ass-raping an underprivileged ten-year-old boy in a Penn State locker room. Not posting them would be the real crime here.

GQ has released some behind-the-scenes footage from their photo shoot with Sports Illustrated cover girl Brooklyn Decker in her panties. I don’t know if the shoot was for an upcoming issue or if it’s been around for a while, and to be honest, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me because I no longer believe in the concept of linear time. All is one, and existence in the temporal sense is delusory. That’s what I’m planning on telling the judge at my probation hearing, anyway.

Today has been unconscionably boring, so I thought I’d spice things up with some sexy pics of Brooklyn Decker in the July issue of Esquire. Of course, being Esquire, they fag it up with a bunch of poorly-placed laundry tips for caring for your silk sheets. Come on. Unless you’re a 40-something Italian immigrant or flaming homosexual, the only thing you’re gonna do with a set of silk sheets is maybe stain them after you’ve used them to wipe away your lonely virgin tears.

The most insignificant of all the movie award shows aired on MTV last night, complete with its usual fare of predictable hijinx and zany shenanigans. Like Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake grabbing each others’ naughty bits in a bid to prove that their relationship was strictly platonic (LOL!). Or Robert Pattinson mouth-kissing his Twilight co-star Taylor Lautner (OMG)! Or a celebrity mash-up Hangover parody with host Jason Sudeikis (ROTFLMAO)! The only part of the night that was even remotely funny was when Reese Witherspoon burned nekkid-picture-taker Blake Lively. The Daily Mail says:

During her acceptance speech, Reese addressed the industry’s younger actresses. ‘It’s possible to make it in Hollywood without a reality show,’ she said.

And in a surprising direct dig at Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively, she said: ‘And if you take naked pictures of yourself with your cell phone, you hide your face.’

In other less interesting news, the god-awful “Twilight: Eclipse” won Best Movie, Best Male Performance (Robert Pattinson), Best Female Performance (Kristen Stewart), Best Kiss (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart), and Best Fight Scene (Robert Pattinson vs. Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel); some chick from the comparably shitty “Kick-Ass” took home Best Breakout Star and Biggest Badass Star; and last, but certainly not least, was Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never,” which claimed Best Jaw-Dropping Moment. I assume that references the aghast disbelief that inevitably leaves one’s mouth agape when one finds out that “Never Say Never” grossed $73 million domestically and another $25 mil overseas. To put that in perspective, that’s more than the gross national product of Sao Tome and Principe and Somalia combined. Granted, the 7-11 down the street probably grosses more than Sao Tome and Principe and Somalia combined, but it’s really the principle of it all. That principle being, “This generation sucks donkey balls.”

LOTS more pics after the jump:

Brooklyn Decker:

Emma Stone:

Jessica Szohr:

Kristen Stewart:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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More details and unflattering photos are being released on what seems like an hourly basis in the Arnold Schwarzenegger affair scandal, the latest of which shows the striking similarities between Arnold as Conan the Barbarian and his then 11-year old son. While most news outlets are blurring the child’s face, you’ll note that I’m not plagued by things like “restraint” or “scruples.” No charge for awesomeness, folks.

Anyway, Maria Shriver reportedly hired divorce attorney Laura Wasser yesterday after it was revealed that the maid’s bastard child and Shriver’s own son were born less than a week apart. The Daily Mail says:

It has emerged that Mildrid Baena, who worked as the Schwarzeneggers’ housekeeper for 20 years, gave birth [to Schwarzenegger's illegitimate son] just five days after Maria Shriver gave birth to the couple’s second son.

Baena’s son was born on October 2, 1997, according to documents unearthed today.

The actor and his wife welcomed their second son Christopher on September 27 that same year.

A birth certificate lists Baena’s then-husband, Rogelio Baena, as the father; however divorce documents filed in February 2008 state the couple have ‘no minor children’, which suggests her husband had discovered she had been unfaithful.

And then there’s this disturbing, bunny-boiling tidbit from TMZ:

Mildred Patty Baena had an obsession with Maria… Patty felt she was naturally “gorgeous” and wanted to look just like Maria.

Sources say Patty would dress in Maria’s clothing and even wear her jewelry around town.

And there’s more. When Maria would leave the house in the morning, [Patty] would crawl into the marital bed and do the deed with Arnold.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is an international movie star, a world-class body builder and the former governor of the third-largest state in the Union, and this is the woman he chooses to have an affair with. He could have been caught having sex with an actual goat and it still would have been less embarrassing for him.

Brooklyn Decker and Vanessa Hudgens at the MyHabit.com party in NYC last night, because I can’t look at any more pictures of Patty before lunch:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

It’s times like these that words just don’t suffice, so you should probably just make a forceful suckling noise while closing your eyes and air-honking an imaginary pair of breasts until the girl in the cubicle next to you complains. It’s what I’ve been doing it for the last thirty minutes.

SI swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker for Mark Squires:

I didn’t watch the ACMA’s last night and neither did you, so don’t try to lie and say you did. I know you better than that. Honestly, aren’t we kinda past all that shit now? You don’t have to try and impress me anymore. Just like I don’t have to try to impress you. So in the spirit of our newfound honesty and openness: Brooklyn Decker Julianne Hough boobs. Also, I’m not sucking in.

Brooklyn:

Julianne:

You’ve already seen Miranda Kerr and Candice Swanepoel nude in Russell James’ V2, but it has since come to my attention that Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker is also naked in V2. Clearly I’d be remiss not to share those photos, too. I’m nothing if not thorough, my mom always said! She also said, “You’re the reason your father left” and “Nobody likes fat girls,” but I don’t really see how that applies here.